Monday, July 02, 2007

Clues For You

You guys know I love you don't you? Well, because I love you and shit, I'm making a list of things people need to know about foot maintenance...not necessarily for you specifically, but definitely for the public at large...because some folks out there scare me. Feel free to post this list at work and hand it out to "friends" and family.

You know you need to cut your toenails/take care of your feet when:

You can scratch your leg without moving your fingers.

Your toenails are scratching a hole in your shoe.

Your toenails require more polish than your fingernails.

Your toenail is longer than your toe.

Your toenails are just as long, or longer than anyone of your fingers.

Your sandals don't fit because your toenails hang over the ends.

You are mistaken for a Hobbit.

You don't need to wear cleats.

You look like you work on car engines with your feet - sporting that black line of nastiness under the nail and several built up callouses with sharp edges.

You have to clean beneath your toenails with a butter knife, and it doesn't really help.

You have to register your feet with the county and/or state as a deadly weapon.

Terrorist put a hit out on you because even they can't stand the site of your feet and view them as an aberration.

People have actually told you they would rather kiss you scaly, scab encrusted ass, than to look at your feet.

Bears like you, and view you as a potential mate.

Mr Rogers kicked you out of his neighborhood for scaring the children and clawing at the mailman.

You file your toenails to look like pointed cannibals teeth.

Razor blades immediately rust at close proximity to your bunions and callouses to avoid contact.

You've been banned from even the crappiest manicure places due to frequent breakage of their equipment.

You have several pending lawsuits for property damage and/or post traumatic stress disorder.

Your spouse makes you sleep with your shoes on.

Badgers hump your leg.

Your feet inspired the novella "Dinosaurs Live Again"

Sorry if you're offended by this list. You can send your complaints to


At Monday, July 02, 2007 10:32:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

First again. Bawhahahaha.

So you're into feet now? I am growing a penicillin colony under there. Leave me alone.

Have a good drunk 4th if I don't see you.

At Monday, July 02, 2007 10:51:00 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

She lives!!!

At Monday, July 02, 2007 12:15:00 PM, Blogger Chicky Pea said...

No grand entrance? Welcome back!

At Monday, July 02, 2007 12:34:00 PM, Blogger Shrig said...

Feet are gross, Period. Pretty and manicured, Hobbit style, they're ugly. Ew.

But, its good to see you back. :)

At Monday, July 02, 2007 12:40:00 PM, Anonymous nikki said...

Did I have to read this while I was eating lunch. It hurts when you snort and gag on your Thai at the same time.

At Monday, July 02, 2007 2:40:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

Those are gross/funny.
Welcome back! The Internet was a howling wilderness without you.

At Monday, July 02, 2007 4:50:00 PM, Blogger Mama en Fuego said...

::Running Hug::

I missed you bitch...

At Monday, July 02, 2007 10:12:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

eeeewwwww....about the toe nails...i once knew a prof who had the grossest toe nail ever and I think they needed to get some kind of industrial cutter to cut those things out.
Hoooorah- that you are back!!!!

At Monday, July 02, 2007 10:13:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

And thank you, for introducing another deep fried something into my life. I had never heard of sopapilla till I saw your blog but googled it up and gawd, they sound heavenly!!!

At Monday, July 02, 2007 10:51:00 PM, Blogger Factor 10 said...

Glad to see you back in the game! Nothing like summertime to bring out those hobbit toes!

At Tuesday, July 03, 2007 9:24:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

Welcome back my friend...

At Tuesday, July 03, 2007 11:20:00 AM, Blogger Sayre said...

I had a next door neighbor when I was little who had toenails like that. He scared the bejesus out of me.

At Tuesday, July 03, 2007 4:52:00 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

I am so glad you are back! I have been frantically checking your blog, hoping against hope. You have truly made my day! And I haven't even read this post yet! I am just so glad to see you, er, hear from you!

At Tuesday, July 03, 2007 5:45:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

Glad to find you back (not to be confused with your feet)!

At Tuesday, July 03, 2007 6:01:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Printing this out and taping it to hubby's mirror. LOL

At Wednesday, July 04, 2007 10:15:00 PM, Anonymous jennyjinx said...

Ugh! You know, the only time I ever saw a podiatrist was when my toenail starting taking on a life of it's own. She sent me to get some gel stuff over the counter. Now all better!

TheMan, though, goes through a pair of socks a day. Hello!

At Monday, July 09, 2007 11:02:00 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

You! Are one gross lady....
So very glad you are back....


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