Wednesday, June 21, 2006

WARNING -- TMI--YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEAVE NOW

I have just got to vent. If you don't like it, then carry your ass that way ---->

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN? Am I the only wife that has this problem? Please help - I'm serious because this is really starting to piss me off.

This morning, I woke up at 5am with the dog scratching at the kennel door like I hadn't let him out in 3 days to pee. He woke up Super Kid. I let the dog out only to find that he peed in the kennel. Cleaned that up(that was a wonderful experience - it was just how I have always wanted to start my morning), and tended to Super Kid. Went ahead and fed Super Kid breakfast because there was no way I was going to get him back to sleep when we needed to get up in an hour anyway.

Woke up Lauren (which is damn near impossible) , made sure Lauren brushed her teeth - she didn't do it well - I made her do it again. Realized I forgot to put her pants in the dryer last night. Oh she has more than one pair of pants, but she was going on a field trip today and HAD to have THAT pair - the ones she wore on Monday. So instead of putting the whole load in the dryer, I threw just that one pair in so it would dry quicker.

I ironed my clothes for work, ironed Lauren's shirt and ironed the baby's clothes. Made Lauren go brush her hair again, got super kid dressed and finally got to brush my teeth. Fed Lauren breakfast, fed the cats, fed the dog and watered the garden.

Took a "shower", basically all I had time for was an extremely brief introduction between my skin and soap and had to get the heck out of there because I remembered we had to leave an hour early this morning to be at the daycare in time for her bus to leave on her field trip.

While drying my hair, the hair dryer died and I don't have an extra one. I had to dry my hair and curl it at the same time with the curling iron. My hair didn't like me before - it fuckin' hates me now.

I finally got to put my pants on. Remembered Lauren's pants, threw them at her and told her to put them on in a hurry 'cause we had to go. Put my shirt on, put the dog in the kennel and woke up hubby. Was headed out the door and putting my shoes on (we keep all shoes in the laundry room - no shoes in the house) and as I was putting on my heels, Super Kid's top came off his cup and drowned my shoes in milk. I put on black flip flops instead of the heels, made sure I wasn't stepping on my pants leg stuffed the baby in the car seat, rinsed out my shoes and put them on the porch to dry. Fussed at Lauren to hurry up or she wasn't going to make the bus for her field trip. Went back inside, fixed myself some tea and woke hubby up again. Ran out the door and drove like the devil, slinging gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air.

Got to daycare, remembered to put Lauren's hair up - did it in the parking lot, dropped of the kids, got to the office and worked like a fiend all day long - looked in the mirror around lunch and noticed I forgot to put my make-up on. Stayed late at work for 2 hours to catch up, picked up the kids, drove home, let the dog out, let the cats out, fed the fish, fixed dinner, fed my spawn, bathed super kid, put super kid to sleep, sent Lauren for bath and bed, washed dishes, rewashed the load of clothes I forgot to put in the dryer this morning, scrubbed the kitchen floor and finally put away a load of clothes that was sitting on the couch looking rather wrinkled and scary.

I finally crawled into bed at 10:23pm. I was exhausted. I mean, just beat down! Hubby roles over and I can tell he's feeling rather "FRISKY".

First, let me say in his defense... He's sick. He has been quarantined to the bedroom so the kids don't get sick too. I don't mind doing all this when he is sick. He usually helps out with house and kids and what not. . . . . BUT

YOU AREN'T TO FUCKING SICK IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME FUCKING ACTION BUDDY. I'M PLAYING SINGLE MARRIED MOM HERE AND YOU'RE IN BED CHILLIN OUT WATCHIING THE DAMN TV PROPPED UP ON PILLOWS AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN YOU HAVE ENERGY WHEN I COME TO BED?!

YOU'VE BEEN IN BED FOR TWO DAYS BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE AND YOU FEEL SICK TO YOUR STOMACH. ALL I CAN SAY IS BIG FUCKING WHOO.

I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING IN THE RECLINER FOR 3 DAYS SO YOU WILL GET GOOD UNINTERRUPTED, GOOD QUALITY SLEEP (I snore). I'M FRIGGIN TIRED. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

DON'T GET ALL OFFENDED AND PISSED OFF IF I SAY NO. HAVE THE FUCKING BRAINS TO REALIZE I'M TIRED. I ONLY HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY. I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO BUST MY ASS ALL DAY AND THEN COME TO BED IN A BLACK NIGHTY TO BE YOUR LITTLE SEX KITTEN, WHERE YOU WOULD PROBABLY WANT ME TO BE ON TOP ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK. FUCK YOU.

IF YOU WANT ACTION? I WANT HELP YOU ASS.

Labels: , , , ,

31 Comments:

At Thursday, June 22, 2006 12:38:00 AM, Blogger kim said...

