Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Cold Hard Truth

I'm working out in the morning with Dennis Austin doing aerobics. I have also tried pilates and yoga for the first time ever. None of it was pretty. I've been thinking of going running in the mornings but I live down very narrow country roads and I'm afraid I would go squish by some ass-wipe in a jacked up truck with extra big wheels sporting those ridiculous KC lights on a chrome roll over bar with rusted out wheel wells.

As far as the exercise - it feels like I'm back in the military doing PT (physical training) waking up at 5 a fucking clock in the morning to go to muscle failure and torture myself (you can't have all the fun now can you). I don't want a repeat of basic training, so I've been taking it easy, breaking myself back into the routine, to the walking around like an old lady but keeping the benefit of being able to lift my arms to wash my hair (which is a good thing).

In relation to food - you must understand something. I'm anorexic. I'm the only fat anorexic I know, but once anorexic, always anorexic. I never really obsessed about my weight until I joined the military. They had a scale - something I never really got on, and they said I could only weigh so much - and I weighed 4lbs over that when I joined the Army. They sent me to "Fitness" - basically a fat camp and it shamed me. It shamed me to the CORE. The Drill Sergeants were hoovering over us at all times, making sure we weren't eating anything we weren't supposed to and smoked our asses 3-4 times a day (definition of "smoked" - making a subordinate soldier do so much exercise that they would often physically collapse from muscle failure). I stayed there for a bit and finally proceeded to basic training, where I slimmed down considerably but gained more weight from all the muscle. I met the taping requirements with no problems (this is where they get a tape measure - like the one's used for sewing - and measure your neck, wrists, hips...and something else, I forget ((different spots for men))) and they measure your body fat. I moved on to AIT (advanced individual training) and was able to relax a bit, however, I was still not making the height/weight requirement and had to get taped - a stigma of the sloppy female soldier that I DID NOT want, but didn't know how to go about doing what they wanted done.

I met another female soldier, Shay, and she advised me to skip a couple of meals. I took her advice, got off the tape, and was so pleased with my results, I continued to not eat. I'll give you an idea of how much weight I lost - I went from a size 14 to a size 10 in 6 months, most of that size change came in the last 2 months. I moved on to my Permanent Duty station and one of the high ranking section Sergeants made a remark that he didn't think I heard. He said "Why does the Army have to send us FAT females" After that, it was on. I ate about every 3 days or so. I'd have a slice of pizza - a small one and be so full because my stomach had shrunk to half the size of my fist. The only person who had a clue (including my hubby) was the First Sergeant. Why did he know? Because the scales were in his office and I would often sneak in his office to weigh myself - EVERY DAY. He caught me a few times and made a remark that it seemed I had a problem with my weight. I laughed it off and never went back. That left me bereft of scales. I didn't dare have them in my room, some one might become suspicious because I was so thin. I did without - and it didn't do me any favors.

I now had to GUESS how much I weighed. Can you say MENTAL TORTURE???? During this time, I was doing the required PT in the morning and additional PT in the afternoon they also required. Basically, I was running about 8 miles a day or more and working out my abs, my upper body, and any other muscle group I could. When I got to go back to the barracks for the evening, if my room mate was out, I would exercise MORE. Always more. MORE MORE MORE. It was never enough. I couldn't tell how much I weighed. I couldn't take the risk of having a scale. I plummeted to a size 8.

I looked like a walking skeleton. My spine protruded, and it really hurt when we would do sit ups on the concrete at PT. I lost almost all fat stores. It didn't click with me that it shouldn't hurt to sit on cushioned surfaces, or that I looked sick, even when a couple of people commented to me that they thought I looked sick. I chalked it up to them seeing things and continued doing what I was doing. My chain of command was happy. I wasn't another fat female, I did PT with the males and I was Air Assault Qualified (I jumped out of helicopters). My numbers made their numbers look good, I didn't cause to much trouble, and they left me alone.

