I've Been Gotten

My evil wench daughter knows all about revenge. I've taught her well it seems. Unfortunately, I'm the one she has gotten revenge against.

Damn it.

Me - Connor! Give Mommy kisses.

Connor - No!

Lauren - Say "EEEEWWWWWWWW" Connor!!!

Me - Lauren, don't do that. You'll teach it to him!

Lauren - *giggling* I know She turned back to her homework still giggling.

I rolled my eyes and smirked. "She has no idea how hard headed this kid is. He won't say it just to spite her." I thought to myself, and turned my attention back to the little kid entering his terrible two's who was currently rolling around on the floor giggling from my tickling fingers.

Me - Come ooooonnnnnn Connnnnerrrrrr! I sing-songed and tickled while he wriggled and giggled and tried to get away.

Connor - No Mommy! No!

Me - PLLLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE!! Mommies need kisses from little babies.

Lauren - Say "EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" Connor! Lauren said giggling.

Me - Blond child! (meaning Lauren) I'm gonna put you in the head lock. Lauren giggled and stuck her tongue out at me and turned back to her homework. She was having trouble immersing herself in the wild adventures and undiscovered territory of Ponce DE Leon.

I looked at Connor who had curled up in a protective ball to keep my probing fingers away from his belly, but it wasn't very effective in keeping me away from his ribs, feet and back. I paused for a minute - the poor kid was having a hard time catching his breath. I let him get a couple of good breaths and I walked my fingers up his back and watched him squirm.

Me - Coooonnnnnneeeerrrrrrr. Mommy really needs a kiss. Why don't you give Mommy all of your baby kisses. I couldn't help but laugh. He was curled up in a ball face down with his forehead on the floor and was squirming so hard I was afraid he was going to get rug burn on his face.

Connor - No MOMMY! *giggles* No! EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Icky Mommy! Yuck! *giggles*

Lauren jumped out of her chair with a resounding YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! and did a victory dance singing "oh yeah. Uh hu. Oh yeah. Icky Mommy. Nice and yucky. oh yeah. that's right. I said it. Can't stop it. I got it. You can't have it. Oh yeah." ...and just for your visual of her - she was dancing like an Egyptian and snapping her fingers with a pencil behind her ear and a piece of apple in her mouth.

I looked at Lauren "I'll get you later Shrimp." I said with mock menace. "Do your homework" and turned back to Connor who was watching his sister grove like she'd been taised. I picked him up and buried my face in his little neck and nibbled.

Me - Connor. I want my kisses, and I want them now little baby. I said softly.

Connor - *giggling* EWWW Mommy. No. No kiss. No.

Lauren - *snicker* I told you.

What in the hell do you say to that?

I was in my bosses office talking with him about a client. Bossguy was sitting, I was standing - standing very innocently I might add, with my hand in my pockets.

I bent over his desk to get a better look at his computer screen.

"Hey Bossguy, can I use your mouse?"

"You can't touch my mouse Nikki. I'm a married man."

Well Damn

I'm a very happily married woman. I love my hubby deeply, but I enjoy looking. Why? Because I'm human that's why. I'm not dead. There's nothing wrong with looking at the menu as long as I don't order anything, and to be honest, it's a rare day when any man makes me take an extra long look, I'm just picky like that.

Every once in a blue moon,I see a man and think to myself "WOW. Must have a little pinky to be such a fine man." But I have been known to occasionally act like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy".

I'm sure if it were someone else doing this crap I'd laugh...okay, I laugh too, I can't help it. Some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth sometimes is so damn embarrassing, I can't help but to crack up while turning so red in the face, I look purple.

Classic example:

A couple of months ago, I had a client come in my office. My first thought was "WOW! You are one FINE man. Please don't be stupid and ruin it." Well, he wasn't stupid. I could only trip over my words and look like a dumbass. He came back after a couple of weeks - with no appointment, so I was unprepared for his visit. I had no time to "Psych myself up". I walked into the lobby to meet an unknown client asking for me and it was him.

His shirt clinging to his chest and hair spiked with sweat, shorts, and I'm prepared to swear in a court of law that he wasn't wearing underwear, or he stuffs his Haines. He looked at me and I looked at him and the first thing that popped into my head is what came out of my mouth. "You look HOT." I wish I could say that it was said innocently, but I oh so cleverly included hand gestures while nodding my head in a way that made it unmistakable what I meant. A far cry from the usual hand shake and mundane greeting of "Mr So-and-so, it's good to see you." don't you think?

Oh yeah, I was embarrassed as hell. My eyes immediately bugged out of my head, I gasped, and my hands flew up to cover my face 'cause I could already feel the burn in my cheeks. The burn spread ALL OVER my face - even my chin (has you CHIN ever blushed?) and I doubled over and laughed hysterically while fumbling for the words to try and explain.

