Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Little House That Hell Built - Part 1

In response to all of you who are just hanging on the edge of your seats waiting with baited breath to hear me piss and moan about my Horror-In-Law, grab your bag of goodies and a glass of sweet iced tea and brace yourselves. Please have tissues handy to catch anything that may fall from your mouth or come shooting from your nose, or at least have something to clean the screen and keyboard.

I'm gonna tell you stories about the hell that I have lived in for the past 10 years. To do this I have to explain some things about myself, so just bear with me and pretend like you're interested.

I seldom go to church. (I'm such a sinner - BAD ME! - BAD ME!) I believe very strongly in GOD but don't feel that I should have to pay the church anything to pray and worship and love Him, and to be loved by Him. I swear with such feeling and ingenuity that I make sailors jealous. I speak my mind, mostly. I have a very hard time biting my tongue about anything. I like my privacy and guard it jealously. I react badly when I get my feelings hurt. I carry grudges. (Remember that, it'll be important later) I hate, just absolutely HATE it when a woman uses the excuse she can't do something because she is a woman, not that she is simply unable, or unwilling to do it.(Remember that one too.) I try very hard to respect other people's opinion's and beliefs -- except when they're just stupid. I'm very sarcastic. (This last one comes as a shock doesn't it)

Now I will tell you about my in-laws.

My father-in-law is so great. I love him to death. He is one of the most gentle people I have ever met, but he is firm enough when the situation calls for it. He never raises his voice for anything, people just listen when he speaks.
My brother-in-law is also great. I love him to death. He's got backbone and an easy way about him. He also rides a kick-ass Harley.
My mother-in-law is the bane of my existence. The very fact that my husband has touched this woman's flesh at some point in his life makes me ill..

She bears a striking resemblence to the evil monkeys on the Wizards of Oz - only taller and with poofier hair

My Horror-In-Law is a strict Southern Baptist woman and has been all her life. (If you turn up your volume you might be able to hear the THUMP THUMP THUMP of the bible beating in the background) She lives in a small town in the mountains of North Carolina that encourages small mindedness (being from NC, I have noticed that most of the small towns there do that). She believes a woman's place is in the home. She believes a woman should submit to the man. She believes a woman shouldn't be in a leadership position. (are you sick yet?)No ladies and germs, I am not assuming that she believes these things - all of these things have come out of her mouth and have been directed to me and at me.

Knowing those things would be enough for me to stay away from this woman until my dying day had passed, but I can't. She is family. Not just any family either, she is my husband's mother. GAG. I have many nicknames for this woman, Horror-In-Law and Judge Superior being the ones I use most frequently.

I call the house she lives in with my beloved Father-in-law "The Little House That Hell Built".


Let me take you back...

To the first time we met. Hubby and I had been dating for over a year and he invited me to "Meet the Parents". I've never been good at that sort of thing, but Hubby (or rather Hubby in training ) never gave out flip invitations, so I went. I really should have asked more probing questions like "Does she breath fire and brimstone?"
or "Will she tell me the yawning pit of Hell is waiting for me?" instead of something as innocent as "What do you think I should wear?". I guess it's really my own fault.

At any rate, everything was great on the first visit... right up until the time I walked in the door.

"Oh I jus' love your hair color. It's not real is it?" (when you're doing her part in your head, remember to use a really heavy southern accent,and make the voice as annoying as possible - like fingernails on a chalkboard)
I was so blown away. "Uh, yes it is actually."
It was then that I was to be introduced to her pissy attitude that I was to become so familiar with over the years "Oh, well it don't look it." she said rolling her eyes.
Shock doesn't cover it. I had only said one sentence to this woman and she had already gotten shitty with me. Ever heard of Foreshadowing?

That dear readers, is how I met my Horror-in-law.

Tune in next week for our next installment...

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19 Comments:

At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 4:31:00 AM, Blogger St Jude said...

Hello there, just dropped in from my friend Atilla's place. I've been reading your blog for a while. Your Horror-in-law sounds very similar to mine.LOL.

Great stuff.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 9:11:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Hi St Jude! I've been reading your blog as well. I've read about you mother-in-law. Shall we comisserate over tea and crumpets? LOL

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:01:00 AM, Blogger Heather said...

