Monday, June 26, 2006

Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Chew Vigorously

How I love caller ID - to bad it doesn't work all the time. I like to sneak a peak at who's calling to shoot the breeze.

My friends and family call to chit chat and of course I answer the phone in a very smart ass way designed to shock you and make you giggle. ie:

"Nikki's slave shack - what cha want?"

Well, on one particular occasion, I had a friend of mine get a new phone number that wouldn't pop on my caller ID for some reason or another, she was gonna call me and chew the fat and go over a couple or three things about some arrangements we were making.

The phone rings - I pick it up - "Nikki's house of pain - do you want me to beat the shit out of you?"


My bible beating, Christian to the core Mother in law responded

"Not today thank you"

and hung up the phone.

I swore I would never answer the phone that way again. Yes, I despise her, but I never EVER want to put Charles in a situation where she can complain to him about me.

I did it to her again 1 year later.

"Nikki's Organ Transplant station - I'm gonna cut your ass up"

"I don't think so" she says and hung up.

Charles won't let me answer the phone any more. He says I'm setting a bad example for the kids.

Damn kill joy.

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At Monday, June 26, 2006 10:47:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...


Wow, and here I thought I was the only one that answers the phone with weird says, like:

"Joe's morgue. You stab'em, we slab'em. You kill, we chill'em. Fred speaking....."

Although I have many more tame ones, like Vinnie''s pizza. Actually that one occassionally the Mrs sister has hung up thinking wrong number....which is even more amusing than just shocking them.

Of course, then there is the "can I speak to (the mrs). Which usually has the response of "no, I have her tied up to the bed at the moment, can you call back later..." which is usually the time teh mrs wrestles the phone out of my hands.....

At Monday, June 26, 2006 11:00:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carm - HA! I did something similiar to that to Jason when we were still in high school. His long time girlfriend called and asked to speak to him...

"I'm sorry, Jason can't come to the phone right now, he's taking a shit."

. . . . Well, he was.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 12:34:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

I am totally stealing:

"Nikki's house of pain - do you want me to beat the shit out of you?"

That is just the best thing I have ever heard. Ever.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 2:54:00 AM, Blogger jackt said...

You are HILARIOUS. And brave. :)

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:07:00 AM, Blogger Pete said...


oh that made me chuckle.

But then if she's a bible beating christian - she deserves it.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:24:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kristin - Steal it! Spread the love. he he

Jack - thank you dear. Exposure to my husband has appropriately warped me (notice how I blame him for something that is not his fault - I'm SO good at that. LOL)

Pete - Welcome! Believe me when I say, she deserves a lot more than that, but I would be incarcerated if I gave her what she deserves. LOL

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:42:00 AM, Blogger happykat said...

K's kill 'em, we fill 'em.

I once answered the phone with naughty talk thinking it was my hubby when in fact it was my MIL. I was mortified, but at least she called my her honey afterward.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:57:00 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I remember once pretending that I was our answering machine and saying 'We can not come to the phone right now because we are having wild passionate sex on the kitchen table or in the backyard...' ooops... it was my Dad on the other line... not my gal pal...
A moment to make my Daddy proud!

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:07:00 AM, Blogger Anna said...

You've inspired me!

I can feel a crank answering service coming on...

When salespeople phone wanting to sell double glazing or mobile phones or whatever, my dad tends to just gently put the reciever next to the phone and walk away, letting them talk to themselves... he says he's sick of them not taking no for an answer.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 10:18:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Happykat - HA! I'm stealing that one...if Charles ever lets me get near the phone again. I swear you crack me up.

Pendullum - Welcome! HAAAAAAAAAA! That is sooooo funny! I did something similar to that once, also with the Horror in law - I thought it was Charles and I answered the phone "You delicious bastard! When ya comin home?"

