Monday, March 06, 2006

Little Baby Dude

Dear Little Baby Dude,

Tomorrow you will be ten months old. You are growing into a little man that looks, acts, and we can only guess, that you think like dad too.

I do have a few questions for you at this juncture of our lives as you will be 1 year old very shortly and I want to make sure we are good to go when we hit that longed-for land mark.

1) Why don't you sleep all night? I understand it is your job as a baby to make sure that mom and dad are kept on their toes, but do you have to do this at 2, 3 and 5:30 am? I would like a copy of the rule book you are following as I am sure it states in there somewhere that you have to sleep all night by the time you are 4 months old. If you have been cheating, rest assured I will not retaliate. I will grin and kiss your fuzzy little head and rock you to sleep, soothed with the knowledge that my son is devious, like me. I will however, stick my tongue out when you aren't looking because a) it's not very nice of you not to sleep all night, b) I have to do it for my sanity (where ever that may be)

2) Why do you scream when I'm standing 5 feet away from you? You can see me. I'm right there. There's no need to be upset. Just because my old gray shorts are tatty, my T-shirt is a size to small and I haven't shaved my legs is a week is no reason to cry until your face looks like an overgrown and over ripe cranberry. Now, if you are crying because of those things, we really need to talk about how it's okay to look scary at home in front of the people you love most,but how you must look great to those who will never see you again. (I have violated a sacred woman's rule in telling you this, but since you are a baby, you'll soon forget it and I will not be excommunicated from the Sacred Order of Driving Men Crazy by Making them wait to Long Order)

3) Why do you wait to pee until I've taken the diaper off? You know what is getting ready to happen when I put you on your back with the wipes and a fresh diaper beside me. Can't you just go then? It's not like you make it easy for me to change your diaper so it will be quick and easy and somehow be caught off guard while trying to relieve yourself to keep your new diaper fresh as long as possible. You seem to have mastered the perfect way to squirm, wiggle, kick and flail to avoid me unsnapping your garments. Is this just a way to get back at me because I have threatened to tape you to the floor with duct tape?

4) Why do you drool? I know your swallowing mechanism isn't broken. I had it checked at the pediatrician's office and he said it was just fine. Do you like that just wet feeling all down your chin and on your chest? Can you say mold? Ew.

5) How exactly to you maneuver the bib so it looks like a cape? Granted, you have finally gotten to the point where you can do a lot of different things with those little baby hands, but you've been doing the cape thing for months and months. It's one of the many reasons we call you Super Baby.

6) Why do you have to pull hair? Your sister and I and literally being snatched bald headed by your little hands. Are you jealous because you hardly have any at all? If that's the case, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you. I refuse to get you a wig. If you like, I can have the cat sit on your head for a few hours each evening.

7) Why do you chase the cats? You never catch them. Sometimes they meow, hiss and run when they see you coming. Is this some sort of secret code that entices you? Please let me know as soon as possible so I can have their little voice boxes removed if necessary. This does not bode well for the women in your life. It concerns me that you like it when women (the cats) hiss, run and ignore you.

8) How is it possible for you to fart like your dad? You are only 10 months old, he is 31 and an accomplished gas man. Did you some how receive training from him in the womb while I was sleeping? Please stop doing this as I am becoming more and more confused on who to blame.

9) How is it possible for you to push out more than you take in? I'm no science major, but I know you can't possiblely have that much poop. We don't feed you enough to justify it. If you were a 300 lb baby, we still could not feed you enough to justify all that poop. Please rectify this quickly as the local land fill has our pictures on it's 1 most wanted list.

10) Do you have to smack me in the head? I don't mean with just your hands, even though that is bad enough. But you do it with any sort of implement there. Some times you will crawl across the room just so you can get something to ding me in the head with. Now, I would like to say that it's cute because you are a baby, but I'm sorry, no such luck. It just plain hurts. Then to make matters worse, you laugh at me while I'm rubbing my head where you so cleverly dinged me just moments ago. Your sister has learned the "Duck and Dodge" dance, something she should not had to have learned until she had children of her own, but you have forced her into early maturity. Shame, Shame, Shame.

I realize that some of these questions amuse you, especially the diaper one, but if you refuse to answer, I know a little baby who will have his diaper changed every hour and will have to eat carrots and peas for the rest of his life. No, I'm not worried about my sanity - you don't seem to be, so why should it matter.


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At Wednesday, July 05, 2006 3:18:00 PM, Blogger Lucky said...

AT least you don't have chest hair for him to hang from (I hope).

At Wednesday, July 05, 2006 3:32:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

LOL Thanks Lucky - nothing like that visual. GAG


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