Meme

Mama en Fuego wanted to know:



#1 If you tore off a piece of foil for a dish then decided to use saran wrap instead, would you throw away the foil or keep it to use later? To be honest, it would depend. I mean, how pissed off am I because I have to cook? If I'm not very pissed, I'll save it.

#2. If you could be a super hero, what would your name be and what kind of powers would you have? I would be called "The Midas Sphincter" Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "shitting a (gold) brick"

#3. Do you believe in the 5 second rule? Depends on what it is...and I usually go by the 3 second rule, and you just have to use your discretion. Like water - I don't care what kind of rule you've got....it's not cool to drink water off the floor.

#4. Do you brush your teeth in the morning and at night? Do you floss? Yes, Yes and yes. I'm all about oral hygiene, Kiddies. I even have little floss gadgets in a baggie at work to get rid of those after lunch hangers on. I don't floss in front of anyone, and I don't brush my teeth at work, but it's not cool to have some green shit in your teeth - especially after you just bleached them to blinding whiteness.

#5. If money were no object, where would you live? Shit, I don't know.

#6. If you could go back in time for 5 minutes where would you go? Who would you visit? Hell I don't know. Only for 5 minutes? Doesn't give me anytime to introduce myself to anyone..... I'm going for.......Where - Iraq, When - Sept 1, 2001, WHO - no who - phone call to the White House.

#7. Do you believe in heaven? How do you picture heaven? Yes. I can't tell you everything about heaven, but I can tell you, it has a big beautiful library in it.

#8. Do you believe in hell? How do you picture hell? Yes. I can't tell you everything about hell, but I can tell you, it's where my in-laws live.

#9. If you found a hair in your food, and you knew it was yours, would you keep eating? I don't know. How long is the hair exactly? I mean it's one thing to find a short bang hair sitting lightly on top of your cool whip....it's quite another to find a foot long strand mixed in with the melted cheese.

#10. Your walking down the aisle in the supermarket and just as you pass a hot guy/chick you let out the worlds largest fart, what do you do? RUN AND LAUGH LIKE HELL WHILE BLAMING THE CHILDREN

#11. Have you ever had sex on a plane? Hell no.....why? You asking or something? Just so you know.....that's not my thing.

#12. Do you mix the food on your plate or do you segregate? I'm a total segregationist when it comes to my food. I don't mind if the juices mix or if they touch or any silly shit like that....but I don't want my peas gettin all chummy with my blob of 57 sauce.


#13. If you could go back and date someone again for a week, (before things got bad, ended, too complicated, what ever) who would you date again? My husband. No really, I'm not shitting. He puts them all to shame. That's why the sex is still so damn good.

#14. You're on an airplane and all the sudden there's a thunder down under and you have to go, NOW but you can see that there is at least a 3 person wait for a bathroom. What do you do? Squish the ol' cheeks together, do the poker up the ass walk, get in line and pray. If I feel I can't make it...I'll tell them I have Krohns Disease and go into detail. Yes I would.


#15. You and your significant other are moving in together. While putting some of their stuff away some naked pictures of their ex fall out. Do you confront them with the pictures? Do you take them and throw them away? What would you do? Dude, I'd totally throw that shit away. No need to tell him, he'll figure it out eventually and I wouldn't have to hear that lame ass excuse "oh! I totally forgot I had those" PPPPAAAAA LEEEEEEAAASE!!!!

#16. You win the lottery, millions, how do you spend the first 10k? Give it to family

#17. If you had a choice between being beautiful or being successful, which would you be? Successful. Success builds confidence, and that makes you sexy and beautiful.. no need to look like a model...I have my own look thank you.

#18. Can you lie with a straight face? Not when it's squished up against the mattress..............................WHAT??? Just keeping you on your toes. Um, yes I can, but I can't look you in the eye.

#19. What's the last prank you pulled on someone? THERE ARE SO MANY!!!!!

#20. You see a man and a little girl walking down the street. She's pulling away and yelling for him to "leave her alone." What do you do? Depends. I would definitely keep watching. Do I know them? Is he acting funny? Does she seem scared? Is my gun loaded?

Interview

Mamatulip sent me some interview questions. Now let me shine my light on you all and answer them for you (HEY! who threw that rotten egg? Was that really necessary?)

1. Which celebrity -- and I mean any celebrity, dead or alive -- can you most easily relate to? Interesting question. I don't relate to any celebrity. I like several...but I can't really "relate" to any of them. To be honest, I don't really pay any attention to them...unless they are just fine as hell and then I think about....never mind what I think about. Next question please.


