Mailer Damon

Dear Friends and Family (no, this isn't a phone commercial)

OMG

Please stop sending me those damn emails asking me to tell you a little bit about myself.

I've been good and participated a couple of times. I've told you I like broccoli (no cheese), corn on the cob (not that creamed corn shit) and how much I love a baked potato piled high with crap you're not supposed to eat. I've told you how much I hate - do you hear me? - HATE onions, tomatoes and mushrooms.

My favorite color is what ever color I feel like wearing today.

My favorite shirt is which ever one I feel like wearing today.

My favorite pants are the ones that are so old and pitiful looking I wouldn't want to wear them in public but feel like silk against my skin.

My nickname is Nikki, it is the name I go by. There are only a few people who still call me Angela (my given name) because that's the way it is. I don't have to explain it to you.

I have 1 dog, 3 cats and two goldfish.

I am still happily married and have been for 8 1/2 years, we've been together for 10.

My favorite TV show is HOUSE - because I like the main character, he makes me laugh, though I seldom watch it because working full time, having two kids, the above mentioned pets barely leaves me time to fart, much less watch TV. Don't ask about my favorite movies, because I see 1 about every three months, I really don't have much of a basis for comparison.

I prefer chocolate cake to ice cream (though they are great in tandem).

My real hair color is mud brown. My eyes are SHIT brown, and I don't have any piercing other than those in my ears. I did have my belly button pierced at one time but I took it out and let it heal.

I've been to a Sammy Kershaw concert and an Allen Jackson concert. Yes, I was a rebel and brushed my teeth and used deodorant for both events, unlike some of the folks there.

Yes I graduated high school.

No, I do not have a degree though I did attend college for a while.

Yes, I like George Carlin and Robin Williams, but also enjoy some of the lesser known comedians because they're funny too.

I have lived in a lot of different places. Please don't make me list them because I have better things to do than to try and remember if I lived on Pineview Dr or Longview Rd in the spring of 1987.

My hobbies are reading, hiking, practical joking my husband and making baby blankets to give to the NICU at my local hospital. Don't give me any shit about how you can't understand how I can sit down and make baby blankets. I've never asked you to understand, I've never tried to explain, just like you have never tried to explain to me why some of you are wasting valuable oxygen, and I'll never understand that.

I am otherwise craft handicap, please don't send me anymore cute ass patterns to make shit with cause it always ends up looking like the dog got to the damn thing after I finished with it, when in reality, he has never touch it.

My favorite type of car is the one that is paid off, runs well, has good gas mileage, the brakes don't squeak, has a clean, unbroken, cracked or other wise undamaged windshield, has both side mirrors and a rearview mirror, comes equipped with seat belts, a good radio, heating and air conditioning, and has low insurance premiums - seats are not required smart ass. I don't give a shit about the year, make, model or color. It could be primer color for all I care and as long as it meets my listed requirements, I'd still drive it. I'm sorry if you're a car snob and this bothers you, but you don't pay my bills and can go play with yourself for all I care - don't condescend to me.

The real thing that pisses me off about these things is that if you feel the need to send these stupid emails to me, you don't know me at all and you shouldn't have my friggin email address anyway.(how in the hell did you get it anyway?)

I tried not responding hoping you would get the clue. I have tried sending you responses that were funny, but if you read between the lines, you have realized I was serious and was trying to tell you to stop sending me that crap with out creating hard feelings.

Here's a revolutionary idea for you. Just ask me if you want to know. Shoot me an email saying something like:

Hey Nikki, we haven't gotten together in a while and I've been thinking about you and wanted to drop you a line. I really don't have that much to say, but wanted you to know that I miss hanging out with you. Oh BTW do you like broccoli?