Friday, August 18, 2006

Just Another Day In Paradise

MA MA! MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!

I looked down and there was my cute little man, arms stretched high, wanting me to pick him up.

He's feeling kinda puny so I walk over and pick him up, give him a snuggle. He puts his head on my shoulder and pets my arm - like a dog.

He sits up, looks at me, and pukes warm, chunky, wetness down my front. It runs down my shirt, in my bra, down my stomach, down my legs and pools at my feet.

"Lauren honey, get me a towel NOW please. Connor just threw up." Connor starts to cry.

"What Mom?"

"Get me a towel please."

She brings me a dish cloth. "No honey, I need a towel." She runs over with a snow white, relatively new towel. "No Lauren, I need an old ragged towel, please hurry" Connor stops crying and puts his head on my shoulder, the one not covered in vomit, and pets my arm. "Ma Ma. MAMAMA" more arm petting and a kiss on my shoulder.

The smell of vomit is starting to get to me, and now the wet warmness is turning to wet coolness and I can feel chunks of something in my bra - and it has nothing at all to do with what God gave me to put in it. I was still in my work clothes - a new white shirt.

Lauren arrives with an old towel and runs like hell for the other side of the house holding her nose. I semi-spread out the towel on the floor and stand on it, at least we were in the kitchen and not on the carpet.

"Lauren, please, could you get me another one?"

A look of horror fills her face.

"Lauren, I need another towel please and I don't want to get this on the carpet. Please get me another towel." I'm starting to get upset. I'm the one that got thrown up on after all and she's horrified I want her to bring me another towel.

She comes back with another old towel, pinching her nose for all she's worth with her thumb and forefinger, the rest of her fingers are curled claw like and digging in her face. She's pinching her nose so hard, the tip has turned fire engine red, like she's trying to rip it off. I roll my eyes at her.

I put Connor down on the towel on the floor and strip him, laying his clothes beside him, throw the diaper away, and dry him off. He lets me know what he thinks of this idea by showing me his tonsils and testing the highest note he can hit. I strip as well, down to my birthday suit, some of the vomit had gotten on my underwear somehow and I gag. I dry off and bundle the clothes in the second towel, pick up Connor and head for the washing machine, leaving the other towel on the floor until I can scrub it.

Next I head for diaper station, no need to tempt fate for additional ickyness.

"Lauren, could you please unplug the fryer? I don't want the food to burn" I laid Connor down and he knows what I'm getting ready to do. He protests and it hurts my ears. I get a better view of his tonsils.

"Mom, you're naked"

"Yes Sweetie, I know. Please unplug the frier."

Lauren unplugs the frier and stands watching me. I wipe Connor down with a few hundred wipes, no time to give a bath now, I'm cooking dinner.

Freshly diapered, fresh long shirt, Connor is happy - for now. "Keep an eye on him please Sweets, I need to put some clothes on." She looks at me in that "Mom has lost her mind" kind of way - she's not used to seeing me stroll around the house naked and is scared that Connor will hurl on her. "He'll be fine Sweetie" I say, and hope it's true. I don't want to find out if Lauren is a sympathy puker tonight.

I go wash quickly in the sink, get dressed and head back out to the short people. Connor is sitting in the bean bag with Lauren reading him a book. I plug the frier back in. I hope the squash is okay. Fried squash is a pain in the ass to fix, it takes so long, I damn sure don't want to have to redo it.

Connor walks over to me and throws his juice cup at my feet. If I didn't know better, I would think he was offering me some. HA! He looks at me, he looks at the cup, he looks back at me. I can just see the words in his face "What the hell is taking so long mom? Fix me some juice already." He's so full of charm, even at this young age.

I give him some Pedialite, he's had loose stools all day. He throws the cup down at my feet again. I look at him, he looks at me, and goes back to Lauren with another book in his hand, leaving the pedialite at my feet. That boy is his daddy through and through. I wish he liked popcicles.

I put the chicken in the oven and get the vegetables ready for steaming and scrub the floor.

Charles arrives home just in time for dinner. I hand him the baby as soon as he walks in the door. "Please give him a bath, I need to shower and then we can eat."

Charles kisses me on top of the head and asks one of those questions that only smart people can "Bad day?" "Can't you tell by my freshness?" I say.

Baby all fresh and clean, Mommy all fresh and clean, we arrive in the living room together. Lauren is asleep on the couch.