Anna - Welcome! Father in law does that as well. It's sooo funny. You can hear them "HELLO? HELLLLOOOO? IS ANYBODY THERE?" ((snicker))

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 12:01:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

you kill me ! your horror-in-law sounds like a fun one to screw with *evil laugh*

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 12:13:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Foot tastes better with salt and ketchup.

I have eaten mine many times over, but unfortunately, the damn things keep growing back.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 12:46:00 PM, Blogger Rainman said...

I do voices. Everything from Spanish in my Pablo voice to Habib in my Arabic voice and then there is my favorite combo voice. Its part Scottish/English and Irish. Ello... whos calling please? Speak up are you daft? Scuse me mate?

When I get "unknown" which is usually someone trying to sell me something i dont want I use the Arabic voice and speak in terrible broken arbabic sounding BS that I make up as I go. They usually dont last long on that one before they hang up.

My wifes friends only call her on her Cell now because it drives them nuts when I answer and they arnt sure if they have the right number or not. Go figure.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 1:00:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

I learned early by once answering "Honey's Whorehouse", thinking it was a friend.

It turned out to be my mom's boss the Bishop. gak.

You're a menace, Nikki!

Have a cookie on me! ;-)

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 1:21:00 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

I am LAUGHING, LAUGHING at Horror In Law and the fact that you got her twice. Ha! I think Charles should let you answer the phone all. the. time.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 1:33:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kim - the woman will give you the shivers. Trust me on this.

Misha - LOL

Rain Man - HA! My Horro in law will only call Charles on his cell phone too! I wonder what her problem is? LOL

Attila - THE BISHOP!!!!! HAAAAAAAA! SNORT SNORT You've got me beat - hands down.

Me? a menace? (eyes wide - innocent expression on face) could be right. I'll take a peanut butter cookie please. (GRIN)

Oh, the Joys - She earned her name, believe me. I think he should let me answer the phone all the time too. You'd have thought I have done something wrong. LOL

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 1:44:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Oh, the joys - WELCOME! sorry - I just realized I forgot that. SORRY

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 2:31:00 PM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

LMAO. Now I don't feel so bad.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 2:55:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

a friend once called home and his wife had prepped the 2 year-old to pick up saying "fer shizzle my nizzle." rather priceless i say.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 3:35:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mama - You are not alone. I'm warped too. LOL

Kat - HA! That's to much. I would have sprayed my drink all over everything. LOL

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 4:48:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

Well that will teach them fore wont it! ;o)

Just kidding. Ovbiously she can't take a joke too well. She sounds like my Grandma. She says things like. "Now is that wnyway to talk to someone on the phone young lady?" BAWAAHHHH Of course not Gram... THAT is why I do it. "Well, (pack you bags here is the guilt trip) YOur granfather would be horrified to know you were acting like this!"

(evil laughing...that is why I do it of course)
*Drinks back Vodka and Club soda w/ a lime*

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 5:48:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

TOO funny! LOL.

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 6:36:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

Oh come on...she needs a sense of humor. That's some funny shit.

My personal favorite is "Bob's Used Chickens. We pluck 'em, you fuck 'em. Bob here..."

At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 6:56:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Superstar - if that don't learn her nothin' will (can't get much more redneck than that answer now can you LOL)

Les - I thought they were funny myself. To her, it just shows her how far astray I'm leading her son. She just doesn't get it - he likes the trip! LOL

Becka - Welcome! I agree, she needs it BAAAD.

(taping finger on chin) I wonder if it'll help if I MOON her. LOL

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 8:40:00 AM, Blogger Jupiter's Girl said...

Your ass is so funny. Besides this entry, and all the others, the one about your busy day, with a sick mate, who wanted some loving when you thought the day was done was hilarious.

My husband's foreplay: "you gonna give me summa dat?" I mean, really, who could resist that charm?

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 12:17:00 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

If you see a telemarketer come up, just answer like this...

"Tom Cruise here, have you ever considered scientology?"

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 12:18:00 PM, Blogger Christina_the_wench said...

Mooning? *perk* What did I miss?