2. Name the top three things that really fuckin' piss you off. You're really limiting me here you know that don't you. Why do you have to limit the hate? Here they are, in no particular order(but I do reserve the right to alter this list at anytime with no prior notification):
WOMEN DRIVERS
POLITICIANS/POLITICS
CONDESENDING/RUDE PEOPLE


3. What was the first blog you started reading? Do you still read it?
It was USED KITTY LITTER...and it's been deleted. The second one I started reading was Cheaper Than Therapy - and yes I still read her.


4. Tell us one thing you really love about your husband and one thing you really don't love about him.
ONE? You're killing me. Love - his ability to NOT talk down to me. I've found that most men do that to women with out realizing it. He has never done that to me. Not ever.

Hate - He doesn't pick up after himself.


5. Beer, wine or hard liquor? Hard liquor. I'm a tequilla chick. Tequilla sunrises - easy grenadine. Yum. No tequilla shots please - I'll get really drunk REALLY fast. I have no alcohol tolerance you know. It's a bit sad really....but it does save money.

6 Weird Things About Me

Jazz tagged me with this one....and now I must add her to my "To Be Drawn & Quartered" list.

1. Whenever I buy a new book, I have to get a new bookmark to go with it. It MUST match. I would never be able to handle having a blue book cover with a brown bookmark. ALL of my books have their own bookmark. If there is a series that I am reading or have read...they DO NOT share...each book has it's own bookmark.
I started doing this a couple years ago. It had gotten to the point where I would loan out a book and it would be returned to me having the spine broken or the pages were dog eared. I hate that crap, so I started buying bookmarks for each book and it rarely happens anymore. I have however, lost a few bookmarks.

2. I can only use a towel ONE time in between washings. I know most people just hang up their towels and use them again the next time they shower...I DON'T. It grosses me out. I may hang the towel up to dry, but it will go in the laundry basket after it's dry. There are however, 2 exceptions to this rule. a) - I can wear my tericloth bathrobe at least 2 times and be okay with it. b) I can use the same towel to dry my hair twice. That is all.

3. This may be TMI but I'm having a hard time coming up with things that are weird so I'm putting it in....
I always wear a bra. Even when I'm at home in a ratty t-shirt and shorts bumming around or doing housework. I don't sleep with it on or anything (at least not regularly) but as soon as I get up I shower, brush my teeth, put on some anti-stink and the bra goes on....before the panties even. I have got to have one on...at all times...period. Jiggle Factor does not make you cool.

4. My pantry is kept in a strict discipline of neatness at all times. Have you ever seen Sleeping With The Enemy and she has to have the cans turned facing front and everything has to be just so? Yeah, well, that's me.

5. I can't put my laundry away unless it is folded in a particular way, or hang the clothes in my closet unless they are all facing the same direction.
For example, shirts. If they are to be folded, then you pinch the seam at the shoulder where the shoulder and the sleeve meet, shake out the shirt with a good POP, fold the shirt back so the shoulder seems that you are pinching touch - and the front of the shirt MUST FACE OUT, smooth the shirt to get at least most of the wrinkles out, grab the cuff of the shirt in your right hand and make sure that the sleeve is laying flat on your arm (doing the same with the other sleeve over the top of that one) and then fold AT THE SEAM WHERE THE SLEEVE HAS BEEN SEWN ON. DO NOT - OMG! - NO NOT FOLD THE SLEEVE SO THAT THE CUFFS ARE TOWARDS THE HEM OF THE SHIRT. FOLD THE SLEEVES TOWARD THE OPPOSITE END OF THE SHIRT. If the sleeves go over the shirt, fold them back on themselves and then fold the shirt in half so that the sleeves are between the top and bottom halves of the shirt. The front of the shirt should be facing to the LEFT, no sleeves should be poking out of the folded shirt. Lastly, smooth the top and you're done.
If you are hanging the shirt, it should face LEFT and have the top button buttoned. (let's all say a quick thankful prayer for hangers shall we hummmmmm?) I'm not kidding when I say that I have gone behind Charles a million times refolding the clothes that he has folded, though I try not to be obvious about it. I could be a little anal retentive on this issue, what do you think?

6. I can't stand it when someone where's their hat inside. In today's day and age of the ball cap, so many people are doing this and it's now considered normal. What is wrong with you people? Show some frigging upbringing. NO, it's not okay to wear it into Walmart - you're still INSIDE...and if you walk in MY door with a hat on your head, you had better be undergoing some serious chemo treatments. I won't even say Hi to you...the first thing I'll say is "Please take your hat off."


