Sunday, July 02, 2006

20 Things I Hate

Superstar, I'm so going to track you down and stalk you for this.

1. - Dogs dressed up in dumb little outfits. They look stupid. If God wanted them to wear clothes, they would be born naked. To those people who have those hairless dogs - that's just gross. I'm sorry if you're allergic, but it's gross.

2. - People who don't brush their teeth. When they smile at you it looks like they have brown corn niblets sticking out of their gums. YUCK! Damn man, get some toothpaste. If nothing else, rub a stick on your teeth. I mean, at least do something. White out people - WHITE OUT.

3. - People who refuse to acknowledge they have BO. For all of those people out there who don't wear deodorant, please let me enlighten you. . . YOU FUCKING STINK. Do not try to engage me in conversation because my gag reflex is pretty damn sensitive and I will puke on you. Then you will smell like musty vomit. Hey Kevin - here's today's word - MOIST!

4. - Men who stare at my boobs when we talk. Sorry guys, my nipples are not eyes. They don't blink, they aren't going to wink at you, and they damn sure aren't going to cast "Come hither" looks at you either. My eyes are on my face - my face is on my head. You know, my HEAD - that thing that's located 3 ft above my ass. Accept it and move on.

5. Panty lines. I'm sorry ladies, but if you're wearing tight pants and I can see your panty line - YOU ARE WRONG. I don't want to know what kind of underwear you are wearing. I give two shits if you are doing the granny panty thing or if you're in a bikini kinda mood. That's just sick to me. Get a friggin thong for cryin' out loud and floss your butt.

6. - Women who wear to much jewelry/make-up/perfume. You look like a bunch of over done whores. Really you do. This may be harsh, but it's reality. Oh, and just a clue for you. . . you still stink.

7.- Destruct-O kids. Aka: heathen children running all over the place and tearing shit up. Moms AND DADS - rein your kids in for pete's sake. I have my own kids to deal with and I don't want to deal with yours too. It is blatantly obvious who runs your house. I will be the first one to give you the stinky eye. When you tell your little heathen to "Stop that" "Put that down" and to "Come stand over here and be quiet" mean it for crying outloud. Show him/her that you are the parent. I would much rather listen to him scream bloody murder because he is being brought up correctly rather than to listen to him whine about everything because he's not.

8. - Old bald headed men giving me "THE EYE". How nasty is that. You're ancient, you're bald (sometimes with that yummy comb over) and you walk with your belly a full 2 ft in front of you. Don't even glance my way. You disgust me. I hate your letcherous leers. They give me the heebie jeebies.

9. - Women who wear shorts but don't shave their legs. The hair on your legs is so long - Why don't you just braid it? This is not mainland Europe. If you want to wear shorts and not shave, please go there for the summer where it is more socially acceptable, but be advised, it's nasty over there too. I just don't want you here where I can see you. SKANK.

10.- Men who continually adjust themselves. What is up with that? Are you scared that it might fall off? Is your pubic hair so damn scratchy that you continually have to scratch, adjust, scratch, adjust, or do you have crabs? My advise to you - trim it or see a Dr. - which ever is appropriate.

11. - Loud cell phone talkers - What? Do they want an award for getting a friggin phone call? I don't give a shit if your new Subaru Outback did get hit in the parking lot. And I damn sure don't want to hear about your hernia operation, your eye infection or the fact that your neighbors are assholes. I mean really. If you want everybody to know your business, get a blog.

12. - Inconsiderate smokers. Now first, let me say that I am a smoker. I am a considerate smoker. I fully realize that some people are allergic to smoke and can't be around it and others just choose not to be, and that's okay with me. This is my choice and I don't want to thrust it upon you. It's those fuckers out there that blow smoke into kids' faces and flick cigarette butts in to gas station parking lots that just kill me. YOU'RE SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. I mean damn, can you not fuck with my addiction please? Included in this would be bitchy little non-smokers. Take a flying leap before I ring your neck.

