Friday, January 26, 2007

Fear Me

I'm not a serial killer...but my brother's name is Jason.

Does it matter that I have a chainsaw?

No, no. Really. I'm not kidding. My father-in-law (who I love to death) gave us two of them...expressly for me. (I'm's just what I always wanted.)

One is dead (the chainsaw smarty pants, not the father in law and no, it wasn't me who killed it) and we use it for parts for the other chainsaw that is exactly like it. They are terriblely old. Apparently, they are the same ones that Charles and his brother Brian used as kids. From what I understand, the chainsaw that I use is the exact same one that Brian used when he was a kid...and damn near cut his leg off with. (I don't know about you...but I'm comforted by that thought.)

Now, I can swing an ax. I don't LIKE swinging the ax, but I can if I need to, which is silly really, 'cause if I need some wood cut I just send Charles to do it for me (he he he). But every once in a while, we need big pieces for Charles to chop up into little pieces and I now have my trusty rusty chainsaw to help (I'm a good bitch for helping- what can I say).

The first time I used it....I felt empowered. I AM WOMAN!!!! WATCH ME VIBRATE!!!! Okay, maybe "empowered" isn't the correct word...I felt...abused. Yeah, that's the word...abused. (the thought of me being abused while I vibrate is probably giving a couple of you your jollies - do NOT bookmark this page if that is the case - thanks)

You know, I had always thought that using a chainsaw had to be easy. You just lay that bad boy on the log and let it do it's thing right? Well, don't tell Charles...but I was wrong. (I would lose a bet that I don't plan on losing...and I would really mess you up if you told). You gotta push that thing into the wood. You gotta work to make it work. You gotta pray that the tree you're getting ready to chop up is dry enough to make the cutting easier (oak is a nightmare btw, and that's mostly what we have).


MOMMY! IT HURTS. Please make me a really big heating pad...nevermind...I'll throw a body suit in the microwave and save you some trouble.

No wonder Charles is toothpick skinny. I mean, if I painted his head red, he'd look like a match...and I say that with love and not an ounce of jealousy or envy (cough).

Who needs the gym when you go tramping around in the woods on a weekly basis cuttin' up trees, loading the pieces in the truck, driving back to the house, choppin' em up and then stackin' em?

Answer? NO ONE.

All that is needed is A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF PAIN MEDS and a microwaved body suit...and hot showers...and massages because you're sore...and pity from your significant other...and chocolate...and sleeping in because you're sore and it should help the body get all better....

Damn, I gotta do this every weekend!!! This is the BOMB!

Or maybe I should open my own business...a retreat for the wealthy and over priviledged to come and experience some real those ranches you hear about (like the one on City Slickers with Billy Crystal). Or I can always kidnap a couple of hunky, muscular mid 20's men and have them do it for me....

HMMMMMM Decisions, decisions.



At Saturday, January 27, 2007 6:37:00 AM, Anonymous Annie Drogynous said...

So what are you trying to say? That your life is like an '80s slasher film?! I don't think I can recall ever seeing a slasher film where the psycho main character was a girl who used an ax or chainsaw but it might work! Maybe it could be like The Rocky Horror Picture Show and we can bring props with us!!

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 8:50:00 AM, Anonymous Sayre said...

When I was a wee lass, our house didn't have heat or ac, so at the ripe old age of 7, I learned how to swing an axe. My father was a big strong guy who made cutting wood look easy, but I was just a slip of a girl. I had to rely on finesse. I got really, really good at it - to the point where I could out-chop my father and all my brothers.

I am thinking of putting those skills to work again in my back yard, where I have several trees that need to be felled.

Just call me LumberJill.

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 11:52:00 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

Life is a box of Chocolates with you...

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 1:39:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do just about everything but I have never used a chainsaw. I have to say I'm pretty intrigued by that whole vibrate thing. Is this post in conjuction with that girl's night out post?

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 4:29:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hehehe...this entry was too damn funny. I think that the pain meds, hot water for baths and the rubber suit still come out to be cheaper then the membership to the gym. That's a kick in the head. You should totally open up that business. :P Have a great weekend!

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 4:37:00 PM, Anonymous quinn said... did create quite the visual for my dirty little mind during those first few paragraphs loll lol lol.

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 6:02:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

You know, you take the joy of mocking you from reading your own post when you do it for us in the blog entry....

Come on, vibrating women who feel abused and sore? I'm sure you know how many places we can go with that....

stop taking the fun out of mocking you...

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 9:21:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

I'll just sit back and watch k ?

At Saturday, January 27, 2007 10:08:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the first time, I think I'll just second Carm. Heh.

At Sunday, January 28, 2007 9:35:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chainsaws, uhmm....///
Nikki, to take your mind off chainsaws, I have taggged you. so there!

At Sunday, January 28, 2007 1:49:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Annie - I never watche the Rocky Horror Picture Show....and no bringing your own props...God only knows what you'd bring.

Sayre - I'll send Charles to help. That man can cut down a tree....but you might want to move your cars first.

Pend - Don't tell.

Chicky - no, this isn't in conjunction with that post...I doubt I would have been invited back if I had shown up with a chainsaw.

Shrig - they kick you in the head at the gym?

Quinn - bad Quinn, BAD

Carm - LOL

Kim - you could at least stack the wood.

OTJ - are you sick?

Me - Revenge is mine!

At Monday, January 29, 2007 9:31:00 AM, Anonymous nikki said...

did you just say vibrator and lots of pain meds in the same paragraph? wow lady, you're havin' way too much fun with your girly party purchases. you need to slow down!

At Monday, January 29, 2007 3:07:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I split wood loaded the wood stove and stacked it up ten feet!


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