I'm all done now. Don't worry, I won't tag you....but you're still weird...weirder than me even.

Groups of Three

Me has tagged me with a MeMe. mememememememememeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (sorry I was trying to warm up so I could sing it to you..but I'm going to save it for my American Idol audition (NOT).



Things That Scare Me

1. Spiders
2. High up places
3. Spiders in high up places


People That Make Me Laugh

1. Charles
2. Lauren
3. Connor


Things I Love

1. Deodorant
2. Bug Killer
3. WD40


Things I Hate

1. Spiders
2. Dishes
3. That burnt hair smell (and unfortunately, I'm familiar with all three)


Things I Don't Understand

1. How I've managed to keep my sanity
2. Why I have to keep paying the utility bills. Wasn't once enough?
3. Why with every breath my husband takes...he must exhale thru his buttocks.


Things on my Desk

1. A sign that says "Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly little problems down the hall?" (okay not really - but I really, really want one)
2. The COM-PU-TER (duh)
3. An assortment of different colored post it notes stuck everywhere.


Things I'm Doing Right Now

1. Yelling at my hard headed children (notice how I don't confess to beating them)
2. Watching it sleet/snow outside
3. Fending of my husband who was an octopus in a previous life. (Oh, who am I kidding? He's an octopus in this life)


Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Become financially stable.....no, scratch that, I want to be well off.........ah, okay, I'll be honest...I want to be filthy rich so I can buy all the plastic surgery and chocolate I want. (and I've got to have one to have the other)
2. Travel. I want to see the world and experience different cultures...and then open a McDonalds on every street corner.
3. Paint the town purple (because red is so over done)


Things I Can Do

1. Smoke heavily
2. Snark mightily
3. Fart gustily (still want to meet Annie?)


Things You Should Listen To

1. Whatever you want. It's a free country. One of the reasons I became a soldier is to defend the freedom for all the weirdos in the world to listen to that crappy beargrass music.
2.
3.


Things You Should Never Listen To

1. I'm not going to revisit this topic.
2.
3.


Things I Would Like To Learn

1. How to cook
2. How to drive without my hands over my eyes
3. How to beat my children without breaking limbs and leaving bruises in obvious and visible places. (Hello child services)


Favorite Foods

1. Chocolate
2. Sour cream
3. Paint


Favorite Beverages

1. Dt. Mt. Dew
2. Tequilla
3. Paint


TV Shows I Watched, Books I Read as a Kid

1. The Price is Right
2. The Jeffersons
3. Little Golden Books (I'm still on this reading level)


People I Would Like To Tag

1. Pendullum (ha ha got you back)
2. Mr Fabulous
3. Robin Williams (though I don't think he'll do one)

A Meme

Pendullum tagged me with this meme.

I've hired a PI so I can start stalking her. Love ya Bella...er..Shania...what ever your name is.

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1 Travel - I want to see Ireland, Scotland, England, India and Egypt. I also want to see the Pacific Ocean. I really want to joke on as many people world wide as humanly possible.

2 Take my honeymoon. Charles and I never did get to go on one, and he wants to go on a cruise. Whatever - we can go on the cruise baby, if that's what you want...but don't plan on sticking your head out of the door to often, you're going to be awful busy.

3 Raise my children to be responsible, intelligent adults. I don't want them to resemble me in any way.

4 Hold my babies baby's. Just thinking about this chokes me up. One day, I'll be holding a baby that I love beyond words, and I can give it to someone else to change the diapers. MAN! I'm looking forward to that.

5 I want to be published. I write quite a little bit but I have never had the balls to submit anything. I'm chicken shit, what can I say.

Things I Can Not DO

1 Cook. I do cook, you can eat it and you won't die. However, the likelihood of you accepting another invitation to my house for dinner is extremely slim. If you should accept for some odd reason - ie, you're a glutton for punishment - you'll probably want it in writing that Charles will cook dinner that evening.

2 Stop being a Smartypants. Of course, this isn't a trait or characteristic I'm looking to get rid of either. It's way to fun.

3 Forgive easily. That bitch who cut my hair last time is on my shit list. She better hope I don't ever find her - I will key her fucking car so deep that the metal will curl up like ribbons hanging from presents.

4 Hula-hoop...but really, at my age, who would want to? It looks ridiculous when adults try to do this - at least that's what I tell myself.

