Saturday, August 19, 2006

Well Damn

I'm a very happily married woman. I love my hubby deeply, but I enjoy looking. Why? Because I'm human that's why. I'm not dead. There's nothing wrong with looking at the menu as long as I don't order anything, and to be honest, it's a rare day when any man makes me take an extra long look, I'm just picky like that.

Every once in a blue moon,I see a man and think to myself "WOW. Must have a little pinky to be such a fine man." But I have been known to occasionally act like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy".

I'm sure if it were someone else doing this crap I'd laugh...okay, I laugh too, I can't help it. Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth sometimes is so damn embarrassing, I can't help but to crack up while turning so red in the face, I look purple.

Classic example:

A couple of months ago, I had a client come in my office. My first thought was "WOW! You are one FINE man. Please don't be stupid and ruin it." Well, he wasn't stupid. I could only trip over my words and look like a dumbass. He came back after a couple of weeks - with no appointment, so I was unprepared for his visit. I had no time to "Psych myself up". I walked into the lobby to meet an unknown client asking for me and it was him.

His shirt clinging to his chest and hair spiked with sweat, shorts, and I'm prepared to swear in a court of law that he wasn't wearing underwear, or he stuffs his Haines. He looked at me and I looked at him and the first thing that popped into my head is what came out of my mouth. "You look HOT." I wish I could say that it was said innocently, but I oh so cleverly included hand gestures while nodding my head in a way that made it unmistakable what I meant. A far cry from the usual hand shake and mundane greeting of "Mr So-and-so, it's good to see you." don't you think?

Oh yeah, I was embarrassed as hell. My eyes immediately bugged out of my head, I gasped, and my hands flew up to cover my face 'cause I could already feel the burn in my cheeks. The burn spread ALL OVER my face - even my chin (has you CHIN ever blushed?) and I doubled over and laughed hysterically while fumbling for the words to try and explain.

From behind my hands I tried to talk to him. "I mean, you look like you've been working out. NO!! I mean that you look really sweaty. NO! OH GOD NO!! I meant that your shirt is sticking to you and... OH MY GOD!!!!! NOT LIKE THAT! NOT LIKE THAT!!! I only meant that - OH GOD!!!!!!" I was to embarrassed to go on.

I was still bent double and all of the sudden realized that I had a rather low cut blouse on that day - modest enough when I was standing up straight, but I wasn't standing up straight was I? He was getting a show while I talked about how hot he looked. (Now THAT's professionalism at it's best right there. Don't deny it.)

I stood up so quickly it must have looked like I was having a seizure.

I tried to regain my composure. I took my hands down from my face, put the death grip on my pants to keep them there, looked him square in the neck - and apologized in a most professional manner while my face glowed a lovely deep purple. I must have looked like some sort of weird bug.

"Mr. So-and-so. I am terribly sorry for any misunderstanding. It was not my intention to offend you in any way, shape, form or fashion. I apologize profusely for my unprofessional behavior and can only hope that you will except my apology."

He graciously accepted my apology - all the while grinning like the cat who ate the canary and ribbed me endlessly the whole time he was in my office. When he left he said "I'll tell my wife you said 'Hello'"

Greaaaaat. I'm looking forward to that call....or visit.

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34 Comments:

At Saturday, August 19, 2006 10:17:00 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

You know he lapped that up like a kitten at a saucer!

 
At Saturday, August 19, 2006 11:20:00 PM, Blogger Sayre said...

That was probably the best thing that's happened to him all year.

I'd say forget about it!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 12:22:00 AM, Blogger MQ said...

OHHHH MYYYYY GGGOOOOOSH! That is the funniest story ever. I'm sorry, I just lost it at "I'm prepared to swear in a court of law that he wasn't wearing underwear, or he stuffs his Haines"

Anyway, you know he loved it and is probably relaying the story on his blog as we speak :)

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 1:22:00 AM, Blogger Stinkypaw said...

I would have paid money to see this!!!

It must have been "priceless" for anyone watching!!! Was there anyone around? Please tell me there was!!!

