Thursday, January 18, 2007

So What Did You Do With Your Sunday Morning Part III

There wasn't much I could do to help Max. I just kept calling him and patting the floor.

I was getting frustrated. I didn't know what to do to help him. I walked away and tried calling him. I put wet cat food down. I even considered calling the dog over, pinning him to the floor so he would be free to attack him if he felt so inclined...but decided against it...Max is bigger than my dog.

I watched Max twist and turn and scoot around and we were both getting terribly frustrated. I decided it was time for a cig.

I inhaled the highly addictive nicotine with pleasure, closing my eyes to savoir the feeling of it entering my blood stream. Feeling it causing cancer in the interesting and medically inaccessable areas, then I went back to Max.

He was resting, curled up in the duct and I tried to look him over again. I didn't see anything wrong. No scratchs or cuts or gouges. I reached my hand down and lightly petted his back...he didn't move.

"Max. Kitty kitty" no response. He wasn't moving and like a thunder clap - it struck me that Max was dead. I had failed to get him out and he was dead. He was dead in my duct with my children just a few yards away...baby needing a diaper change and everyone needing breakfast....oh shit.

I felt like hell. I couldn't believe it. I was in total shock. I stoked his back and tried to figure out what in the hell to do. No way I could let the kids see this. It would be one of those horrible childhood memories that would be relived at the shrinks office when Lauren grows up and blames me for everything that is wrong with the world.

I called to Charles and told him the cat had died. He sat down at the dining room table (just a few feet away) and took off his supper heavey steel toed boots and dropped them on the floor.

I don't know what in the hell happened or what was going on, but Max came up out of the vent like a shot, climbed up my legs and fused with my shoulder. I almost shit myself. I was screaming like a mad woman - screaming for all I was worth - screaming and dancing and swatting at the dead cat and tried to run - but ran into the wall - and I kept hitting and hitting and hitting him and screaming and screaming. There was a dead cat climbing up my body with claws that were REALLY REALLY SHARP and suddenly visions of PET CEMITARY were flashing thru my mind..

...but he was fine. We had him checked out and he got a clean bill of health. There just wasn't enough room for him to move his hind legs like he wanted to.

We fixed the duct that he had torn apart to get in and made sure that no more kitties could get in under the house.

I'm scarred from the whole experience....his claws were REALLY sharp and he didn't like it when I kept swatting at him for some reason. ouch.

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28 Comments:

At Thursday, January 18, 2007 2:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After all this waiting you made us endure, you deserved that scare! You are one funny woman, and I am glad (I think?) to see that no cat was hurt/kill for this post!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 2:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

After all this waiting you made us endure, you deserved that scare! You are one funny woman, and I am glad (I think?) to see that no cat was hurt/kill for this post!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 2:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO at you running into a wall screaming about the dead cat. OMG! LOL. I am glad to hear that Max is fine. Woman, you crack my shit up!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 3:10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor pussy again. Won't you ever leave that moggie alone? Don't you know by know to let sleeping cats lie?

Anyway, glad to hear he's intact, even if you are lacerated

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 3:12:00 PM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

No wonder you were screaming - possessed, dead demon kitty coming at you and all.... Seriously though, I'm glad Max is okay. Maybe he used up one of his nine lives.

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 3:23:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMFAO, ok I guess that was worth wait. Evil kitty for playing dead on you!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 4:12:00 PM, Anonymous Sayre said...

I hate it when dead animals climb on me! Seriously, that was really funny.

I thought maybe Max was a Maxine and had kittens in the duct, which was why he/she was yowling and not willing/able to come out.

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 4:35:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

What a story! That is the stuff that bloggers dream of - minus the claw scars.

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 4:41:00 PM, Anonymous quinn said...

OH MY &**^$(*%% LORD THAT WAS HISTERICAL...I absolutely laughed my ass off reading this....

I love the part about pet cemetary...hahahahaha.

Loved the story ..glad he is okay and glad no one bled to death from scratches...

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 4:43:00 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

ok, who would have thought that dead cats coming back to life would be TOTALLY funny!

Glad Max made it.

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 5:42:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Whacked the poor cat???

