Tuesday, February 28, 2006

JEEEEZZZZ Does it ever stop!?

Okay, I'm going to touch on a subject here that is going to offend quite a few people here but so what.


First lets get one thing straight, I am a female driver. Of course I am. I am female after all. It would be icky if I was female all the time except when I drive. The big difference between me and 99 percent of the rest of the female population is I know how. I'm not talking about driving the damn lawn mower here. I'm talking about the automobile with which we all use to get around in our daily life. No shit - I can tell you 99 percent of the time which sex is operating the vehicles around me. To my gender shame, females are absolutely clueless when you get them behind the wheel. The whole driving OVER the lines on either the left, right or middle of the road tends to give them away.

The women drivers are dangerous and ...well, stupid and careless. Putting on the mascara as they drive, lipstick, blush, foundation (first the liquid and then the powder - or they might have the liquid/powder combo that you can apply in one application), trimming their nails and de-linting their outfits as they tool on down the road drives me batshit. They have turned me into a road rage hag. I see them do something stupid and a string of swear words that were never meant to go together flood from my mouth (I said I know how to drive, not cuss), my hair will stick up on end, and any make-up that is on my face will instantly turn a strange burnt umber/red/black color and vaporize.

My daughter "L" who is almost 8 now can tell by my facial expressions (caused by swallowing the cuss words when my kids are in the car) when someone has done something wrong on the road. She'll look at me and say "Woman driver right." I'll sigh gustily and say "Yes, stupid women drivers" and then I'll give the poor kid a quick lecture on why you should never drive like other women. "Keep your mind on the road sweets. Drive BETWEEN the lines, not over them and remember that if you have to put on you make-up on after you leave the house, do it while you are parked in a parking lot and not at a stop light or driving down the street. These dipshit's are trying to kill someone!"

I do try my best not to road rage when my kids are in the car. Really I do. It's not an example I want to set, but I have to admit, I do sometimes slip, even though I may not know it at the time. The perfect example to this would be about a week ago as we were all heading home (L,C, and I) after work, school and day care. L looked at me and said "Mom, what does dumbshit mean?" I knew immediately she heard this from me. It is my favorite word for women drivers. I explained to her that she should never repeat that word, and I should never have said it, to which she replied "It's okay Mom, it's not your fault." "Of course it's my fault" (this is me trying to teach her responsibility for her own actions) "No it's not, it's those women drivers that make you do it." I admit, I had a hard time convincing her that I could control my language when I couldn't stop laughing. Needless to say, I have been extra diligent in watching my language lately but she still knows. Yesterday she heard me sigh and grunt on the way to drop her off, and she stared into the car on our right as we passed it "Yep, woman driver mom." I'm considering telling her that I'm constipated when I do that so she doesn't develop pre-pubescent road rage. That would be something wouldn't. I mean, her feet don't even touch the floor in the car.

I want you to try something, I want you to try and look and see who is driving the car that's swerving, or just isn't driving well. I'll give you 10 to 1 odds it's a woman. Do it for 1 week, you'll see what I mean.

You'll also notice, that most of them don't have any driver courtesy. Let a woman driver in a lane that is backed up with traffic and see how many of them give you a wave to say thanks. They just keep applying their lipstick. AND OH GOD! I hate it when I get behind a woman driving a minivan!!!!! They seem to be the absolute worst!!!! GOD FORBID you go the speed limit! Oh no! Anything but that. And buddy, you are guaranteed to pop a blood vessel if you get behind a senior citizen driver on a Sunday! I'll dig your grave for you if she has a hat on. It is a historically proven fact that any senior citizen with a hat on that is driving on Sunday has nothing to do and thinks you don't either. Now don't get me wrong here. I appreciate our senior citizens and everything they have done for our communities, but just because it's Sunday doesn't mean that I don't have the right to have a corinary when I get behind them going 15 in a 45!


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