"You know that you get to stay home with him tomorrow don't you." I say.

"Just another day in Paradise baby." he smirks.

Yeah, lets see if he says that when a diaper explodes and the baby pukes all at the same time. I'll make the appropriate noises over the phone, and hang up, glad that's not me.

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32 Comments:

At Friday, August 18, 2006 10:49:00 AM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Oh Nikki, how well you describe the joys of parenting. I have so many pictures in my head now, none of which are pleasant.

Dolores is a well known sympathy puker, so be grateful she wasn't around at the time. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't have much of a sense of smell. Not many people know this but my career in parasitology started in a garage full of dog poo collected from a playing field. I was doing a student project designed to map the locations of poo samples containing worms. Other students stood at the door of the garage unable to come forward whilst I happily sifted through dozens of samples with nothing more than a wooden spatula. I didn't find any worms.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 10:56:00 AM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

What a "beautiful" description of a parent's life! I'm just SO happy at the moment that "Smell-O-Blog" doesn't exist! Thank Good for little favors!!!

"...I can feel chunks of something in my bra - and it has nothing at all to do with what God gave me to put in it." - just LOL when I read than phrase - good one!

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 11:19:00 AM, Blogger kim said...

ewwwww nikki ...chunkys in the bra is never a good thing!!
gotta love that charles ... he doesnt seem to be ruffled by much :)

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 11:37:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

sorry hun about connor. nothing sucks more than a puking kid. give me a cold any day! hope he feels better soon and you don't get puked on any more.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 11:39:00 AM, Blogger Spill The Beans said...

You know, that's the one part of parenting that I just can't stand, when the kids puke. It's everything I can do to keep from puking myself. It just kills me...the smell, the mess, the grossness, the everything. Gah. Good job of keeping your cool.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 12:00:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Yuck...
Nothing worse than that...

Except... when you get all clean...
and are snuggled up in bed...
and you kid walks in an says... 'Momma, momma???I don't fee (hurl)eeel so good...'
and you and your mate,(who is oddly sound asleep) are doused,doused in vomit...

Hope Charles has another day in paradise...

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 2:06:00 PM, Blogger Elle*Bee said...

awwww, hope the little guy is feeling better.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 2:15:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Dr Joe - Thanks for the poo story. It really rounds out my vomit story quit well. LOL

Stinky - Smell-O-Blog LOL

Kim - No, Charles is a hard one to ruffle. NO doubt.

Nikki - Thanks, but don't worry, Daddy has little man today and I am chunk free. LOL

Trouble - I normally can't handle it either. I usually dry heave at just the smell, but for some reason I didn't. Maybe because Charles wasn't there to clean it for me?

Pendullum - LOL That has happened to me before. It was terrible!!!

Elle - me too! He's got a Dr's appt today...as a matter of fact, he should be at the Dr's now.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 2:55:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My teenage brother once made my 5 year old throw up just to see if it was true that she couldn't stand the sight of spit. Instead of puking on the livingroom floor she came running to me and proceeded to throw up strawberry milk and taco pizza down the front of me. My brother is lucky he made it to adulthood. You definately have my sympathy. Hope the little guy feels better.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 3:38:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Chunks are the worst.

I was pretty sick when I was pregnant with my now 5 y/o, and to this day my 9 y/o panics every time she hears me cough in the bathroom because she thinks puking is imminent.

Hope superbaby feels better soon and that you have a chunk-free weekend.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 4:11:00 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

((((HUGS))))

This is why I only buy clothes from Target right now. CHEAP and puke-able!

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 4:49:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

I feel like such a voyeur! It is like I was looking in your window - except I probably would have ran in and given you a towel quite quickly.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 4:56:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

I would have been no help and I am definatly a sympathy puker!
I am a pussy when it comes to my nieces puking or even the poo poo after my sister stopped breast feeding (EWWWWWWWWW)...I really had to learn the breath from my mouth technique....

I love how calm you where...I would have been FREAKING out.... poor little guy. Hope he feels better!
{{{HUGS}}}

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 5:07:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Anon - Welcome! I can't believe you let your brother live! LOL
...and taco pizza, I love that stuff - but not like that. LOL

Misha - LMAO I had bad morning sickness with super baby too but Lauren would just casually leave the room and announce "Mom puking again!"

Joy - I get mine at BJ's Wholesale - 2 outfits for 10 bucks, you can't beat it.

