Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My Practical Jokes - Agony Level - EXCRUCIATING

I just wanted to pass on to you a few of my all time favorites.

This particular one I did to poor, poor hubby. It's amazing he still loves me. Well, more to the point, it's amazing I'm still breathing.

Once upon a million years ago, when I was pregnant with my daughter Lauren, My hubby was in PLDC. It's a school the Army has to teach soldiers how to become Sergeants - Leaders of Men and Women.

I was allowed to visit hubby - or rather hubby-in-training, once a day and bring him anything that he might need as his "Sponsor".

Well, during this particular visit, I had just gotten my first ultra sound that afternoon and was on a natural high. I was in a great mood and was feeling extremely devilish. "What can I do to fuck with him?" I thought. "There has got to be some way I can mess with his brain in some general way without getting him into to much trouble." I kept thinking about it the whole time I was driving over there.

It was part of the school discipline for him to stand at Parade Rest while I was speaking to him, even though I was a lower rank. He was not allowed to laugh, and was only allowed to talk sparingly. Hubby is one of the most self-disciplined individuals I have ever met and it was a real challenge for me to try break it. As I was walking up, a thought struck me (it hurt). I knew what I was going to do and I had to fight HARD to keep the smile off of my face.

Hubby was released from the chow line to contact his "Sponsor" - me.

Me - Well, do you want to know how the ultra sound went today?

Charles - (quick nod of the head)

Me - It's twins.

Charles - (blank look)

Me - Did you hear me? I said it's twins.

Charles - (blank look)

pause - me waiting for reaction.

Me - Okay fine, it's not twins. They can't tell what sex the baby is, but there is only one.

Charles - (blank look)

Me - (sighing deeply) Okay, do you need anything?

Charles - No.

Me -(shaking head) Okay, I'll see you next week.

I left feeling very disappointed. I thought FOR SURE that would get him. HELL, it would've messed with my head! I was mopey the rest of the day. I didn't know if I would ever be able to get him.

I went to visit him the next week, all thoughts of the previous week's visit were out of my head.

Me - Hey there soldier man. Do you need me to bring you anything?

Charles - No. . . how are the babies?

Me - Babies? Our baby is fine. What other baby?

Charles - (jaw dropped) huh? wha? You said twins.

Me - huh? OH! ... Didn't you hear the part where I said there was only one?

Charles - No, I didn't get that part. (relief swept across his face - to this day, I would swear in a court of law I saw tears of joy in his eyes.)

Me - How did you not get that part? I told you right after I told you we were having twins.

Charles - I was really focused on the "TWINS". I was to traumatized to focus on anything else. The only thing I remember after that was laying in my bunk later that night.

Me - Oh...uh....sorry.....There's only one.

When I think about this it was cruel - but damn it - I told him right after! It was not my intent to keep him in pain for a full week.

I feel kinda bad about it - but I'm still cracking up, 9 years later.

I hope he never gets me back for this one.

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At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 7:30:00 PM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

That was evil...pure evil...if he gets you back, you've got it coming.

And don't forget, guys tend to stick together, especially when there is some fun to be had....booahahahaha

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 7:40:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

I agree, I would have it coming if he did get me back. I still have to take responsibility, I did after all, tell him we were having twins.

And for that evil laugh of yours... (me sticking out my tongue at you LOL)

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 10:42:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

My fave practical joke that I pulled on someone else is... X-rated, and not the current man. But I'm dying to tell you... I think you will appreciate it, because you are as twisted as I am. :)

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 11:20:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Misha - I'm emailing you. Immediate response is required

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 1:15:00 AM, Blogger Face said...

Thats not fair! I want to knoooooooooow!

Anyway, heh heh, twins, amazing that you made him actually lose the rest of his day!
I try and play jokes like that sometimes, but my problem is I CANT keep a straight face! Well, not for long anyway, but I guess sometimes those few seconds are long enough.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 2:22:00 AM, Blogger St Jude said...

I once decided to get his Lordship. He was at a meeting in town and I followed him. He parked the car and then left. I waited a few minutes and then moved his car to another space quite some way off. Then I took myself off shopping until he was due to return.

Well he returned and the head scratching and wandering lasted for quite some time, and I was just about to put him out of his misery when the Police turned up. He'd reported it stolen.

He and they weren't impressed with my little joke. I was nearly arrested for wasting Police time!

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 3:25:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

that's pretty damn funny - he should've listened! but then again, I can see where he got kind of stuck...but just a nod...i'm impressed.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 3:27:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

p.s. Has that wild Mother of your's ever fucked with him? I can only imagine... :)

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:31:00 AM, Blogger Meg said...

That's hilarious. Poor guy. My friend called her husband on April Fool's Day this year crying and all hysterical and told him that she hit a deer with their brand new truck. He didn't think it was as funny as she did.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:28:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Face - Welcome, welcome. I know what you mean about keeping a straight face. I have bitten the inside of my checks so hard that they have bled. Sometimes it doesn't help and I end up grinning like a fool anyway.

Kevin - mom mess with Charles? Oh no. She is always telling me how I should stop messing with him. Yeah right. Like that's gonna happen.

Meg - I'm sure he found that joke about as funny as hubby found mine. Men - no sense of humor.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:29:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

St Jude - AH! sorry, didn't mean to pass you by. Moving the car was pretty funny - until you mentioned the police. Then it just wasn't funny anymore. (okay, I'm still grinning - I admit it)

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:38:00 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

Nikkers & St. Jude: It doesn't take much to run us off our tracks, does it. We (men) just about think we know what we're doing and then you (women) come along and cause a wreck.

No wonder men have a shorter lifespan with jokers like you two.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:47:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Admiral - We're just trying to keep things fresh and new so you men won't get bored. ;D

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 1:50:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

Having witnessed how unrestful "parade rest" is for military people, I was chuckling even before you got to the punch line.

If he ever gets even, you're deserving of every minute of it, dear Nikki. Still, I thought it was hysterical.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 2:02:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Rhonda - I know I would deserve it. I hope he never, ever gets even. I really didn't mean it. (sounds kinda like the kid playing with matches and burned down the forest didn't it)

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 3:33:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

For those you you who are just dieing to know...Misha's joke was much better than mine.

She's given me permission to use it.


At Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:19:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

You're absolutely demented. Are you sure you aren't adopted?

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:31:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - I assume you mean demented in a good way (snerk). Then Yes, I am.

That adoption comment is a whole other entry. Which I've been pecking at for about 3 days now. I'll torture you with it later.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 6:48:00 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I quite fancied the idea of twins, until I had kids. The idea of 2 Rogans or 2 Megs brings me out in a cold sweat.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 7:22:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - I know just what you mean.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:26:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

so wicked...and excellent :)

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:41:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Thank You Me - I am full of them...or it. I can't decide which. LOL

At Friday, May 19, 2006 1:23:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

OMG - I can be nothing but bummed that I had not the clever nor the minx to bring forth such an excellent practical joke!

At Friday, May 19, 2006 9:15:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kristin - fear not - it has nothing to do with being clever or being a minx. It has everything to do with being a smartass.

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