*gives you a big hug*
let me make you some tea honey and sit down, put your feet up, and no I wasnt copping a feel when I helped you to the ocuch :)
hes obviously delusional and the headache has damaged his brain! im sure he will be suitably apologetic ...with diamonds or a gift certificate to a day spa in the morning

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 3:50:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

i'm just impressed that you re-washed the clothes. i just would have put their moldy-assed-selves in the dryer. rock on, you.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 6:48:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

Seems more than fair. If he wants to play,he's got to pay(via helping out).....

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 7:39:00 AM, Blogger Jim said...

Want to free up some time and save some energy? Eighty six ironing micro-dude's clothes for cryin' out loud. Check the care label, does it or does it not say "Ironing? What...are you nuts? These are little kid's clothes! They need ironing like frogs need snowshoes. Martha Freakin-Stewart doesn't iron baby clothes."

You're welcome!

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 12:34:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - thanks for the hug and tea. I needed that.

Kat - Welcome! - Hubby does that too. I can't do that. To me, they have a smell. If hubby puts them in the dryer, I can smell them when I fold them and have to rewash them anyway.

Carm - I think so too. (feeling light headed that a man agrees)

Jim - Yes he is micro dude - it takes literally 10 secs to iron his clothes. It's not something I do very often, but did yesterday morning because they were especially wrinkled, and also, the iron was already hot - so why not?

Martha Stewart wouldn't iron baby clothes even if she had a baby. She would make the nanny do it.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 1:48:00 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

Ironed the baby's clothes? Superwoman, stop in the name of all that is holy... STOP the madness!

Ok, I am just impressed.

Please, the sex? Tell him to take a shower and take care of himself... you'll be on the recliner watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith and trying to decide if Brad or Angie is sexier.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 1:51:00 PM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

*snort* Girl, I feel your pain.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 2:17:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kristin - Don't be impressed about the baby's clothes, it's not something I do all the time.

...Brad or Angelina....I can't decide, I think between the two of them they have half a brain, and I only like people with 3/4 of a brain or more.

Mama - don't you just hate that?

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 2:48:00 PM, Anonymous michele said...

No... You are SO not the only one. I totally empathize.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 3:02:00 PM, Blogger Dolores McCrumble said...

Ohh Nikki, a kindred spirit! Yes, it is funny that they can always muster the energy for 'that.'

However, Joseph eased his guilt for his domestic shortcomings by packing the kids off to boarding school.

Better get back to it myself.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 4:38:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

You should have told him that you had a headache and felt nauseous too and stayed in bed for the next 2 days and let HIM do all that shit.

Men... can't live with them, can't kill them and bury them in the yard without the neighbors finding out. ;)

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 5:25:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

I have always said my hubby could be on his death bed and still want to get laid. I also get the guilt trip when I am too tired. We won't mention all the times I do something and don't really feel like it. I feel your pain.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 5:41:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Michele - Welcome! Thanks goodness I'm not the only one!!!

Dolores - Is there a boarding school for husbands? Please let me know if you should ever happen to stumble on to such a thing. I would like to send mine there when he's sick

Misha - I probably should have. I was on the verge of telling him to get the hell out of bed and stop being such a cry baby.

I wanted to let him know that he doesn't know shit about long term physical discomfort until he has to go to work doped up on Pamprin, Motrin, tylenol and every damn thing else.

The big wuss.

Les - I HATE THAT DAMN GUILT TRIP! Charles tried that on me waaaaay back in the day. I blew up on his ass - bits of nikki all over the place. He hasn't done it since. LOL

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 6:16:00 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

So, did he get any action that morning or not?

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 6:24:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

WHERE YOU WOULD PROBABLY WANT ME TO BE ON TOP ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK.

I nearly wet my cat fur over that one.

Nikkers, you (and all the other ladies here) have to understand men:

1. We are all little boys; the only thing that grows to adulthood are our peckers.

2. Wives are expected to be mothers to our children, mothers to us because we too need constant nurturing, but we also expect you to be diry filthy whores in bed, but you must be virginal at all other times, like when you are our motherly housekeeper and baking cookies for us.

It is all very complicated and incestuous-sounding, but it is a truth carried down throughout the centuries.

3. I still don't understand why it takes men 30 minutes to take a dump. Probably because that's when we do all of our thinking.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 6:40:00 PM, Blogger Rainman said...

Nikki you are the shiznet girl!

Dam I was tired just reading all that stuff you did. And I do like the Dukes of Hazzard Driving description " Ran out the door and drove like the devil, slinging gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air." Yee ha! Get some! And probably in a mini van to boot!

Oh and in his defence, him wanting some just means that he feels better. Although guys could have sex no matter what. Example, just in a terrible car crash, both arms are severed and you bend over in front of him to pick up his bloody stumps. All he's thinking about is he's gonna want get some before he dies.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 7:01:00 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

The wanting to get some before he dies... yeah, I can see that reasoning. I would love to get me some right before I go.

