Saturday, January 20, 2007

Out With The Girls

I just got back from a ladies party...you know what I'm talking about....where a group of women (no men allowed) all sit around and talk shit, make bad jokes, and discuss sex and talk about their man's staying power...or lack there of (snerk..chuckle..giggle)and buy....uh...marital aids (blush).

This is only the second one I've been too and I have had a really good time at both of them. Women are really funny when it comes to sex. I have heard some stories at these parties that have made my jaw drop and some that have made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. You could blame all the silliness on the alcohol or you could blame it on.....ummm...never mind....blame it on the alcohol.

Well, I learned the last time I went to a party, to make sure you dress NICELY...women can be very critical....and to make sure you SHAVE YOUR LEGS....and NOOOOO, I'm not going to tell you why.

So, I shaved and showered like a good girl. Did my hair, and my make up and went a made the dip I promised I'd bring (one 8oz cream cheese softened, one 8oz sour cream, put in mixer, mix until creamy, add one packet of taco seasoning. I use old el paso myself - it's always a big hit. Top with cubed tomatoes and green onions), and stuffed it in the refrigerator. Then I went and got dressed.

I had pulled a pair of jeans out of the back of the closet that I hadn't worn in a while and had forgotten about, and a nice purple sweater that seems to keep me at just the right temperature, and is casual and slightly dressy - and better yet, it comes down far enough to hide my hips but still shows a little ass. To finish, I slipped on some casual dress shoes (my shoe of choice) and beat feet to the party.

I was feeling pretty good. I felt like I looked pretty good and I was desperately in need of a night out with the girls (something I haven't had in many, many moons)...and I was on a high...just a feel good, be free for one night high. I damn near busted the speakers and strained a vocal cord on the way over to Old Friends house.

The evening progressed and we were shown various items and smelled stuff in bottles and were shown books and games and a whole bunch of other stuff that set a bunch of half drunk grown women with children - some of them married 15 years or more - tittering like school girls in sex education class in high school. We had all had a great time....

...and then it happened. That moment of keen embarassment....that OH SHIT moment....moments that are becoming more frequent to me the older I get.

I was sitting in the corner in a chair - in full view of the room, holding product samples on Q-tips... samples that are meant to go...uh well...uh...you know...down there......and then my fly burst open. No shit. My fly burst open.

Now, you could say that it was a sign that I needed to buy those products.

You could say that I had gotten to fat for my pants....I'm sure you, dear reader, could say a lot of things...what you couldn't say however, was that I was in a good position at that point...no pun intended.

Luckily, my sweater was covering my fly - remember I told you it was a little long...and it's a damn good thing.

I was sitting there with the samples in my hand, my fly wide open, and THEN the "Romance Enhancement Specialist" (aka the sales lady) pulls out a double sided dildo and announces we are going to play a game with it.

Oh SSSHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTT.

As I was desperately trying to figure out a way out of this situation, a vague memory of WHY THE DAMN PANTS WERE IN THE BACK OF THE CLOSET came to me. They were in the back of the closet because the lock on the zipper was broken and the frigging things would unzip all of the sudden...just like they had tonight. (I couldn't bear to throw them out and was just going to wear them around the house but forgot them instead).

I'm sitting there...slap dab in the middle of this oh shit moment, the sales lady is waving this double sided dildo in my face, my fly is open and the other half drunk ladies are urging me to go try out my samples in the bathroom.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

So I did what any one would do in that situation. I pretended I stubbed my toe and walked bent over all the way to the bathroom and zipped up my pants....after I went pee - because high stress moments like that make me have to go.

I emerged from the bathroom victorious. I had found a safety pin to keep my zipper up...and I was just drunk enough to smile about it...because safety pinning your pants when your drunk isn't easy...and all the other ladies agreed that the samples were great....I just let them think what they wanted. There was no damn way I was going to tell on myself. Would you?

I had forgotten all about the damned samples. Who gives a shit about samples at a time like that? Frankly, it scared me when she waved that double sided dildo at me. I had never seen one before, and I can safely say, I don't care to see another one...and definately not up that close.

