Saturday, September 09, 2006

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now have four adults, 4 children ages 8,6,4, and 17 months, 2 goldfish, 2 hermit crabs, 3 dogs and 4 cats in my house. Oh, correction, make that 2 cats (one is mine, one is Stinky and Redhead's). It seems that Charles treated our 2 Tom cats as furry little footballs last night. Punted them right off the back porch, and he kicked one so hard that one even landed on the grill (or actually slid down the lid). Then he showed true man wisdom by telling me about it.

I won't even go into the "conversation" that ensued. Let's just say that he won't be doing that again because he wants his testicles to stay attached to his body. I'm still mad...seething actually.

I know some of you may find this funny when you visualize the cats flying through the air with stunned expressions on their faces and then hearing the "THUNK" of one of them as he made contact with the grill. Rest assured, I don't find that shit in the least bit funny.

My poor kitties. I love my cats - treasure them even. I even had a cat rattle when I was a baby. Me and cats are a package deal. If you don't like cats - then you can pack your shit and go 'cause I'm gonna have me a kitty...PERIOD. I let them sleep on my pillow and pet them in my sleep... SHUDDUP.

Both of the kitties that Charles scored a goal with just showed up at my house one night. The first tom cat (who we ingeniously named TOM - a beautiful tabby cat) came out briefly from underneath the house today and I was able to check him out. He didn't seem any worse for wear. I'm sure his ribs are a bit sore and I'll be taking him to the vet to be checked out as soon as I can coax him in the cat carrier. I was foiled in my attempt to do that today when Charles came out on the back porch and the cat saw him. Apparently, it was to much for Tom (flashback for him I guess...like a bad trip on acid...or so I hear), and he beat all four feet getting the hell out of dodge. Can you blame him? I shot Charles the stinky eye and shoved him, and I don't mean I shoved him in any playful sort of way either.

The other tom cat - black as pitch (we thought about naming him "Midnight", but that name has been done to death, "Turd" had also crossed my mind but I didn't want Lauren going to school telling her friends that she pets her Turd, so we named him Night, which very quickly changed to Night-Night)and looooves to eat. He came to the edge of the yard (about 20-30 yards away) and sat there looking at me and slunk away when I called him. I'm guessing he's the one that became intimately acquainted with my grill...what do you think?

In my house, there are a few things that are just sacred. ONE - my animals. TWO - Charles' Nascar races. THREE and FOUR - don't pertain to this conversation.

There will be a reckoning, you can bet your sweet ass on that. NO ONE TOUCHES MY ANIMALS. I have this funny feeling that all his Nascar races are going to be deleted from the DVR, ALL VHS tapes will be erased and his fucking #3 Dale Earnhardt throw cover is going to mysteriously disappear, along with his favorite Nascar mug, his sorry ass Nascar collectible bullshit that is collecting dust sitting on top of the mirror of my dresser,the fucking latch hook Nascar Checkered flag I've been doing for him, and just for fun, I will purge all traces of "Adult Entertainment" from this house just to piss him off. He will tune into his race next week to find that I have locked his sorry ass out of it and only I have the password. I'm also going to screw around with his Nascar bullshit that he keeps on line.

Oh yeah, I'm a pissed bitch. You just don't treat animals that way. He WILL learn.

Oh, and I'm sure you are wanting to know why he kicked the kitties....we finished cleaning out the den late last night and found that one or both of them (definately not the other one.."Jezebel" we call her "Jazz" - she's very skitish and won't go anywhere in the house except for my bedroom)had crawled into a couple of the boxes and used them for a litter box. We also found a couple of piles of kitty poo one on some folding chairs and one on his very expensive golf bag that he never uses. One of the boxes that was treated with such malice was family pictures...some of those are baby pictures of Lauren that had been blown up AND FRAMED and they can't be replaced. We had some of them professionally done. I'm hoping the frames afforded some protection, I'll be taking a look later in the week. I just can't bring myself to look right now.