5 Not kill spiders and insects. They have to many legs - mother nature should go ahead and admit that she screwed up and get rid of them all. It would damn sure save me a lot of paper towels picking up their squished little bodies.

Things I Can Do

1 Spot a spider with in 50 feet. I have "Spidar" and it is my mission in life to eradicate as many as possible.

2 Give a good massage - I reduce Charles to a quivering mass of jelly to get my way.

3 Snore - and I'm really good at it too - don't be jealous.

4 Laugh at myself - I do some stupid stuff sometimes and I can't help but laugh. Don't worry, I laugh at you too. (I don't want you feeling left out now do I)

5 Play a good game of cards. I love Gin Rummy, Spades and Hearts, but I can't play poker.

Things That Attracted Me To My Husband

1 He had the respect of those around him, and it wasn't because he threatened to kick their ass.

2 He's easy going. It's my job to stress out over everything, I didn't want anyone trying to do it for me.

3 He's tall. I like tall men. Back when I was dating, you had to be a minimum of 6ft tall - I just feel like I should be looking up into your eyes when we get ready to kiss, not vice versa.

4 His hair - He has salt and pepper hair that he keeps short. I thought that he was older than I was and I've always had a thing for older men. Turns out he's 6 months younger than I am. I'm still thinking about kicking his ass for false advertisement.

5 His sense of humor. I've got to be able to laugh - and he makes me laugh all the time...except when he's nekkid.

Things I Say Most Often

1 Well Damn.

2 I love you

3 Check your Sugar, Booger. (Talking to Charles - one of his many nicknames is Boogerhead)

4 Lauren!

5 Little Dude, please let go of my knees!

Books I Love

1 The Hobbit

2 Harry Potter series

3 Wheel of Time series

4 The Grapes of Wrath (I love me some Steinbeck)

5 Where The Red Fern Grows

Movies I Love

1 The Green Mile - I love the thought that God - or fate - or chance - sent/created some one so purely good the way John Cofe is.

2 Phenomenon - and not just because John Travolta's in it. It's a good movie and I think it brings a good question - what sort of unlocked potential do we have in our brains?

3 The Shawshank Redemption - I can't say I care very much for Tim Robbins politics but I really loved the way he stuck it to the Warden in this movie. I also love Morgan Freeman and his narration of this movie was great. I really love his voice.

4 Forest Gump - I think this movie really says a lot about how fate can take us places we never dreamed of.

5 Driving Ms Daisy - A good "coming together" story of two people who live in a world segregated, not only by color, but by religion and socioeconomic status.

Hummmmm....Whom should I tag?

Christina and Super.

Have fun ladies! *throws kisses*

20 Things I Hate

Superstar, I'm so going to track you down and stalk you for this.

1. - Dogs dressed up in dumb little outfits. They look stupid. If God wanted them to wear clothes, they would be born naked. To those people who have those hairless dogs - that's just gross. I'm sorry if you're allergic, but it's gross.

2. - People who don't brush their teeth. When they smile at you it looks like they have brown corn niblets sticking out of their gums. YUCK! Damn man, get some toothpaste. If nothing else, rub a stick on your teeth. I mean, at least do something. White out people - WHITE OUT.

3. - People who refuse to acknowledge they have BO. For all of those people out there who don't wear deodorant, please let me enlighten you. . . YOU FUCKING STINK. Do not try to engage me in conversation because my gag reflex is pretty damn sensitive and I will puke on you. Then you will smell like musty vomit. Hey Kevin - here's today's word - MOIST!

4. - Men who stare at my boobs when we talk. Sorry guys, my nipples are not eyes. They don't blink, they aren't going to wink at you, and they damn sure aren't going to cast "Come hither" looks at you either. My eyes are on my face - my face is on my head. You know, my HEAD - that thing that's located 3 ft above my ass. Accept it and move on.

5. Panty lines. I'm sorry ladies, but if you're wearing tight pants and I can see your panty line - YOU ARE WRONG. I don't want to know what kind of underwear you are wearing. I give two shits if you are doing the granny panty thing or if you're in a bikini kinda mood. That's just sick to me. Get a friggin thong for cryin' out loud and floss your butt.

6. - Women who wear to much jewelry/make-up/perfume. You look like a bunch of over done whores. Really you do. This may be harsh, but it's reality. Oh, and just a clue for you. . . you still stink.