13. - Former smokers - what a bunch of whining little widgets. SHUT UP. Don't try to enlighten me on the dangers of smoking. I'm pushing 32 here and I know already. I'm educated and shit.

14. - People who refer to cussing as "The Language of the Unimaginative" or "low class" FUCK OFF YOU RECTAL SORE. I am a connoisseur of cussin. You have got to have an imagination to use it correctly. I mean, if you wouldn't laugh at something that included the term "scrotumless" - I probably don't want to know you anyway and you can bite my ass.

15. - People who don't use their turn signals. I wasn't aware that they were optional. They are there for a reason - use them. If you have no fingers or they are to short to reach the little stick that is CLOSE AS HELL TO THE STEERING WHEEL to indicate in which direction you wish to go - have your vehicle modified so you can push a little button, or in the case for people with no fingers, they can nub the button.

16. - Moms who don't change their baby's diaper. You have all seen it. That diaper that looks like it could sink the titanic. What a sorry bunch of lazy bitches. That poor baby. You know his/her butt is sore. You are such a lazy shit. You would rather you baby walk/crawl around in their own waste than to get off your fat lazy ass and change a diaper. If those diapers had fingernails, that's exactly how'd they be hanging on. You know it's true. I despise your sorry ass most of all.

17. - Women fighting. There is NOTHING that looks more rediculous than two women whippin up on each other. All that hissin' and pulling hair. It's the dumbest ever.

18. - Emptin' the cat box. Super yuck. It's worse than changing a diaper. At least when I change my son's diaper, he will give me a hug and a kiss. When I empty the cat box, the cat closest to it goes and takes a shit in it as soon as I put it on the floor. It's times like this when there just doesn't seem to be any justice in the universe.

19. - Waking up and hour before the alarm goes off. I CAN NOT go back to sleep to save my life. It pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. It's not like I don't need that extra hour - what's the deal? I'm gonna have to do something about those voices in my head.

20.- Women that continually flip their hair. Hon, you aren't that cute. Don't flip your hair at me. I'll get the scissors and cut all that crap off and you will cry. If you are bent over your desk (either working, or for your boss) and it keeps falling down in your face and you have to do THE FLIP - GET A FRIGGIN HAIR CUT or put your hair up. You probably have split ends out the ass anyway.

K - I'm all done now.

Feel free to fry me on something. The comments are open.

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At Monday, July 03, 2006 2:53:00 AM, Blogger St Jude said...

I'm with you all the way, were we seperated at birth? Definitely no frying, well only the European thing, here on the island hairy, scary females are as much a taboo as they are over there. It's the 'mainlanders' who go in for that sort of thing, ugh ;0)

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:07:00 AM, Anonymous 40spoet said...

omg. this is my first time here. love the post. i laughed (ever so quietly becuz it is 4am), until the tears rolled down my cheeks. i'd like to add you to my blogroll if that is ok.

hope you have a good weekend. poet

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:50:00 AM, Blogger Raghav said...

man that cracked me up !

At Monday, July 03, 2006 7:45:00 AM, Blogger Rainman said...

If I would have wrote one of these, it would have most of the same issues. With the exception of, No men dont stare at my boobs and I hope old bald men dont check me out.

The teeth thing really gags me big time. I have a coworker who has the one brown smokers tooth. I wanna just give her a huge tube of that whitening toothpaste for her birthday.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 8:02:00 AM, Blogger carmachu said...

I'm with you on many(although a handful dont apply, I mean, if a blad fat guy is giving me leecherous looks, I'm in REAL trouble!)

#3 try being around roleplayer or wargamers. Deoterant is something completely alien to many of them.

#6 Yes, the stink women who were never taugh a little is just enough.

#7 you've seen my stories of being at McDonalds.....

#15 Did you know, in NJ folks really think its turn signals are optional? You can tell because they NEVER use them in that state.

