Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mailer Damon

Dear Friends and Family (no, this isn't a phone commercial)


Please stop sending me those damn emails asking me to tell you a little bit about myself.

I've been good and participated a couple of times. I've told you I like broccoli (no cheese), corn on the cob (not that creamed corn shit) and how much I love a baked potato piled high with crap you're not supposed to eat. I've told you how much I hate - do you hear me? - HATE onions, tomatoes and mushrooms.

My favorite color is what ever color I feel like wearing today.

My favorite shirt is which ever one I feel like wearing today.

My favorite pants are the ones that are so old and pitiful looking I wouldn't want to wear them in public but feel like silk against my skin.

My nickname is Nikki, it is the name I go by. There are only a few people who still call me Angela (my given name) because that's the way it is. I don't have to explain it to you.

I have 1 dog, 3 cats and two goldfish.

I am still happily married and have been for 8 1/2 years, we've been together for 10.

My favorite TV show is HOUSE - because I like the main character, he makes me laugh, though I seldom watch it because working full time, having two kids, the above mentioned pets barely leaves me time to fart, much less watch TV. Don't ask about my favorite movies, because I see 1 about every three months, I really don't have much of a basis for comparison.

I prefer chocolate cake to ice cream (though they are great in tandem).

My real hair color is mud brown. My eyes are SHIT brown, and I don't have any piercing other than those in my ears. I did have my belly button pierced at one time but I took it out and let it heal.

I've been to a Sammy Kershaw concert and an Allen Jackson concert. Yes, I was a rebel and brushed my teeth and used deodorant for both events, unlike some of the folks there.

Yes I graduated high school.

No, I do not have a degree though I did attend college for a while.

Yes, I like George Carlin and Robin Williams, but also enjoy some of the lesser known comedians because they're funny too.

I have lived in a lot of different places. Please don't make me list them because I have better things to do than to try and remember if I lived on Pineview Dr or Longview Rd in the spring of 1987.

My hobbies are reading, hiking, practical joking my husband and making baby blankets to give to the NICU at my local hospital. Don't give me any shit about how you can't understand how I can sit down and make baby blankets. I've never asked you to understand, I've never tried to explain, just like you have never tried to explain to me why some of you are wasting valuable oxygen, and I'll never understand that.

I am otherwise craft handicap, please don't send me anymore cute ass patterns to make shit with cause it always ends up looking like the dog got to the damn thing after I finished with it, when in reality, he has never touch it.

My favorite type of car is the one that is paid off, runs well, has good gas mileage, the brakes don't squeak, has a clean, unbroken, cracked or other wise undamaged windshield, has both side mirrors and a rearview mirror, comes equipped with seat belts, a good radio, heating and air conditioning, and has low insurance premiums - seats are not required smart ass. I don't give a shit about the year, make, model or color. It could be primer color for all I care and as long as it meets my listed requirements, I'd still drive it. I'm sorry if you're a car snob and this bothers you, but you don't pay my bills and can go play with yourself for all I care - don't condescend to me.

The real thing that pisses me off about these things is that if you feel the need to send these stupid emails to me, you don't know me at all and you shouldn't have my friggin email address anyway.(how in the hell did you get it anyway?)

I tried not responding hoping you would get the clue. I have tried sending you responses that were funny, but if you read between the lines, you have realized I was serious and was trying to tell you to stop sending me that crap with out creating hard feelings.

Here's a revolutionary idea for you. Just ask me if you want to know. Shoot me an email saying something like:

Hey Nikki, we haven't gotten together in a while and I've been thinking about you and wanted to drop you a line. I really don't have that much to say, but wanted you to know that I miss hanging out with you. Oh BTW do you like broccoli?

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At Saturday, July 08, 2006 11:57:00 AM, Blogger Pendullum said...

I absolutely loved that!!!!
My heart was racing at the whole indignation of it all...
You forgot to mention that at the end of all these form letters there is a curse if you do not complete it and send it to 10 of your absolute best friends...
I am raising a lighter up in the air and singing along with you Nikki.."We shall overcome!"

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 1:40:00 PM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

I've got saved in a very handy place for all those stoopid "If you send this email to 4 friends you'll win a free (insert goody here)!" emails.

Then I zip it back to the sender.

I get so tired of it all....

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 1:44:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

glad to know that you don't ever respond to ridiculous questions. oh, and how do you make the baby blankets? knit? crochet? sewing? inquiring minds want to know...or at least this one is mildly curious.

hey, didn't you have a different post last night? i'm feeling a little lost here.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 1:50:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...


I have go to be one cursed mo fo because I always delete those.

Attila - I'll have to look into I've never heard of that. Thanks!

Kat - yeah, there was a different one here. I looked at it this morning and decided, there are somethings you guys just don't need to know about me.

I crochet. I'm alright. I wouldn't win any awards or anything.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 2:59:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

Most people know better than to send me crap. The return snark leaves them feeling not so good....

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 8:27:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Carm - somehow, that doesn't shock me about you (snicker)

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 9:22:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

Good for you on the baby blankets. My son got one at our hospital when he was in the NICU. It was very appreciated. I hate all those messages that people forward and ask you to pass along. I don't. I totally ignore them. I'm like that.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 9:36:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Les - thanks. My son was also in the NICU and got a blanket. That's how I got started on giving to them instead of just people I know.

