Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dear God,

Sometimes, you let really good things happen.

Like yesterday, when I went to CVS I found two really great books for Lauren. Journey to the Center of the Earth, and Around the World in 80 Days. They were only 2.99 a piece! I snatched them up and did a funny little dance. They were hiding behind one of those displays that hang from the aisle on those plastic doo-hickeys, on the bottom shelf. I just happened to drop my keys, bent to pick them up and something caught my eye. Hard backed with an illustration every few pages, I was taken back to the first time I had ever read them. I hugged them close and grinned at the cashier as she tucked them in crinkly plastic bag and pushed them towards me.

After I picked up Lauren, I showed them to her and teased her just a little bit. I made airplane noises and pretended they were flying over her head while she jumped for them. "Sorry" I said "These two books are only for people who really love to read...only for people who love a good story about adventure. I wonder who I'll give them to hummmmm?" She almost tackled me. She has devoured several pages of Journey to the Center of the Earth already. "I'm going to leave these in the car mom, right here, beside my seat, so I can read some every afternoon and every morning." So that's where they live now,in my console, eagerly awaiting her return, so that she may discover the treasures inside.

Thank you for giving her the love of reading. Thank you for giving her the imagination to enjoy them. Thank you for my daughter, she's my angel.

My mother is now living in Montana. She and her husband have been dreaming of finally being able to live there for many years, and you finally made that happen. I miss them but she's happy, so it's okay. I get to talk to her all the time. What's even better is that she has now got a camera phone so I can send her pictures of my short people all the time. Last night I sent her 2 showing Connor slinging food from here to there and my Lauren looking beautiful and sweeter than sugar.

Charles got that nice raise and now, all of our medical bills are paid off. We no longer have to worry about bankruptcy. I don't pace the floor at night any more, and cry in the shower where no one can hear me. I don't squish my kids in extra hard hugs because I feel guilty for not doing better by them. I squish them extra hard because I love them and treasure them.

We will finally get to take the kids places instead of just being homebound - not even being able to afford gas for free activities. I'll be able to take Lauren shopping for school clothes instead of just a shirt or pants and shoes here and there, skipping enough lunches and saving every single penny to save up for them. I don't have to worry anymore if I need to take Connor to the Dr, if I have enough money to cover the co-pay in the bank, and how I'm going to afford the prescriptions that he always gets. I don't have to worry about the electricity being shut off and people taking me to court. I don't have to worry how I'm going to afford a new car battery if the one I have now suddenly dies. I don't have to worry about making the tank of gas I have streeeeetch as long as possible because we don't have the money for any more, I can turn on the AC and not feel guilty.

I'm still deeply in love with my husband. I love him more and better than I ever have. We are constantly re-discovering each other and spend countless hours depriving ourselves of much needed sleep talking and joking like teenagers. We talk of important things and issues in the world and sometimes, we talk about nothing at all and fall asleep at night holding each other.

Thank you for sending him my way. Thank you for sending me a man that loves me for my intellect, my spirit, my sense of fun. Thank you for sending me a man with a sense of humor, who is capable of such sweet, fierce love and believes his word is his bond. Thank you for sending me a man that respects me, my opinions and decisions.

Thank you for sending me a MAN.

Connor is doing so great! I never drempt that he would be doing this well after he was so sick for so long. Even now, he has dual ear infections, but I can't tell. He's not cranky, or fussy. There's no fever, no loss of appetite or pulling of the little ears. He's happy. He giggles and likes to face dive into the bean bag and baby wrestles with his daddy. He gives such sweet drooly kisses and when he hugs me, he squishes his whole baby sized body against me and snuggles into my neck. He pats my arm and makes adorable baby noises and it makes me feel like I couldn't possible take another breath and have it better than the one I was holding right at that moment, only to find that it is better, that it is some how sweeter and more life giving.

I couldn't even imagine this a year ago.

Thank you for my son.

Thank you for being there with me though all those really tough times. When I was in the shower, the washcloth pressed firmly to my mouth, tears mingling with the spray. When I hit my knees, for the first time ever, when Connor was going in for surgery, not even 2 months old. How I screamed and prayed and shouted in anger at you when he would stop breathing, getting ready to do CPR on my infant son, who we had tried for so many years to have, who I was was watching slip away in front of me. When Lauren was 8 months and then again at 2 and she was soo, sooo, sick and I didn't know what to do. When things between Charles and I got so ugly, I packed his bags for him and told him he either needed to get himself together, or get out, all the while I felt my heart had been ripped from my body and I was bleeding freely, leaving a big pool of love on the floor. How he hugged me, and held me and took his suitcase back in the bedroom and we talked for hours and slowly got ourselves back together and things have been wonderful ever since, even after all this time.

Thank you for all you have done, because I realize that while life doles out challenges to us all..to me and mine...you have been beside me, and in me, and I was never alone.

Thank you.

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34 Comments:

At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 11:02:00 AM, Blogger kim said...

ok you made me cry before coffee ya bitch!

seriously nikki that was beautiful and Ive never been happier for anyone
*bigggest hugs ever*

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 11:33:00 AM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Nikki? Is that you? (Just kidding!) What a fine day!!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 11:34:00 AM, Blogger 34quinn said...

damn i am crying too...argggggggggg.

how wonderfull of you to write that and acknowledge that you are never alone with "HIM" in your life.

As hard as life is, and it is...I still like to believe "HE" only gives us what we can handle. We don't always believe we can handle it but somehow we do.( so it must be true).

I believe that we experience things in our lives for a reason, I have to believe their is a plan for it because there is so much pain we go through in life there just has to be a benefit , if not for ourselves at least to help someone at some time.

