Thursday, March 09, 2006

OH! The love that we share! (yeah right)

Why oh why, do we get married? Sure you love this person, sure you want to be with this person, but lets take an in depth look at what we all put up with.


-The damn toilet seat is left up.
-Hair in the sink from shaving. Not all in one pile - no no - sprinkled liberally ALL OVER the damn sink and on the counter. How exactly does he aim those little hairs behind the faucet where it's hard as hell to clean? I have to make a little cork-screw point with the damn Clorox wipes and run it behind there several times before they become detached from all the shaving cream gluing them down, then I have to get a hammer and chisel and remove the shaving cream itself. I swear he does it on purpose. I can see him in my minds eye flinging the miniscule bits while chuckling softly - the evil glint blazing in his eye. "Damn her for not fixing steak!"
-The lid on the damn toothpaste is off and you have to deal with that especially hard, crusty bit while brushing your teeth. You can feel it moving around your mouth, slithering over your gums and getting wedged in your teeth. They only way to deal with this phenomenon is to spit it out and start again, or pin it with your toothbrush and try to dissolve it. Is he trying to send me a message that just regular toothpaste won't do? Is he implying that I need something akin to power tools to get rid of my morning breath? Or is he simply to damn lazy to put the top back on. Either way, he's in for it.
-The damn toilet seat is left up.
-He stomps thru the house with those size 30, steel-toed boots with crud all over them. Why in the hell can he not take the fuckin' things off in the utility room like a normal damn person? Why must he track leaves, mulch and whatever the hell else he's stepped in- all thru my house for the baby to pick up and put in his mouth? Does he have this obsession with seeing me vacuum? Does he think I make the perfect little home maker? He won't think so when I put some itch weed in his under pants will he? He obviously doesn't see me grumbling and definitely doesn't hear me while vacuuming " sorry ass mother fucker".
- What in the hell is that SMELL? I swear it's either the feet or the ass and I don't want to smell either one of them. I'm concerned for the children. The fumes that emit from this man could possiblely cause dain bramage.
-The damn toilet seat is left up.
-I don't know about yours but mine leaves wads of paper towel all over the house. I could see leaving maybe one or two here or there on the kitchen counter if you're caught up in doing something else. But DAMN IT, he leaves them ALL OVER the house. I'll walk into the bed room and there'll be a great big wad of paper towel on the dresser. THE DRESSER! We only keep a roll of paper towel in the kitchen - how in the hell did it make it all the way into the bedroom for crying out loud? I know I didn't leave it there - I don't use the mirror on the dresser because it's a crappy, cheap mirror - so why the hell should I clean it more than semi-annually? And I wish I could say that he restricts himself to leaving his presents on the dresser and on the kitchen counter but he doesn't - when I say they are all over the house - I mean they are all over the house! the kitchen counter, the dresser, the chest of drawers (I guess so it won't feel left out), the end tableS, the couch, the recliner! but they are noticeably absent the the fuckin' trash can.
-Getting grabbed while unloading the dish washer or cooking dinner. Gentlemen, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE THINKING? We have sharp object in our hands! Do you think that we are suddenly going to be over come with the urge and take you right there on the kitchen floor? NO! It only pisses us off. And you wonder why you get cold at night.
-The damn toilet seat is left up.

Now I know I have revisited the toilet seat thing a few times already, but it pisses me off more than anything else. I will be happy to pick up you damn paper towels if you will just put the seat back down. I do NOT want to wake up at 3am to go pee and get my butt wet. God knows I'm not a slender woman - what happens if I get wedged in? And when I complain about it - you telling me that since we live in the age of women's lib. - I should put it up for you. This is not endearing, this only pisses me off more. I did not buy that fuzzy little toilet seat cover only for it to be squished against the tank 24/7. I intentionally bought one that was extra fuzzy so it would automatically fall back down when you tried to lift it up. THAT - dear sir - is why you have to pee while holding it up. (This should not be a problem for you because I notice in the morning you pee bent over anyway) And to be honest - they don't all do that - just that one type - I have invested heavily in them over the years. When they get to the point that they aren't fuzzy enough to keep the lid down - I'm out to buy a new one. It cures my wet ass syndrome every time.

We'll visit what men have to put up with women later - I'll have to ask someone. I can't possible think of what could be upsetting about us.

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At Friday, March 10, 2006 11:55:00 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Jeeze...picky, picky, picky! Let's just talk about the toilet seat and the stuff behind the faucet. First the faucet...leave the stuff the hell where it is. Do you eat off the surface behind the faucet? Noooo! Why go nuts over something that is no real threat to any creature besides a damn anteater. I think a case could also be made that that "shaving crust" probably functions as a sealant around where the fixture meets the sink surface.

As for the toilet's fifty percent your responsibility and all you have to do is flick it and gravity takes over where your spouse has to actually expend energy against gravity...what's more fair and efficient. They say men resist change. Well they aren't the only ones.

The crumpled up paper towels around in seemingly inappropriate place can and should be viewed as an economy measure. If we need something for a small clean up job like after a sneeze with a small nasal hanger to deal with, we don't have to use a brand new towel for a small dab job.

At Saturday, March 11, 2006 6:36:00 PM, Blogger Jim said...

Oh and one more thought for you Miss Picky...those little hard parts of the toothpaste you were kvetching about.....flick them off into a small cup and save them...they make lovely little after dinner mints!

At Monday, April 03, 2006 12:42:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

ROFLMAO! Hysterical analysis!

Love your blog. :-)


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