Friday, May 26, 2006

Hey Good Lookin! What Cha Got Cookin?

I can't cook.

Well, that's a lie. I can cook. You can eat it and everything, you just wouldn't want to repeat the experience, and you need to make sure you use someone else's taste buds. I mean, it won't kill you, but the severe, seizure like convulsions that you get after partial digestion just might.

I've never really liked the kitchen or anything to do with the kitchen. Except for good food - which means I can't be the one cooking it and that's okay with me.

Charles is a master in the kitchen. He can go in with no idea of what we're having for dinner and serve up something that will make you sit up and beg for it to be low cal which of course never happens. We call it cupboard cooking. He just throws something together and it automatically tastes heavenly.

Me, on the other hand. Whoa Nelly. I've tried the old cupboard cooking a couple of times. Ummm, it didn't work out to well. The first time I served up some sort of gray noodle concoction that I think could possibly be illegal on all 50 states as a deadly weapon. Lauren, who was about 4 at the time, was grossed out. "Mommy, do I have to eat this?" Hint taken. Thanks kid. Now let me tell you the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and oh, the Boogie Man is real. Sweet dreams.

The second time I tried it was some sort of hamburger noodle thingy with cheese. Sounds slightly interesting doesn't it. Kind-a like hamburger Helper. Well, don't let me fool you. The dog wouldn't eat it. Really. The DOG wouldn't eat it. Seems he didn't care for the cup of red pepper I mistakenly dumped in it. WHAT? The top was loose damn it, and I managed to get most of it out. STOP LAUGHING. (the old salt shaker trick - I think Charles was trying to sabotage me)

Would you like to hear about my biscuits? Sure you would, because hearing about them is far better than eating them. Let me just tell you that no amount of butter, jam, preserves, margarine, or WATER could introduce moisture to those things. I threw them out my back door, hit a dog and he YELPED and RAN LIKE HELL. I didn't mean to hit the dog. My dog was inside, I didn't know he was there - but needless to say, he hasn't been back. I hope I didn't break a bone or anything. He wouldn't come to me when I called - and really - can you blame him? Thank God they didn't have points on them or anything, I could have killed him. But then again, I could have made a lot of money selling them as crafty NINJA STARS.

I have however, managed to learn how to cook a few things to keep starvation at bay. I have listed them for you below.

  1. Canned soup is good
  2. Uh, canned soup - What?! - there are lots of vitamins and shit in there. It's good for you. No damn it, I don't want to hear about the MSG and sodium. In my world, we need vast quantities of those too.
  3. Fresh fruit
  4. Fresh vegetables
  5. HUH? what was that? Don't give me that crap that they don't count. Sure they do, we eat them don't we? Some preparation is involved - you know - like washing and peeling and sometimes I even have to cut them up. Besides, they have to count, I don't have anything else to put on this list........ OH WAIT!
  6. BREAD - HA HA! thought of one.
  7. uh - SANDWICHES - ha ha That's yummy goodness right there.

......I can hear you snickering.


This post was done because I lost a bet with hubby. Yes, I'm a terrible cook, I freely admit it. All the above stories are true - except for the part about hitting the dog, I had a neighbor do that one. It was part of the bet that I divulge my terrible cooking skills if I lost. I do know how to cook more than the list above, but the humor just seemed to go well with the rest of the post, so I put it in. Hope you all have a great weekend.

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At Friday, May 26, 2006 1:45:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

I've tried the old cupboard cooking a couple of times.

Rather tough and stringy, aren't they? On the other hand, they have built-in toothpicks.

Please send me 12 dozen of your biscuits: we still have roaming cats.

What did Charles have to do if HE lost the bet? Huh? Huh?

At Friday, May 26, 2006 2:08:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Admiral - Charles would not have been allowed to watch NASCAR for a whole week. I just hate it that I lost.

At Friday, May 26, 2006 3:23:00 PM, Blogger St Jude said...

I've got a rather wonderful ingredient it could be sent in a nice tuppaware container!! But then you've already heard about that :0)

At Friday, May 26, 2006 3:24:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

lmao Nikki! Silly girl, you should have cheated somehow! And you are not alone, my kids beg me not to cook and find 100 excuses to eat over at friends houses when I do. *hugs*

At Friday, May 26, 2006 3:31:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

St. Jude - Somehow, I don't think your special ingredient would help. LOL

Kim - the thought of cheating did cross my mind - I can't lie about that. That Boogerhead is really rubbing it in that I lost. Every other sentence is "BLOG IT!" He's gonna make me practical joke him again, and it won't be my fault this time. lol

At Friday, May 26, 2006 6:00:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

Set his underpants on fire. While he's in them. That'll teach him.

I like you new tagline: Boy, you should don't beat off in the bushes, do you. I meant beat around the bushes. Yeah. Beat around.

At Friday, May 26, 2006 6:08:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Admiral - LOL

At Friday, May 26, 2006 6:13:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

oohhh get him Nikki! he deserves it this time lol
lol @ admiral ... isnt he cute ?

At Friday, May 26, 2006 6:16:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - I love the Admiral. He is just to damn funny. And he's gen-u-wine. Lots of love for the Admiral here.

At Saturday, May 27, 2006 8:52:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

Dont feel so bad about the hamburger helper. My wife can cook, and she made that ONCE. She is not forbidden to EVER cook that or even look at it in the store ever again.

That stuff's nasty. Even if I were broke and starving, I STILL wouldnt eat that crap.

At Saturday, May 27, 2006 10:10:00 AM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

Perhaps, whne I get home, it will be time to reveal the cicumstances surrounding the great "General Tso's Chicken" cooking adventure in the Paradigm kitchen. It was not a pretty sight.

Oh, and those big birds that we cook at Thanksgiving? Who knew those bird parts were in a plastic bag...? Good news is that I discovered thos ebags will survive at least a three hour stint in a 350 degree oven.

At Saturday, May 27, 2006 11:29:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carmachu - what can I say, I like Hamberger Helper, just not my version of it.

Jim - you've told me about that chicken incident. You should blog it. That is a story that should be shared.

The turkey...the only reason I knew to take the bag off is because somewhere, in the back of my mind, something told me that directions for thawing and cooking had not been tatooed on their asses. LOL

At Sunday, May 28, 2006 10:51:00 AM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

Wow, did someone ever not get it! I meant the bag of stuff the stuff up the turkey's

It's really cool(temp wise) in CA. Freezing my butt off here in this little corner of the kingdom.

At Sunday, May 28, 2006 4:29:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Jim - PPHHTTTTT - so my reading skills aren't the best. (blush)

At Monday, May 29, 2006 8:41:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

"......I can hear you snickering."

Snickering? Hell, I yodeled so loud I woke the dogs up!

At Tuesday, May 30, 2006 12:26:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - glad you liked it. Hubby is still rubbing it in - he's such a woman that way. LOL


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