The Little House That Hell Built - Part 1
In response to all of you who are just hanging on the edge of your seats waiting with baited breath to hear me piss and moan about my Horror-In-Law, grab your bag of goodies and a glass of sweet iced tea and brace yourselves. Please have tissues handy to catch anything that may fall from your mouth or come shooting from your nose, or at least have something to clean the screen and keyboard.
I'm gonna tell you stories about the hell that I have lived in for the past 10 years. To do this I have to explain some things about myself, so just bear with me and pretend like you're interested.
I seldom go to church. (I'm such a sinner - BAD ME! - BAD ME!) I believe very strongly in GOD but don't feel that I should have to pay the church anything to pray and worship and love Him, and to be loved by Him. I swear with such feeling and ingenuity that I make sailors jealous. I speak my mind, mostly. I have a very hard time biting my tongue about anything. I like my privacy and guard it jealously. I react badly when I get my feelings hurt. I carry grudges. (Remember that, it'll be important later) I hate, just absolutely HATE it when a woman uses the excuse she can't do something because she is a woman, not that she is simply unable, or unwilling to do it.(Remember that one too.) I try very hard to respect other people's opinion's and beliefs -- except when they're just stupid. I'm very sarcastic. (This last one comes as a shock doesn't it)
Now I will tell you about my in-laws.
My father-in-law is so great. I love him to death. He is one of the most gentle people I have ever met, but he is firm enough when the situation calls for it. He never raises his voice for anything, people just listen when he speaks.
My brother-in-law is also great. I love him to death. He's got backbone and an easy way about him. He also rides a kick-ass Harley.
My mother-in-law is the bane of my existence. The very fact that my husband has touched this woman's flesh at some point in his life makes me ill..
She bears a striking resemblence to the evil monkeys on the Wizards of Oz - only taller and with poofier hair
My Horror-In-Law is a strict Southern Baptist woman and has been all her life. (If you turn up your volume you might be able to hear the THUMP THUMP THUMP of the bible beating in the background) She lives in a small town in the mountains of North Carolina that encourages small mindedness (being from NC, I have noticed that most of the small towns there do that). She believes a woman's place is in the home. She believes a woman should submit to the man. She believes a woman shouldn't be in a leadership position. (are you sick yet?)No ladies and germs, I am not assuming that she believes these things - all of these things have come out of her mouth and have been directed to me and at me.
Knowing those things would be enough for me to stay away from this woman until my dying day had passed, but I can't. She is family. Not just any family either, she is my husband's mother. GAG. I have many nicknames for this woman, Horror-In-Law and Judge Superior being the ones I use most frequently.
I call the house she lives in with my beloved Father-in-law "The Little House That Hell Built".
Let me take you back...
To the first time we met. Hubby and I had been dating for over a year and he invited me to "Meet the Parents". I've never been good at that sort of thing, but Hubby (or rather Hubby in training ) never gave out flip invitations, so I went. I really should have asked more probing questions like "Does she breath fire and brimstone?"
or "Will she tell me the yawning pit of Hell is waiting for me?" instead of something as innocent as "What do you think I should wear?". I guess it's really my own fault.
At any rate, everything was great on the first visit... right up until the time I walked in the door.
"Oh I jus' love your hair color. It's not real is it?" (when you're doing her part in your head, remember to use a really heavy southern accent,and make the voice as annoying as possible - like fingernails on a chalkboard)
I was so blown away. "Uh, yes it is actually."
It was then that I was to be introduced to her pissy attitude that I was to become so familiar with over the years "Oh, well it don't look it." she said rolling her eyes.
Shock doesn't cover it. I had only said one sentence to this woman and she had already gotten shitty with me. Ever heard of Foreshadowing?
That dear readers, is how I met my Horror-in-law.
Tune in next week for our next installment...