BTW, I do the same thing regularly. I'll say something and then turn so red that I glow in the dark! I "know" that feeling!

Great story!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 3:08:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

awww. i think i'm the opposite. in high school i was sharing a couch with a guy friend ( didn't really like him so i don't know why) and told him that he was hot. he said "thanks, i think you are, too." then i had to try and explain that i meant temperature-wise and he did, indeed, have a feaver.

you're not dead, you know. hell, i wish more guys turned me on. that would be nice. in the meantime i have a too-successful censor button. bah.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 3:47:00 AM, Blogger Dr Joseph McCrumble said...

Hilarious!

Every time I read one of your posts I get a tingling of pleasure up and down my spine.

Has this happened before?

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 3:54:00 AM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

LOL. You crack me up, Lady!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 6:25:00 AM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

LMAO! Did you really tell him straight to his face that he was hot?! The most I would do is just drool, lol. At least you laughed at yourself. I would have run to the nearest corner and tried to hide.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 6:26:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Joy - yeah, he was lapping it up. He had the biggest smile on his face the whole time. It was so embaressing! It was so hard to concentrate on the business at hand while I was trying not to notice his even white teeth. LOL

Sayre - I wish I could forget about it, but I'm still blushing.

MQ - I'm fairly sure he doesn't keep a blog. He does however work for out local newspaper. I've been keeping an eye on the humor section.

Stinky - That will be $10 bucks, just for the story. LOL ..and thank goodness that no one else was there, the people in my office would never have let me live it down. LOL

Kat - LOL Poor guy. He was probably on a high for the compliment he thought you just gave him. LOL

Dr Joe - you wouldn't be ribbing me a bit would you Dr? LOL ..and mums the word on if it's ever happened before LOL

Les - LOL Glad you enjoyed.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 6:28:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Blair - yep, I told the man he was hot - I'm smooth like that. LOL Normally, I just drool too! I don't know what in the hell came over me. LOL Must have been his Haines. LOL

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 8:50:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

But did he catch you looking at his Haines? LOL

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 12:24:00 PM, Blogger Brandi said...

OMG!!!! That was soooo funny. Every great once in awhile I'll catch myself thinking something like that, but I've NEVER said it to them! LOL!
You are too hilarious!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 1:14:00 PM, Blogger Mama C said...

Guys get off on that kind of stuff. But you're right, his wife probably is going to hunt you down, or at the very least call you a bitch behind your back. Or to your face, who knows? Great story! I laughed and almost woke up the kids on the other side of the house!

I'm also pretty picky. The hubs and I each have a list of celebs that we would leave each other for. We're only allowed five, and I still can only come up with two or three. That's how picky I am!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 1:29:00 PM, Blogger factor 10 said...

At work I made the mistake of telling them I thought the UPS Driver was adorable. Now they all scatter every time he comes in so I'm left to stammer and blush my way through explanations of why nobody will sign for him. I begin to think I should just tell him to spoil their fun. But I'll be beet red forever after when he comes in.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 3:46:00 PM, Blogger Annie Drogynous said...

Damn girl! I think this dieting may have caused your brain to atrophy a bit, lol.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 3:55:00 PM, Blogger Los said...

Now THAT was really funny! I especially liked how you kept trying to correct yourself ... classic!

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 6:50:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Bwahahahahhahaha.

You made men talking to a woman with a large rack look rather intellegent there missy.....

Of course, guys will(as he did) grin like a cat and walk witha strut, unlike if a guy did that to a woman, who would have of course, press sexual harrassment charges against him.....

Although I have used that same line of "I'm married, not dead" to look at the menu......

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 7:08:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - I don't think so...at least, I hope not. LOL

Brandi - what can I say? I'm a smoooooth mofo. LOL

Mama C - That's exactly how picky I am as well. This guy took me totally unaware. If his wife does call me a bitch to my face, or behind my back, it won't be the first time for each, she just needs to be ready for me if I catch her.

