Monday, May 22, 2006

Advantages and Disadvantages of My Weight and Body Shape

Alright, before I get any emails telling me what an insensitive asshole I am, understand that I wrote this about ME. This is in NO WAY poking fun or belittling ANYONE of ANY weight or body shape- except for me. I'm allowed to make fun of myself - so get over it.

When I was pregnant with Lauren, I gained 100lbs. Before I was pregnant with her I weight a whopping 125lbs (I'm almost 5'8") and was so skinny my spine stuck out and you could clearly see my ribs. (Can you say anorexia?) Needless to say, the weight gain bothered me a lot, so to make myself feel better, I jotted down the advantages and disadvantages of my new weight. I lost all but 30 lbs (which was a good weight for me) and then I got pregnant with Connor and gained 60 lbs with him and added a few more advantages and disadvantages.

I ran across it the other evening going through some of my short stories and such. I thought it was funny and wanted to share it with you. Enjoy.


Advantage - I have fewer wrinkles than most people my age.

Disadvantage - Since I gain weight in my hips and thighs and buttocks, my cheeks are extremely smooth - but not the cheeks on my face.

A - I can really fill out a pair of jeans - I have Junk in my Trunk!

D - Junk in your trunk should not include the Titanic.

A - My ass and hips are one with The Force.

D - The Force is the denim trying to pull everything into one time zone.

A - I still look good in skirts.

D - I can't wear brown skirts. I'll look like the liberty bell - complete with walking vent.

A - I amazingly don't have any cellulite.

D - My thighs look like watermelon poles.

A - If I fall, I'm less likely to break a bone.

D - If I fall, I'm more likely to break the floor.

A - I have hips!

D - I look like a coffee table got shoved side-ways up my ass.

A - I have boobage!

D - If I look straight down, I can't see my feet. (They don't seem to grow in the shade)

A - When I try sit ups now, my spine doesn't dig into the floor.

D - I can't do sit-ups. I just kinda roll around on the floor and call it good. (think over-turned turtle)

A - I'll burn more calories more quickly simply by moving around because I'm carrying so much weight.

D - When I move, so does the house.

A - I still have a body shape.

D - So do whales and Oprah - I think we may all be related.

-----------

Disadvantage - I have a lot of stretch marks.

Advantage - The map to the world is on my stomach. I will never get lost again.

D - None of my clothes fit.

A - SHOPPING!

D - My stomach sags.

A - It matches my breasts.

Fuck this, I'm calling Jenny.

ADDENDUM: Oh Good Grief. To the people that sent me emails: I want you to look at the very first paragraph again...now read it. No really, go read it, pay special attention to the last sentence, the bit after they hyphen....I'll wait..............DONE? Good. Do I really need to go any further? Now go suck your thumbs.

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97 Comments:

At Monday, May 22, 2006 2:36:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

Hey! Is this the "Everybody Can Bite My Ass" blog?

I may have to hate you and your no-cellulite.

Maybe.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 10:20:00 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

Advantage: You're funny as hell.

Disadvantage: You are the "butt" of your own jokes.

Advantage: You "crack" me up.

Disadvantage: Hmm, can't think of one.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 11:13:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

Heh, Adm. Pooper said "crack."

I feel ya, sistah.

I started out at 5'9" and 125lbs, too!

And I kept weight on after each pregnancy, too. I guess I would be considered "medium" now instead of skinny, but I guess I'm not really fat either, even tho I could certainly stand to lose about 15 lbs and firm the hell up.

So now I have curves... and I feel like a woman instead of a girl. Funny how having kids makes you feel that way - like you aren't really mature and an adult until you have them.

The downside is that my daughters like to comment on the size of my post-kid assets to my mother and my sister when they come to visit. "My mommy has bigger boobs than yours. Why are her's so much bigger?!"

I could laugh while I stuff socks in their mouths, but I think someone might object.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 11:18:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

You're terrible, HA! I'm kidding, obviously. I'm still laughing at the "Everybody Can Bite My Ass" title that you posted over at Eva Las Vegas.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 12:18:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kristin - do you think the title I'm concidering may be to much? And don't worry about the no cellulite thing - that has changed thanks to baby #2. (deadpan voice - whoopee)

Admiral - I've always said I was a smart ass, just not a little ass - or that I have a little ass - or...whatever, you get the point. LOL

Misha - I'm still working on the weight from Connor. I look at all my old clothes and it just kills me. And I know what you mean about kids saying stuff about your body shape to others. Lauren (my beloved angel) asked some complete stranger in the store (she was wearing a shirt that showed her mid-drift) Why isn't your tummy floppy like mommy's? I really need to start carring duct tape.

