Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Things That Just KILL Me - aka ANAL RUBS

I have a few things I need to get off my chest - and I'm not talking about my boobs.

I haven't had a good rant in a while and I'm do - so shut your trap about it.

First - Why in the hell didn't somebody tell me that eating healthy would make me fart so damn much? I'm not talking about a little "poot" here and there - saying I "poot" would imply that they are somehow lady like and non-offensive. No so I'm afraid - I'm talking I can blow the windows out of a vehicle with bullet proof glass. I get around on my own jet propulsion. I don't have to buy as much gas because MY gas is a suitable substitute once liquefied (now if that isn't a sick thought I don't know what is). I'm loosing friends. I'm using WAYYYY to much air freshener...and it doesn't even really work - my office smells like a shitty spring breeze and you don't EVER want to go into the bathroom here because it seems I'm always just coming out of that bad boy and the walls have mysteriously turned from white to green - but I'm not claiming responsibility for that. - I'm blaming you.

Second - The cats around my house....AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

I love cats. Really I do, but I'm gonna kick some kitty asses. Granted - I was the dumb ass that left my windows down the other night so the kitty could get in my car. BUT THE FURRY LITTLE BASTARD DIDN'T HAVE TO SPRAY IN MY CAR. I had a meeting with several other people in offices all around the state and I smelled like cat ass....and the first person who laughs and tells me I smelled like a Pussy is going to get the stomping of their life. I guess I'm lucky cause nothing makes a good impression like stink lines and and the odor of cat ass.

Third - You people are some twisted fucks you know that? No, really, you are. I'm not kidding. There is no way I could count the times that people have clicked on my link when they google NIKKI THE NEXT DOOR PORN or some such shit. Apparently, there's a very popular on-line porn chick named Nikki, and I can tell you, this girl is LLLLOOOOVVVVVEEEEDDDD. I have also been found by someone who googled hairy armpits, people who are looking for the advantages and disadvantages of having CURVES, and some poor dumb shit who is apparently stressing out because her baby keeps sticking his tongue out and she wants to know how to stop it. Who ever you are lady, you really need to chill the hell out. If your BABY is sticking out his tongue and you are stressing out over that - you're gonna have a friggen break down when he blows chunks all over your new white shirt. Take some Valium and get back to parenting already - your kid will thank you.

Forth - Don't send me an email full of questions and then call me and ask me all the questions you just sent me before I can respond to you. HOLY SHIT. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. I mean really. What's the fucking point of doing both? Do one or the other for Pete's sake. Try not to show the world that you're a dumb ass humm?

Fifth - I finally flipped out today in traffic. I let a dumb bitch in traffic and the little trick didn't even wave her thanks. After sitting in a traffic jam for 90 mins, and only going 8 miles, I had had it. I pulled up beside her - motioned for her to roll down her window and proceeded to education her tarty ass in some fucking driver courtesy. That little bitch. I was nice enough to let her in, she can be nice enough to throw her bright pink claws in the air to say thank you - that is - if she can wave and pop gum and the same time - the stupid little shit.

Sixth - Why in the hell don't people around here know that when another driver flashes their lights at them it could mean a couple of things - turn your lights on - or the most obvious one - THERE IS A COP UP AHEAD! SLOW DOWN OR YOU WILL GET A TICKET. Okay, I have to be fair, some people do know what it means, and 2 or 3 of them have actually waved thanks...but do you know what really kills me?????

I was flashing my lights at on coming traffic on a sunny morning to alert them to a cop up ahead, got waves of appreciation from a few, when the DUMB BITCH IN FRONT OF ME SLAMMED ON HER BRAKES!!!!!!! Now, I wasn't tailgating her - she was a good 7-8 car lengths in front of me (AND SHE HAD PASSED THE COP TOO!!!!!!) and apparently she got upset that I was flashing my lights at her. ... ... What a stupid bleach blond bitch. I told her oh so nicely that if I had been flashing my lights at her - I would have been riding her ass and not giving her so much space in front of me...and then I had to explain why I was flashing my lights. OMG.

I fucking HATE women drivers. Women seem to be so much more in tune with the popular TV shows, trendy fashion, and where the best sales are on cute shoes...but are friggin oblivious - OBLIVIOUS to the rules of the road and driver courtesy.

Labels: ,

25 Comments:

At Wednesday, April 04, 2007 9:22:00 PM, Blogger In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You seriously crack me up! Good post.

 
At Wednesday, April 04, 2007 11:04:00 PM, Blogger ally said...

great post...i agreed with A LOT of points.

point #4 made me realize i'm a neurotic dork. oops, now that i realized this, i can change for the better, right? -=P

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 7:07:00 AM, Blogger Sayre said...

We seem to be having contest in our family. We too have been trying to eat more healthfully and the title up for grabs is King of Farts. My son and husband are running neck and neck, but my son declares my father the winner after spending the night with them last weekend. I'm not even in the running - all I do is airy shit.

I agree with you about other drivers. That is one thing I've noticed since I moved to town. There sure are a lot of idiots out there.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 7:07:00 AM, Anonymous Annie Drogynous said...

O M G. I peed down my leg from laughing so hard. If they ever have a blog award for award-winning rants, I will nominate you, vote for you and kill all the other nominees just so you'd win.

