Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Seconds from Disaster

Boy 1 is 6 yrs old, Boy 2 is 4 yrs old.

Squish Boy 1 and Boy 2 in the same room with the baby, just across the hall from only girl child - must be older (preferably with Mommy Syndrome), stir well with general bedlam and chaos, throw in a few pets for spice (add a pregnant full blooded Cocker Spaniel with separation anxiety if available), sprinkle with more than a dash of motion sickness from each child, generously add extremely curvy back roads. Sit back, watch everybody scream, fight and puke. You now have a day out of my life.

Envy me.

STOP TOUCHING ME! STOP TOUCHING ME! MS. NIKKI! PLEASE TELL HIM TO STOP TOUCHING ME!

Cue rolling eyes and heavy sigh.

This used to happen everyday on the way to and from Daycare/School. Now, noone is allowed to touch anyone while we are in the car.

LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU'RE BOTHERING ME! BE QUIET! GO AWAY!

Cue clenched jaw and frustrated look.

Again, this used to happen every morning on the way to and from Daycare/School. Now, we play the QUIET GAME and noone is allowed to talk to anyone. I get to turn the radio on and sing along - rather horribly I might add - with the music. I have a feeling that they think their punishment has gone on a bit to long, and is a bit to severe. Ms Nikki never threatened to sing along with the Beatles and Nora Jones. They all - even Connor - shoot accusatory looks at me from the back seat.

IT'S MY TURN TO BE UP FRONT! STOP IT! YOU RODE UP FRONT LAST TIME! YOU'RE TELLING STORIES!

Cue banging head against anything available - as long as it will draw blood - then I'm happy.

This stops after I threaten to stuff them all in the trunk or strap them to the roof of the car. To bad I can't banish them all to the back seat. There's only room for 2 plus Connor's car seat and then one in the front. I have to strain to remember who sat up front last - and to find out who sat up front while they rode with Redhead. Heaven help us all if I get it wrong.

MOM! BOY 2 HAS HIS THUMB IN HIS MOUTH! MOM! TELL HIM TO GET AWAY FROM ME! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!

Cue searching for anything sharp to cut my wrists with.

The only response here? "Lauren, you're grounded anyway. Why are you out of your room. Don't let me catch you again, or you'll stay in there another 3 days. (gives crazy mom look) Try me."

I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR SOCKS ON. WHY ARE YOU STILL RUNNING AROUND BAREFOOT? WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? LAUREN, WHERE IS YOUR BOOKBAG? WHERE ARE THE JACKETS? WHO MOVED THE JACKETS? WHY IS THE DOG OUT OF HIS KENNEL? PLEASE TAKE THAT FROM THE BABY....I SAID TAKE IT FROM THE BABY, NOT SNATCH IT FROM THE BABY. GIVE HIM A HUG AND KISS AND TELL HIM YOU'RE SORRY. YES, I KNOW HIS CRYING HURTS YOUR EARS.....OMG! WHAT WAS THAT! YOU DIDN'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH THIS MORNING! DON'T GIVE ME THAT! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU - YOU HAVE DRAGON BREATH...NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT COLOR DRAGON YOU ARE, GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. CONNOR HONEY, STOP PULLING ON THE CATS TAIL.

This is me. This is my morning.

Please, Please, Please, Please...somebody, anybody...shoot me.

How do mothers with more than 2 cope? How do mothers of 2 with kids in the same age range cope? You are goddesses. You can do anything. I wanna be just like you. Goddesses can do everything and anything.....and hey,since you're goddesses, can you supply me with a winning lottery ticket - we need a nanny.

Thanks. 'Preciate it.

Labels:

29 Comments:

At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:08:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

*pisses her pants, laughing*

*blames it on the dog*

*goes into her zone where nothing not even two screaming daughters can enter*

Life is good. Join me? I got beer?

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:25:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughing, laughing, laughing, and feeling your pain.

I have 3 and they are now 15, 16, and 17. It doesn't get any better, they just learn to scream louder at each other. I find that tequila helps, and if you put it in a squirt gun people just think you are slightly crazy and leave you alone!

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:28:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Christina - I'll be right there, after I finishe the laundry...ah! screw the laundry, move over.

Anon - Welcome! I do have tequilla - I'm rather fond of tequilla sunrises', and I've come to be rather fond of Mikes HardLemonade. LOL

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:33:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I could do was shake my head and laugh.

Btw- my grandmother use to put Jack Daniels in her morning coffee. It helped her out a lot. Perhaps you may want to consider doing the same. ;)

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 3:24:00 PM, Blogger WOA said...

I don't have kids but Jebus! I feel your pain in a distant "Thank God it's not me" kinda way. I will down an extra shot of vodka tonight in your honor.

You deserve it.

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 5:12:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

My mom was a goddess. At one point had three kids in diapers at the same time. She learned to spread them out after that experience. 1 girl and 5 boys later, she's earned her place on Olympus...

I only have one, but I was the one girl and the oldest and I SO remember what it was like....

Make me laugh, why don't cha?

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 6:19:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

go ahead ... worship me ... for i am one of the crazys lol

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 7:07:00 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I don't know how you do it with 2. I don't know how people do it with 1.

Me? I enjoy my blissfully quiet existence...

 
At Wednesday, October 18, 2006 9:49:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Siblings were invented to drive their parents crazy.

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 8:33:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

Duct tape and a paint ball gun will cure most of the problems. Apply both liberally.

And you need to get one of those partitions like in limos that you can close the back off with and keep out and noise.....

Good luck!

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 8:45:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

may i suggest the heavy use of duct tape?

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 8:51:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Shrig - you wouldn't laugh at my pain would you?