Nice one....

At Monday, July 03, 2006 9:17:00 AM, Anonymous Jenny said...

"My nipples are not eyes."

I think I love you.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 9:58:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said...

I absoloutly adore this entry! I feel exactly the same way about bad teeth, and the diaper thing? Gross!

At Monday, July 03, 2006 11:10:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

St Jude - Sorry 'bout that. I will modify my entry.

40spoet - Welcome! It's just so sad some of the things people do. LOL And by all means, add away.

raghav - Welcome! I'm glad you got a good giggle. Stop by anytime, we need more men floating around here to give their opinions.

Rain Man - If men start checking you out - I want a fully detailed blog entry ASAP. LOL ONE brown smokers tooth? That's just nasty.

Carm - thanks. Again, if men start checking you out - fully detailed blog entry ASAP please. OMG, with your cutting humor, I would LMAO.

Jenny - LOL

Samantha - Welcome! I think we should take a poll of how many of those moms who don't change diapers have brown teeth. LOL

At Monday, July 03, 2006 11:25:00 AM, Blogger Misha said...

LMAO - these are great, Nikki!

The brown teeth thing turns my stomach. You can be the hottest guy in the world, but if you have a fucked up grill, I'm going to give you a card for my dentist before I talk to you.


At Monday, July 03, 2006 11:31:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Misha! - Glad you think so 'cause TAG YOUR IT! Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

At Monday, July 03, 2006 12:12:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

Nikki: I think, yep Kevin is in line ahead of you w/ the strangling...LOL ;o)

#1 is for the "Paris Hilton" wanna be's!!!!
#3 HR tricky...I had a couple of employees that I had to address this with. God there are days that I HATE my job!
#4 Guys this is an important Deal breaker...boobies not EYES!!!
#14 bawaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh LOL ;o) Must be educated to know when it's appropriate to tell your boss or co-workers to F**K off! LOL :o)

Nikki...BTW this is all IAI's fault..She had a gun and...and....
Well she is very persuassive. ;o)

At Monday, July 03, 2006 12:15:00 PM, Blogger Misha said...

Aww shit. ;)

At Monday, July 03, 2006 2:12:00 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

Love it, love it, love it! I particularly hate the baby diaper thing, and the teeth thing, but I really hate when I see babies in soggy diapers, with kool-aid mouth, sticky hair, and grimy little teeth.

I have little kids, my son has worn different shoes and too-small shorts in public (by demand), but he at least looks semi-cared about!

At Monday, July 03, 2006 2:16:00 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

I agree 100% all the way down the line.

I still think, though, that you beat off in the bushes too much; you need to work on directness and saying exactly what you mean.

To hell with you ass and your nipples—what you really need is a big set of brass balls.


Your writing coach

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:02:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Superstar - your response to #3, OMG, why did they send them to you? Couldn't someone in that dept. say something to them? It must be a big company where everyone is concerned about being PC and not hurting each others feelings. I'd never be able to work there. LOL

Misha - HA HA HA - Got chore ass!

Melissa - Welcome! LOL great visual on the kids. I once had to dress my daughter in a dress with pants and sandals with socks to go to the grocery store when she was about 3. I felt like a dork and she pranced around like the queen of sheba. I can relate to what you're saying.

Admiral - YOU HEAR THE VOICES TOO? LOL I'm sorry about the beating off in the bushes thing - I'll try to control myself. LOL ((KISSES))

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:26:00 PM, Blogger St Jude said...

Never modify anything. You are great the way you are. That's why we keep coming back for more.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:28:00 PM, Blogger St Jude said...

Oh and Poopie and Nikki, stop it. Now. Bushs, et al. Behave yourselves.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 3:52:00 PM, Blogger Mel said...

'Rectal sore' = me laughing hysterically in my silent office.
Good thing thuhboss isn't here yet today!

At Monday, July 03, 2006 4:31:00 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said...

