Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Little House That Hell Built - Part 3

(You're just on the edge of your seat aren't you.)

Yes dear readers, it's that time again. Time to get your blood boiling, your mouths harrumphing, and your lips a-twitching.

Let me take you back...

To my tortured existence whilst pregnant with
my daughter Lauren.
One of the many wonderful things that happened to me while I was pregnant was that I didn't have to go visit the In-laws. When I was about 5 months pregnant I declared that I simply could not take all that driving and wasn't going anymore. Hubby barely protested. It drove him crazy that we had to stop every 20 minutes so I could pee.
I was in a state of no In-law bliss. I was so tickled. No one to be shitty to me. YEAH!
At the time, both hubby and I were in the military and I was trying to get a babysitter for when Lauren tore her way into the world. Finding Child Care for an infant in or around a military post is close to impossible. My stress factor was already located so high that it had been detected by satellite and my due date was only a couple of months away. Then
they decided to come for a visit. OH JOY. I automatically went to Stress Con 3, and China and Russia jointly issued me a warning to chill the fuck out before they obliterated my ass.
We had a townhouse roughly the size of a pimple at the time, so I at least had the savings grace that they would not be staying with us while they slept. I was however, required to suffer her presence in my home from about 7-7 for two days. I'll never forget when they arrived. The first damn thing to come out of that woman's mouth was "Oh, you got big didn't you." Oh, she's a quick one isn't she. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. My stomach was about as big around as the ego of your standard conceited actor and there she was stating the obvious. Thanks for the heads up. I knew how I looked. My nickname while I was pregnant was Barney. Everyone in my unit would rub my belly before they went on a field exercise for luck.
As I stated before in one of my previous posts, both of my pregnancies were very painful, but I had the added joy of having a real problem with my glucose levels dropping while I was pregnant with Lauren. This led to quite a few interesting side effects. I would loose my peripheral vision, or loose my vision altogether. I also suffered from ringing in my ears that was so loud I couldn't understand why people in the same state with me couldn't hear it as well. I would also loose my hearing altogether. When I lost my vision and hearing at the same time, it was scary as hell and I tended to freak the hell out.
In this particular instance, I became thankful for them. I wouldn't have to see, hear or talk to her! Unfortunately, they were not available on demand, so all I could do was pray to go temporarily deaf and dumb.
She immediately went into my kitchen and started cooking after farting off at the mouth. It was 3:30 in the afternoon and she decided we needed to go ahead and start dinner. I don't know why she said "WE" because "SHE" wouldn't even let me in the damn kitchen to cook in my own house. Oh no-no, dear reader, she wasn't being nice. She wasn't concerned that I needed to rest, she wanted to be in control, and my hubby inadvertently aided her by shooing me out of the room. CAN YOU SAY PISSED?
We all sat down for dinner where the main topic of conversation was how she hardly gained any weight at all with her two pregnancies. Well isn't that special. I escaped after eating more green beans and climbed the stairs to bed, leaning heavily on the rail, pleading exhaustion.
The next day was just as hellish. Why do you walk like 'at? Come on, less go shoppin'. You sure do have to pee alot. I ain't never heard of nobody being sick that much while they was pregnant. Can't you get the Dr to give you something to make it stop? Do they still let you work at that Army place while you're pregnant? Your rearend growed too didn't it. You shouldn't be takin' them pregnant pills (pregnant pills?). A friend of mine told me they wasn't good for the baby. Now, I don't want you to go usin' those disposable diapers. Use the cloth ones. They worked just fine for me and my children and they'll work just fine for you too. OH! I cane wait to keep the baby.
That evening, they left. Hubby was upset. "I never get to spend enough time with them."

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At Thursday, May 04, 2006 1:58:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 2:37:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

Holy crap. She is the devil incarnate.

I just loved your oh so appropriate graphics next to your side-splitting hysterical words.

My ex-grandmother-in-law (also the devil's spawn and, thankfully, six feet under now) was just this kind to me while I was pregnant with her first great grandchild (who, according to her, was a sorry soul, having come from "bad blood" via his bastard mother.)

During her first post-partum visit with us, she politely informed me I would need to cut my hair short because "You don't want to get your bugs in the baby's eyes, now do you?" That bitch.

LOL, thanks for the memories, Nikki :o)

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 3:29:00 PM, Blogger Sven said...

Did she tell you to stay away from the chocolate too because the caffeine might transfer over to the baby? That one sent my wife over the edge. No one gets between a pregnant woman and her chocolate.

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 3:51:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Oh tell the truth, Nikki. China WAS conducting missile exercises to make you maintain your calm. I heard it all in my headphones at work and "Nikki" was mentioned repeatedly.

We have transcripts.

But if I told you where they were, I'd have to shoot your H-I-L.

(and on a separate note, the verification word is "otaty" - like a stuttering Buckwheat. hee)

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 5:07:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

uh, it appears that i deleted someone's comment. I apologize. I was not intentional.

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 5:09:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Rhonda - they had to have been related. I got that same speach from my HIL

Sven - yes she did as a matter of fact. I pretended my glucose levels dropped to low and my hearing went out.

Misha - I can't comment on your comment. It's all top secret.

At Thursday, May 04, 2006 7:32:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Okay, it's official, someone at Blogger is stupid. That wasn't me that deleted that comment, Blogger did it. That comment was my whole post copied and pasted to a comment and emailed to me. They caught it at least.

Stupid Blogger

At Wednesday, May 10, 2006 4:28:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

"Stress Con 3"

Brilliant! LOL

At Wednesday, January 31, 2007 8:49:00 PM, Blogger Marymurtz said...

I'm chiming in late here, but she sounds JUST like my hubby's recently departed grandmother. She treated my husband's mom JUST like this--southern accent and all. Jay-zus, what a horror!


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