Labels:

44 Comments:

At Sunday, January 21, 2007 11:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sounds like my sort of mishap. How strange that you should write about this, have you been reading my thoughts. I've been writing a follow up to my little shopping trip for toys, you remember the one ;0}

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 11:28:00 AM, Anonymous Sayre said...

My cousin at "World According to Liane" on my blogroll went to one of those a couple of weeks ago. She finally wrote about it in her blog last Thursday - but the stories she told me in person were absolutely hysterical!!!! Still... I don't know that I'm ready for that kind of party. I'm perfectly happy with things the way they are now.

Sex toys = tupperware?

P.S. word verification is "uufkjh". Use your imagination!

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 11:36:00 AM, Anonymous quinn said...

HAHAHAHA......HAHAHAHAHA......AND ONE MORE HAHAHAHHAHAA.!!!

Great story..great visual.OMG..did anyone take photos from this party ..cause I might pay to see those?

I have been to a couple of those parties I don't think we had quite as much fun as they don't allow alcohol because they are selling and they don't want someone saying they were drunk when they purchases blah blah blah..but damn I bet it would be so much more fun if we could drink.

I have to say ....so while you were in the bathroom and found the safety pin it is safe to assume that you did the classic open the cabinet drawers and cupboards of the bathroom...I hear it is an etiquette no no...LOL>>>..

Personally I am sure the situation of course would allow for it as it was not done out of curiousity so much as necessity.

I love your posts you kill me!!!!!

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 12:40:00 PM, Anonymous jennyjinx said...

I have never been to one of those parties. I'm not even sure those types of, um, products are allowed inside of our town limits...heehee. But I can imagine the fun.

I've been in your situation with the zipper, though. Except mine happened on the dance floor at a bar and someone pointed it out to me...*sigh* What can you do? I laughed and laughed and pointed it out to more people. For some reason I thought that was the funniest shit that happened all night. Go figure.:P

P.S.

Word verification: jumzo...hahahaha!

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 1:06:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God for alcohol. LOL, I just love your stories. You are so entertaining. And dontcha just love those feel good moments? They never last nearly long enough.

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 1:21:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I impressed at your quick thinking on "stubbing your toe".

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 4:57:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BAWAAAHHHAAAAAA
OMG
TOO FUNNY
LOL
*snort*

So when she said put it up to your nose....Did you?
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
LOL ;o)
~shivers~
I couldn't do it. I kept looking at the hostess and thinking, where was this last? ~shivers~
*goosebumps*

Samples.
LOL ;o)
Is that what they are calling it these days? he he he he he

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:33:00 PM, Anonymous Annie Drogynous said...

A double-sided dildo is meant to be shared with someone, isn't it?!

I went to one of those parties where they teach you how to give better blow jobs. That was certainly an experience I'll never forget!

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:40:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

St Jude - First let me say that your blog won't let me post a comment (like so many others these days) and I just wanted to let you know that I think it's a fabulous idea for you to write a book. You have a great voice.

Secondly, hurry up and blog about your follow up...I have just got to read that. LMAO

Sayre - There's more there than "tupperware". Besides the things that are sold...there's a girl night out in there too.

Quinn - yes, there were pictures taken....no, you can't see them....I have destroyed the negatives.

Jenny - Dude, I could never point out my open fly to any one. LMAO And me being at a "Ladies Party" with a phallus there in my face and my open fly.....not good dude...so not good.

Chicky - thank you lady....and you are so right. The feel good moments never last long enough...unless you buy a couple of the products that were at the party *ahem*

Julie - Welcome. I didn't know what else to do...it was either that or fake a stomach cramp...I went with toe damage. LOL

Super - put it up my nose? Put what up my nose? You've lost me.

Note to self...don't go to any parties with Super...she's into some freaky shit. LMAO

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:48:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Annie - yes, I'm pretty sure it is...but I'm not into that...but thanks for asking.

