Clues For You

You guys know I love you don't you? Well, because I love you and shit, I'm making a list of things people need to know about foot maintenance...not necessarily for you specifically, but definitely for the public at large...because some folks out there scare me. Feel free to post this list at work and hand it out to "friends" and family.

You know you need to cut your toenails/take care of your feet when:


You can scratch your leg without moving your fingers.

Your toenails are scratching a hole in your shoe.

Your toenails require more polish than your fingernails.

Your toenail is longer than your toe.

Your toenails are just as long, or longer than anyone of your fingers.

Your sandals don't fit because your toenails hang over the ends.

You are mistaken for a Hobbit.

You don't need to wear cleats.

You look like you work on car engines with your feet - sporting that black line of nastiness under the nail and several built up callouses with sharp edges.

You have to clean beneath your toenails with a butter knife, and it doesn't really help.

You have to register your feet with the county and/or state as a deadly weapon.

Terrorist put a hit out on you because even they can't stand the site of your feet and view them as an aberration.

People have actually told you they would rather kiss you scaly, scab encrusted ass, than to look at your feet.

Bears like you, and view you as a potential mate.

Mr Rogers kicked you out of his neighborhood for scaring the children and clawing at the mailman.

You file your toenails to look like pointed cannibals teeth.

Razor blades immediately rust at close proximity to your bunions and callouses to avoid contact.

You've been banned from even the crappiest manicure places due to frequent breakage of their equipment.

You have several pending lawsuits for property damage and/or post traumatic stress disorder.

Your spouse makes you sleep with your shoes on.

Badgers hump your leg.

Your feet inspired the novella "Dinosaurs Live Again"

Sorry if you're offended by this list. You can send your complaints to www.Imawhineylittlebitchwithbadpersonalhygiene@yahoo.com