Do yo not remember the lambasting Charles got for punting your cats????

So glad that Max made it...

And am so glad for the memory of Charles' superheavy steel toed boots to bring back a nasty memory that surged through his body and had him cattapult (Pardon the pun)onto your shoulder...

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 5:44:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!! I am so glad I am alone in the office right now. I just BURST out laughing at the visual.
Excellent tale and well-told!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 9:05:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Stinky - blame it on American Idol. I just had to watch it..and then it was late and I was tired.

Chicky Pea - You would laugh at my pain? LOL That's okay...Charles did too, and even I'm laughing now LOL

Joe - what's a moggie?

Elle - I'm fully convinced that Max is a demon cat and that he has all the lives he needs.

Jen - you said it. EVIL KITTY

Sayre - oh how I wish that were true...but then again...how in the hell would I have gotten all the kittens out?

Jeff - I'm a living sitcom man. I couldn't make this shit up..it's to stupid. LOL

Quinn - he got my face dude. Now I can hide all the other marks...but dude! he got my face!!!!!!!!!

Kristin - that shit wasn't funny at the time...trust me on this one. LOL

Pend - oh yeah - I whacked the cat SEVERAL times.

Mel - thanks!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:39:00 PM, Blogger Brandi said...

That is some crazy shit!
I would have been mortified if there would have been a cat in my vent. And to have it come back to like on you like that! Sheesh...I would have pissed my pants! LOL!

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 11:05:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

HHHAAAA!!!! NIKKI!!! I'M LMAO!!! okay, first of all, I was getting tears in my eyes, honestly. You bitch. Then, THEN!!! JESUS... oh my God...I was laughing my ass off...you screaming, swatting the cat, running into the wall...oh....I'm laughing out loud all over again!!!

Well, needless to say, I'm glad that the cat is okay. And you're a complete screwball and I love you.

 
At Thursday, January 18, 2007 11:06:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

I just got pissed, because I wondered where the "F" my comment went. Then I read that "Comment moderation has been enabled". Okay...that's better.

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 7:52:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupid Cat! No wonder Charles Punted him. Kidding, Just kidding!

I thought you were going to say you blew smoke into the duct and smoked the little bastard out. Your ending was way funnier!

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 9:33:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

glad to hear the cat is still alive!
(of course now i have every song with cat in it going thru my head!)

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 10:43:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

Poor Nikki. But you know... this is all Charles' fault. He scared the shit out of the cat (and inadvertantly rescued him). The cat then scared the shit out of you... but at least he's alive and that's one less discussion Lauren will have with her shrink. But that is one MORE discussion she'll be having with all her classmates at school, "You should have seen my mom screaming abd running into the wall with the cat attached to her shoulders!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She's so funny!"

Just thought I'd point all that out.

*grin*

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 11:34:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad he's alive! Great story. And yeah, dead pets traumatize kids. My 4 y.o. is still crying over our dog who died in November. I need to check with my insurance and see if they cover therapy...

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 2:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shit, I hope he peed on you, scaring us like that.

Dead cat = unfunny, very unfunny!!!

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 2:44:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Poor cat just wanted a drag of your cig and you practically beat him to death...

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 6:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moggie is an (International) English term for pussycat

 
At Friday, January 19, 2007 8:39:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pet Cemetary! That is hilarious Nikki!
I'm glad all is well.

 
At Saturday, January 20, 2007 6:53:00 PM, Anonymous jennyjinx said...

So, I'm feeling much better...whew! I'd be screaming, too, though, probably just to yell at the cat for scaring me so bad.

 
At Saturday, January 20, 2007 9:15:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

BWahgahahahahahaha....only you darling. Only you.

Thanks. I needed a funny story ending...

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 3:27:00 AM, Anonymous Annie Drogynous said...

"...his claws were REALLY sharp and he didn't like it when I kept swatting at him for some reason."

Hmmm...I can't imagine why?!

SO glad to hear things turned out well. Boy, what a difficult situation that was!

 
At Thursday, January 25, 2007 2:44:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seriously almost pee peed my pants! You had me so worried about your cat and then boom!

 

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