Tuesday, April 24, 2007


You know, a few months ago, rumor had it that someone had voted me a thinking blogger. I'm not gonna say who it was....because then you'll be bombarding her with requests for her to share her crack with you.

I freely admit to not being a serious blogger. I think that life is serious enough. I need the frivolity of silliness, snarkiness and nakedness....uh, scratch that last one it has nothing to do with you - to ease the stress of everyday life.

I've gotten a funny post award and thinking blogger and a couple of others. I have never acknowledged them - but it's not because I'm being a bitch - it's because I didn't know quite what to say. I'm not good with the modesty thing...so while you saw no "THANK YOU"'s or "THAT'S GREAT I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO SAY"'s - I do deeply appreciate it and did the happy dance - accompanied by being insufferable in varing degrees (hush Carm).

I have gone from blogging every so often, to blogging everyday, to blogging intermitantly, to trying my best to put something up on Monday Wed and Fri.

I had quite a few readers once upon a time ago....used to get regular emails from a few....and even happily blog surfed to waggle my ass at someone in their comment box...but I don't do that much these days. The site meter would register a couple of hundred hits a day a few months ago and that used to be what would make my day...but not any more. The ol' bloggin engine is winding down...and I'm ready to go...and I think it's past time that I did so.

The 'ol blog just isn't as snarky as it used to be....and that's a good thing...because my snark usually equals anger...and I'm not as angry as I was even a year ago. I used to walk around constantly pissed off at everything, and this has given me a great place to really say what I wanted to say and learn from others...and I've learned quite a bit from all of you.

I guess really what I've been trying to say here is this:

Thanks for reading...and letting me read...and talking with me.

See you on the flip side.



Thursday, April 19, 2007

Walter is THE Man

Have you seen this?

Make sure there's nothing in your mouth when you watch it.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Flied Lice

ATM, this link is for you.

Chinese Food Song

Oh don't give me those hurt little puppy dog eyes. You can click on the link too.

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Monday, April 16, 2007


Mamatulip sent me some interview questions. Now let me shine my light on you all and answer them for you (HEY! who threw that rotten egg? Was that really necessary?)

1. Which celebrity -- and I mean any celebrity, dead or alive -- can you most easily relate to? Interesting question. I don't relate to any celebrity. I like several...but I can't really "relate" to any of them. To be honest, I don't really pay any attention to them...unless they are just fine as hell and then I think about....never mind what I think about. Next question please.

2. Name the top three things that really fuckin' piss you off. You're really limiting me here you know that don't you. Why do you have to limit the hate? Here they are, in no particular order(but I do reserve the right to alter this list at anytime with no prior notification):

3. What was the first blog you started reading? Do you still read it?
It was USED KITTY LITTER...and it's been deleted. The second one I started reading was Cheaper Than Therapy - and yes I still read her.

4. Tell us one thing you really love about your husband and one thing you really don't love about him.
ONE? You're killing me. Love - his ability to NOT talk down to me. I've found that most men do that to women with out realizing it. He has never done that to me. Not ever.

Hate - He doesn't pick up after himself.

5. Beer, wine or hard liquor? Hard liquor. I'm a tequilla chick. Tequilla sunrises - easy grenadine. Yum. No tequilla shots please - I'll get really drunk REALLY fast. I have no alcohol tolerance you know. It's a bit sad really....but it does save money.


Friday, April 13, 2007

Advised Needed Please

Today, we are going to take a break from our intermittently scheduled rants, snark and little kids stories for some serious discussion in which your advise is needed.

This will be a bit of a reader but please stick with me.....

I was talking to my sister in law on the phone the other night and she has a bit of a conundrum...her son. LOL Okay, not really her son, but her disciplining of said son.

David, (my nephew) is 18 months old and we were talking about disciplining our kids. Now before you all scream and cuss at me...understand I hit my children. I believe in physical discipline. I don't beat the ever living' crap out of them, but I do pop hands when there is touching of items that they shouldn't be touching...but I only hit and pop as a last resort after sufficient warnings - so believe me when I say we talked about it, she's tried it, and it doensn't work.

She needs advise on everyday disciplinary stuff. Stop climbing on that, don't do that etc.

I recommended counting and using her voice as a tool to help show David when he was sinking in ever deepening doo-doo with his mom. She advised that she tried the counting and when she would say "ONE" he would say "TWO" - thinking that mom was teaching him to count.

I personally send my son to bed for a minute. It's a terrible thing for him to be there and he comes out with hugs and kisses and "I SORRY" and says he won't do it again...until the next time.... IE Throwing himself on the floor because he didn't get his way.

Me - Connor, I said no more cookies and I mean what I say.

Connor - *throws self on floor*

Me - Connor, get up.

Connor - *screams and cries*

Me - ONE

Connor - *looks at me crying*

Me - TWO

Connor - *screams no mommy no*

Me - THREE. Then I go pick him up and put him to bed and I set the timer on the microwave for one minute and I then go check on him yada yada yada. We have progressed to the point that all I have to do is ask him if he wants to go Night-Night and he'll straighten up...the key factor here being I always have to be ready to follow thru on my threats of putting him to bed..and he does call me on it from time to time....testing limits.