This is so wrong and I can so sympathize. My MIL isn't a true bitch, and doesn't do anything out of spite, but that almost makes her harder to deal with. She actually called me while in hospital for brain surgery to tell me she didn't like how my kitchen was organized so she was redoing it... and about to start the rest of the apartment next! Unfortunately, she reads my blog so I can't really rant and rave there about her since I originally set it up so she wouldn't feel so disconnected from our lives (and thus call us every other day...)Thanks for leaving the comment on my blog too!
Heather

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:18:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

Egad. I'm very similar to you, so I think I'd have to kill her and blame a polecat. :)

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:22:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Heather, you have got to be kidding me. That is just low-down. I'm so sorry you have to put up with that. Your welcome to rant at my blog anytime.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:30:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Misha, I'll make the trap for the polecat if you bring the bait - or vice versa.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 11:07:00 AM, Blogger Rhonda said...

Yikes. She sounds like my former grandmother in law. Horrid, horrid woman. You have my sympathies, Nikki!

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 12:01:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

Goddam blogger. Just wiped out my WHOLE comment, so I start again.

I seldom . . .

I LOVE this whole paragraph, Nikki. I knew there was a reason I like you.

I too have a MIL--Ma Kettle--who lives in Nowhere, Colorado. Thank God she stays there. I'm lucky, though. She has hated me since day ground zero and hasn't spoken to me for 31 years. Silence is golden, I always say. She suspects I have more than 2 brain cells, and that worries her.

Unfortunately, her daughter doesn't take after her. Yap, yap, yap.

Keep up the good bad stories.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 12:04:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Thanks Rhonda, I'll take the sympathy as long as it comes with booze, lots and lots of booze. ;D

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 12:55:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Admiral, I'm jealous. I don't want my HIL to talk to me either. Unfortunately, those BOSE headphones I keep thinking about would immediately melt in her presence.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 4:52:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

OMG--the hair thing. My mom was showing my MIL my baby pictures, when I had bright strawberry blond hair.

MIL looked at my now (natural) auburn hair and said, "What happened to you?" LOL

Just keep telling yourself one thing. I do.

The woman did one thing right. She produced the wonderful man who became your husband.

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 5:35:00 PM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Euuugh, I sympathise.

I rarely see my MIL, Mrs McHaggarty, due to the fact that she leads a rather, shall we say, flittering, lifestyle. Namely, she flitters from place to place reaching her slender bony hands into places uninvited.

You can read something of the woman and her mischevious ways here

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:02:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila, I have come to the conclusion that my husband was abducted by aliens and deposited at this woman's house. There is no way she could have given birth to him. He is THE MAN, while she just looks like one. (Oh, that was bad of me wasn't it - he he he)

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:11:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Dr. - I read your entry. Your HIL sounds...interesting. Quite. All I can say is "Wanna Trade?"

 
At Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:19:00 PM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Mmmm, let me think about that for half a quantum moment.

Thanks but No.

The advantage of having Mrs McHaggarty as my HIL is that her own daughter takes pains to keep her away from me, knowing, as she does, that we have, shall we say, a personality clash. She appears rarely, and stays for a small amount of time. If I remember to hide my valuables her visits are usually quite short indeed. She is due a visit soon, so I'd better start on the inventory.

 
At Thursday, April 20, 2006 4:22:00 PM, Blogger Panacea said...

Hi, I hope you don't mind me sniffing around. I fortunately don't have a mother-in-law yet, but when I do get one eventually, I get the feeling she's going to be one hell of a horrible person.

If my mom was reading this post, she would sympathise. My grandmom can get um... heavy on her at times.

 
At Thursday, April 20, 2006 6:42:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Hi Pan! Of course I don't mind you sniffing around. You are more than welcome. Just remember, if you smell anything, it was hubby - he did it - it's his fault.

 
At Monday, April 24, 2006 6:09:00 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Are you telling us we should never pull C's finger?

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 8:49:00 AM, Blogger Girl In Her Underwear said...

Ugh! I just hate even reading these words!!! My in-laws are so warped that I had to start a completely different blog devoted just to them and how insane they are!!! It's the best way to vent without shooting them.

 

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