Kevin - so the new title is a no? I didn't think it would work out either. I'll just have to think of something else.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 1:07:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Oh gawd! a shape after my own heart. I hear you Nikki!

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 1:38:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

ME - the post that got deleted - it's just between you and I. It was not meant for publishing. But I thank you for the things that you sent. We'll just keep that last post our little secret. ;)

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 3:51:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

My wife's in teh same "shape" after little sarah.

 
At Monday, May 22, 2006 4:12:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

carmachu - welcome - I've read about your Sarah. She's very quick.

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 2:47:00 AM, Blogger St Jude said...

I loved it when I put weight on a couple of years ago. I had voluptuous curves and a cleavege for the first time in. Unfortunately I lost the weight, not intentional, it just happened, so I'll just have to revert to the old wonderbra again... or a pair of 'chicken fillets'!

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 8:22:00 AM, Anonymous Moobs said...

For some reason my wife entirely fails to appreciate my voluptuous cleavage.

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 8:47:00 AM, Blogger Jimbo Big Toe said...

The annoying playa hater emails are a consequence of blogging. You would figure if someone had an opinion they would simply use the comments section and tell everyone their objection. I wish some of the “hate” emails I got were actually posts because sometimes they are funny.

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 11:14:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

I just wanna hear about the hateful emails! LOL

Loved the post. You always bring a big smile to my face. :-)

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 12:25:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

St. Jude - I'm willing to share. I'm not a selfish person.

Moobs - Welcome to the blog that will twist your mind (if you're not there already)


Jimbo - It would be different if I had a large readership and was getting them, but those two just surfed in and decided to take a shit on me - and I had just showered damn it! I'm sicking my frog on them (notice my play on words)

Attila - they weren't very nice. I'm telling my mommy. LOL

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 2:44:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

I wanna read the emails!

I laughed, I cried and then laughed some more.

There are probably few post-baby women who haven't stood in front of the mirror naked wondering what the hell happened to their bodies and how everything shifted towards the ground.

And, for those few women who stood in that same mirror saying "Damn, I still look HOT", I think I can speak on behalf of all of us with stretch marks by saying: We hate you.

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 4:04:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Rhonda - SHIFTED? towards the ground? Try touched and stayed so long it tried to fuse with it.

 
At Tuesday, May 23, 2006 4:17:00 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

What leaps to my mind is the description I created for my Losing a Hundredweight blog

When I was a teenager I used to fantasize about having my own pair of breasts to play with. Now, as an overweight, middle-aged man, I seem to have them - and it’s not as much fun as I thought it would be.

The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is that depsite losing 86 pounds, I'm still categorised as obese. Still 2 more pounds to go, then I'm merely overweight!

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 11:50:00 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

Unfortunately, Nikkers, you can put 15 disclaimers on your posts and you will still receive negative comments and email. Some people are not happy unless they have something to bitch and complain about; it must be a terrible way to live.

MEMO TO NIKKERS: If Charlie ever bitches about one of my posts, I am to call Martha and have her take him to their vet to be put to sleep.

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 11:53:00 AM, Blogger The Poodle's Friend said...

You got hate mail for this? Unbelievable. Can we read it? Pretty please?

Well, now I know that the whole 'pregnant women glow' thing is a big lie designed to make women willing to have babies. Thanks for enlightening me! =)

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 2:13:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Admiral - I'd be very surprised if you did send me hate mail, but if you do, can we just skip the vet and have Martha kick you instead? HE HE HE

TPF - Sorry about the hatemail, I meant to respond earlier that I deleted them both right after I got them. Next time, I'll post them so everyone can see.

The pregnant women glow is real. When I got pregant with Lauren and Connor, I looked like the sun. A very big, scary looking sun. LOL.

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 2:18:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - loosing weight the right way is so difficult. I'm quite impressed with your determination and self discipline.

The weight after Super Baby is proving more difficult to loose than after Lauren. I'm working on it, BUT DAMN I MISS COOKIES!

 
At Wednesday, May 24, 2006 3:15:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Did someone say cookies?

*pant pant drool drool*

 
At Saturday, July 29, 2006 2:32:00 PM, Blogger ~d said...

WAA-HAA-HAA!
I love what Admiral said!
I totally feel you! AND I did read the 1st paragraph-TWICE!
(smile!)
OH! and the sit up thing had me ROLLIN!

 
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