Hey Good Lookin! What Cha Got Cookin?

I can't cook.

Well, that's a lie. I can cook. You can eat it and everything, you just wouldn't want to repeat the experience, and you need to make sure you use someone else's taste buds. I mean, it won't kill you, but the severe, seizure like convulsions that you get after partial digestion just might.

I've never really liked the kitchen or anything to do with the kitchen. Except for good food - which means I can't be the one cooking it and that's okay with me.

Charles is a master in the kitchen. He can go in with no idea of what we're having for dinner and serve up something that will make you sit up and beg for it to be low cal which of course never happens. We call it cupboard cooking. He just throws something together and it automatically tastes heavenly.

Me, on the other hand. Whoa Nelly. I've tried the old cupboard cooking a couple of times. Ummm, it didn't work out to well. The first time I served up some sort of gray noodle concoction that I think could possibly be illegal on all 50 states as a deadly weapon. Lauren, who was about 4 at the time, was grossed out. "Mommy, do I have to eat this?" Hint taken. Thanks kid. Now let me tell you the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and oh, the Boogie Man is real. Sweet dreams.

The second time I tried it was some sort of hamburger noodle thingy with cheese. Sounds slightly interesting doesn't it. Kind-a like hamburger Helper. Well, don't let me fool you. The dog wouldn't eat it. Really. The DOG wouldn't eat it. Seems he didn't care for the cup of red pepper I mistakenly dumped in it. WHAT? The top was loose damn it, and I managed to get most of it out. STOP LAUGHING. (the old salt shaker trick - I think Charles was trying to sabotage me)

Would you like to hear about my biscuits? Sure you would, because hearing about them is far better than eating them. Let me just tell you that no amount of butter, jam, preserves, margarine, or WATER could introduce moisture to those things. I threw them out my back door, hit a dog and he YELPED and RAN LIKE HELL. I didn't mean to hit the dog. My dog was inside, I didn't know he was there - but needless to say, he hasn't been back. I hope I didn't break a bone or anything. He wouldn't come to me when I called - and really - can you blame him? Thank God they didn't have points on them or anything, I could have killed him. But then again, I could have made a lot of money selling them as crafty NINJA STARS.

I have however, managed to learn how to cook a few things to keep starvation at bay. I have listed them for you below.

1. Canned soup is good
2. Uh, canned soup - What?! - there are lots of vitamins and shit in there. It's good for you. No damn it, I don't want to hear about the MSG and sodium. In my world, we need vast quantities of those too.
3. Fresh fruit
4. Fresh vegetables
5. HUH? what was that? Don't give me that crap that they don't count. Sure they do, we eat them don't we? Some preparation is involved - you know - like washing and peeling and sometimes I even have to cut them up. Besides, they have to count, I don't have anything else to put on this list........ OH WAIT!
6. BREAD - HA HA! thought of one.
7. uh - SANDWICHES - ha ha That's yummy goodness right there.

......I can hear you snickering.

-----------------------------------

This post was done because I lost a bet with hubby. Yes, I'm a terrible cook, I freely admit it. All the above stories are true - except for the part about hitting the dog, I had a neighbor do that one. It was part of the bet that I divulge my terrible cooking skills if I lost. I do know how to cook more than the list above, but the humor just seemed to go well with the rest of the post, so I put it in. Hope you all have a great weekend.