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 12:45:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Jupiter Girl - Welcome! I'm so glad you didn't say that while I was trying on a pair of jeans. I would have to tackle you. LOL Your hubby's foreplay just reaks of charm! LOL

Steve - good idea. How bout "Tom Cruise here. Can I eat your placenta?" Shortest call in history right there buddy. LOL

Christina - Just contemplating showing HIL my ass! LOL

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 4:03:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

AAAAH! HA HA HA!!!!! You know, I actually gasped, both times!!! That's hysterical.

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 6:08:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Mel - Believe me, I have tried to explain that to my husband but he doesn't seem to think so. He can be so sensitive sometimes. LOL

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 6:12:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

OH.MY.GOD. She did not just say "eat your placenta."

Sick sick sick bastard.

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 7:10:00 PM, Anonymous Jenny said...

That. was. awesome.

At Wednesday, June 28, 2006 8:48:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Becka - Tom Cruise said that, not me. He said after the baby was born his weird ass religion required that he eat the placenta (very disgusting I know). Later he claimed to be "just joking"

Yeah Tom, sure, we believe you.

Jenny - Welcome! Thanks. Stay tuned for more twisted stories!

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 2:03:00 AM, Blogger Anna said...

A guy I know was telling me that he's been trying to get a placenta to eat for ages.

Apparently people keep promising him one, but once they give birth they kind of chicken out.

Not the kind of behaviour I'd expect from a vegan. But then again I guess it's meat you can get without killing something.


At Thursday, June 29, 2006 9:18:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Anna - he wouldn't by any change be a follower of Scientology now would he?


At Thursday, June 29, 2006 9:46:00 AM, Blogger Kate said...

"Nikki's house of pain - do you want me to beat the shit out of you?"

LMAO, oh that is brilliant! I must try it next time I suspect a telemarketer is on the other end.

At Thursday, June 29, 2006 9:56:00 PM, Blogger mollymcmommy said...


I gotta do that to my mother in law when i see her number come up.

love call display, specially when screening my calls.


At Friday, June 30, 2006 10:54:00 AM, Blogger Sven said...

And yet it seems as though the horror in law is exactly the person who needs to be "shocked" in that way.

This is my favorite, "Steve's Septic, we take crap from anyone."

At Friday, June 30, 2006 12:24:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kate - that's one of my favorites as well.((snicker))

Molly - have fun with it. . . torture as many people as possible LOL

Sven - Good to see you stick your head in the door! I'm using the septic tank thing - modified slightly - "Nikki's spetic shop - but I'm still not going to take your crap." LOL Thanks for the idea.

At Friday, June 30, 2006 3:38:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Awww, I just saw you added me to your blogroll. You are a sweetheart. Thanks.

At Saturday, July 01, 2006 12:36:00 AM, Blogger It's okay, Sweetie said...

Okay, I admit. I was skimming this and when I came across you want me to beat the shit out of you? I laughed and SPIT shot out of my mouth and onto the computer screen.

So I had to back up and read from the begining. Then when I got to ...I'm gonna cut your ass up, I laughed so hard I had to go in and tell my husband. Now THAT's fucking funny.

Here from Socceer Mom

At Saturday, July 01, 2006 1:27:00 AM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

NIKKI!!! I'M HOLDING MY SIDES I'M LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD!!! OH MAN....whew...still laughing...that was excellent, most excellent.


At Saturday, July 01, 2006 2:57:00 AM, Blogger Me said...

Nicki, nicki, nicki
You are just AWESOME !
And i SO missed you.
I am stealing those greetings!

At Saturday, July 01, 2006 10:37:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Les - Thanks - I've got you so fooled

It's okay - Welcome! Just don't let your husband tell my husband about that I'm gettin' more ideas from this page. I'll be tin twuble.

Kevin - (bowing and flourishing) Thank you my dear.

Me - It's good to see you! I thought you had abandoned us. Work must be really keeping you busy. Steal away, and try to corrupt as many people as possible.;D


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