Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Hey, Thanks For The Memories Asshole

Dear Mr. Postman,

Thanks to you, I know my neighbors much better than I ever wanted too.

I know that one of my neighbors has a thing for all things Victoria's Secret....it's a dude...an old, greasy haired dude that has about 3 teeth and drives some monstrosity of a car that spews blue exhaust due to that amount of oil it burns.

My other neighbors love them some Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes (you too could be the 10 Million Dollar winner) and get frequent invitations to all things having to do with BINGO.

Yet another neighbor has things mailed to her in discrete brown packages....and that is kinda scary for me - because she weighs so much that she has to use a walker to get around. Reminds me a bit of the Michelin Man....and yet I'm stuck with the knowledge that ADAM AND EVE know who this lady is, and she is apparently one of their best customers.

Another neighbor is deeply religious (guessing from the amount of mail I see coming from Pat Robinson)....and I know I'm bad, but I think it's funny as hell that they live next to the ADAM AND EVE lady.

I would really like to thank you for giving me this insight into their day to day lives...but could you do me a favor?

PUT THE CRAP IN THE CORRECT BOX FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I KNOW YOU'RE NEW, BUT YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO TICK ME OFF.

My daughter is crushed that I won't let her check the mail any more. I don't want her handling a package from ADAM AND EVE for Pete's sake. That's just friggin sick. When she asked me who that was...I told her it was from some sort of religious organization. What in the hell was I supposed to tell her? ....and I hope to hell the ADAM AND EVE lady is a frequent hand washer because I had to touch her mailbox to put the package in the correct receptacle.

It creeps me the hell out to know that the old dude beside me could be thinking of Victoria's Secret undies while at the community picnic, and his smile is all of the sudden that much more creepy.

Thanks for the nightmares you dumb shit.

You keep this crap up and I'll make the cat piss on your Christmas cookies.

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32 Comments:

At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:19:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

it's almost like walking "in" on your parents eh?

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:57:00 AM, Anonymous melissa b. said...

Oh dear.

Of course they can't just mess up with something easy, like say coupon flyers or even the electric bill. Noooo, it has to be the damn porn and sex products. Awesome.

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:57:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Remind me not to ask you for any Christmas cookies.

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:04:00 AM, Blogger Dorky Dad said...

Great. Thanks to your post I now have that vision of some faceless fat woman wearing a skimpy outfit. I'm going to go take a hot poker to both my eyes now for some sweet, sweet relief.

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 11:22:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:03:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A religious organization! Classic! Laughing, laughing, laughing!

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:23:00 PM, Blogger Cece said...

Thank Gawd I live next door to my sister and she is the only one, besides me, who would get my mail!

Funny post.

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:43:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I ordered fropm Vistoria's Secret for my husband...

Get your mind out of the gutter Ms. Nikki...

I got him a nice plush green robe... It has lasted 12 years now...
Mind you,as a consequence of the order, we then got their catalogue... and then we were put on their mailing list...
and then I think they sold their mailing list to FREDRICKS... and ooohhhh,.... MYYYY.... what the neighbours must have thought of us...
all due to an 'innocent' green sensible bathrobe...

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 12:49:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I ordered from Victoria's Secret once...

For my husband!!!

Get your mind out of the gutter Ms.Nikki!!!
I ordered him a wonderful green bathrobe twelve years ago.
As a result of said order, I got a catalogue in the mail...
As a result of the catalogue I got put on their mailing list...
and a result of their mailing list which they SOLD to FREDERICKS...
I now get the FREDERICK's Catalogue...
What the neighbours and the postman must think!!! Porn as a catalogue... no brown envelope...
nothing... just... well...
and no matter how much I protest... it keeps on being delivered...
All because I innocently purchased a sensible green bathrobe twelve years ago...

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 1:17:00 PM, Blogger jennster said...

so just tell him to bring it to my door time. this is so embarassing.

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 1:26:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

Oh, too funny!!!! I'm sorry, but it really is. And a bit creepy too. Perhaps you should print out this post and leave it in your mailbox - see if he/she gets the hint. Leave it on top of a nice box of cookies....

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 2:05:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

I WAS eating lunch, TYVFM. And ew.

You bake? Who knew?

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 3:28:00 PM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

yuck! Funky neighbours you have - wonder what they think about your mail?! he! he!

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 3:38:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

way too funny girl!! is it me or has the job criteria/expectations for mail delivery people gone wayyyyy down? i dont think you even have to be able to read now ...

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 6:27:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Nikki - oh! thanks for bringing THAT up.

Melissa - you know, it wouldn't be so bad if my neighbors would just KEEP the damn bills that are supposed to go to me...but they return them too....damn it.

Les - are you my post man?

Dorky Dad - Welcome! and sorry about the whole visual thing...I'll SEE you later LOL

Sam - that's exactly what I said.

