Monday, June 12, 2006

Do Things Like This Only Happen To ME?

Okay, okay. I've never professed to be the most sensitive person on earth. I think my blog title shows that, but I'm mostly harmless, really. I try to respect other people's beliefs. I am starting to broaden my horizons in many aspects of my life and learn more about different things that I would have been closed off to before.

One of those things is religion. Shoot me if you want, but Mary Chapen Carpenter said it best "Forgiveness doesn't come with a debt." Here Here. But I have started going back to church, well okay I started going to church - minus the "back" part. I wasn't brought up in the church and have forged my own relationship with God over time. I love him, he loves me and we both get a good laugh out of some of the stuff he pulls - because we all know GOD does have his little jokes.

Getting to the point. Lauren has gone to Revival every summer with my HIL (Horror-in-law for those of you that are new) and really enjoys it. My neighbors S and J started going to this little Baptist church about 2 miles from my house - roughly the size of a shoe box - and S highly recommended it. That carried a lot of weight with me. I think quite highly of S. She is one of the most down to earth people I have ever met and will accept you for who you are, no questions asked. I like that. I respect her, so when she said something good about a church, I paid attention.

We started going to the earlier services so Lauren could go to Sunday School. That first Sunday, I sat through the regular service while Lauren was in Sunday School and when it was time for her to go to children's church, I was resigned to listening to the same service all over again - good thing I brought my Sudoku book and a pencil. The preacher comes up to me and says "You're not going to sit through the sermon again are you?" "Yeah, Lauren is in Childrens Church so I'm here for a little while." "Well, they have bible school down stairs for adults. You could try that if you want. I mean, I'm good, but not that good." SNICKER ~I love that preacher~

I'm sitting in the Fellowship Hall with a bunch of people I haven't seen before sitting in one of those metal folding chairs, and this guy starts going on about adultery. I'm listening like a good girl. He's got my attention. Next he starts talking about how we should try to learn a verse of the bible every week or so and then starts talking about a fellow he knows that has memorized almost the entire bible word for word. And then he says...

He once told me there are X (I don't remember how many he said) many passages in the bible related to adultery and you should learn them all so that the next time you are tempted by lust, you should repeat them in your head because there is just no way you can feel lustful and recite verses from the bible at the same time."

That did it for me. I was immediately picturing in my head, Charles and I about to do the dirty deed and tried at the same time to say the Lord's Prayer. I started cracking up. It started off real slow and I couldn't keep the smile off my face, I casually raised my hand to cover it. I started to laugh harder and noticed my body was starting to shake so I faked a few coughs to cover it up, but it was not use. I couldn't stop laughing. I was thinking to myself "Who is going to do this? Is there a piece of ass out there that is so wonderful you gotta break down and pray to keep from getting your groove on?" I started laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face. I snorted. This guy who is infront of a whole class of adults turns to me and says "Are you going to be alright?"

In between cackles I said "Yes (gasp) I'll be fine." and then I just couldn't hold it back anymore.

I busted out laughing. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, right there in front of everybody. I laughed, and laughed and laughed.

I felt like an ass. I really did, but damn it, I like going to church even more now.

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At Monday, June 12, 2006 2:37:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Too funny! Especially since my hubby is a preacher. Yeah, I know. He has his work cut out for him, doesn't he? ;)

Church isn't suppose to be all fire and brimstone. I hope you keep going.

At Monday, June 12, 2006 2:49:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

lmfao ... that is hysterical, and as good a reason to go back as any
*still has a shocked look on her face after reading christinas comment* wow ... does he ever have his work cut out for him baahahaha! maybe hes up for sainthood? bahahahhahah gonna wet my pantssssss GOTTA GO!

At Monday, June 12, 2006 2:51:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

If you have this much fun in church then you must be a blast at a funeral. (Prong doesn't count.)

At Monday, June 12, 2006 4:00:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Christina - Your hubby's a preacher? He didn't happen to baptise you by any chance did he? I'm just curious 'cause I was wanting to know if he held your head under water a little (okay alot) longer than everybody else's.

LOL I'm sorry. That was to good of a joke to pass up. (hugs)

Kim - How I dearly wish I had known someone in there so they would understand what I was laughing at. I think the general oppinion of me is that I'm not quite right. Of course - it's true, but I haven't known them long enough for them to have figured that out yet.

Admiral - I like to drum on the coffin and hum a death march - I'm cheerful like that. LOL

At Monday, June 12, 2006 5:08:00 PM, Blogger Rainman said...

Dam that was some funny stuff. The worst part is I could see myself doing the same thing.

Nikki - They dont call her the Wench for nothing. I heard that her husband has been selected for Sainthood. That poor bastard, suffering like that!

At Monday, June 12, 2006 5:31:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Rain Man - It was so funny. I wish you could have been there to laugh with me so I wouldn't have looked like such an idiot laughing all by myself.

At Monday, June 12, 2006 9:29:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Thats hysterical. But whatever gets you through church.