..and I've never heard of one of those parties before.

There was however, a book on that at the one I was at.

They also had a blow up sheep...which still cracks me the hell up.

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 5:58:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Bwahahahahaha. Only you nikki, only you.

I think I need to send the mrs to one of these parties....

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 6:35:00 PM, Anonymous quinn said...

What there are pictures !!! and I cannot see them...!!! now that hardly seems fair does it.

my word verification...

hcfkgmca

translation......

holy cow freakin knowledge got messed completely again.

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 8:27:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG where the hell have I been? You hadn't put a post up for awhile and while I left your link on my side bar I hadn't visited in awhile. Now I'm back, and I've missed a shit load of stuff. lol.

You just had me about peeing my pants! lol. I would have died!

I soooo want to go to or throw a sex party!!! Or ... um ... I should say sex TOY party! lol.

So glad your back and I finally realized it.

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 10:24:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sex toy party and alcohol, they so mix :)

i have a pair of pants too where the lock is broken, and i can't bear to throw them out

that dip sounds yummy, gotta try that :)

m

 
At Sunday, January 21, 2007 11:02:00 PM, Blogger carrie said...

You are the epitome of "grace under pressure"...I would totally blow it in that situation (no pun intended). Good Job!!!

Carrie

ps. I think I have a pair of pants like that in the back of my closet too!!!

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 1:55:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i had pants like that once. they were never really worth the effort. i was in elementry school, though, thus negating the whole sex-party aspect.

i must say, though, that from the beginning of your post i was wondering if mirrors were somehow involved in this party. there are things that just don't need to be viewed in public. eep. glad you had fun, though. as for product testing, there's a time and a place for everything.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 3:55:00 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Needless to say I've never been to one of these parties, and I cannot think of a male equivalent.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 8:00:00 AM, Anonymous Jenny said...

Holy crap, you are cracking me up.

Sounds like the intro to a porn flick.

"Oh my! My fly suddenly burst open and the only one that could help me was a group of women with a double sided dildo. Whatever shall I do?"

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 10:15:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

it's always hilarious when a bunch of women get together and pass rather large phallic shaped dildos around and comment on them. Good thing you patched the zipper issue or the ladies might have thought you were over excited eh?

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 10:35:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carm - send her man, send her.

Quinn - LOL - that often seems to be the case. LOL

Jazz - Thanks...and sorry about the whole peeing on your pants thing...though I don't take responsiblity...see the Dr about loss of bladder control ;-)

Molly - It is the yummiest dip EVER...and yeah - you gotta drink at those parties ... it's a forgone conclusion.

Carrie - Thanks! It seems that everyone has one of those pants in the back of their closet....I say we make a big bonfire out of the dag on things...it would be perfect in this weather.

Kat - no, no mirrors. Thank goodness for that.

Kim - LOL...these parties are for men...after the ladies come home....LOL

Jenny - ROFLMFAO

OMG

THAT IS SO DAMN FUNNY.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 10:57:00 AM, Anonymous jennyjinx said...

Nikki,
In my situation I didn't have a choice because someone else pointed out my, um, issue. What else could I do but to laugh? :)

to the other Jenny:

Hahahahaha!

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 11:36:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Nikki - oh girl, it was terrible...I was afraid that someone would see and start the inevitable jokes about how I had the samples and saw the dildo and just couldn't contain myself....I would NEVER EVER EVER been able to live that down. LOL

Jenny - as soon as it got pointed out to me, I would have done an about face or run to the bathroom or something. I can get in just about anybody's face or whatever...but I can't handle having an unzipped fly LOL.

sad, but true

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 11:42:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm fed up with the comment thing, it's getting quite bad at the moment.

Thank you for your support with the writing project. I'll be sure to drop you some snippets for your critique. Don't worry the post is coming along nicely and it will be going out soon ;0)

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 1:43:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

St Jude - you flatter me. I would love to read anything you send my way.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 3:30:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

I'd have to find one first nikki....