You women complain about the fact that we always want some. But look at the alternative.

If we stop wanting any action from you, then you are going to wonder what is wrong. Then it's, "Oh my God, he doesn't want any from me. Maybe he's not attracted to me. Maybe he thinks my butt is too big. Maybe he's screwing around with that filthy whore of a receptionist of his. THAT'S IT! HE'S FUCKING SOMEONE ELSE!"

Be thankful your hubby still wants to boink you. It's a good thing.

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 7:34:00 PM, Blogger Lucky said...

BUSTED!

LMAO...

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 9:05:00 PM, Blogger Rhonda said...

Okay,first I had to catch my breath after laughing my ass off. Then, I had to get over learning you iron the baby's clothes. My God, you ARE superwoman!

 
At Thursday, June 22, 2006 10:02:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Smokin - Welcome to my little corner of hell!

No, he didn't get any that night. I got pissed off and went and blogged all about it. LOL

Boinking isn't usually an issue with us. We are both grown, married (to each other - that's an important point LOL) and enjoy each others company - Plus - I'M FIXED and we have a happy, healthy boinking life. It just pissed me off that I'm half dead and all he can think about is third leg.

Admiral - I have totally grasped the concepts of one and two. Really. Not kidding. I got that.

Number 3 is also confusing for me. I blogged all about that a while back.

"I nearly wet my cat fur" Yeah my hubby was wanting...never mind.

Lucky - Welcome! Yeah, he's busted. Sucks to be him right now LOL

Rain Man - That driving description was actually a line from an old country song I used to listen to with my dad when I was a little kid. "I was making my way out to LA. Tooling along in my Chevrolet. Tokin' on a number and digging on the radio" The song goes on to describe how his tire was flat, went in to a little bar and almost got his but whipped by the guys in the bar. He ran out to his car they ran after him and he chased 'em around with his car and had them running around "like their heads were on fire and their asses was catchin" and made his get away "slingin' gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air"
I can't for the life of me remember who sings it.

Rhonda - Don't be impressed with the ironing the baby clothes thing. The only reason I did it was because the were on the couch bundled up in little balls with the laundry that I put away that evening. It had to be done. His little outfit looked like it had gotten shot with the wrinkle gun. LOL

 
At Friday, June 23, 2006 11:29:00 AM, Blogger Azrael75 said...

Yeah....that sort of does sound like a typical guy.

 
At Saturday, June 24, 2006 4:58:00 PM, Anonymous Beki said...

You DEFINITELT need to come and meet me, your long lost relation, to recline on a decadent bed surrounded by rugby players ;o)

Or there's always my hammock...

 
At Saturday, June 24, 2006 11:03:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Azreal - Welcome! Your name brings back memories of the cat from the Smurfs! LOL

And yes, how typically male!

Beki - Welcome! I knew you looked familiar! You must be my long lost cousin (being from the south I have a million of those)That my Uncle Merle whisked away to live in the lap of luxury!! How I have missed you! (hugs - checks out your jewelry)

Okay! Enough with the making nicey-nicey. When do we go to the Rugby match?

LOL

 
At Sunday, June 25, 2006 2:06:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Oh my God.

I would have handed him the Jergens lotion and the old lady bra and granny support panty section of the Sears catalog (No Victoria's Secret catalogs hiding around here).

;-)

 
At Sunday, June 25, 2006 2:20:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Attila - GRANNY SUPPORT PANTY SECTION! hhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa SNORT SNORT

 
At Sunday, June 25, 2006 4:34:00 PM, Blogger happykat said...

I have issues with clumsiness. Especially when I'm tired, want to sleep, and can't get away from hungry hands. Sometimes my elbows just connect with facial tissue when I'm trying to be so careful. It's a curse.

 
At Sunday, June 25, 2006 6:30:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Happykat - I've heard of people that are clumsy like that.

I may develope that particular disorder myself.

Elbows huh - (laughs wickedly)

 
At Monday, June 26, 2006 2:18:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

I worked as an orderly in a hospital for 6 years and I always, ALWAYS rather take care of a woman than a man...men are babies.

 
At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:15:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kevin - You said it!

A headache and feeling sick to his stomach. PA - leese.

That's how I get during PMS - and he doesn't see me propped up in bed.

Sometimes he practically begs me to kick his ass.

 
At Saturday, July 01, 2006 9:18:00 AM, Blogger Richmond said...

It's definitely not just your Hubby. All men are like that in my experience...

Funny stuff though. :)

 
At Saturday, July 01, 2006 11:45:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Richmond - Welcome! ALL OF THEM? Why don't we just shoot them now and save ourselves a whole lota problems and worry. LOL

 

Post a Comment

<< Home