I agree with you on many points you made. Since all my recent health exams, I've been eating healthier and the gas is indescribable. No details need to be given, of course. You did a fine job of that by yourself, lol.

My father is constantly the one who Emails me something and then calls me as I'm reading the message. It's quite annoying, I feel your pain.

I, too, hate all kinds of drivers, men and women alike and these days I'm not that good anymore about letting people into traffic because of how many times I've been dissed. I know I should let things slide, it's stupid to get pissed off by something like that but why be nice to people who surely don't deserve it?! I'd rather just drive along and keep my own safety in mind and screw them if they don't know how to drive properly!

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 7:15:00 AM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Cheered me up no end. Amazing how other people's misfortunes can provide so much entertainment. Please don't change!

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 7:45:00 AM, Blogger Mustafa ┼×enalp said...

I like your site very much. Thanks for your interest. Have a good day

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 8:04:00 AM, Blogger Amy W said...

Northern Virginia drivers suck. the end.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 10:09:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.......

(And the Nikki porn star...sorry about that. I've been trying to keep it a secret.)

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 10:30:00 AM, Blogger Diesel said...

So... you're not the porn chick?

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 10:56:00 AM, Blogger The "Mind" said...

Get yourself a bucket of Beano, stat!

People keep finding my blog by looking for Porky's. LOL!

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 11:03:00 AM, Blogger Groovy Lady said...

Well hell.. being a first time visitor I feel the need to say.. "Where the hell have you been all my life?!?"

Great post! I was laughing my ass off at your pissedoffdom. Sorry that I laughed at your misery.. but you deserved it because it was funny. :D

I hope that meeting where you smelled pussylike was with men.. that could have possibly worked to your benefit.

Some women drivers, who I'm not sure, but I think are the same bitches that take up the whole aisle in grocery stores.. are the reason road rage and shopping cart rage are so prominent in my life.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 11:07:00 AM, Blogger Meg said...

Nikki...will you be my best friend? After your gas problem goes away, of course...

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 11:18:00 AM, Blogger Chicky Pea said...

I am right on board with the "no thank you" thing. That is MY biggest pet peeve. And I'm happy to say I haven't the slightest clue what the latest fashion trends are. Had you added the notorious stopping at the end of a merge lane rather than accelerating, this post would have been perfect! Good job!

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 12:55:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

LOL.
Heck yeah about the farting when eating healthy bit.
Somebody should put up a disclaimer on healthy foods.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 3:14:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

You need a cookie. Now. LOL

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 5:51:00 PM, Blogger Robin said...

Did you work at Dick's at Myrtle Beach by chance?

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 7:03:00 PM, Blogger Jennifer McK said...

Cookie, hell, Attila. She needs a fucking gallon of ice cream. Sometimes, the rest of the world just seems DETERMINED to be stupid. Or discourteous. Or whatever.
Besides, ice cream doesn't make you fart.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 9:13:00 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

Um, EXCUSE ME? I SO told you about the G.D. Farts. Oh, yes I did.

 
At Thursday, April 05, 2007 10:31:00 PM, Anonymous Mommie Dearest said...

I don't know why you're so worried about the farts. My wonderful sick husband (who was born without a sense of smell) says whenever I fart..."AAhhh!! The sweet smell of pheromones!!!" Is it any wonder he's a keeper?

 
At Friday, April 06, 2007 5:54:00 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Nikki,
That is one of life's great unanswerable questions. (On the "motor poots" as hubbie calls them...). And sadly I can inform you from my multiple steps on and off the healthy eating wagon, if you go back to your wonderful, tasty, delicious, non-fruit and veggie loaded eating ways, the ability to auto-fuel your auto will disappear. If you keep up the healthy eating for about a month, it (mostly) disappears as your body gets used to it. But if you go back to 'the dark side' even just for a few weeks, and then resume healthy... be prepared to keep all windows open. Everywhere. To drive people out of meetings (although this is especially useful if you can keep them SBD...) To clear any and all rooms. Even cubicle areas with 40+ employees.
Heather
Why yes, I did just start back on my own healthy eating plan after a couple of months off, why do you ask?

 
At Friday, April 06, 2007 11:15:00 AM, Anonymous jeff said...

I am glad that it wasn't me that commented on woman drivers. Actually, in my experience, men and women are running a tight race for the most stupid. Now, when I notice someone driving like an idiot, I assume that they are talking on their cell phone.

 
At Friday, April 06, 2007 1:39:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

I worked with a worthless piece of shit who would send e-mails then run down the hall, bust through your closed office door and ask if you had read her e-mail and why hadn't you responded. I HATED that bitch. HAAAAATED, hate hate hate hate...HHHHAAAAAATTTTEEEEED her. I had dreams of strangling her with a phone cord. I really did.

 
At Friday, April 06, 2007 9:37:00 PM, Blogger Shrig said...

I thought I was smelling something funny...

;)

 
At Saturday, April 07, 2007 3:33:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Damn, someone sounds like their having a rough week!

I hate women drivers too....but wait, I'm confused, you hate yourself when you get behind the wheel?

 
At Tuesday, April 10, 2007 12:24:00 PM, Blogger Trouble said...

You know, i think we hate a lot of the same damn things. Maybe that's why I like you so much.

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home