Tuesday, February 28, 2006

JEEEEZZZZ Does it ever stop!?

Okay, I'm going to touch on a subject here that is going to offend quite a few people here but so what.


First lets get one thing straight, I am a female driver. Of course I am. I am female after all. It would be icky if I was female all the time except when I drive. The big difference between me and 99 percent of the rest of the female population is I know how. I'm not talking about driving the damn lawn mower here. I'm talking about the automobile with which we all use to get around in our daily life. No shit - I can tell you 99 percent of the time which sex is operating the vehicles around me. To my gender shame, females are absolutely clueless when you get them behind the wheel. The whole driving OVER the lines on either the left, right or middle of the road tends to give them away.

The women drivers are dangerous and ...well, stupid and careless. Putting on the mascara as they drive, lipstick, blush, foundation (first the liquid and then the powder - or they might have the liquid/powder combo that you can apply in one application), trimming their nails and de-linting their outfits as they tool on down the road drives me batshit. They have turned me into a road rage hag. I see them do something stupid and a string of swear words that were never meant to go together flood from my mouth (I said I know how to drive, not cuss), my hair will stick up on end, and any make-up that is on my face will instantly turn a strange burnt umber/red/black color and vaporize.

My daughter "L" who is almost 8 now can tell by my facial expressions (caused by swallowing the cuss words when my kids are in the car) when someone has done something wrong on the road. She'll look at me and say "Woman driver right." I'll sigh gustily and say "Yes, stupid women drivers" and then I'll give the poor kid a quick lecture on why you should never drive like other women. "Keep your mind on the road sweets. Drive BETWEEN the lines, not over them and remember that if you have to put on you make-up on after you leave the house, do it while you are parked in a parking lot and not at a stop light or driving down the street. These dipshit's are trying to kill someone!"

I do try my best not to road rage when my kids are in the car. Really I do. It's not an example I want to set, but I have to admit, I do sometimes slip, even though I may not know it at the time. The perfect example to this would be about a week ago as we were all heading home (L,C, and I) after work, school and day care. L looked at me and said "Mom, what does dumbshit mean?" I knew immediately she heard this from me. It is my favorite word for women drivers. I explained to her that she should never repeat that word, and I should never have said it, to which she replied "It's okay Mom, it's not your fault." "Of course it's my fault" (this is me trying to teach her responsibility for her own actions) "No it's not, it's those women drivers that make you do it." I admit, I had a hard time convincing her that I could control my language when I couldn't stop laughing. Needless to say, I have been extra diligent in watching my language lately but she still knows. Yesterday she heard me sigh and grunt on the way to drop her off, and she stared into the car on our right as we passed it "Yep, woman driver mom." I'm considering telling her that I'm constipated when I do that so she doesn't develop pre-pubescent road rage. That would be something wouldn't. I mean, her feet don't even touch the floor in the car.

I want you to try something, I want you to try and look and see who is driving the car that's swerving, or just isn't driving well. I'll give you 10 to 1 odds it's a woman. Do it for 1 week, you'll see what I mean.

You'll also notice, that most of them don't have any driver courtesy. Let a woman driver in a lane that is backed up with traffic and see how many of them give you a wave to say thanks. They just keep applying their lipstick. AND OH GOD! I hate it when I get behind a woman driving a minivan!!!!! They seem to be the absolute worst!!!! GOD FORBID you go the speed limit! Oh no! Anything but that. And buddy, you are guaranteed to pop a blood vessel if you get behind a senior citizen driver on a Sunday! I'll dig your grave for you if she has a hat on. It is a historically proven fact that any senior citizen with a hat on that is driving on Sunday has nothing to do and thinks you don't either. Now don't get me wrong here. I appreciate our senior citizens and everything they have done for our communities, but just because it's Sunday doesn't mean that I don't have the right to have a corinary when I get behind them going 15 in a 45!


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Thursday, February 16, 2006

The update

I forgot to send this update to a couple of friends and family in my usual family email that I send erratically. I'm posting it so no one will feel left out.

Hello everyone,

Just thought I'd update you all on how everything is going at the house of the ill and decrepit.>> HMMMMM where did I leave you last? I don't quite remember so I just give you the last month.

Little Dude is sick - AGAIN!!!!! Well, he's actually better now but he has had bronchitis TWICE in the last month - or more accurately - it never completely went away in the first place and the second time I took him in for it, it was absolutely terrible. He got put on a breathing machine, went to a check up 3 days later and got put on steroids. Well, let me just tell you... "C" is 9 months old now and if I don't get some decent sleep soon I'm going to have "lack of sleep induced psychosis". I don't know if there is such a thing in the medical books, if there isn't - I'll be happy to put it there. Well, not happy exactly...I just won't be able to help myself. I'm getting kind-a worried about my state of mind. Puff the magic dragon came on TV the other night - and I LIKED watching it. God, the looney bin is just a step away.