To be honest, I'm pissed about it myself, but that doesn't excuse his behavior as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe I wouldn't be so pissed if he had taken the cats and showed them what they had done and put them outside or whatever, but he just went into the bedroom, snatched the cats off the bed where they were sleeping, and watched to see how far they could fly.

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41 Comments:

At Sunday, September 10, 2006 1:01:00 AM, Blogger Mel said...

Yeah, that'd be the cue for a dead motherfucker at my house, for sure... I don't bring a pet into my home unless it is from sheer love... so if somebody, even my own beloved, were to do my pet (currently my cat Osie) harm, that would be an extREMEly bad idea. And a declaration of war. WAR, motherfucker.
I hope your babies come back
And also, that you survive the visit. Being crammed like a sardine in your own home? Not fun. Been there, done that.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 6:05:00 AM, Blogger The Poodle's Friend said...

I love cats too. Too bad I'm allergic. And Night is such a beautiful name.
And wow, a pissed Nikki is a scary Nikki! :)

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 8:00:00 AM, Blogger Jim said...

You are almost right there, Poodle's Friend; a pissed Nikki is beyond scary. It's like the wrath of hell on performance enhancing drugs.

Kicking a cat like that is the lowest of low except for screwing around on your spouse. Pets are like children to me...totally innocent and trusting by nature...absolutely under our protection and to abuse that trust is a really rotten thing to do. Why not take a little "used kitty litter and tuck it down in the toe of his favorite shoes. Leave them where the cats can do that special vengeance thing they like to wreak when we have pissed them off by being away for a few days. Then get out your digital camera and shoot a few shots to share here of the look on his face as he realizes the answer when you ask him if he can guess what his testosterone poisoned toes are sweating in down in the dark recesses of those cat pissed Nike's.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 8:31:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

OK, I confused. Are they YOUR cats, in the case of you pet them or take care of them and they are allowed in the house, OR are they wild cats you take care of on your back porch?

If they are actually your pets, his testicles should have been removed. HOWEVER, if they are strays you just feed, while I still dont condone the way he handled it(you dont kick animals, period), strays are a bad problem....ask me about the problem I'm having here.....

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 10:31:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

ha! sounds like my husband. his theorey is a good cat is a dead cat. asshole.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 10:40:00 AM, Blogger Sayre said...

Perhaps you should line the litter box with the NASCAR throw...

Man, I would kill anyone who intentionally hurt my kitties. And kitties are sensitive. They are probably a little off due to the influx of people. When my stepson and his family moved in with us, my cats did some pretty strange stuff, including going where they weren't supposed to.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 10:44:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said...

That's so mean! Love your plan for revenge though!! I usually go with the standard scratching all porn dvds and complete Booty Block for at least a month!!

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 11:16:00 AM, Blogger Evil Genius said...

I sure hope Charles never finds his way to my house. 'Cause if he does, he'll never leave. That is, no one will ever see his wanktarded ass again.

Bwahahaha.

I'm just saying.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 11:25:00 AM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

Man! I'm a cat freak as well and to do something like that to a pet that you allowed in your house to start with is simply wrong. Yes he was frustrated and all, be he should "know" those are animals, not thinking grown men who should know better.

Strange that the cats would crap just anywhere like that? Was their litter box unavailable or full?

I must say though that your revenge idea isn't agreeing with me either, even if it sounds like a good plan, nothing good will come of it. Maybe you should re-think that... I'm just saying...

I hope the cats get over their "trauma" and let's hope they don't retaliate by doing worst... 'cause those little buggers can do that too (I know from experience!)

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 11:45:00 AM, Anonymous quinn said...

OH boy, well Charles is deffinately in the "dog house" with me over this kitty issue..

You just do not abuse animals ever.
Also unless you can catch an animal in the act of what it is you do not want them to do punishing them for it in any matter at a later date is just useless as they will not understand what they did..

Like children any animal will react so much quicker to what you want when you praise the good stuff and ignore the bad. NO attention for bad..lots of attention for good...