For Connor, I have found this to be a very effective discipline. Spanking doesn't work with him, and was/is seldom needed with Lauren....

Counting worked great for Lauren, I rarely ever had to physically discipline her. She was so sensitive and people pleasing, all I had to do was look at her and tell her "Little girl, you're getting ready to have a bad day" and that would be that.

The problem here is Marla is at a loss of how to discipline David. He laughs at her if she spanks him...it doesn't bother him to be sent to his room.

The only other thing that I can think of is time out..and he seems to young for that.

What advise can you Moms out there give .... no flogging isn't an option.. Seriously, she needs a hand here. What do you and your friends do? Do you know of any good blogs or websites that deal with this sort of thing?

I apologize for being gone for a full week, but I've been looking up some things on the internet and got distracted. NO! IT'S NOT PORN. you sicko.


Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You Always Told Me It Built Character

Why don't you just shut up.

I'm so damn sorry your leg hurts, but what the fuck do you want me to do about it?

Should I pour on the sympathy? I get sick of that really quick you know....and you're worse than the kids with you whining sometimes - you know that?

I didn't see you feeling bad for me when I had tendinitis from my ankle to my hip and could barely walk.

I didn't see you feeling to terribly bad for me when I broke my poor little pinkie toe and I hobbled around for a bit.

I didn't see you feeling bad for me when I had multiple hairline fractures thru my feet and legs and was in a lot of damn pain.

I didn't see you feeling bad for me when I was at home with the kids and ALL of us had a nasty stomach virus. You went to work and left me at home to take care of everyone - vomit and diarrhea all around. You just fucking left me there feeling like death to take care of everyone - including myself.

...and now you want me to take care of you. AWWW. Poor baby.

Suck that shit up and drive on.

I don't feel bad for you.

Take some Extra Strength Tylenol and go away.

I have two children, not 3.

....and make your own damn Dr.'s appt. You have 2 - two - cell phones. Pick one of those bad boys up and make your own fucking appointment. I have a job too.

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Friday, April 06, 2007

Feel The Love

This is my Pimp.

This is my Pimp on drugs.

Okay, okay, in all seriousness - he's not my pimp. That's my son..aka The HEATHEN. Hero. Midget Man. Little Dude. Mean Baby. Little Baby. Belly Man. Cuteness. Stubborn. Jr. Little Daddy. The walking - MAKE MOMMY SCREAM MACHINE.

Look deeply into his shockingly hazel eyes...you can see the love he has for his mother if you look really hard and relax and clear your mind. Enjoy the peace of your surroundings. Everyone coming together in friendshit...er friendship and peace. Your eyelids are getting heavy and you're getting sleepy. So very, very sleepy. No, this isn't the time for a Red Bull. Just relax and feel the baby love. Now just relax. How do you feel? Good. That's very good.

Now I want you to think about your bank account....yes, that's good....very good. Now I want you to tell me about it...just so you can release your stress from thinking about money and bills and just give all that stress to me. Let me have your stress. Let me help you with your bank account.

Yes, that's right. Let me help you. Let me do this for you. Don't you feel better? Feeling that stress just melt away like purged poison.

Now take a deep cleansing breath, and tell me your routing number.

That's good, but give me just a minute...I need a pen. Okay, once more please. That's very good. You are a very good girl aren't you. That's right. Tell me about your savings......I meant lack of savings. No, we don't need to talk about that any more.

Enjoy the peace of mind I have given you....take another cleansing breath and feel the the tension and angst leave your body thru your finger tips. Now I want you to take those same finger tips and sign this Power Of Attorney. That's very good. Very, very good.

Yes, you are a good, good girl. Let me pet your head. ..... Don't use so much hairspray next time, I cut my finger....but you're still good aren't you.

Now I want you to wake up very slowly. Slowly slowly slowly. When you wake up, the only thing you will remember is the cute baby pictures I showed you earlier, and you will awaken with intense feeling of friendship and love for me. No, not that kind of love....*ahem* I didn't know you were that way....the friendship love. Yes that's right.

Nothing but love and friendship and shopping.

And powerful baby love.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Things That Just KILL Me - aka ANAL RUBS

I have a few things I need to get off my chest - and I'm not talking about my boobs.

I haven't had a good rant in a while and I'm do - so shut your trap about it.

First - Why in the hell didn't somebody tell me that eating healthy would make me fart so damn much? I'm not talking about a little "poot" here and there - saying I "poot" would imply that they are somehow lady like and non-offensive. No so I'm afraid - I'm talking I can blow the windows out of a vehicle with bullet proof glass. I get around on my own jet propulsion. I don't have to buy as much gas because MY gas is a suitable substitute once liquefied (now if that isn't a sick thought I don't know what is). I'm loosing friends. I'm using WAYYYY to much air freshener...and it doesn't even really work - my office smells like a shitty spring breeze and you don't EVER want to go into the bathroom here because it seems I'm always just coming out of that bad boy and the walls have mysteriously turned from white to green - but I'm not claiming responsibility for that. - I'm blaming you.