I've come to realize that looking is no big deal if a woman checks my man out. I just grin at them and put my arm around him. I stake my claim without being shitty about it and I've had more than one woman smile back and nod her head in understanding. No hard feelings. I understand that she's enjoying the view, and she understands he's mine. No problem.

If this same thing happened to Charles, I think initially I'd be a bit upset, cause it does cross the line, but I would more than likely laugh b/c of the back tracking and the color of my face. LOL

Factor - HAHA! I'd leave too! Shit, I'd probably peak around the corner to see you stutter and blush. LOL

Blair - unfortunately, this happened before the diet. LOL The only thing I can claim here is idiocy. LOL

Los - It's one of those moments that is so embarrasing, I'll remember it on my death bed. LOL

Carm - there is a big difference here between me checking this guy out and men checking out a woman with a rack - okay not really, but at least I didn't talk to his crotch.

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 8:05:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said...

Absoloutly classic! Sounds like something I would do . . .but I wouldn't have apologised ;)

 
At Sunday, August 20, 2006 10:53:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Stop the excuses. There's no difference, especially since you nodded your head and used hand gestures.....

Welcome to the male species side of the plate dear.....

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 8:02:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Yeah all us "Hot" guys have the same thing happen to us on a daily basis. We realize that all you blog Mommies spend way to much time in front of the computer and just dont know what to say when we show up unannounced.

Its ok Nikki, I understand

:)

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 8:02:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Funny shit btw

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 8:10:00 AM, Blogger Panacea said...

WOW! You are one FINE man. Please don't be stupid and ruin it. I think I've lost count to the number of times I've said that to myself.

That was hilarious, by the way :)

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 12:00:00 PM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Oh Nikki...
That was priceless...
especially when he ends it with'i'll tell my wife you said hello'
I bet he ran out in the parking lot and called her from his cellphone...
He was probably feeling petty hot...

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 3:05:00 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I've never been on the receiving end of that kind of treatment, which is a real shame. I've always had to rely on my personality

 
At Monday, August 21, 2006 7:10:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

AAAHHH!!! LMFAO!!! You ass. That was classic, made me BURST out laughing. Loved it. whew...thanks.

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 8:49:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Sam - I definately had to apologize! GAH! I felt like such a dumb ass. I don't do shit like that.

Carm - "welcome to the male species side of the plate" - does that mean I'm going to grow...er...an uh.....dangely bits? LOL

Rain - thank you for understanding hon. LOL

Pan - I hate a man that looks good on the outside and is just dumb as a door nail.

Pend - you know, I didn't even think about him going to his car and calling his wife from his cell...he probably did. Damn.

Kim - Personality is what I'm normally attracted to, and I think that's the same with most women. I really do feel like an ass for doing that, but it's so funny, I just had to post it.

Kevin - LOL glad you enjoyed - yes, I'm an ass - good call there LOL

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 10:08:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Ho, next time get out the camera phone for god sake! You have a duty to your loyal ~ahem~ readers.

Bitch.

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:03:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Christina - bigger ho than me. PTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yeah, I can just see me now.

"Uh, Mr Hot client guy, can you hold still for just a sec? I want to post a picture of you on my blog so I can further expound on your hotness."

Pause

"Why yes, I'll be happy kiss your ass"

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 5:57:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

That was just priceless. In fact, it made me have to cover my laughter with a fake cough here in the office.
LMAO!!!

 
At Tuesday, August 22, 2006 7:48:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

You already have dangly bits dear....just in different spots.

 
At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 1:06:00 AM, Blogger heartinsanfrancisco said...

Hilarious story!! I think if he tells his wife (or rather, WHEN he does,) she will give him the best damn evening of his life. They owe you big-time, so to speak. You're a gem.

 
At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 8:57:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mel - I'm still cringing and laughing. LOL

Carm - True.

Hearts - I certainly hope so. I don't want to lose my job just b/c some jealous chick decides to start a fight. (meow)

 
At Wednesday, August 23, 2006 12:16:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Hey it works for me! Give your homies some eye candy. Take one for the team. *laughing*

 

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