The proper response would have been to take the cat pick it up walk it to the litter box ..sit it in it..and praise the cat..make a fuss over how good it was and stuff..

then removed the other box without a word.

repeat the good behavior a few times randomly throught out the day ..they will get the hint.

I am deeply disapointed and agree that sayre had a great idea with the throw LOL ..

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 12:57:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

rut roh... charles is in deep shit!!!

welcome to Nikki's friends... I hope he doesnt get mad and boot the friends off the porch ...but they are probably
potty trained huh ?

hehehe

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 5:29:00 PM, Blogger JennyJinx said...

Tsk, tsk, Charles...Sheesh, are you not concerned with your very own well being? Gotta have Nikki's back on this one. Poor kitty.

TheMan is highly allergic to cute kitties (the fucker) but we're moving soon and I'm going to have a basketful (no, really)just like in this picture.

Good luck with that houseful, Nikki. Boy, if you come out of this with all your hair still on your head it will indeed be a miracle.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 6:40:00 PM, Blogger Los said...

I hate to hear about stuff like that - I have always loved animals. Used to work at a Pet Shop in my younger years.

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 8:43:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

cats flying...uhmmm :)

 
At Sunday, September 10, 2006 9:13:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

am i the only one who has a cat who vindictively pees in the corner while i am staring at her and she just has that look of pure scoffscofffuckyou in her eyes and continues to pee while a am forcefully smacking her away and then i chace her around the house to catch her and lock her in the bathroom? yes? well, ok. see, i can actually understand the cat-flinging impulse although i wouldn't take it as far as drop-kicking.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 5:44:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I can't imagine what possessed him to do that. Apparently he's never heard that animal abuse is illegal! I'm sorry he did that. I can understand why you're so angry.

I have 3 cats 2 of which are adopted, and they are like a part of my family.

My ex-husband once asked me if I had to choose, would it be him or the cats. Did I mention he's my EX husband?! I made the right choice, too, lol.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 11:14:00 AM, Blogger superstar II said...

UM, Drop kicking the cat (even if you don't like them much) is SOOOOOOOOOO unforgivable.

OH and if Charles lived here in PHX he would be subject to animal cruelity and punishable up to a E felony...FYI

~arms folded~
NO SEX for him! To the gallos for him! Drop kicking a poor kitty...Imean REALLY?!?!?!

Hope kitties are OK!
[[hugs]]

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 12:27:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah!!!

No I'm not laughing at the kitty abuse (poor kitties!)... I'm laughing at your twisted sense of humor.

The title of this blog entry is fucking hilarious.

And slap Charles upside the head for me.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 12:52:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

BAHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry. I don't like cats. Put that knife down. Woman, I said NOW. No, I need these tits. Stop it. Back off. I'm calling my mom.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 12:52:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

Okay Charles is in big big doo doo!!

Poor kitties. If Tony ever kicked my cat I'd kick him in the nutz.

Baaaad Charles, no buscuit!!!

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 2:37:00 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I love cats. Problem is I'm allergic to them.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 3:29:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

I am not for abuse of animals although I do get a little testy with my dogs (and past cats). I think if you can hurt a pet you are not too far from hurting a kid.

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 6:29:00 PM, Anonymous shrigs said...

He. Did. What!?!?!

First, I <3 animals. Always have.

Second, I have a kitty too (her name is Hermione, and not after the Harry Potter series, although I like Harry Potter too). And if anyone touched her the wrong way, I would send them down your way. I bet that'd be a lesson they would NEVER forget.

Keep your chin up with the full house. Remember...yoga helps with this kind of stuff....sort of... ;)

 
At Monday, September 11, 2006 7:01:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

Oh how I would've loved to have been there, Nikki...I may be gay, but I can wipe an animal abusers face on the pavement like anyone can and I would have. That fucking pisses me off...I'm sorry, I know he's your husband, but I'm still pissed right now.

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 9:27:00 AM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

I still don't think you've explained all the people... who are they and why are they there?

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 10:10:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

You go Woman. No one messes with a woman's pussies.

All is fair in love and war.

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 12:23:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie Duex said...

LOL Les!!!