How did I get this under control?? Well, I didn't really, but when I found out I was pregnant with Lauren, I stopped this cold turkey. The only problem was, I no longer knew how much to eat and it be okay. HOW MUCH WAS THE CORRECT AMOUNT????!!! I didn't have a fuckin clue. I was terrified of not giving her what she needed, so I over ate and gained 100lbs while I was pregnant. I lost all but 30 lbs of that weight (NOT doing the anorexic thing), which was a good weight for me, and gained it all right back with Connor.

I finally went and sat down with a Nutritionist after I got pregnant with Connor. Problem still there, still not fixed, but much, much better. Charles gives me "the eye" if I say I'm not hungry, and I don't want my daughter thinking it's okay not to eat.

Yeah, I have food issues, but hubby keeps his eye on me and I want to live a long long time. I want to grow old with my man and watch him dandle our grandbabies on his knees. I want to be there for Lauren when she needs that shoulder - that mommy shoulder, even when she's 30.

So don't freak out - I'm being good. Charles is helping me do this the right way, again.

Labels: ,

38 Comments:

At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 1:19:00 AM, Blogger kim said...

nikkiiiiiii....you better be good!!
all that is important is that you are healthy !
take a cooking class with charles :)
and stay off that country road young lady !!

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 3:30:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

stay away from the scales and keep feeling healthy... i just love me some denise austin... i don't know why. that type of perkiness usually makes me want to hurl...

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF, NIKKI!

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 7:00:00 AM, Blogger Sayre said...

It's tough, I know. Been there, done that myself (well, not the military part, but the anorexia part). And it IS possible to be a fat anorexic, because you mess up your metabolism so badly when you starve that your body doesn't trust you to feed it properly and holds on to EVERY SINGLE CALORIE you give it. I eat far less than most people. I have a hard time even reaching my calorie goals (usually fall about 500 short) and yet... here I am, middle-aged with an extra 80 lbs hanging off of me.

Exercise and regular eating are key, I believe. It's the regular eating that gets me though. I have to make an effort to eat breakfast. Speaking of which....

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 7:19:00 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Frankly you've just scared the pants off me.

Make sure you're HEALTHY - regular, sensible exercise, and the RIGHT food. Then learn to love yourself at whatever weight you are.

If you're treating your body well, then you'll get the most out of it. Quit with the obsession on pants size. It doesn't matter. What matters is your health - that's it.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 8:03:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Wow, what a story! Thanks for sharing, Nik.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 8:56:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Wow! You have been through alot. It's funny how men never seem to have these issues. I hope you are feeling better about things these days and good for the hubby.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:14:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

great story nikki. please do OLTA safely. do you have a rec near by with an indoor track? most of them cost pennies to use and it would save you from the dangerous country roads. we're all here to support you! (shakes pom-poms)

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:34:00 AM, Blogger Los said...

Anorexia is not a laughing matter. It is a serious problem...almost an epidemic with younger kids who try to emulate these anorexic movie stars and models. I thnk kids need to be educated on this problem more.

This service announcement was brought to you by Los.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:20:00 AM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

This is a great and brave post Nikki! Hang in there - the good way. XOXOXOXO

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:35:00 AM, Blogger Spill The Beans said...

Good for you, Nikki. Those Denise Austin Pilates work well. :) I'm not going to be posting on my weight loss plan on my blog, but my daughter and I are going to be working out and eating healthy.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:36:00 AM, Blogger Spill The Beans said...

By the way, Sayre and others...If you aren't eating and are still not able to lose weight with diet/exercise, you should have your thyroid function tested. Hypothyroidism is a lot more common in women than most of us realize. i have it.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 10:59:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - I am being good. I'm very careful and Charles packs a lunch for me everyday now. LOL No way am I taking a cooking class...they would throw me out! I could burn water. LOL

Kristin - I haven't bought any new scales since I discovered my other one died, I'm not focused like that. Denise Austin is a perky little thing isn't she. I kinda want to smack her. LOL

Sayre - You're not kidding when you say your body saves every single calorie. I really have to pack a lot of nutrition into what I eat, and it is damn hard. I'm like you, I eat a lot less than other people, and I still gain. It's my own fault, I have royaly screwed my metabolism.