NIKKI!!! you are so fucking funny (i'm so unimaginative that they can bite my ass and suck my balls too)! And moist, mmmfppphffh. :o

I'm with you on all of these, except I must admit a guilty pleasure...I'm not proud of it, mind you...I'm really not. And I'll try and not like it, I promise. But when women fight? I don't know what it is...maybe it's a defense I go into, but I can't stop laughing my ass off when I see it. Especially the pile of hair left over.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 6:17:00 PM, Blogger Farm Girl said...

I LOVE your list. I can agree with almost all of them. You might have me on the thong but we'll negotiate. I wear them on occasion but they are definitely not my favorite. Turn signals!!! OMG, I hate these people, they rank up there with the people that could practically carry their car around a corner because they are going so slow. I can see how road rage gets started. LOVE THE LIST!!! Glad to see you didn't list women who post scantily clad pictures of themselves, LOL.

At Monday, July 03, 2006 7:21:00 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

Yes well when PC M-Fers can't "deal" w/ the reality of a situation. They send them to the HR dept. LUCKY ME!!! I once had to counsel a lady (I use that loosely) on not picking her NOSE with her finger and then go back to typing on the keyboard. Problem? She job shared her station, so when 2nd shift came on?? YEP Gross out city. ;o(

~rolling eyes~

It's just one big party in HR!!! ;o)

At Monday, July 03, 2006 9:06:00 PM, Blogger kim said...

lmfao go girl !
ummm i agree whole heartedly with
2,3,FOUR,12,13(can you tell im a smoker too ?) FOURTEEN (i am a world class cusser) 15 and SIXTEENNNNNNN (lazy cows)

*whew* now i feel better too i think ill have a cigarette

At Monday, July 03, 2006 9:18:00 PM, Blogger Me said...

Oh Number:1 gets to me. And the 2 and 3, and 4...
yes most of it, Nikki!

At Monday, July 03, 2006 9:55:00 PM, Blogger kat said...

i am glad that i found you, sensei nikki. i needed a new instructor in order to improve my vulgar-language skills.
-grasshopper kat

At Monday, July 03, 2006 10:21:00 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

It does seem like turn signals are going out of style or something. Is it so HARD?

At Monday, July 03, 2006 10:36:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

St Jude - I have always liked you, now I know why. Me and the Pooper? (shh - don't tell anyone)

Mel - I was laughing when I wrote that. I have no idea where it came from but think it's funny too.

Kevin - LMAO, your balls huh. Thanks for the visual. I just had meatballs for dinner you know. It is funny to watch women fighting, I'll admit that.LOL

Les - I hate slow drivers. They almost made the list. My particular ones to hate are the ones that go so slow they might as well be going in reverse. LOL

Superstar - YUCK YUCK and YUCK. I am SO glad I don't have your job.

Kim - smoke it up girl. I'm lighting one with you.

Me - kindred spirits.

Kat - YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! I'VE BEEN TO YOUR BLOG. If memory serves me correctly, you told me it was a good thing I commented on one of your entries thus avoiding becoming a fuckity fuck-fuck. LOL I'm still laughing at that. You make my day.

Oh, the joys - You know, the more I blog surf, the more I find this to be the number one gripe out there. Then why do so many people do it?

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 1:35:00 AM, Blogger kat said...

"fuckity fuck-fuck" was the best material from my last sensei. "fuck off you rectal sore" has been the best entry into my repituare (sp?) since.

having to spend my professional life with the censor button on really hampers my ability to master vulgarity.

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 2:14:00 AM, Anonymous Mommie Dearest said...

I am so proud of you; my "Minnie Me". You are indeed the masterpiece of my life's work. Love you bunches!

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 6:59:00 AM, Blogger Kate said...

LMAO I agree! Especially about the pervy men. Why do they do that? Are they from some obscure community where boobies are banned? You'd think so the way they leer. Mind you, I get them back, I talk to their comb-overs, ha, that unsettles them I can tell you LOL

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 9:45:00 AM, Blogger Anna said...

