Monday, September 04, 2006

East Coast Living

I had thought about breaking this up into 3 different parts, but that is going to take entirely to much effort and I have shit to do. Read some now, and come back later and read the rest if you can't stand to read it all in one go. (lazy ass)

I love living here on the east coast. Really I do. I've lived further inland and have visited as far west and north as Montana - and it was beautiful, but I like living here. Lots of trees, lots of green shit all over the ground (the animals have upset stomachs) and I can grow an ass load of flowers and shit if I can ever manage to keep the friggin Japanese Beetles from killing every damn thing (notice how I blame them).

There are a few disadvantages to living over here:

1 - Inbreeding. Laugh if you must, but it's a friggin reality. You know the story of somebody's cousin gettin' hitched to one of his cousins? Yeah well, I have a distant cousin that did that. I'm not kidding. They are second cousins and they have offspring. No shit. They were fully aware when they tied the knot. Apparently, it didn't matter. Their kids have 6 toes (okay, NOW I'm joking - or maybe not - I've never met their kids or seen their feet - of course, If I had seen their feet with out actually meeting them that would imply that they are detachable or they've been severed and either thought is just a little to "out there" for further contemplation)

2 - The BUGS. Oh My God. I have wolf spiders around my house that are as big as my palm. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. It's plain nasty.

We also have Japanese Hornets, Yellow Jackets, Bumble Bees, Carpenter Bees, Honey Bees, Wasps, stinging flies, biting flies, horseflies, gnats, mosquitoes, fleas, ticks, a BILLION species of moth, Black Widow spiders, Brown Recluse Spiders (I just found out the other day from one of my clients that there have been a rash of those biting people here lately), red backed spiders, regular black spiders, garden spiders, Japanese Beetles, cicadas, Katiedids, June Bugs, Beetles, cockroaches, termites, grasshoppers, crickets, camel crickets and any other kind of insect that "The Big Cheese" decided he wanted to torture me with. (Thanks for that God - 'preciate it).

I live in a cloud of DEET, go through endless cans of bug spray and I'm starting to seriously consider having an affair with "Bubba" (cause that is one guy the can chew some Hubby Bubba - even if he only has one tooth) the pest control guy to cut down on the monthly costs of treatment. Hey, it's all about home economics and tightening the budget belt. This is just one of ways they don't teach you in school or talk about in expose magazine articles. I mean, I've already seen his crack - you'd think he was a damn plumber with the way he shows it off or something, and you really know a lot about a guy after you've seen his crack.

3 - Storms. I hate storms. I'm scared of Thunderstorms. (insert wussy jokes here) I hate it when the storms roll in with low hanging clouds and the thunder shakes the house. I'm constantly walking to all the windows in the house - back and forth, back and forth, to look out of the windows. My x-bastard said I looked like a caged puppy - to wit I responded that I wouldn't be waggin' my ass in his direction anytime soon.

Hurricanes and all Tropical Storms suck big donkey dicks. They throw out tornados for fun and that just doesn't endear them to me. I want to keep my shit thank you. I won't appreciate having to crawl out from underneath the ruins of my homestead and walking a mile down the road with the baby on my hip to pick up old bank statements and deny that any of the other rubbish is mine so I don't have to pay to have it removed.

Ernesto the Pesto hit here this past friday. It wasn't to bad. I was expecting worse to be honest. It turned east before we got the full wallop and so we were spared the horribleness of the eye of the storm.

I worked all day and left at exactly 5pm. I was worried about some of the low spots flooding out on the roads for me to get home, so I drove as fast as was safely possible and beat feet to the house. I stopped by the little country store that is 2 1/2 miles away from my house and picked up a gallon of milk and a couple packs of cigs and went home. No worries.

I walked in the house and there was no power, no phones, no nothing. DAMN.

You may remember that Charles has been out of town in NC. We were also still expecting the worst of the storms in a couple of hours. So there I was, in the house with Lauren (who is also scared of storms) and with super baby, a dog, three cats, and I'm sure an endless variety of creepy-crawlys that had managed to squirm, wriggle and bore their way into my sactuary to get out of the rain. Did I mention it was starting to get dark? Yeah, the fun factor went right off the scale.

Like I said, it wasn't to bad. We got a lot of rain - which we needed and that was about it...except there were no lights and no phones. Super kid had mercy on me and went to sleep for the night at 7pm - an unheard of phenomenon. Lauren and I made a great big pallet on the living room floor and I read her some of The Hobbit until the lighting was bad enough I had to stop before my eyes exploded.

We made shadow puppets in the flickering candle light and watched the storm whip the trees around a bit.

