Friday, September 29, 2006

Give Me Furniture Or Give Me Death

Man oh man!

I need some living room furniture in a bad way. I am absolutely fed up with it.

I would like to be free from fear - fear of sitting on the overstuffed armchair - scared that it's going to try to eat me again. Last time I tried to sit in the damn thing I sunk way down deep in it and COULDN'T GET UP. I felt like those old people on that commercial for Life Alert and wished to hell I had one. It was not pretty - especially since I was at home with just Connor and I was stuck - practically folded in half and pinned by a chair. (Yes,I have grace - what can I say)

*Grunt Grunt uuuugghhhh!*

"Damn it!!!! Son of a...hi sweet baby, mommy will be up to get you some milk in a minute. No, nonononooooo, please don't cry. Mommy will get you some milk, I promise. NO SCREAMING. Connor, look at that toy over there honey - isn't it cool."

*More wriggling and squirming*

"Sorry peice of shi...come here baby, give Mommy a kiss ...NO NO! Don't play with the vacumn cleaner honey, that's not a toy. I said to put it down. Connor Allen! Boy, you're getting ready to have a bad day"

*wriggle squirm wriggle squirm*

"Connor - SON! you're going to break it! Go play with Elmo, that's right Elmo. Elmo likes to dance. There you go! Dance with Elmo!"

*I try to dance along folded in half and trapped in the chair - the fluffy jaws of death had me in a firm grip - I could not get leverage to get out - it just wasn't happening.*

"Connor honey, don't throw Elmo. Pick him up. Connor, I said to pick him up."

*Connor toddles happily away*

*Son of a bitch - sorry rat ass bastard of a chair! I'm gonna burn this thing...if I ever get out of it."

Grunt, wiggle, squirm, cuss

"Connor! Connor! Come back in the living room sweetie! Do you want to sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider? Connor!"

Then suddenly without warning - the chair released me....I was free, and I haven't put my ass in that thing since.

No one else has had any problems with that damn chair. The frigging thing is out to get me.

I'm going to visit the Basset store....and I'm not buying any stupid overstuffed armchairs either

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29 Comments:

At Friday, September 29, 2006 10:48:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See what happens when you lose weight? Your furniture tries to eat yo sexy ass!

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 11:07:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

So this was your Ghostbusters moment. The trailer park doesn't have 'big item day' that you could go shopping?

Don't throw that.

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 11:34:00 AM, Anonymous Jeff said...

Sit in it sideways and roll out of it till you get a new one> lol

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 11:47:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

ha dirty birdie! i think your chair's cousin, the couch, lives at my house. only it's power is putting people to sleep.

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 1:01:00 PM, Blogger Rainman said...

Its because your new skinny ass, thats why you couldnt get out!


(Building up brownie points for future)

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 1:08:00 PM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

Consider yourself lucky that was BEFORE you've lost that weight!!! Imagine now!

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 1:09:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Dirty - I sure hope that's not true, I'm soooo not into inanimate objects.

Christina - How's that whole mysterious rash thing going?

Jeff - LOL

Nikki - I have the anorexic cousin couch to your couch - the only damn thing it does is make you want to not sit on it.

Rain - no brownie points for you - you still have a deficit - as I recall, you kicked me out of the practical joke club a while back. You need to start laying on the compliments

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 1:16:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Stinky - I would have slipped under the cushions, never to be seen again - like some episode of twilight zone

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 2:11:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

You SAID you wouldn't tell anyone!!! That's the last time I trust you with filling a prescription. Damn.

*scratches*

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 2:32:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Christina - LMAO!!!

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 4:24:00 PM, Blogger Rainman said...

Nikki - Nice ass honey. an I get you another beer?

Christina - You said It was only a cold sore! (scratchs ass)

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 9:36:00 PM, Anonymous quinn said...