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 1:55:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Ohhhh...
You're back????
All it took was Charles to do something to get you back on line....
Punting the cat is a bit extreme...
But I wish I lived across the street as I would be making buttered popcorn and watching the 'games' begin...
Nikki and her blogger friends at one end... Charles at the other...

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 2:22:00 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Our cat annoys me on a regular basis.

But I could never kick it off of a porch. That's just mean and wrong.

Besides, our cat has gotten fatter in recent months, and I just don't think I could get enough hangtime on it.

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 4:32:00 PM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

No comment

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 4:33:00 PM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

still miffed

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 6:00:00 PM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

Just curious - how old is the cat that went to the bathroom in the inappropriate spot? I have a 17 yo male cat and 2 yrs ago he started using the toolbox as a litter box (bye bye corroding Craftsmen tools). This, despite the fact, I kept his box immaculate - even bought a fresh one. Vet said that when some cats get very old, they 'forget' where they're suppose to 'go'. He since moved outside and is happy as a clam, but I do think he has kitty alzheimers if there's such a thing.

 
At Tuesday, September 12, 2006 8:01:00 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

I love animals. And I believe that someone who abuses them will also abuse children. There is no way to justify such behavior. People need to understand that when animals "misbehave" according to our rules, it usually isn't defiance or meanness, but simply that dogs and especially cats operate on different principles. It's up to us to prevent these things from happening by anticipating that cats WILL probably pee in open boxes, etc.

Punishing them cruelly accomplishes nothing but making them fear and eventually hate their abuser. Good luck in making Charles understand how very serious and unacceptable his behavior is

 
At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 5:40:00 AM, Anonymous Moobs said...

My cat has aksed me to thank you for standing up for catkind. This is unnerving me, I think their organising some kind of union

 
At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 8:57:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Cats! and more cats.
We have three of those fur heads also. Wait now we are up to four. The fourth is the new Barn cat someone dropped off at our house a couple of weeks ago. He shouldnt have drop kicked them but I can sort of understand the frustration. Cat pee smell is is next to impossible to remove. My rule is if they pee in the house where they are not supposed to more than once, they go to live in the barn or find a new home. Tough love, but I hate that smell.
My black cat is named Coal. Smartest cat we have ever had hands down. Does circus tricks (Jumps from stool to stool) for food, opens doors with his paws on the handle, actually likes people and acts like a dog, kicks dogs butts that are 5 times his size and rules the house. All 10 pounds of him.

 
At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 1:16:00 PM, Blogger Miss Keeks said...

I can't imagine anyone behaving like that. I confess, if my ball and chain did that (which he never, never would), I can pretty much guarantee that it would end our relationship. Possibly after I kick him in the balls so hard that they fly out of his mouth.

Horrible. Perhaps you should consider finding the cats a new home--just to keep them safe.

I consider animals to be on a par with children in regards to innocence. You've recently had a lot of upheaval at your place. the cats are acting out. They're already really upset, your husband doesn't need to torture them.

 
At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 1:26:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie Duex said...

I think Charles should have to track down the kitties, give them a bath, a pedicure and a good rub down as community service for his bad behavior.

Groveling for forgiveness helps too.

 
At Wednesday, September 13, 2006 1:31:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

I've got your back on this one, Nikki. And Charles' name (at least temporarily) on my shit list.

I think I'd be making a trip to the petstore and spending ridiculous amounts of money on new kitty toys to take up the largest portion of his side of the bedroom.

 
At Friday, September 15, 2006 7:28:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Oh no. I'm not a big cat-lover, but that's appalling. :-(

 
At Friday, September 15, 2006 8:50:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Hey
hOpe you and the guests and family are settling in.

 
At Saturday, September 16, 2006 9:59:00 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Must hunt Charles down and punt him
Must hunt Charles down and punt him
Must hunt Charles down and punt him
Must hunt Charles down and punt him
Must hunt Charles down and punt him
Must hunt Charles down and punt him

Okay, now that that's partly out of my system, email me privately if you want some more ideas to cause him distress
H

 

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