The lights came on about 9ish and Lauren jumped up and down and yelled "MOVIE!" - so that was the end of the quality mother-daughter time.

The phones didn't come back on until about 6 or so Sunday night. Did I mention I have dial up? Did I mention that I read blogs EVERY DAY???? I was about to DIE. Hello, my name is Nikki, and I'm addicted to the internet.

I was FORCED - do you hear me? - FORCED to spend quality time with my family. Now they think I love them or something.

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At Monday, September 04, 2006 12:38:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

my grandpa used to squeeze japanese beatles between his fingers. eeewww.

sorry about the storm. they don't cream me out per se, but i can do without the side effects. instead i live in a place with earthquakes and wildfires. nice.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 7:17:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

ha! ever been in a blizzard without power?!?!?!? now those are fuuuuuuun. i'm with you about the storms sister. no likey them. outside of the snow and occasional tornado issues, michigan isn't so bad if you ask me.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 7:46:00 AM, Blogger Sayre said...

Hey, Nikki! I wondered what happened to you...

I can relate to this post big time. Living in Florida, we have all kinds of fun with storms and bugs. Thank god for the break this year. The last two years have been pure hell. We lived in a mobile home. near the coast. Can you say "evacuate" everytime the wind blows? I'm actually looking forward to our first storm in the house - without having to pack up every vital thing and moving kid, paper, pictures and pets out to my parents' house for a couple of days. We were near the coast, but somehow, their house near the state line always seemed to get it worse than our mobile home. Go figure.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 8:30:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Sweetheart, you and I were separated at birth, lol.

I live in the south so I am accustomed to hurricanes, tropical storms, loads of scary, icky bugs. pop-up thunderstorms and power outages. Oh yeah, I survived a funky F4 tornado once, too. WOO HOO for me! Did I mention that I, too, have dial-up?!

I've also had the delight of being born and raised up north and having to suffer through snow and ice storms 'til I think icicles are going to come out my hooha!

The best of both worlds, lol.

I feel for you! Life can really suck sometimes!

At Monday, September 04, 2006 9:58:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kat - the whole squishing the Japanese Beetles between the fingers - that's just friggin nasty.

Nikki - once, when I was a little kid. I grew up in NC and we had a Noreaster smack us around a little. At the time, I thought it was fun and couldn't understand what mom's problem was.

Sayre - I used to date a guy whose parents lived on the outter banks in a trailer. They had to evacuate every other day. Their trailer was literally right across the street from the beach. To this day (as far as I know), after all of the hurricanes and crap, it's never been damaged.

Blair - I'm born and raised a southern girl. I should be used to the storms and crap, but I'm not. I can't hang. I guess I should stop watching "Storm Stories" on the Weather Channel huh. LOL

At Monday, September 04, 2006 10:55:00 AM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

What would you prefer - the occasional thunder storm or constantly grey skies and unrelenting drizzle? Try living in Scotland for a while and you'll be begging me to get you back to your wolf spiders.


PS Could you please catch a few bugs and send them - I'd love to open them up and see what bugs of their own they're carrying.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 12:27:00 PM, Anonymous melissa b. said...

During our little St. Louis power outtage, my family got the same big I don't know how to recover from that. Good luck, baby.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 5:58:00 PM, Blogger Los said...

I love the East Coast (Philly boy) - we are right in the center of everything - 90 minutes away from New York, DC, the shore, Lancaster, the Poconos. Four seasons are great ... oh, our sports teams suck (sigh).

At Monday, September 04, 2006 7:19:00 PM, Blogger Dave Migman said...

Can't say I agree with McCrumble. Scotland has it pretty easy. Sure we get endless days of miserable weather but a storm is a storm and it isn't likely to take out your house.

The thing we have to compensate for lack of fist sized arachnids are midges (I'm sure the good Doc could back me up with this one).
midges are tiny little bastard flies. They attack in clouds of millions, I kid you not, they bite, they make you itch and they get into any orifice at hand.
But apart from them we have shag all else, even sparse on snakes ( the adder, and it's pretty lame too).

Hopefully with the advent of climatic change we'll get something we can really moan about over here.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 8:06:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

Nikki: Cockroaches are said to be able to survive a nucular hollicost!(did I spell that right?)

Invest in the "glow" sticks. I sell the safety ones and use them instead of candles. They come in handy when you have no lights and it's 109!

I think storms are sexy as hell. The thunder is like a woosy male guy who is all bark an NO bite. The Lighting..Well that is just Mother Nature showin' off her light show abilities and punishing the jackazzes that deserve gettin' hit! Rain...OH the smell of warm wet...just something about romantic to have someone wrap their arms around you and snuggle!