Kim - Sorry, my intention was not to frighten you. I'm being very careful about what I eat. These days it's more about portion control for me - not the lack of portions...and I like me. I'm not perfect, but I plan on giving myself a long time to work on it ;)

Attila - your welcome. Go eat cake.

Les - in doing some research on this subject, you'd be amazed how many men have this same problem, we just don't hear about it much.

Nikki - I'm being safe - I'm being good. Don't worry about that - and I'm still going to kick your ass HA!

Los - you're right. It's a terrible problem.

Joy - I'm hanging, no sweat.

Trouble - that's good advise about the thyroid. I've had mine checked b/c I have such a problem getting weight off. Turns out, I've just screwed my metabolism up so badly, I have to work extra hard to get it off.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 1:49:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

Food is like any other addiction. AA, Gambling, drugs...Food is our drug.
I too am a recovering bullimic. I really struggle with the binge and purging all the time. I just want to eat what I want and well I can always puke right??? WRONG..
Let me tell other readers how important it is to give your daughters the RIGHT message. I was 14 when my mom put me on my first diet. WHY? I was the "biggest" one in my class. Why?? I was teased for being "fat" and Ugly w/ braces and glasses. HMMMMM
At age 9 I was OBSSESSED with what size I wore, not because of the teasing from school,but because my Mom and Grandma where on a "diet" and having a contest to see who could lose more weight....(it started so young)
Then in High School my gymnasic coach told me that he wouldn't spot me for "tricks" tumbling moves because he could "hurt" himself...UM I was the one creating the momentum here...So I quit eating "normal" and would only allow myself one apple, 8, 8 oz of water and 4 fishsticks, with a tomato, lettuce and tatar sause everyday for several months. Result? I eventually stopped having a period, I lost massive weight and the coach rewarded me!!! WHY??? What did I learn?? THe Skinner I got the more I was noticed...OH yeah I was working out 4 hours a day on little to no food...
In college I got to the point that I had a stomach Ulcer and tore the flap of my esophigas(sp?) to where now..If I over eat at all I can puke on command. It wasn't until my college RA found me passed out on the bathroom floor and sent me to "student death" and counseling, that I finally saw the WHY and the HOW of my eating disorder...Of course I was freaking out in college as I went from being 5/7 to 5/10 and a b cup to a d cup to what seemed to me overnight!!! SO Yeah I gained weight! Freshman 15 was in height and boobs! LOL ;o)

I am an A type personallity and a control freak...We are more likely to become OBSESSED about anything...We like to know WE are in control....

Please don't be afraid to reach out if you feel that you are becoming TOO over the top wiht this project...I am here for you!
[[hugs]]

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 2:48:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

It is hard to find the right middle ground, I'm guessing. I am glad that you are aware and is set on staying healthy.

I try to eat six small meals a day (supposed to speed up one's metabolism, per experts I've read).

We'll see.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 3:53:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

UGH!!! That shit pisses me off. I am officially pissed off!!! WHY in the name of God do people do this to women? Why do we let them???? I thank God everyday that my husband loves that I'm curvy. I was curvy when we met, I'm in good physical shape but I am not "skinny" by societal standards.

I have a friend and a cousin who were bulemic, it still haunts them. At my worst point in my life I forced myself to throw up after eating what I felt was too much. It scared me, it was like going from smokin' weed to sticking a needle in my arm, I had gone too far.

Nikki - I have never met you but honey, the people that love you and care about you would rather you be a healthy size 12 than an anorexic size 8. Weighing yourself is always a bad idea, the tape measure and your clothes are always a much more accurate gauge as to how much weight you've lost. And girl - skinny does NOT equal healthy.