I love cats. Really I do, but I'm gonna kick some kitty asses. Granted - I was the dumb ass that left my windows down the other night so the kitty could get in my car. BUT THE FURRY LITTLE BASTARD DIDN'T HAVE TO SPRAY IN MY CAR. I had a meeting with several other people in offices all around the state and I smelled like cat ass....and the first person who laughs and tells me I smelled like a Pussy is going to get the stomping of their life. I guess I'm lucky cause nothing makes a good impression like stink lines and and the odor of cat ass.

Third - You people are some twisted fucks you know that? No, really, you are. I'm not kidding. There is no way I could count the times that people have clicked on my link when they google NIKKI THE NEXT DOOR PORN or some such shit. Apparently, there's a very popular on-line porn chick named Nikki, and I can tell you, this girl is LLLLOOOOVVVVVEEEEDDDD. I have also been found by someone who googled hairy armpits, people who are looking for the advantages and disadvantages of having CURVES, and some poor dumb shit who is apparently stressing out because her baby keeps sticking his tongue out and she wants to know how to stop it. Who ever you are lady, you really need to chill the hell out. If your BABY is sticking out his tongue and you are stressing out over that - you're gonna have a friggen break down when he blows chunks all over your new white shirt. Take some Valium and get back to parenting already - your kid will thank you.

Forth - Don't send me an email full of questions and then call me and ask me all the questions you just sent me before I can respond to you. HOLY SHIT. DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. I mean really. What's the fucking point of doing both? Do one or the other for Pete's sake. Try not to show the world that you're a dumb ass humm?

Fifth - I finally flipped out today in traffic. I let a dumb bitch in traffic and the little trick didn't even wave her thanks. After sitting in a traffic jam for 90 mins, and only going 8 miles, I had had it. I pulled up beside her - motioned for her to roll down her window and proceeded to education her tarty ass in some fucking driver courtesy. That little bitch. I was nice enough to let her in, she can be nice enough to throw her bright pink claws in the air to say thank you - that is - if she can wave and pop gum and the same time - the stupid little shit.

Sixth - Why in the hell don't people around here know that when another driver flashes their lights at them it could mean a couple of things - turn your lights on - or the most obvious one - THERE IS A COP UP AHEAD! SLOW DOWN OR YOU WILL GET A TICKET. Okay, I have to be fair, some people do know what it means, and 2 or 3 of them have actually waved thanks...but do you know what really kills me?????

I was flashing my lights at on coming traffic on a sunny morning to alert them to a cop up ahead, got waves of appreciation from a few, when the DUMB BITCH IN FRONT OF ME SLAMMED ON HER BRAKES!!!!!!! Now, I wasn't tailgating her - she was a good 7-8 car lengths in front of me (AND SHE HAD PASSED THE COP TOO!!!!!!) and apparently she got upset that I was flashing my lights at her. ... ... What a stupid bleach blond bitch. I told her oh so nicely that if I had been flashing my lights at her - I would have been riding her ass and not giving her so much space in front of me...and then I had to explain why I was flashing my lights. OMG.

I fucking HATE women drivers. Women seem to be so much more in tune with the popular TV shows, trendy fashion, and where the best sales are on cute shoes...but are friggin oblivious - OBLIVIOUS to the rules of the road and driver courtesy.

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Monday, April 02, 2007

He Learns From the Master

My life is complete now.

I have everything I need. I have done what I intended to do on this earth and I can now go meet THE BIG CHEESE with a clear conscience.

I have taught my son to cuss.


I try not to cuss in front of my kids, but it doesn't always work...and really it could have been anyone who taught him that word, but I really think it was me. I mean, he used it with such CONVICTION and FEELING - it had to me - there aren't to many people out there that can use vulgar language like I can - it's my medium.

Reminded me of the time when Lauren was about his age...I put her on my lap to show her how the computer works so she could play some simple games, she turned around, put her cute little baby hands on my face and said "Mommy, you are such a bitch."

Now, while that may be true...she's not allowed to point that out until she's a teenager.

Connor took a completely different approach to try and get my head to explode from shock.

Let me set the scene for you.

Happy baby in the living room playing with stuffed animals...kiss-kiss, kiss-kiss - throw, giggle. Happy baby takes off clothes and beats himself in the stomach while yelling BELLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY. Happy baby looks a picture book. Happy baby plays with big Tonka truck - picks it up and drops it on his previously happy baby toes. Happy baby is no longer happy and proves this by saying. DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN MOMMY! while stomping his feet and then kicks Tonka truck again hurting his un-happy baby toes. Another chanting litany of DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN follows.

I can not move. I'm in shock - I'm totally shocked. I'm shocked he didn't say Fuck. That is, after all, the word I use the most.

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