You know, to give credit where credit is due, "C" has a really good pediatrician, great bedside manner, shows genuine concern, and isn't to bad to look at - but I'm getting fed up with having to see this guy every week or two. Now don't misunderstand me. I don't get upset about seeing a good looking man every now and again - the problem I have with going to see him is the following: 1) my son is sick, 2)while waiting to see the doctor I have to be around hellish little demons other people consider to be children and their inept parents (more on this in another bitch session), 3) it costs me money to get in to see the doctor, 4) it cost me money to get the prescription meds that I need for my son, 5)I almost always have to deal with the billing lady b/c the stupid insurance company withdrew one of the payments it submitted, 6)I have to call the stupid insurance company and find out why they withdrew the payment they submitted and could they please resubmit payment on the payment they submitted but withdrew due to an internal error of stupidity ( it's what I call their "Just kidding - we want that money back" coverage), 7)i miss A LOT of work, and DAMN IT - if I have to go thru all this crap to see the man - can I at least deal with all this money crap AFTER I see him so my eyebrows are not touching the tip of my NOSE, my hair is on fire and my head doing 360's all the while screaming "The Wheels on the Bus go Round and Round" trying to keep Connor from screaming and doing the baby juggle from knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder??!! The pacifier (I call it the baby cork) can only pacify so much. To the average on looker, I'm sure it must look like some sort of abuse.

Now we all know me. I'm pretty damn sarcastic and a BIG smart ass (not to be confused with having a big ass) weelll, let's just say that sleep deprivation doesn't lend charm to my humor and the billing lady puts on "The Mask" when I'm there. NO GENIUS - I'm not talking about the one with Jim Carey. I'm talking about the one that anyone working with the public has to wear from time to time. Come on, you know the one I'm talking about. It's the one that says "I hate this lady but I have to put with a certain amount of fluff from her. I'm going to try to be understanding, I'm going to try to be compassionate...I'm going to try NOT to yell back at her because I could possibly lose my job but I'm getting to the point with her that I really don't care and the next time I see she has an appointment I'm calling in sick" mask. AAAAAHHHHH - The billing lady - her name is Linda. I call her Lin> JUST TO PISS HER OFF. To be fair to ol' Lin, she has gone above and beyond the required amount of BS for me. She talks nicey, nicey to the insurance people for me...or maybe she just tells them to pay so she> doesn't have to put up with psycho lady with the screaming baby and smoldering hair anymore... either way I don't give a hoot. The insurance company usually says "Ms. T., we'll resubmit this claim for review to the claims department for their review on this claim." YYYEEEEAAAHHH. Just pay the bill lady. If you have any questions, have your machine call my machine.

"C" is doing much better now.

On the other side of this, we did get a visit from wonderful. Not a person - but SNOW. The reason it was wonderful was because 1) it came on a weekend, 2) we actually got a fair amount 6-8 inches and not just enough to screw up the roads 3) most of it melted on the first day 4) it made the bleak winter landscape beautiful for about 6 hours. 5) I got to play in the snow for a bit with "L", we made snow angels, built a pitiful looking snow man, and had a snowball fight 6) I let my dog out to use the bathroom and some melting snow fell off a tree somewhere and made enough noise for him to bark (anything louder than a fly farting tends to set him off) and then another pile of snow fell from the branch above him a buried him for about 1 tenth of a second. That little dog jumped so high I swear it looked like he cleared the clothes line and came hauling tail back to the house. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Do you remember when you were a kid and you laughed so hard you couldn't breath? I was gasping for air and the dog curled up in his kennel and growled at me - like I was the one that did it. To be honest, if I had known it was going to be that funny - I would have. I'm laughing now! Poor dog wouldn't go back outside until the next day! I'm sure his little bladder felt like> it was going to explode and his eyes had to be floating. "C" just kinda looked at me like "What did I miss?"

The down side to the snow is "L" got invited to a birthday party that same day with the next door neighbors niece, so they packed up her sled and off they went at about 2pm. She came back about 8pm. No wait. No, that's not the bad part. The bad part is that she's SICK. Not that I wasn't expecting it. When she came home her pants we soaking wet from mid thigh down. She was shivering and her teeth were chattering. I immediately put her in a very warm tub, put hot grub in her belly and bundled her off to bed.


Hubby is doing good. I say that because he has somehow managed to not kill me. Along with all this lovely drama - PMS STRIKES AGAIN! The poor man. He's going to die a martyr. I'm just waiting for him to crack. I'm expecting him to try and give himself his insulin shots in the temple or something. Other than that - no worries on that front.

Now do I really need to go into how I'm doing?

OH FINE JUST FINE Does anyone have a Valium?

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I wanna be a psychic

Have you seen how much these people charge for a personal session? I went to a couple of different web sites for renowed psychics and they ain't charging chump change I can tell ya.

What got me looking at these you ask? I caught one of the more popular talk shows when I was at home with my son "C" this past week (I don't usually watch these time wasters but stopped in mid channel surf to soothe a fussy baby) and there was a very popular psychic on. Shamefully, I watched. I can't say I was overly impressed with what she had to say, but I must admit to being at least a little intrigued ...... well, okay, a bit more than a little.

It's kind-a embarrassing to be honest. I don't make any claim to fame about being a great thinker or being anything close to a totally logical person (I am cursed with human traits you know), but thinking that someone can really talk to the dead is both ridiculous and interesting. I mean really, wouldn't you want to know what it's like after we die. I do hold out some hope that there is more than just nothingness after we die. I believe in heaven. I believe in life after death. I believe it's our natural curiosity that gets us. I believe if I was a psychic I'd be making a killing - pun intended.