Jeff - You big peeper you. LOL I would have appreciated quicker action on the towel though.

Super - Normally, I can't hang, but I couldn't do anything but just take it easy. There was only me and the kids. I can't let them see me freak out or they freak out.

It's not good to have a baby that just puked and then watch him freak because you're freaking. LOL

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 9:08:00 PM, Blogger factor 10 said...

You know that someone told Sayre that the smell of vomit killed their appetite. Just a helpful weight loss tip from your Poetry subject :D
(sorry about your kiddo, though, hope he feels better)

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 9:49:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

Yeah - that was our voyeur Jeff...
Whatever works for ya!

My son was a champion vomiter. Only his was always chunky, pink and slimey. He had bad nasal alergies and before he learned to blow his nose, he swallowed the stuff. When he was sick, it was worse and apparently that doesn't digest well. So after a few rounds of antibiotic (pink stuff) and he would feel better enough to eat (chunks), everything would come back up together (ugh!).

And holding your child closer because he needs you, in spite of the stench and goo, is what makes you a parent...

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 10:04:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

yes, hello, i have returned back to earth and have been catching up on commenting to your posts. yeah, i know you so totally missed me.

this is one of those perfect instances when naked is definately not nekk'd. ew.

you know, when i was a kiddette and we were driving on a mountain road i urped all over the car. mom became so angrily upset not becasue i got puke in the car or anything, but becasue i wasted her dwindling supply of milk. apparently i do not come from a family of sympathy-pukers either.

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 10:27:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

And that is a classic example of good parenting.....no panic, no crazy, just deal with it as it comes...

Nice job...

 
At Friday, August 18, 2006 11:41:00 PM, Blogger JennyJinx said...

Oh, yes, the fun-fun-fun of puking children. Nothing says "I love you, Mommy" like chunky vomit. I hope the little guy feels better now.:)

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 8:11:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Very well-written. Kept my attention the entire time. Looks like you have a future in writing. Perhaps you should submit this story to Reader's Digest.

Lol.

Ya' know, reading about someone puking right after I've eaten isn't what I hoped for. I hope everyone is getting better and/or staying well in your household!

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 9:05:00 AM, Blogger Arthur Quiller Couch said...

This could be morphed into a Durex commercial.

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 10:38:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Factor - It definately killed the 'ol appetite. But I don't wanna sniff it just because.

Sayre - yeah, I love being a mommy (said without sarcasm)

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 2:17:00 PM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

Ugh, that always happens to me: shit, puke, a dramatic daughter, dinner burning away...and Dave walks through the door AFTER I've got everything cleaned up and relatively under control.

Hope your wee one is feeling better today.

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 9:23:00 PM, Blogger Shrig said...

Nikki, I think I'm going to ------>BLAH!!!<-------

Sorry, I couldn't help it. ;)
Hope he's feeling better soon.
Have a puke free weekend.

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 9:38:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kat - I figured you were out rounding people up for confession. LOL

Carm - thanks - but next time if you want to do it instead of me, please let me know, and I'll point Connor in your direction. LOL - you have clean up detail. LOL

Jenny - He's fine. Keeping everything down and the diapers aren't scarry any more. LOL

Blair - Thanks! I mean that...and we're all fine. Little Dude is wrestling with his daddy as we speak.

Arthur - Welcome - I have no idea what that is, but I guess it's something to do with upset stomach? If that's the case - I'm sure they'd edit the part about the both of us going around the house naked. LOL

Mama - the husbands do have a wonderful sense of timing don't they? It just KILLS me sometimesLOL

Shrig - YOU ARE JUST WRONG! LOL

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 8:53:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

I was waiting for this to come to a different conclusion---naked woman, frier full of splattery hot oil....

Hubby walks in with a co-worker or two...

Nothing good could come of that!

Glad it worked out in the end!

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 5:32:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Thanks to Mom, I snorked my coffee right through my nose when she mentioned naked woman and hubby bringing someone home from work! Let me take that one extra step and make that man the same man whom Nikki told was hot!

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 9:05:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - LOL Thank GOD that didn't happen! OUCH!!!!

Blair - shame on you for laughing (okay, I'm laughing too)

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 3:56:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

ROFLMAO - not at the vomit in your underwear, but because I can still laugh at this shit for another 6 weeks.

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:05:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Dirty - LOL. You'll become immune to baby vomit.

Once they start table food....it's a whole new ball game - from the top and bottom.

 
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