Friday, June 02, 2006

Fun with Flax Seed

As promised to Kevin, I'm gonna tell you a little story.

It's an emotional story. It will warm you heart. It will bring tears to your eyes. It will make you laugh, because it's a story about farting.

Yes dear friends, Nikki the Great farts. Are you shocked? Are you aghast? Well, you would have been if you had been around in this little incident. Oh, wait, sorry. I meant a gasp.

Hubby and I have changed the way we eat. We no longer subscribe to the southern mode of cooking for everything. Here in the south, just about everything is fried and they still use lard. Yes, I said lard. Crisco is for those high faluten folks, real southerners use lard. Cholesterol only comes into question for people when they go to the Dr.

Dr - Your triglycerides, LDLs and HDL don't look good. You should really start trying to cut back ...

Everything else is tuned out. Wife and Hubby go out to the car.

Hubby -Mama, did you hear or understand anything he just said?

Wife - Well Daddy, I think he said something about cut.... Cut something.... Hmmmm. Do you think he was telling you to get a hair cut?

Hubby - Well, maybe so Mama... (thoughtful look on face) Let's go to the barber shop and then we'll head over to Tony's Breaded and Deep Fried for the buffett. I could eat a pretty sizable steak and a baked potato about the size of a station wagon.

Wife - (giggle) Daddy you are so clever. (giggle) Don't forget the trimmin's (finger wagging).

Well, that may be a little exaggerated, but it's not to far off the mark. Charles and I are a bit different. He was diagnosed with Diabetes a couple of years ago and his cholesterol was scary.
After we left the Dr's office, I was in shock. Hubby was in deep shock,and started saying some rather depressing things that alarmed me - and because I am the loving, caring, understanding wife that I am, I told him:

Shut the fuck up. You don't have cancer, you aren't going to die. We'll do what we need to do to get a handle on this. Pull yourself together.

Harsh? Yeah, it was harsh, but Hubby was starting to freak me out with some of the stuff he was saying and my response got his attention and snapped him out of his funk.

We went home, cleaned out the pantry of all the bad stuff (which wasn't much) and went to ...THE HEALTH FOOD STORE - Dum Da DUM DUM DDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMM!

We eventually found a store here locally that sells stuff especially for diabetics. WE LOVED THAT STORE (it eventually closed). We got sugar free chocolate chips and sugar free syrup and good for you pasta and bread. We found cookie mixes and all kinds of great stuff that Charles could eat. I'm not the type to sit in front of my man and grub on a really big bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles unless he can have some too- that's just wrong, so we ALL changed the way that we ate. Not just Charles. It's there that we found FLAX SEED.(insert psycho sound track here)

We thought it would be good to add a bit to what ever we cooked to help with his cholesterol. Just a sprinkle was required, just a touch.

Well, I WAS COOKING ONE EVENING (what in the hell was I thinking?) and we were having horrible tasting food (because I was cooking) for dinner. Thankfully, Charles came home and took over before I did to much damage and rescued the meal(it was thankful and so were we). I had cut up everything that needed to be cut up. I had prepped everything according to recipe. Except the flax seed. It was in a bowl and had not yet been measured, but I was so relieved that he was cooking dinner, I immediately pushed all thoughts of me having to cook out of my mind and busied myself with something else that needed to be done (because there is always something). In other words, I forgot all about it.

Charles added it to the meat loaf. THE WHOLE DAMN BOWL. Oh, the meatloaf was good. We exclaimed at what a good taste it had, how unusual, how well it went with the sauce that he had whipped up and put on top (we are connoisseurs of meatloaf at my house). Charles of course took it as his due and even threw me a bone. "You got everything together. You helped." I of course felt suitably petted and blew him a kiss.

We cleaned up the kitchen and dining room and all went into the living room where Lauren and Charles turned on the boob tube and I picked up some craft or another that I was working on.
A few minutes later, I started to cramp. "Ouch" I thought. "Meatloaf isn't sitting quite right"

The house was suddenly filled with a green toxic fog and it didn't come from just me. Charles farted so hard, the force of his emissions shoved him against the wall where he was briefly pinned at the waist and could only kick his feet and wave his hands until it was over. Lauren and I did the only thing we could think of: DUCK AND COVER! We would have laughed at him when he slid to the floor in exhaustion, but we both knew taking a deep breath would be a big mistake.

We opened the windows and aired out the house. Everyone did the obligatory visit to the bathroom to get it out of our systems, and we were mostly fine for the rest of the night - the occasional fart was forgiven as long as you had the decentcy to point your butt in the opposite direction of someone's face.

Of course, I had to go to work the next day, and we all know it takes more than one visit to the bathroom to get everything out of your system. I should have called in sick, or stinky, or crampy, or something. I didn't. Oops.

Now, I keep air freshener in my desk drawer because some of my clients haven't figured out how to work a spigot and soap is only something they may occasionally use on their hands if it's Saturday. I nicknamed a couple of them Onion People - you know, they stink so bad they make your eyes tear up. When ever they leave, I liberally spray my office with air freshener and beat feet outside while the stink and the fresh fight it out. Sometimes I have to respray. Sad, but true.