OTJ - I couldn't think of anything else! LOL

Cece - Welcome and thanks! The postman is DEE DEE DEE!

Pendullum - yeah, sure, it was an innocent robe....uh huh, I believe you.

Jennster - LMAO!

Sayre - LOL good idea! I wonder if he'd deliver my mail at all then. LOL

Christina - you want some of my cookies? Girl, check your sugar level....you're going psycho

Stinky - they probably just think that I'm really in debt LOL

Kim - no, it's not just you. Another example of the Dumbing Down of America

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 8:50:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Hahaha!

Oddly, once a neighbor and I ordered from the same company and we got each other's packages. I opened their's up and it was men's satin butt-floss.

They actually looked at the label and didn't open mine (knit boxers for the old man).

I felt really embarrassed when we made the exchange. Why?

Because they are devout Mormons. I kept wondering if the hubby wore the butt-floss over his magic underwear or under. LOL

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 8:23:00 AM, Blogger happykat said...

Nikki, we live parallel lives. Its scary sometimes.

One of my neighbors had a package delivered.....or should I say misdelivered....in a plain brown box. when I opened my mailbox, the package had a hole torn in it near a corner. From that hole one could see a rather large (meaning the size of an arm) dark blue dildo....with bits of glitter in it.

The size of an arm!!

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 8:14:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

I hear you. We had an excellent post man who gave the correct mail everytime.

Then he retired.

ANd I've had to sort out all the mail that comes, including 2 seperate mails that DONT LIVE HERE ANYMORE FOR 5 YEARS!

Ugh. I feel for you.

 
At Thursday, October 26, 2006 11:57:00 PM, Blogger Jazz said...

LMAO! Sorry but that is just to freaking funny!

~Nicole

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 9:15:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - LMAO! Now THAT is funny.

HK - we can only hope that it was just a conversation piece. LOL

Carm - do we have the same postman?

Jazz - I'm sending you cookies too LOL

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 10:47:00 AM, Blogger Sven said...

"and I hope to hell the ADAM AND EVE lady is a frequent hand washer because I had to touch her mailbox to put the package in the correct receptacle."

Eewwwww...

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 10:51:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK heres the solution: Move your mail box. Either that or just stop getting mail like Krammer did.
Sounds like you Rebels have some serious issues with mail? Can't we all just get along?

Oh and no cookies please! Send mine to Christina.

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 2:18:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

He's such a giver, isn't he?

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 3:30:00 PM, Blogger Girl In Her Underwear said...

ICK! Ha ha! You win the award for creepiest neighbor!

I think my picture will take you to the correct spot, but just wanted to let you know I've changed my url to jennyhaha.blogspot.com.

Lata chickie!

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 5:02:00 PM, Blogger Meg said...

Ha ha ha!!!! ROTFLMAO!!

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 5:45:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

Maybe the Victoria Secret neighbor can hook up with the Adam and Eve neighbor. Perhaps she can escort him even further into the dark side (insert Vincent Price laughter here)

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 5:49:00 PM, Anonymous pedro said...

almost wierd blog ...

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 6:35:00 PM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

OMG! I just got all my neighbor's mail today! I don't even bother bringing it to their house mainly because I've lived here for 7+ years and I'm STILL waiting for them to say "hi" to me! Instead, I just give it back to the postal carrier and tell them to check before deliverying.

 
At Friday, October 27, 2006 7:40:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Sven - yep, that's exactly what I said, put the mail in her mailbox and did the heebie jeebie dance.

Rain - DUDE - I have better hair than Kramer...I can't go there.

Christina - I'm about to GIVE him a fat lip.

Blessed - girl I haven't seen you in a coons age...where you been?

Meg - laugh it up girl - you too will one day be tortured with a dumb ass postman and you'll want to comisserate with me...at which point I will buy you shots of tequilla and laugh at you when you fall over.

Jeff - LMAO. I didn't think of that - maybe they hook up in secret.

Pedro - Welcome...and my blog is almost weird?.....THANKS!!!

Annie - Welcome! and yeah, you'd think after 7 years, he'd get the friggin clue.

 
At Monday, October 30, 2006 11:23:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. I don't have this problem at home, but at my office? I get the right mail only when my regular mailman's on the route. Then he goes on vacation for like three weeks, no lie, and I get stuck with the dumbass mail carriers who can't remember THE NEXT DAY after I've told them, "No. This goes to Suite So-and-So, around the corner." So I have to tell the morons day after day after day, EVERY day, until my regular mailman comes back.
Dumb shits.

 
At Tuesday, October 31, 2006 12:18:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Almost makes ya wanna get your packages from Amsterdam at work instead of the house eh?? {wink wink}

 
At Sunday, November 26, 2006 3:01:00 PM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Our mail carriers barely speak English and probably can't read it. Just what you want for the job. We get other peoples' mail constantly, and wonder who has ours. This is especially worrisome when it involves checks.

 

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