Anyways, I love that your family is strong in spite of life's challenges, stay strong and always keep your FAITH in "HIM" .

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 11:43:00 AM, Blogger happykat said...

Good for you Nikki.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 12:05:00 PM, Blogger Spill The Beans said...

Amazing, beautiful post. I'm so glad you shared it. Usually you make me laugh, today you made me misty and sentimental. Thanks!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 12:14:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

What a fabulous post!!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 12:21:00 PM, Blogger Panacea said...

You had me sniffing too, along with everybody else. This was a lovely post. *sniff*

Inidently, A Journey to the Centre of the Earth was one my favourite books when I was younger. I'm sure Lauren is going to love it as much as I did.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 12:34:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Hurrah for Happily ever after!


Yes, CVS, Exerds, all those drug stores are great for books, and cheap too. THats where I snag most of sarahs....

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 1:16:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

*bawling like a baby* I hate you, you know. ~sniffs~

What a great post. Your best yet.

*HUGE hug, bigger than Kim's, even*

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 1:25:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

*pushes christinas ass out of the way* I was HUGGING her!!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 1:37:00 PM, Anonymous melissa b. said...

Joining the crying parade...

That was beautiful and really good for me to read today. Thank you.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:00:00 PM, Blogger Los said...

If that doesn't motivate you to do good, nothing will. Great post!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:01:00 PM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

What a great post! Isn't it wonderful how sometimes things just come together. Of course we know it's no coincidence.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:16:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Listen here, Cali girl (rolls up sleeves) this is a touching, awesome post that nikki wrote and I will not have you ruining the moment. You were done and it was my turn, dammit.(hits her in the back of head)

(yells) Nikkiiiiiiiiiiiii

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:29:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said...

What a lovely post. I'm so glad everything is going well for you!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:35:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Thanks everybody.

What can I say?

GOD kicks ass.

Christina, no hitting. Go stand in the corner.(snicker)

Hugs to you both.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 2:53:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

Ah, but you see, you are in a position to be TRULY grateful. Only people who have been through the worst really understand when things are the best. ANY threat to your babies and your marriage is the worst.

And sometimes when things aren't drastic, people forget to be thankful for just the everyday things. But you know? Everyday really IS the best. Wonderful stuff is a bonus, but everyday is terrific!

Good to see open eyes.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 3:39:00 PM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

Not many people actually take the time to be thankfull like that...

You've been blessed and are smart enough to realise it!

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 4:21:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Stop all the blubbering!

There are tissues and snot and smeared mascara all over the damn place now.

Jeez. ;)

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 7:24:00 PM, Anonymous nikki said...

that was beautiful. thank you for sharing.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 8:59:00 PM, Blogger parnellpr said...

Nikki- wow girl! Reading that brightened up my day! The big man can indeed be wonderful, and it's things like this that make you love life isn't it? The books are frickin awesome btw! Jules Verne should NEVER go out of print. Adventure stories like this are a necessary part of life. As a fellow lover of books it always gives me great cheer to hear that a another one has joined our club. I have alot to be thankful to my mother for, but inspiring in me the love of reading books, newspapers, magazines etc has enriched my life so much. I can't think what my life would be like if there wasn't a decent book to look forward to. One of these days i might even get around to reviewing some on my blog or perhaps creating a whole new blog for them. BTW, don't be put off by the bad reviews of the steve coogan and jackie chan version of around the world in 80 days. If your daughter wanted to watch i would highly recommend it. Lastly, in my household around the world in 80 days is always associated with a tv cartoon series and ex monty python member, Michael Palins own successful attempt, which was televised as well as published. If you are interested in this and his other travels, all of which have had the same treatment then i would recommend this website here http://www.palinstravels.co.uk/

Pippa.

 
At Wednesday, August 09, 2006 9:41:00 PM, Blogger Girl In Her Underwear said...

That was awesome and I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. I have a 2 1/2 yr. old facing surgery for the second time in a year. I thought we had it bad, but I can't believe what you've been through! She's never had symptoms of being sick. I'm really grateful for that. You are a blessed mom, too. :)

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 12:34:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

It sounds like you have a ton to be thankful for. Good for you!!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 7:44:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Wow.

Ya' got any extra men like that lying around?!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 9:12:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Good for you Nikki. Sounds like you hung in there through the tough times and its paying off now.
Again good for you.

Anyone have a klennex? Its for Christina not me!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 10:16:00 AM, Blogger Two Write Hands said...

Wow.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 12:30:00 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I would hug you too, but I don't want to get beat up by Christina and Kim.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 2:27:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

~runs to grab kleenex box~
Ok, ok... I forgive you for the tide in my pool!
Jesh...
This was so open and *sniff* "I'm eclempt overa- here...Tawlk amoungst yourselves"
*sniff* *sniff*
I love this!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 2:28:00 PM, Blogger Meg said...

That was really touching, Nikki. You're funny and deep.

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 5:58:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

nice...really, really nice...

and my heart feels full and warm.

:)

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 8:04:00 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

What a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes.

Lord,you are good and your mercy endures forever!

 
At Thursday, August 10, 2006 8:30:00 PM, Blogger Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Very nice. And especially nice to read after a day like today with terror plots uncovered. Sigh. Hold on to those you love and kiss them!

Lisa

 
At Friday, August 11, 2006 9:19:00 AM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

The thing that brings me back to your blog is your diversity. You are a great writer...straight from the hip and from the heart. I love this post.

 
At Saturday, August 12, 2006 6:58:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

I love you Nikki.
God bless

 

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