Strangely I don't care about the boob thing.

It does bug me when women complain about men talking to their chest when they walk around with their tits practically hanging out!

Not that I'm suggesting you guys do that.

On of my big hates is kids with dummies (do you guys call them pacifiers? Fake nipples for shutting kids up with?) - I don't know what it is about them but it's just wrong, especially when the kid's like 3 or something. If your kid's crying or crotchety there's probably something wrong with it, for fuck's sake.

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 10:28:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Kat - You honor me grasshopper. I will do my best to to teach you the vulgar way. NOW GET TO WORK (doing what I have no idea, but I know it includes lots of manual labor and ass scratching)LOL

Mom - HA! HOT DAMN! I KNEW THERE WOULD COME A DAY WHEN YOU FINALLY LEFT A COMMENT ON MY BLOG! LOVE YOU MOM! I MISS YOU! And I am the minnie you. . . cause you rock and you're funny and shit((HUGS))

Kate - LMAO! I'm gonna start doing that. That is so funny. I'm stealing that one. "You're comb over is hot" "Do you really think so"- looking all hopeful "No, I was just bullshittin"

Anna - I'll agree with you there. If you're ta-ta's are about to spill out of your shirt any you're complaining about people giving you drooly looks you can bite my ass. Why? because you're fuckin dumb. I'm a pretty modest dresser, but have been. . .uh. . .shall we say. . .uh. . .blessed in the ta-ta department and the stares I get piss me off sometimes.

The "Dummies" yeah, I hate them too. OH! You mean the pacifiers. My bad. The most common phrase for those here is "Binky" after a brand name I think (I HATE the word BINKY - rhymes with stinky, and winky). And again, I will agree with you. If your kid is about to graduate college, and still sucks on a pacifier, he needs a girlfriend and a life - in all seriousness. Lauren wasn't even a year old when I let her watch me throw it away, and Connor was a month shy of his first birthday.

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 10:48:00 AM, Blogger Dirty Birdie said...

ha ha ha ha ha *snort*

That's all I have to say

At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 1:09:00 PM, Blogger happykat said...

This shit ain't fucking fair.

You stole


At Tuesday, July 04, 2006 1:56:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Becka - glad you enjoyed.

Happykat - I'm glad you said that, cause I was gonna tag you. LOL Yours would have been great. If you wanna do it anyway, feel free. I would love to read it.

At Wednesday, July 05, 2006 3:51:00 PM, Anonymous Jim Brodhead said...

4. You don't like it? Buy a burka bitch!

5. Panty lines? No one stands in line for panties anymore; they just order them "on line".

6. Make up your damn mind! You just bitched about BO and now it's perfume that's cobbing you...sheesh!

17. Women fighting? That's why God invented Jello for cryin' out load...

At Wednesday, July 05, 2006 8:20:00 PM, Blogger Nikki said...

Jim - you know I love you and shit BUT

4 - if I buy a burka, the only thing I'm going to do is wrap your wrinkled ass in it when I dispose of your body.

5 - Is this where you get yours?

6 - What can I say, I'm wishy washy like that.

17 - I'll send you some Jello post haste. . . what flavor would you like? Cherry?

At Friday, July 07, 2006 8:11:00 PM, Anonymous michele said...

Ok, so I'm a smoker. In regards to numbers 12 & 13 - thank you thank you thank you. That is all.

At Saturday, July 08, 2006 12:51:00 AM, Blogger Nikki said...

Michele! - it's good to see you again. It's been a long time. . . and you are welcome, welcome, welcome.

Adults who whine just kill me.

At Thursday, February 01, 2007 9:46:00 PM, Blogger Marymurtz said...

When I read #14, I laughed so loud the entire household screeched to a stop. Oh my God, Nikki, you're killing me! LOL!!


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