Sarah loves church school, so we take to it. But usually we just leave and go to Duncan Donuts and come back......

And I refer to the mrs family as outlaws....

At Monday, June 12, 2006 9:57:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

I would have been laughing right along with you!

But I think the church walls would have burst into flame when I walked in, tho. Hmm.

At Monday, June 12, 2006 10:01:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Humpfroft...that's me clutching my sides and laughing out loud. Hillarious! but have to admit, *sheepish smile* I was one of the Bible School kids who did recite.
There was a guy in school, ya da ya da ya da later and there i am reciting "There hath no temptation taken you but such..."

At Monday, June 12, 2006 10:56:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carmachu - Duncun Donuts! Ha ha! What a good way to spend the money you would have put in the offering plate! HA HA (Watch out for that bolt of lightening)

The outlaws - I used that one for a while - but to me - Horror in law is funnier - and perfectly describes how I feel about her.

Misha - The church would have gone up in flames huh? It could have been fun - for nothing else than to see them condemn you as a witch and bar-b-que you. -I would have shot you to spare you misery -;D

Me - Nothing wrong with reciting and knowing the bible. What bothers me is the HIL getting my daughter on the phone while she is visiting them and telling her to tell me that if I didn't start going to church, Jesus was going to have a talk with me.

Pissed me off so bad I couldn't breath. I'm about ready to have a talk with her - WITH MY FOOT UP HER ASS. (leadith me not into temptation)

Reguardless of how much of a bitch she is, GOD is good, and I like this church. They accept interracial marriage, and don't expect you to rent the Hope diamond to be admitted to thier services - which is a good thing. At this point, I couldn't afford to pay the admission to stare at it thru 500 yards of bullet proof glass.

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 7:48:00 AM, Blogger Jim said...

I do hope that if God doesn't have a sense of humor, that he is at least accurate....

By the way, check out Rebecca's essay on the Prose page of I think she might have listened to the same 'thumper' at her church camp.

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 7:56:00 AM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

HELLO? I am right here! I can hear you all! (taps foot)

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 9:40:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Nikki - I have this bad habit of laughing at the worst times. One time at work one of the guys was trying to read this training BS to the whole group. His reading skills were at about the 2rd grade level and it was tough not to fake a page or phone call to get the hell out of the meeting. After about 20 minutes of this torture, one of my fellow (12 year old) coworkers slips me this note that says " I would rather pound my toes with a hammer than listen to one more second of this". I spit coffee across the room and started laughing histerically as soon as I read it. As you can imagine it was tough coming up with a good lie to cover that one.

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 10:13:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Jim - I'd have to say he's pretty accurate. He can split atoms if the mood strikes him.

Christina - HUH? Wha? What's going on? Oh, that wasn't me that said that. That was my evil twin. ((GRIN))

Rain Man - HAHAHAHA! That's soo funny.

I had a new client on the phone one time and she was giving me her information. I don't remember her first name but we'll call her Mercedes b/c she was so stuck up - very prim and proper - even over the phone. Her full name was Mercedes Coke. I asked her to spell her name for me (you know how people spell their names funny sometimes and I like to make sure I get them right). We spelled Mercedes out, middle initial "Y", last name coke was spelled "cocke". I got a good laugh out of that, then further down my form I was filling out it asked for the first two intials and last name. It looked like this:

MY Cocke

I had to put her on hold so I could laugh. I just so glad she wasn't in the office. I would have been in really deep trouble!

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 7:48:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

damn it. i would've paid money to be with you! although, i probably would've been struck by lighting walking in there.

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 9:25:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

I'm amazed I dont get struck just taking sarah to sunday school and walking in the door every week.

At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 10:03:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kevin - I'm still waiting for the bolt to hit me too! LOL

I imagine the scene sometimes (VOICE FROM ABOVE) NIKKI! YOU HAVE SINNED!!!!!! (((KABLAM)))

Nothing left but crispy Nikki.

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 12:45:00 AM, Blogger Superstar said...


dodging the

boltz of lighting

over here


Rainman?!?!?! I am still laughing...I read this and had to go pee..I think a bit of pee came out on that

Nikki:OMG You are so funny
I swear God has a sense of humor...I mean look at some of his greatest creations...penguin, monkey, men..whopp[s I mean pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 12:46:00 AM, Blogger Superstar said...

Oh Chirstina is on Vaca we can talk about her now

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 1:17:00 AM, Blogger Me said...

Oh nikki!
"Jesus was going to talk to her"
Hillarious. I can't wait to use this on somebody.

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 10:33:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Superstar - HAHAHAHA! Dodge lightening will give you a work out won't it? It always make my legs sore and throaght hurt from all the running and screaming.

Me - Use it girl. Just be prepared when they swing on you.LOL

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 2:48:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

OMG! Now I can't stop laughing.

It's like getting the giggles after farting in church.

At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 4:41:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - LOL! Been there, done that. That poor old lady behind me will never be the same. LOL


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