I do not like the water...We have had 4 inches in the last 2 days and more on the way (OTW) tonight! I couldn't even get my car out of my parking "lake" until today! SERIOUSLY 4 feet in my parking lot! I was secretly hoping it would flood my car and I could get a new one! LOL ;o) JK

At Monday, September 04, 2006 9:06:00 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

Glad to hear y'all made it through okay. It totally missed us here, though my little bro got off work early on Thursday "just in case." The bum. They made us have school in the driving rain. Rain. More rain.
And I'm starting to see bugs here too. I hate bugs. All kinds. Ugh. I've got the baby trained to stomp the little shits too. It's pretty funny to watch a 22-month-old stomp on bugs. It takes him about 6 tries before he finally gets it. Teeeheee.

At Monday, September 04, 2006 9:20:00 PM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

"My x-bastard said I looked like a caged puppy - to wit I responded that I wouldn't be waggin' my ass in his direction anytime soon." - simply LOL, you crack me up!

I hope you will quickly recover from your withdrawl of the internet and more importantly I hope you won't be forced too often to spend some "quality" time with your family - wouldn't want them to think such horrible thing about you, like you care or something! Now that would be bad!

At Tuesday, September 05, 2006 1:18:00 AM, Anonymous Nadine - said...

Spider is not scary if only on TV.

Well, I'm not that afraid of it, yet, I believe I must know the first aid of spider bites. You do, too, I guess. That's why I share it here.

And, I also don't like storm...

At Tuesday, September 05, 2006 6:04:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I won't watch Storm Stories. I watched "The Day After Tomorrow" and that was enough for me!

At Tuesday, September 05, 2006 9:43:00 AM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

Nikki, I used to live a few miles north of you, first in Alexandria, then in Annandale. I must've been lucky b/c in my 9 yrs there, I never saw a single cockroach. I saw little household roaches that people would call cockroaches, but not the real deal. In fact that, and the snow, are what I miss most about Va. (well, besides my mother).

I live in Southeast La. so yeah, we deal with hurricanes and the giant flying cockroaches (the flying ones, I believe, technically palmetto bugs). ICK!

At Tuesday, September 05, 2006 10:06:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Quality time? What the hell is that? Isn't that when you plop them in front of the tv to shut them up for a while?

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 7:54:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

What is it about Virginia and the bug population? Something bit me while I was down there a few weeks ago on vacation and left a huge welt on my arm with two puntures marks.

I love thunder storms. We go out on the porch and watch them all the time. Don't even say it!

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 1:38:00 PM, Anonymous shrigs said...

east coast girl right here. born and raised in central pa (home of all those crazy people who worship joe paterno---myself included) and now living in new jersey. have to agree with los, i love it up here for all the same reasons. and we have snow...if it snows enough, we don't go to work/school/etc. nothing like getting cozy with a blanket, soup, and your significant other while watching t.v and the snow falling outside.

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 1:54:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...


Sorry everybody - it seems I lost my mind and forgot to respond.

Dr Joe - No WAY! I'm not touching one of those icky creatures. The only good icky creature is a dead icky creature.

Melissa - The want me to talk to them now. *shudder*

Los - I didn't realize you were so centraly located. Good spot.

Dave - I've read about the midges. You can keep those. I don't want to be stingy or anything.

Super - That's a LOT of water chickie. Be careful!!!

Mama - LOL at your little guy. Lauren still squeels and calls for me - I then call for Charles. LOL

Stinky - I don't know why they want me to pay attention to them! LOL

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 2:03:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Nadine - I don't know about that - I saw a tarantula on TV and it gave the the hebbie-jebbies.

Blair - we have that movie at home. It didn't seem realistic to me. Didn't bother me at all.

Elle - I wasn't aware that there was a difference between a house roach and a cockroach. To me - it's all the same - creepy-crawly disease spredding buggers. Ick

..and I used to commute to Alexandria everyday for work. I REALLY sucked.

Les - I don't allow the TV on any more. We turn it on after dinner, otherwise, Lauren won't do anything with out me getting upset with her.

Rain - *blinks innocently* say what?

Shrig - I was born and raised in NC and ANY snow got school cancelled for days. I really like it right here. Just enough snow during the year and hardly any ice storms.

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 9:51:00 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I'm so borrowing "ernesto the pesto" because he wrecked my honeymoon, and then my friend's wedding (was to be outdoors) a few days later. Whadda jerk.

(though I must admit I LOVE thunderstorms)

At Wednesday, September 06, 2006 9:59:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Heather - Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about your honeymoon. You'll always have the excuse that you really didn't need to go outside anyway. LOL

At Saturday, September 09, 2006 10:54:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Oh Gawd, one thing I certainly don't miss from the east is the BUGS!!


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