I ignore those emails as well. They piss me off.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 9:44:00 PM, Anonymous nikki m. said...

i almost woke my son up from laughing so hard. i loved it! my mother in law is the queen of sending those emails. that and those ones where you have to add a bunch of numbers, get an end number and it's supposed to match your personality. i'm lucky if i can count all my fingers and toes!

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 9:56:00 PM, Blogger carmachu said...

*takes a bow* if you all need me to shoo people away with snark, LMK....happykat wil be glad to give you references.....

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 10:10:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Nikki - you didn't say or refer to . . MATH did you? I suck at math. To me 2+2=22 LOL

Carm - I will definately keep you in mind.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 10:15:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

i HEAR you on the car issue
and I so so so want to send this post to all my random relatives who sent me emails like that!

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 11:13:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

well, if makes you feel better i have absolutely no idea what your former post was. i've been trying, too. ah, well.

i used to crochet all the time. now i knit, too, since it uses way less yarn. yay crocheting. i used to be on a crusade to make crocheting actually cool. if you ever want to branch out let me know. i refuse to push or nag.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 11:35:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Me - feel free to link to it and send it out, but be ready for the stinky eye from family members.

Kat - LOL - It's driving you crazy cause you can't remember. LOL That's okay.

I haven't really tried to knit for a long time. I did it a bit as a kid and didn't like it and have never really felt the urge to go back to it. I like the crochet thing. It's my comfort zone. I'm currently looking for a double ended hook for a new stitch I found but can't locate one. I'm not one for shopping on line either. I'm just not comfortable with that.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 3:04:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

you mean tunesian crochet? i think i might have tried that once, but decided that it used up wwaaayyyy too much yarn. i've ordered from, btw, and had no problems.

as for knitting, i knit in this slightly warped continental style which is actually quite similar to crochet moves.

making things out of yarn is my zen. ooohhhhhuuuummmmm.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 8:42:00 AM, Anonymous mamatulip said...

The part about your favourite kind of car made me laugh, very hard, which is surprising because I was just woken from a deep sleep by a screaming baby who was chock full o' poo.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 10:18:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kat - I can't remember what kind of stitch it's called, but you use two different skeins of yarn, one for each end of the hook. The pattern looks pretty cool.

Mama - I FEEL YOU ON THE SCREAMING BABY thing. That's how I woke up this morning - poo included.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 11:44:00 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

Well said... my hate for those emails knows no bounds... questions such as: "What color pants are you wearing right now?" & "What is your middle name?"

I delete.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 3:44:00 PM, Blogger St Jude said...

I don't get the emails... just the senders ;0)

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 4:43:00 PM, Blogger Anna said...

I've always wanted to learn to crochet!

I can knit, but I get bored way too quickly so I only tend to do small things.

I guess if I learned, I could crochet small squares and sew them together for a blanket or something.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 4:49:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

Hey Angela, I mean Nikki, Umm...look, I know you don't really even have time to fart, but when you do, what do they smell like? Mine smell like cherry blossoms.
I also was wondering, what's the thing that you like to burp up the most?
Oh...and when you pee, do you like to wipe? or dab? often do you poop? Do you like to poop? Do you ALWAYS poop in the toilet?

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 5:15:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Anna - crocheting small squares and sewing them together is a time honored tradition (not kidding). They're called granny squares and there are literaly hundreds of different patterns for them.

I prefer to crochet simply because it leaves one hand free to reach my gun. LOL

Kevin - the gun is for you. LOL smart ass.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 5:42:00 PM, Anonymous melissa b. said...

yes, but how long did it take you to complete that?


I love the idea, I need to do that since there is one person who always sends me that shit.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 9:56:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Melissa - It took me about 10 mins to pound out. I was rather upset at the time.

At Sunday, July 09, 2006 10:21:00 PM, Blogger Anna said...

You know if I wasn't such a fundamentally lazy arse, I'd be searching for info on how to crochet right now.

It's not that I'm too lazy to search, just to lazy to bother actually learning!

Maybe it will be my project for the autumn semester.

At Monday, July 10, 2006 1:19:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

never heard of that stitch. will have to investigate due to now being intriuged.

At Monday, July 10, 2006 9:03:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

Amen Sista!
My delete finger is very quick.

My one goal in life is not to have a car payment. Right now I drive one of two vehicles on a daily basis that are both paid off and both have air, heat, brakes, mirrows and good windshields. A 96 Ford F150 165,000 miles & 93 Buick Century 65,000 Miles. Still paying on a GMC full size Van. I have less than a year to pay, cross my fingers and toes.

At Monday, July 10, 2006 6:33:00 PM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

But but, how are we ever supposed to get to know you initimately if we don't send you a getting to know you e-mail?!?!?!

At Tuesday, July 11, 2006 10:12:00 AM, Anonymous gratis said...

I hate emails like that. I now refuse to open an email with "FWD:" in the subject line.

I tried that on a couple of the worst offenders. The response? "You can't believe everything you read on the internet"

Oh, and I love to crocet, but can't seem to actually finish

At Tuesday, July 11, 2006 2:48:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

BRAVO!!!! And AMEN!!!!


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