Stick with the Pilates, it's the shit, seriously, I never lost inches on my thighs until I did Pilates.

Lastly, please, for your childrens sake, get your head right about food, even if it means seeing a therapist. I got all my food issues from my Mom. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, so please don't take it that way. But honestly, even if you don't think your kids are picking up on your food issues, they are, trust me. My biggest fear is passing on my food issues to my kids, which is why I worked extra hard before I got pregnant to get into a healthy food state of mind.

{{{{{big hug}}}}}}

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 4:09:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Super - thanks babe :D

Jeff - I'm trying the 5-6 meals a day thing as well...

Dirty - I would rather be healthy than skinny and not healthy. Yes eating disorders suck ass. I have had a hard time with mine, and judging my my comments here and my flooded email, I am far from alone.

I'm cheering for all of you out there.

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 6:31:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

Going to a nutritionist was a good choice. I too used to eat little and work out a lot and not lose weight. It wasn't until I learned what my body needed and what worked best for MY body that I started losing weight.

Understanding how your body works and how food factors into that process really opened my eyes to the damage I was doing to my body by not eating properly.

I can't diet with you but I can certainly cheer you on. And NO you are not alone. :)

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 7:50:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I'll commet about your Cold Hard Truth a bit later...
Had something I had to share with you... Dear Sweet Nikki...
My daughter was reading over my shoulder...(unbeknownst to me) and asked why would she want everybody to bite her ass wouldn't it hurt???
I could not stop laughing...
Ahhh Honey that is a future auntie out there that shares a twisted sense of humour with your mom...
Ohhh!
Go Girl!

 
At Wednesday, August 16, 2006 11:30:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Nikkii...what can i say? Here's to you eating healthy!!!

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 12:07:00 AM, Blogger ~d said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 12:31:00 AM, Blogger ~d said...

I couldnt do it. I cropped and I colored and I cropped and I just do not have the courage to put my butt up there. Please forgive me.
Great, great start on your diet! GO! GO! GO!

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 1:10:00 AM, Blogger Sven said...

"So don't freak out - I'm being good. Charles is helping me do this the right way, again."

Good for you, and him.

Someone close to me has danced to a similar tune and I can only pray that she has finally healed.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 1:21:00 AM, Blogger wreckless said...

I agree with Kim-be good to yourself!!! I am glad you have someone to help you out. I really feel bad for what you are going through, but know that you will prevail! As opposed to Kim however-go running it is the best way to get in shape and loose pounds. You will be an attraction to those pick up truckers!

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 8:08:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Nik I feel for you. I have heard that type of story from a couple of women that I know, that were in the Military. The pressure to conform to the Military system is so huge that people do anything to fit in.

It sounds like your on track and headed in the right direction.

(((high five))) on sticking with the Denise Austin tape. We have one of hers at home. Pretty hot Chicka. :) Denise also!

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 8:56:00 AM, Blogger Anna said...

Wow Nikki...

You deserve some serious respect for getting through that, recognising the problem and doing something about it.

A lot of people in that situation don't come out the other side.

*salutes*

I've always been "bigger", since I was maybe 8 - I never ate vegetables as a kid so I filled up on bread and potatoes, and never managed to get rid of all the puppy fat.

I was bullied at school because of my weight (and other things - my hair, my glasses, my smart-ass brain), and ended up convinced that no-one wold ever like me or be attracted to me. I still think I look hideous now and anyone who says otherwise is just lying to me to make me feel better because they feel sorry for me.

And that leads me into the mindset of thinking "sod it, I'd still be ugly even if I was thin so I might as well eat this cake and enjoy the moment" then I feel bad that I've eaten it so I eat more to make me feel better.

Like you, I can't tell how much I should eat. I have no concept of when to stop, and I always feel like I could eat something. Guess me and food have an unhealthy relationship.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 9:31:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

See you went and posted a heartfelt story again and I can't give it a smart ass comment. Hmmp.