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 3:49:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That totally sounds like something that would happen to me. But when drunk, I tell on myself! (Dumb thing to do) I probably would've ANNOUNCED to everyone what just happened. Then sat in the bathroom, eating dip, regretting it, once again.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 5:05:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carm - here ya go. - http://www.slumberparties.com/book.cfm

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 5:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!!
I'm such a wimp. If somebody invited me to a marital aid party I'd probably turn purple and die on the spot. Then I'd go and make tons of really gnarly and embarrassing jokes and comments about everything.
Because I am four, that's why.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 9:14:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Thanks! Bookmarked for later. Now hopefully I can get her to go...I'd be curious to see what she comes home with.

After the baby of course.

 
At Monday, January 22, 2007 9:26:00 PM, Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

You are a lot of fun! LOL

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 8:51:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

*ROFLMAO*

*SNORT*

Oh girl, I needed a good laugh this morning.

What some enterprising woman needs to do is have these sex parties for men and teach them oh I don't know, FOREPLAY. Or how about the concept of kissing OUTSIDE the bedroom, or heaven forbid SPONTINAITY {{GASP}}

Typical woman we take on the whole issue ourselves, like it's our damn fault. Stupid men...

Okay I was laughing and now I'm mad. T is still asleep I think I'll go gently wake him, with my foot in his ass.

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 8:53:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and I wouldn't put a double headed dildo up my nose either Super...

Keep smokin that crack sweetie....

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 9:53:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So this house party could possibly be a fund-raiser for my ladies church group? No?

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 8:45:00 PM, Anonymous Annie Drogynous said...

Nikki, you need to see the movie "Old School" then you'll know what I'm talking about!

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 9:53:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Why is it stupid men? We get you to do all the work and responsibilty...pretty smart if you ask me....*grin*

 
At Tuesday, January 23, 2007 10:23:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Nikki, I love you. I really, really do!

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:23:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok you dirty stop out, when are you coming home, that must have been one hell of a 'party'.

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12:51:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Uh, what were those samples and how were you supposed to "try them out" in the bathroom?

It wasn't the double dildo, was it? LOL

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 1:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BWAAAAA HAA HAAAAA

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 4:37:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee the last time I saw a double ended Dildo was at a Bachler party. Opps forget I said that. Nothing goes on at bachler parties! Nothing I said!

Since no one else asked I will, so were you wearing panties at the time your zipper broke or what?

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 7:34:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cousin who went to the Passion Party and I went to lunch today. I told her your story and she lost half her coke through her nose.

 
At Wednesday, January 24, 2007 8:17:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

CeCe - girl, the perfect thing to do in that situation....drink tequilla LOL.

Mel - I'll admit that it was a little uncomfortable at first...but the alcohol helps. LOL

Mr Fab - that's funny...that's the same thing Charles said when I got home LMAO

Dirty - girl you want spontinaity? Tell him he can only have it on Tuesday nights...then go to sleep every damn Tuesday night...he'll eventually be over come with...uh...spontinaity... LOL

Christina - you could try it if you want. Let me know how it goes okay?

Annie - me? have time to watch a movie? Not likely.

Kristin - I LOVE THE PIC!!!!!

St Jude - hold your under-roos on chick....I have a hang over LOL

Attila - I'm not tellin. You'll have to go to one of your own parties.

Lucky - I've missed seeing you around...glad to have you back.

Rain - I'm so not answering that question dude.

Sayre - at least now she doesn't have to worry about a sinus infection....the acid in the coke should clear her out pretty good.......never mind the burning. It'll go away.

 
At Thursday, January 25, 2007 2:45:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY... sorry to shout, but if you don't hurry up you'll miss out on the cake :0)

 
At Wednesday, February 07, 2007 8:27:00 AM, Anonymous Lisa said...

OMG...that is too funny...now after the fact of course. I am sure then you wanted to die. I have also been to one of those parties and frankly the other women scared the crap out of me all begging each other to try the cooter cream. Sigh.

 

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