20 Things I Hate

Superstar, I'm so going to track you down and stalk you for this.

1. - Dogs dressed up in dumb little outfits. They look stupid. If God wanted them to wear clothes, they would be born naked. To those people who have those hairless dogs - that's just gross. I'm sorry if you're allergic, but it's gross.

2. - People who don't brush their teeth. When they smile at you it looks like they have brown corn niblets sticking out of their gums. YUCK! Damn man, get some toothpaste. If nothing else, rub a stick on your teeth. I mean, at least do something. White out people - WHITE OUT.

3. - People who refuse to acknowledge they have BO. For all of those people out there who don't wear deodorant, please let me enlighten you. . . YOU FUCKING STINK. Do not try to engage me in conversation because my gag reflex is pretty damn sensitive and I will puke on you. Then you will smell like musty vomit. Hey Kevin - here's today's word - MOIST!

4. - Men who stare at my boobs when we talk. Sorry guys, my nipples are not eyes. They don't blink, they aren't going to wink at you, and they damn sure aren't going to cast "Come hither" looks at you either. My eyes are on my face - my face is on my head. You know, my HEAD - that thing that's located 3 ft above my ass. Accept it and move on.

5. Panty lines. I'm sorry ladies, but if you're wearing tight pants and I can see your panty line - YOU ARE WRONG. I don't want to know what kind of underwear you are wearing. I give two shits if you are doing the granny panty thing or if you're in a bikini kinda mood. That's just sick to me. Get a friggin thong for cryin' out loud and floss your butt.

6. - Women who wear to much jewelry/make-up/perfume. You look like a bunch of over done whores. Really you do. This may be harsh, but it's reality. Oh, and just a clue for you. . . you still stink.

7.- Destruct-O kids. Aka: heathen children running all over the place and tearing shit up. Moms AND DADS - rein your kids in for pete's sake. I have my own kids to deal with and I don't want to deal with yours too. It is blatantly obvious who runs your house. I will be the first one to give you the stinky eye. When you tell your little heathen to "Stop that" "Put that down" and to "Come stand over here and be quiet" mean it for crying outloud. Show him/her that you are the parent. I would much rather listen to him scream bloody murder because he is being brought up correctly rather than to listen to him whine about everything because he's not.

8. - Old bald headed men giving me "THE EYE". How nasty is that. You're ancient, you're bald (sometimes with that yummy comb over) and you walk with your belly a full 2 ft in front of you. Don't even glance my way. You disgust me. I hate your letcherous leers. They give me the heebie jeebies.

9. - Women who wear shorts but don't shave their legs. The hair on your legs is so long - Why don't you just braid it? This is not mainland Europe. If you want to wear shorts and not shave, please go there for the summer where it is more socially acceptable, but be advised, it's nasty over there too. I just don't want you here where I can see you. SKANK.

10.- Men who continually adjust themselves. What is up with that? Are you scared that it might fall off? Is your pubic hair so damn scratchy that you continually have to scratch, adjust, scratch, adjust, or do you have crabs? My advise to you - trim it or see a Dr. - which ever is appropriate.

11. - Loud cell phone talkers - What? Do they want an award for getting a friggin phone call? I don't give a shit if your new Subaru Outback did get hit in the parking lot. And I damn sure don't want to hear about your hernia operation, your eye infection or the fact that your neighbors are assholes. I mean really. If you want everybody to know your business, get a blog.

12. - Inconsiderate smokers. Now first, let me say that I am a smoker. I am a considerate smoker. I fully realize that some people are allergic to smoke and can't be around it and others just choose not to be, and that's okay with me. This is my choice and I don't want to thrust it upon you. It's those fuckers out there that blow smoke into kids' faces and flick cigarette butts in to gas station parking lots that just kill me. YOU'RE SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. I mean damn, can you not fuck with my addiction please? Included in this would be bitchy little non-smokers. Take a flying leap before I ring your neck.

13. - Former smokers - what a bunch of whining little widgets. SHUT UP. Don't try to enlighten me on the dangers of smoking. I'm pushing 32 here and I know already. I'm educated and shit.

14. - People who refer to cussing as "The Language of the Unimaginative" or "low class" FUCK OFF YOU RECTAL SORE. I am a connoisseur of cussin. You have got to have an imagination to use it correctly. I mean, if you wouldn't laugh at something that included the term "scrotumless" - I probably don't want to know you anyway and you can bite my ass.

15. - People who don't use their turn signals. I wasn't aware that they were optional. They are there for a reason - use them. If you have no fingers or they are to short to reach the little stick that is CLOSE AS HELL TO THE STEERING WHEEL to indicate in which direction you wish to go - have your vehicle modified so you can push a little button, or in the case for people with no fingers, they can nub the button.

16. - Moms who don't change their baby's diaper. You have all seen it. That diaper that looks like it could sink the titanic. What a sorry bunch of lazy bitches. That poor baby. You know his/her butt is sore. You are such a lazy shit. You would rather you baby walk/crawl around in their own waste than to get off your fat lazy ass and change a diaper. If those diapers had fingernails, that's exactly how'd they be hanging on. You know it's true. I despise your sorry ass most of all.

17. - Women fighting. There is NOTHING that looks more rediculous than two women whippin up on each other. All that hissin' and pulling hair. It's the dumbest ever.

18. - Emptin' the cat box. Super yuck. It's worse than changing a diaper. At least when I change my son's diaper, he will give me a hug and a kiss. When I empty the cat box, the cat closest to it goes and takes a shit in it as soon as I put it on the floor. It's times like this when there just doesn't seem to be any justice in the universe.

19. - Waking up and hour before the alarm goes off. I CAN NOT go back to sleep to save my life. It pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. It's not like I don't need that extra hour - what's the deal? I'm gonna have to do something about those voices in my head.

20.- Women that continually flip their hair. Hon, you aren't that cute. Don't flip your hair at me. I'll get the scissors and cut all that crap off and you will cry. If you are bent over your desk (either working, or for your boss) and it keeps falling down in your face and you have to do THE FLIP - GET A FRIGGIN HAIR CUT or put your hair up. You probably have split ends out the ass anyway.

K - I'm all done now.

Feel free to fry me on something. The comments are open.