K ...nikki....take off the skin tight size 12 jeans and put on some regular comfy jeans ..now go sit in the chair and ..get back up....oh...see..there now isn't that alot easier.. LMAO

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 10:25:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Maybe we could install an eject button.

 
At Friday, September 29, 2006 10:32:00 PM, Blogger Bostick said...

funny you are

 
At Saturday, September 30, 2006 2:01:00 AM, Blogger Rhonda said...

I have the opposite problem. A crapass fouton couch. Trying to get comfortable on it is sort of like trying to get a warm, fuzzy feeling while hugging an anorexic.

Not even the dogs will use the thing.

Wanna trade?

 
At Saturday, September 30, 2006 9:29:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Can I point out you might want to consider usde furniture? Because it sounds like small children, you realize any NEW furniture you get will have milk/puke/pee/crayon/marker stain on it before very long?

Not to mention various food items hidden in cushions when your not looking....

 
At Sunday, October 01, 2006 10:44:00 AM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

LMAO! Such rage!

 
At Sunday, October 01, 2006 3:33:00 PM, Blogger WOA said...

Blammo! Nice post. Thanks for cheering up my dreary weekend!

 
At Sunday, October 01, 2006 7:55:00 PM, Blogger Los said...

Shame you didn't videotape this, you could've won $10,000 from America's Funniest Videos!

 
At Monday, October 02, 2006 9:09:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Rain - thanks for the beer.

Quinn - take off the size 12 pants? you do realize that's easier said than done.

Les - LMAO good idea

Bostick - Welcome and thanks!!

Rhonda - if you're dogs aren't using it, then neither am I - but thanks for the offer LOL

Carm - for that very reason, Charles has shot down my visit to the bassett store - yeah, I hit him.

 
At Monday, October 02, 2006 11:04:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mr Fab - the chair is possessed and it took me literally when I said to bite my ass. LOL Damn chair.

WOA - not a prob LOL - do you need a chair?

Los - damn, another opportunity gone. ah well, I'm not to disappointed about not making a fool of myself on national television, I do enough of that at home LOL

 
At Monday, October 02, 2006 8:48:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

Speaking of your size 12's....

Today was the last day of OLTA - where are your stats, funny girl? Don't tell me that the chair ate them....

 
At Monday, October 02, 2006 10:29:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

You say that now, and hitting him MAY alieveate your frustrations about almost getting eaten by the chair, but the first time the wee one spills or has a serious accident involving finger paints on it......you'll regret it.

 
At Tuesday, October 03, 2006 9:59:00 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I guess you don't have IKEA near where you live...

 
At Tuesday, October 03, 2006 11:15:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

I have this picture in my head of a big furry-feathery muppet chair with big foam teeth with you, struggling and grunting in the middle of it, grumbling obscenities. LMAO

Why is it that children get into what you don't want them to touch the SECOND you are helpless to do anything about it? It's a conspiracy, I tell you.

BTW, I was on TV yesterday, at 5am in 50 degree weather in a bellydance costume. There's a link my blog. :)

 
At Tuesday, October 03, 2006 12:46:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

~blows nose~
OMG this is so funny It made me hack up a lung laughing!
~sprays lysol so no one gets my cold~

 
At Tuesday, October 03, 2006 5:11:00 PM, Blogger Sven said...

Note to self: Next time I visit Nikki's house, bring a crowbar to assist in getting up from chair.

 
At Tuesday, October 03, 2006 10:45:00 PM, Blogger Jazz said...

LMAO!!! I randomly found your blog through someone that recently visited my blog. And I am so glad. I just read your two most recent posts and they had me rolling. Thanks for the laugh...did you get new furniture? I'll be back to find out.

~Nicole

 
At Wednesday, October 04, 2006 10:01:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Ha! We used to have what we called the "fart" chair. It was something about the way it was constructed---an easy chair---that mangled the bodies' digestive tract.

Within 10 minutes or so, the person sitting in the chair would have to rip ass. LOL

I miss that ugly old thing. It was always good for a laugh.

 

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