The Garden of Shame?

Hubby and I have been languishing in togetherness and it's making me sick.

No, I'm not talking about indulging ourselves in the horizontal mambo (even though that has come up in conversation). I'm talking about enjoying each other out of bed - you know - TALKING to each other...and now I remember why I don't talk to him (it's a joke - jeeeeeezzzz - work with the joke - don't screw it up - even though we all know I secretly adore him, I still get to make jokes at his expense because we're married.

First some background:

We live WAYY, WAYYYY, WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY out in the country. So far out in the country that the deer come right up into our yard. We also have a few squirrels, some bunnies, a couple of 'possum, foxes, raccoons and a whole ass load of frogs that live in the stream that runs through our back yard. We call them "The neighbors". We also have "People Neighbors" but I will not be referring to them anywhere in this story.

Hubby has an amazing gift of knowing when I need to vent about something... or everything. It may be the fact that my head turns 360 degrees while I projectile vomit, but I don't think so. Men are not known for cluing in to subtle hints like that. He knows that venting about something is the best thing for me. I'm not looking to him to find the answers all the time, we do it jointly. If I verbally vomit my stress, I feel a lot better about it and am better able to deal with it and the situation causing it. To anyone else, it would just sound like a lot of bitching and whining.

Now the story:

Mom was staying longer than planned down in NC, spending time with her mother, and Charles and I were sharing a day all to ourselves, until the kiddies got out of school. We haven't had lunch together for quite a while and it has been over a year since we had breakfast out together. He usually gets home at 9-10pm, sometimes later, and I'm so tired I'm usually asleep or just on the edge of it, no matter how hard I try and stay up to ask about his day. So this was a real treat.

We were at IHOP (the International House of Pancakes for all you people who don't have one located conviently near you). We had purchased the local newspaper so we could Tsk over the goings on in our community when the subject of all the rain we've been getting lately came up.

This is the conversation that ensued:

Me - It's a good thing we haven't put anything in the garden yet. Everything would have drown.

Hubby - Yeah, I talked to mom (HIL) about it. She said we can put it in late. We'll just have to harvest late and water more to combat the heat for the cooler weather plants.

Me - Well that's no big deal. I bought that extra hose (total of 3) so it should reach all parts of the garden this year. That'll be great. That way all I have to do is put the sprinkler attachment on and turn the hose on when I get home.

Hubby -I think it would be best if you just turned the nozzle attachment to "rain" and stood out there and watered them that way. You've got time for it. You get home a lot earlier this year than you did last year. Shouldn't be any problem.

Me - HUH?! WHAT?! Honey, I'm running from the time I get home. First there's Lauren. I have to help with and/or check homework, make sure she takes a bath and not just stands in the bathroom while the water is running and then sprinkle herself later to it looks like she took a bath. I need to make sure she lays out her clothes for the next day and check to make sure she does her chores. Then there's Connor. What am I supposed to do - just put him in the playpen all evening? There's diapers that need changing and dinner to cook, and I can tell you that it's not easy cooking when little dude wraps his arms around my knees so I can't walk, while screaming so I'll pick him up. Of course I can't pick him up because I refuse to cook while holding him. What if he gets splashed with something? What if he grabs something hot? So I have to try and find something non-lethal to occupy him so I can cook dinner, but that never works...I'm guaranteed at least 30 minutes of all out screaming - MINIMUM - while I'm trying to put dinner on the table and just pray that dinner doesn't burn while I'm trying to distract him. Then I have to bath him and give him his medicine which is even worse than changing his diaper - you know how he kicks and screams and squirms and spits it all out! Lets not even talk about laundry, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, cleaning bathrooms and just general straightening of the house. We also have a dog, 3 cats and an aquarium with 2 goldfish that Lauren has named Jake and Harry. I also have to find time to spend with the kids! I would actually like to know my children instead of just their names. I don't have time to screw around with the garden during the week. I save that shit for the weekend after I cut the grass on Saturday, but before church on Sunday.

Hubby - *giving me funny look*

Me - WHAT?! FINE! I'll set aside one day a week where I'll go and hoe around in the garden if you think it needs more attention.

Hubby - (pause) ... so uh, you'll be hoing around in the garden huh.

Me - Well, yeah (abrupt stop)... oh damn!

-laughter from both-

Hubby - (sing little diddy) "Hoing in the garden!" "Hoing in the garden"

-more laughter and other patrons in IHOP are getting upset with us, I gave them dirty looks but we lowered our voices -

Hubby - So, who are your customers? We live to far out in the country for you to have a high clientele. Are people walking through the woods? What's REALLY going on when I'm not home?

Me - DAMN. My secret is out. I have to come clean honey. It's our neighbors. They're animals.

We laughed a bit more and both lit a cigarette. That laughter and time together was better than any cover rumpling we could have done.

Hubby - Getting stressed out are you? What can I do? Do you need me to do anything?

Me - (giving sappy love looks and wanting to rape him in the restaurant) There's nothing you can do that you aren't already doing. I knew it was going to be difficult when you started this shift, but we need the money and it has the added advantage of giving you 2 four day weekends a month. It's not like you're lazy or something. You work 10 to 12 hours a day and you drive an hour one way to work. On your days off you help with the kids and the house. On the days you do work, you get the baby ready in the morning and give him his medicine and pack his bottle bag.

Hubby - You could let me cut the grass. I've been asking you to let me cut it for weeks.

Me - No. It gives me some exercise and I need something physical. Besides, it gives you time with the kids.

PAUSE

Hubby - I love you.

Me - I love you more.

Hubby - nu-uh

Me - uh-huh

Hubby - nu-uh

Me - uh-huh infinity.

Hubby - nu-uh infinity plus one

Me - We are so damn childish.

Hubby - So?