WOA - I just want to know - did you get drunk off of that extra shot that you did for me? and if you did - could you do it again?..but I want to know you're drunk this time. Thanks

Sayre - *shaking, and trmebling* Did you say THREE in diapers at the same time? OMG! Don't even mention it - (looks for gun) - these thoughts of murder and suicide won't seem to go away.

Kim - *Throws crack rock* Here,....you need that.

Mr Fab - you wouldn't rub it in now would you? *waved TO BE STALKED LIST* I can always put you back up here.

Les - I am beginning to realise that painful truth, the only problem - I'm not their mom.

Carm - I'm out of duct tape - I've taken to using scotch tape - it takes a while to get them all wrapped up - but they eventually realize that struggling doesn't help in the long run ;D

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:43:00 AM, Blogger Los said...

Wow - I remember acting the same way as your kids when I was a child - thanks for the memories!!

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:54:00 AM, Blogger Jazz said...

Mine are alot younger, well kinda and it already drives me insain. They are 3 1/2 and 5, 21 months apart. And I felt like I was reading about my own right there. Does it ever end?????

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 10:53:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

And people ask me if I plan on having any more kids if I remarry... I look at them with such a look of horror on my face, like they just sprouted a million boils and hairy warts all over their bodies.

Between the bossy 9 y/o who is fond of leaving her homework at school and the whiney 5 y/o who bursts into tears if her older sister looks at her crosseyed... the answer to that question is a big resounding, "HELL NO!! I'm barely keeping my sanity in check here as it is!"

I won't shoot you, but I'll do shots with you.

Come on over! :)

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 12:52:00 PM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

O.
M.
G.

I can completely relate to you. Thankfully I only have 2 but I can barely handle them. If I had anymore, I would have been hanging from the rafters a long time ago.

Stay sane, woman! Or at least try to!

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 3:29:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would never ever laugh at you.....okay, maybe just a wee little bit :P

Thanks for the compliment on the picture. I saved the urge to go jumping through the puddle after I snapped a picture of it, but it was so hard not to. ;)

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 3:56:00 PM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

Mine are now 11, 9 and 4 and I don't know how I've managed not to eat my young (thus far).

I teach the 11 yr old's religion class and there's a seminary student (priest-to-be) that helps out occasionally. He was talking about his pre-seminary life, which consisted of a stint the army. He asked the kids, 'does anyone know what a drill sergeant is?' Son #1's head swiveled around so fast to glare at me you would've thought it was a scene from The Exorcist. Perhaps that's the secret to my (ahem) success? I'm a mean, mean person?

 
At Thursday, October 19, 2006 11:12:00 PM, Anonymous MOMMIE DEAREST said...

AAAAhhhhh I guess the revenge should be sweet now that pay back time has come. But I can't help but feel so sorry for you.{{HUGS}} I wish I had thought of the tequila in the squirt gun trick. I might not have so many gray hairs now (that cost a fortune to keep colored).And Anonymous is right, it doesn't get any better. How'd you like a plane ticket to ABQ?

 
At Friday, October 20, 2006 9:00:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

no duct tape? what about super glue?

 
At Friday, October 20, 2006 5:56:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Los - FYI - you were a friggin terror....just so you know.

Jazz - I hate to rub it in...but my personal hell will soon be over - yours will just go on and on and on....lol - just messing with you - you can't come here and expect no snark LOL

Misha - SHOTS! sounds like a plan - I'll bring the booze - you bring the DD

 
At Saturday, October 21, 2006 11:19:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

we're sending 3 cases of vodka RIGHT NOW!!!

and duct tape. the duct tape is for the kids, okay? well...it does have many uses, doesn't it?

 
At Sunday, October 22, 2006 5:27:00 AM, Blogger Panacea said...

ooh, poor you! I think you should start looking into those duct tape suggestions seriously.

It's times like these I'm thank all the heavenly entites for letting me be the only child.

 
At Monday, October 23, 2006 12:30:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Nikki - you may indeed suggest duct tape, I need new and inventive ways to use it though..any suggestions...and no super glue - I might accidently glue them to myself and then I would cry - not from physical pain - but the MENTAL pain. (like I don't already have enough)

Shrig - I was wondering if you went puddle hopping after that pic. It was just perfect for it.

Elle - LOL, I came out of the room one day to find all the kids lined up saluting me and gave me an "aye aye capin'"

It just killed me, especially since I was in the Army, not the Navy LOL

Mom - YOU VILE WOMAN! YOU AND YOUR EVIL CURSES! GET THEE GONE FROM ME....just kidding - send the ticket....NOW.

Kevin - you are my favorite person, you know that don't you.

Pan - I used to wish I was an only child.....but then who would I lovingly call BITCH except my brother?

 
At Tuesday, October 24, 2006 9:30:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Hey slacker, how about a new post here?

 
At Tuesday, October 24, 2006 10:35:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dont believe me just ask your Mom and Dad. This is all just a cruel and evil payback for what you did to your parents. Trust me on this one.

What I dont understand is my kids are like Satins spawn somedays, and I was such an Angel!

 
At Tuesday, October 24, 2006 12:39:00 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

If you are looking in my windows, you may as well come in for coffee.

 
At Tuesday, October 24, 2006 11:44:00 PM, Blogger JennyJinx said...

See, this is why there are 13 years between my two chillin's. I didn't want to have to referee. Right now the worst I get is "Mom! Baby's in my room again! Come get here!" and "Mommy, where's Sissy? I go in Sissy's Baroom?" Oops, I guess it really is my fault then when I tell her "Sure, honey, Sissy would love to play with you".

 
At Wednesday, October 25, 2006 4:26:00 PM, Blogger happykat said...

Yo, yo, yo..........wasssup?

This is everyday for me. EVERYDAY!

I have four monkeys. The only thing I can say to help is to learn to block things out of your mind and laugh.....a LOT!

:}

 

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