7.- Destruct-O kids. Aka: heathen children running all over the place and tearing shit up. Moms AND DADS - rein your kids in for pete's sake. I have my own kids to deal with and I don't want to deal with yours too. It is blatantly obvious who runs your house. I will be the first one to give you the stinky eye. When you tell your little heathen to "Stop that" "Put that down" and to "Come stand over here and be quiet" mean it for crying outloud. Show him/her that you are the parent. I would much rather listen to him scream bloody murder because he is being brought up correctly rather than to listen to him whine about everything because he's not.

8. - Old bald headed men giving me "THE EYE". How nasty is that. You're ancient, you're bald (sometimes with that yummy comb over) and you walk with your belly a full 2 ft in front of you. Don't even glance my way. You disgust me. I hate your letcherous leers. They give me the heebie jeebies.

9. - Women who wear shorts but don't shave their legs. The hair on your legs is so long - Why don't you just braid it? This is not mainland Europe. If you want to wear shorts and not shave, please go there for the summer where it is more socially acceptable, but be advised, it's nasty over there too. I just don't want you here where I can see you. SKANK.

10.- Men who continually adjust themselves. What is up with that? Are you scared that it might fall off? Is your pubic hair so damn scratchy that you continually have to scratch, adjust, scratch, adjust, or do you have crabs? My advise to you - trim it or see a Dr. - which ever is appropriate.

11. - Loud cell phone talkers - What? Do they want an award for getting a friggin phone call? I don't give a shit if your new Subaru Outback did get hit in the parking lot. And I damn sure don't want to hear about your hernia operation, your eye infection or the fact that your neighbors are assholes. I mean really. If you want everybody to know your business, get a blog.

12. - Inconsiderate smokers. Now first, let me say that I am a smoker. I am a considerate smoker. I fully realize that some people are allergic to smoke and can't be around it and others just choose not to be, and that's okay with me. This is my choice and I don't want to thrust it upon you. It's those fuckers out there that blow smoke into kids' faces and flick cigarette butts in to gas station parking lots that just kill me. YOU'RE SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. I mean damn, can you not fuck with my addiction please? Included in this would be bitchy little non-smokers. Take a flying leap before I ring your neck.

13. - Former smokers - what a bunch of whining little widgets. SHUT UP. Don't try to enlighten me on the dangers of smoking. I'm pushing 32 here and I know already. I'm educated and shit.

14. - People who refer to cussing as "The Language of the Unimaginative" or "low class" FUCK OFF YOU RECTAL SORE. I am a connoisseur of cussin. You have got to have an imagination to use it correctly. I mean, if you wouldn't laugh at something that included the term "scrotumless" - I probably don't want to know you anyway and you can bite my ass.

15. - People who don't use their turn signals. I wasn't aware that they were optional. They are there for a reason - use them. If you have no fingers or they are to short to reach the little stick that is CLOSE AS HELL TO THE STEERING WHEEL to indicate in which direction you wish to go - have your vehicle modified so you can push a little button, or in the case for people with no fingers, they can nub the button.

16. - Moms who don't change their baby's diaper. You have all seen it. That diaper that looks like it could sink the titanic. What a sorry bunch of lazy bitches. That poor baby. You know his/her butt is sore. You are such a lazy shit. You would rather you baby walk/crawl around in their own waste than to get off your fat lazy ass and change a diaper. If those diapers had fingernails, that's exactly how'd they be hanging on. You know it's true. I despise your sorry ass most of all.

17. - Women fighting. There is NOTHING that looks more rediculous than two women whippin up on each other. All that hissin' and pulling hair. It's the dumbest ever.

18. - Emptin' the cat box. Super yuck. It's worse than changing a diaper. At least when I change my son's diaper, he will give me a hug and a kiss. When I empty the cat box, the cat closest to it goes and takes a shit in it as soon as I put it on the floor. It's times like this when there just doesn't seem to be any justice in the universe.

19. - Waking up and hour before the alarm goes off. I CAN NOT go back to sleep to save my life. It pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. It's not like I don't need that extra hour - what's the deal? I'm gonna have to do something about those voices in my head.

20.- Women that continually flip their hair. Hon, you aren't that cute. Don't flip your hair at me. I'll get the scissors and cut all that crap off and you will cry. If you are bent over your desk (either working, or for your boss) and it keeps falling down in your face and you have to do THE FLIP - GET A FRIGGIN HAIR CUT or put your hair up. You probably have split ends out the ass anyway.

K - I'm all done now.

Feel free to fry me on something. The comments are open.