You better take care of yourself or I will round up the gang (kim, super, becka, etc.) and we'll come get your sorry ass and force feed you ourselves! I don't have the time for a road trip so... *stern glare*

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 9:40:00 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Nikki,
I am back and now can comment on your heart wrenching post without my youngin' looking over my shoulder...
That is one hell of a story...
Anorexia is such a scary state...
I am so glad that you have a watchful eye...
And I think maybe through your post we can help cheer you along the way with moral support...

I remember about 12 years ago I met this woman... We were JUST getting to know each other... And we were having a ladies lunch...
and I had noticed that she has lost a lot of weight but said nothing as she did not mention a diet or anything along those lines...

And then at the end of lunch she was getting up to use the washroom... I looked at her as she was getting up and said'You're not going to throw up the meal I just bought are you?'
She just stopped... I could not believe it came out of my mouth...
And then she sat down and cried...
Glad to say, we are very good friends today...It started at that lunch...
and WE... We... got help for her...
It was one very long battle with bulimia... and anorexia... but she is healthy for ten years...
No one noticed it before me? I do not know... Too much obsession goes into diet... not enough goes into health...
It sounds like you have a great deal of checks and balances at your end...
and I am here,as well as the rest of your blogger fans to cheer you on...

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 10:54:00 AM, Anonymous melissa b. said...

Great post, Nikki! Just love yourself the best you can and we'll all be here rooting for you.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 5:21:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

*big, big sigh*

I'm proud of you...keep being good, okay? I know you're a loved woman, because I love you over the inter-fucking-net, I can only imagine how much Charles, your children and the rest of your family and friends feel...

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 5:56:00 PM, Blogger parnellpr said...

Nikki- you are brave for writing this. Do the american military hate women? Didn't they realise that you would have lost the miniscule amount of weight in like a week in basic training? If they'd just stopped a second to think then maybe you wouldn't be where you are. And of course it's possible to be a fat anorexic, when you think about it it' s not really an oxymoron is it? Keep going and don't let the bad guys get you. Oh yeah, like kristin, stay away from the scales. In fact if you have any, maybe think about getting rid of them, or just getting weighed by a nurse once a month. Pippa

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 6:40:00 PM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Euugh. You had it rough. I hope the assholes who put you through that get their just desserts.

I showed your post to a visitor and this was his response:

'I am like, sooooooo glad I never joined the army, yeah? I mean, that's, like totally f**king OUTRAGEOUS behaviour. How can you, like, jump out of a helicopter without any padding, yeah? I would go, like, totally f**king APE if I saw someone doin that! The girl should have, like, gone AWOL and headed for the nearest McD's for a quarta pounda. It was right irresponsible behaviour. You know what I'm sayin, aye?'

At this point I ejected my visitor ( a young offender on day release) from the institute on the grounds that I was about to have my monthly colonic administered by Ravel.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 7:18:00 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

Wow! Denise Austin was one of my favorite workout shows when I was in high school. I have a pilates DVD with her now. But I only did it a couple of times. That junk is hard! I prefer running and doing the elliptical trainer at the gym. Of course, that only works when you actually go there!

Go have some grilled cheese with fries. Maybe a strawberry milkshake too!

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 7:21:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Soory for the delay in responding but Super Baby seems to have caught a stomach bug or something - he's doing much better.

Dirty - the nutritionist that I saw really opened my eyes. I'm glad I went and saw her.

Pendullum - LMAO! That is sooo funny. I hope the conversation didn't lead to anything unpleasant.

I'm very glad you're friend is okay. Sounds like you were just what she needed at just the right time.

Me - *toasts her with a pear*

~d - thanks

Sven - I'll be praying for her as well.

Wreckless - I'm being good to myself. I allow myself treats like...beating my hubby on a weekly basis (snicker) nothing like his screams of pain to make me feel all better. (snicker)

Rain Man - (blushes, but returns high five)

Anna - you're in a vicious cycle as well. Be careful.