From behind my hands I tried to talk to him. "I mean, you look like you've been working out. NO!! I mean that you look really sweaty. NO! OH GOD NO!! I meant that your shirt is sticking to you and... OH MY GOD!!!!! NOT LIKE THAT! NOT LIKE THAT!!! I only meant that - OH GOD!!!!!!" I was to embarrassed to go on.

I was still bent double and all of the sudden realized that I had a rather low cut blouse on that day - modest enough when I was standing up straight, but I wasn't standing up straight was I? He was getting a show while I talked about how hot he looked. (Now THAT's professionalism at it's best right there. Don't deny it.)

I stood up so quickly it must have looked like I was having a seizure.

I tried to regain my composure. I took my hands down from my face, put the death grip on my pants to keep them there, looked him square in the neck - and apologized in a most professional manner while my face glowed a lovely deep purple. I must have looked like some sort of weird bug.

"Mr. So-and-so. I am terribly sorry for any misunderstanding. It was not my intention to offend you in any way, shape, form or fashion. I apologize profusely for my unprofessional behavior and can only hope that you will except my apology."

He graciously accepted my apology - all the while grinning like the cat who ate the canary and ribbed me endlessly the whole time he was in my office. When he left he said "I'll tell my wife you said 'Hello'"

Greaaaaat. I'm looking forward to that call....or visit.

Hey Good Lookin! What Cha Got Cookin?

I can't cook.

Well, that's a lie. I can cook. You can eat it and everything, you just wouldn't want to repeat the experience, and you need to make sure you use someone else's taste buds. I mean, it won't kill you, but the severe, seizure like convulsions that you get after partial digestion just might.

I've never really liked the kitchen or anything to do with the kitchen. Except for good food - which means I can't be the one cooking it and that's okay with me.

Charles is a master in the kitchen. He can go in with no idea of what we're having for dinner and serve up something that will make you sit up and beg for it to be low cal which of course never happens. We call it cupboard cooking. He just throws something together and it automatically tastes heavenly.

Me, on the other hand. Whoa Nelly. I've tried the old cupboard cooking a couple of times. Ummm, it didn't work out to well. The first time I served up some sort of gray noodle concoction that I think could possibly be illegal on all 50 states as a deadly weapon. Lauren, who was about 4 at the time, was grossed out. "Mommy, do I have to eat this?" Hint taken. Thanks kid. Now let me tell you the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and oh, the Boogie Man is real. Sweet dreams.

The second time I tried it was some sort of hamburger noodle thingy with cheese. Sounds slightly interesting doesn't it. Kind-a like hamburger Helper. Well, don't let me fool you. The dog wouldn't eat it. Really. The DOG wouldn't eat it. Seems he didn't care for the cup of red pepper I mistakenly dumped in it. WHAT? The top was loose damn it, and I managed to get most of it out. STOP LAUGHING. (the old salt shaker trick - I think Charles was trying to sabotage me)

Would you like to hear about my biscuits? Sure you would, because hearing about them is far better than eating them. Let me just tell you that no amount of butter, jam, preserves, margarine, or WATER could introduce moisture to those things. I threw them out my back door, hit a dog and he YELPED and RAN LIKE HELL. I didn't mean to hit the dog. My dog was inside, I didn't know he was there - but needless to say, he hasn't been back. I hope I didn't break a bone or anything. He wouldn't come to me when I called - and really - can you blame him? Thank God they didn't have points on them or anything, I could have killed him. But then again, I could have made a lot of money selling them as crafty NINJA STARS.

I have however, managed to learn how to cook a few things to keep starvation at bay. I have listed them for you below.

1. Canned soup is good
2. Uh, canned soup - What?! - there are lots of vitamins and shit in there. It's good for you. No damn it, I don't want to hear about the MSG and sodium. In my world, we need vast quantities of those too.
3. Fresh fruit
4. Fresh vegetables
5. HUH? what was that? Don't give me that crap that they don't count. Sure they do, we eat them don't we? Some preparation is involved - you know - like washing and peeling and sometimes I even have to cut them up. Besides, they have to count, I don't have anything else to put on this list........ OH WAIT!
6. BREAD - HA HA! thought of one.
7. uh - SANDWICHES - ha ha That's yummy goodness right there.

......I can hear you snickering.

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This post was done because I lost a bet with hubby. Yes, I'm a terrible cook, I freely admit it. All the above stories are true - except for the part about hitting the dog, I had a neighbor do that one. It was part of the bet that I divulge my terrible cooking skills if I lost. I do know how to cook more than the list above, but the humor just seemed to go well with the rest of the post, so I put it in. Hope you all have a great weekend.