All morning long, when ever one of my co-workers would stick their head in my office - they would ask when the Onion People have been there and tell me I needed to respray. You and I both know that the Onion People didn't show up that day. It was me. I did it. I was farting so hard and long I could have challenged Shaggy and Scooby and won. By the afternoon, people stopped coming by.

Wonder why?

Labels: , , ,

476 Comments:

At Friday, June 02, 2006 11:22:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

I guess I fart when I roll over in my sleep. The BF still thinks it's cute, especially when I wake myself up.

We are such delicate flowers.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 11:31:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Misha - HE HE - nothing like stinking up the room so bad you wake yourself up. I have accomplished great things.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 11:45:00 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Just make sure you don't have any naked flames nearby!

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 12:15:00 PM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

Our champion fart blossom was Charlie, the dog I mentioned on my blog in "Best Dog I Ever Had". Charlie slept in the bedroom with us and many nights, just as we were dozing off, in the dark silence we would hear "Phhhhhhhhh", almost like a little anal sigh. Charlie never woke himself up with these little silent but deadly flatulent demonstrations; he slept on peacefully unaware that we had flooded our ballast tanks and done a crash dive under the comforter. When Charlie's little offering invaded our space there was never a more appropriate word for that piece of bedding than a "comforter". I suppose "lifeline" might have been appropriate since without it we might have expired right there like D-Con'd house flies.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 12:20:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - we were very careful

Jim - "an anal sigh" "we might have expired right there like D-Con'd house flies" LMFAO - that was way funnier than my post

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 12:47:00 PM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

Sorry, I didn't mean to. It was ass-idental.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 2:36:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

lmao nikki .. a new way to clear your office and have blogging time woohooo

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 3:35:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

AAAAHHHHH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOL! LMFAO!! Oh Nikki, I laughed until the tears started to run and then I continued... thank you, thank you, thank you. I've had a stressful day so far and that just helped like you wouldn't believe.
I actually squeeled at one point, then snorted.
the visual...and your husband being pinned up against the wall??? ahh jeez... whew...
i'm going to read it again.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 7:03:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - it did have it's advantages

Kevin - glad you enjoyed and that it helped your crappy day. You owe me the spider in the mouth story!!!!

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 7:17:00 PM, Blogger mama_tulip said...

LOL. I love fart stories.

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 8:28:00 PM, Blogger jackt said...

Fart jokes are the highest form of art. Next time I get gassy I'm gonna call in stinky too. Great idea!

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 8:37:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Nothing beats clearing out a room full of gaming guys with a well timed fart. Twice.

They had to resort to sparying near me with the air freshener....

 
At Friday, June 02, 2006 11:47:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mama - I do too. Just because they are so damn embarrasing.

Jackt - I'm full of it - I mean them, the great ideas, yeah them.

Carmachu - HAHAHAHA I've done that to hubby more times than I can count. I affectionately call him GASMAN.

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 10:52:00 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

"the occasional fart was forgiven as long as you had the decentcy to point your butt in the opposite direction of someone's face."

<----Bahahahahaha!!!

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 4:57:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

Came here thru Kevin's blog - love it!!! I gasped aloud when you said he put that whole bowl of flaxseed in the meatloaf.
And then I laughed, LOUD, at your 'pinned to the wall' visual. God!
Awesome.

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 6:45:00 PM, Blogger ~d said...

Are you and yours familiar with a game called turtle?

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 9:00:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - That was to avoid any "spot welding" that may occur. LOL

Mel - Welcome! Glad you liked it.

~D - Welcome! No, never heard of that one, but do tell.

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 9:03:00 PM, Blogger mollymcmommy said...

came via kevin too :)

i can't stop laughing, man oh man that was a good one! LMAO!!!

i do LOVE a good flatulance story, just say "fart" and i giggle like some schoolgirl.

yes, i am mature that way :)

m

 
At Saturday, June 03, 2006 11:00:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Molly - Welcome. Can't stop laughing at fart stories? Join the club.

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 1:45:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

OMG... priceless!!!!

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 10:53:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kristin - That dinner will live in in our hearts and butts forever. LOL

 
At Sunday, June 04, 2006 10:57:00 PM, Blogger ~d said...

Aww man-do I have to? You get in bed with the bed sheets pulled up-then you fart and pull the sheets over your head and see who can stay under the longest. I always lose. I lose so badly I have been known to leave the room. Have fun!

 
At Friday, June 09, 2006 5:39:00 PM, Blogger Dolores McCrumble said...

Oh Nikki, I can certainly empathise. I'm sure Dr McCrumble has portrayed me as being quite ladylike but the reality is, I can drop the most foul anal emissions. Sometimes they're so bad I disgust myself!

You wanna go easy on flaxseed! I could've told you that!

 
At Friday, June 09, 2006 9:52:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

~d - I've heard it referred to as Spit And Duck. The game rules have been explained to me thus:

slip a SBD (silent but deadly) under the covers, spit in the air and yell "DUCK!" Hubby has never tried this because I would kill him.

Dolores - Glad you dropped by! Welcome! Oh the flax seed lesson was learned the hard way. We had no idea what the consequences would be. We are ever vigilent of our measuring these days I can tell you.

 
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