Christina - *cowers* Yes MAM!

Melissa - No rooting for the other Nikki now...she's sucks! LOL

Kevin - love ya too. I think your the fucking bomb.

Pippa - No, the military doesn't hate women. I do not want to give that impression AT ALL. I really feel that joining the military is one of the best things I ever did with myself in relation to learning to be the best that I can be (sorry to sound like an old Army commercial - but it's true).

Some females in the military are notorious for being LAZY, they ride profile (going to the Dr pretending there is something wrong with them and having the Dr write out a form advising against physical exercise), they whine when it's their monthly time, they can't do this they can't do that. I admit that even I hated to see another female come into my unit b/c I knew I was going to get stuck doing her work (most of the time), they are often drama queens and well...to be blunt...whores, sleeping with just about anybody. (please keep in mind that I don't give a shit who you sleep with, but if you're pulling trains in the barracks, or you sleep with the entire unit football team, you're a whore - and I've had both of these things happen with females in my unit, we won't go into all the other crap)
These same females are often fat, so being over weight often got you stuck with that same stigma, even if you weren't like that at all.

I didn't want that. I wanted to be a good soldier, that hard hooah hooah soldier, and earn the respect of my peers, and that's what I did. It's sad that's the way that it is, but that's the reality.

I did learn self love - even though some might dispute that with my anorexia. To me anorexia is just about weight, not about loving who I am on the inside. I like me, I love me. The military also taught me a lot of self discipline and respect and integrity and many other things, not all of them pleasant and/or good.

My purpose is not to malign or slander the military in any way, like I said, it's one of the best things I ever did with myself, but it's definately not for everyone.

My difficulty is simply not going back to something that - I hate to say it - worked so well for me, but like I said, I'm doing better, hubby is helpin out and constantly quizzes me on what I ate today. LOL

...and no, none of you can have him. LOL

Dr Joe - Sounds like a stint in the military would have done him some good.

 
At Thursday, August 17, 2006 7:23:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mama C - did you say you wanted a TACO??? LOL

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 8:17:00 AM, Blogger 34quinn said...

HI nikki,

first just to say my blog is all messed up I kept comming back here and it was still on your posting with the pictures I thought you hadn't written a new post since then. I have that on my own blog right now dunno what is wrong with my computer its not updating.

NOw, my goodness you have been through alot, I knew you were a tough cookie but wow. I am glad too that you are going about this so sensibly. You do not need to have such problems again. you have so much support here as well as at home we shall do our best to keep you and everyone else doing this healthy.

Now I have to figure out what is wrong with this computer it is probably not just your page and mine doing this I may have missed a whole pile of postings and not even known.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 9:49:00 AM, Blogger Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

oh wow, what an amazing story. so glad you came out of that. and with pregnancy, what an amazing thing to do for your child --to just find the strength to stop like that cold turkey. I know what weight obsession feels like. I hope you keep on this healthy trend.

Lisa

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 9:59:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

I love Yoga. It really helps you stay centered.

But I don't like the idea of you running on a dark, lonely dirt road somewhere. I don't want to see you on an episode of Forensic Files.

Power walking is one of the best aerobic exercises you can do. It's low-impact and won't strain your muscles and joints the way running can.

Good luck with it all!

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 9:51:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

hey, i'm sorry that you had all that angst/mean people/fear/hunger/i don't know what to call it. what absolute shite that you as you fantastically, wonderfully, honestly are was not good enough for them. i say we mock their penises and inform them they are going bald. or we could tell them that every woman (or man, hell) they've ever been with was faking it. or we could just go eat fresh strawberries and chocolate. i'll bring the wine. ;)

at least you honestly know what size your skeleton is. i say mine's a 10-12. some how it makes the padding seem less to know that i physically can't be a 2 anyhow.

 

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