What in the hell do you say to that?

I was in my bosses office talking with him about a client. Bossguy was sitting, I was standing - standing very innocently I might add, with my hand in my pockets.

I bent over his desk to get a better look at his computer screen.

"Hey Bossguy, can I use your mouse?"

"You can't touch my mouse Nikki. I'm a married man."

Toodles

Well boys and girls,

I'm gonna be gone for about a week.

I'm heading down to Savanah GA to see my mother and her husband. While I'm there, I'm stealing a whole bunch of her shit out of storage...okay, I'm not really gonna steal it...she's gonna give it to me...but if I say I'm stealing it, it makes me sound much more tough and hard assed don't you think?

Maybe not.

I don't know when we're leaving because we are waiting on hearing from her to see what her schedule is like, so you'll probably see me around for a couple more days...or maybe not. I don't know.

We'll be traveling at night so Super Baby will sleep and I hate traveling at night. My bedtime is generally 9 and it's gonna suck sweaty donkey balls having to drive 8 hours at night. ( DO YOU HEAR THAT? That teeny tiny little violin in the background? )

At anyrate....I'll be seeing you all in a bit.

Don't cry.

Crack, Caffine, THC

I hate spiders.

Most of you know this. I think they are disgusting...but I have to say, in the context of wildlife and Mother Nature, I'm interested in them and believe that they have rights like any living thing (the right to die).

I came across this video and it really upset me (snicker). Experiments like this are just wrong (but funny). Someone should do something (like make a lot of copies and send one to PETA).

Somebody call PETA (but what you call them will never be repeated by me).

BITE MY ASS AWARD

It's not often I present this award. As a matter of fact, this is only the second time I have done so, but I feel that it has been earned.

I ran into a girl I used to work with this morning. We were never the best of friends, but we got along alright in the office environment of big corp. company I used to work for.....translation: I left her alone, she left me alone, and we greeted each other occasionally and laughed at something together a couple of times.

We saw each other and stopped to chat a bit and somehow, someway, she brought up that she thinks I'm heartless.

"No shit." I said snickering "What makes you say that?"

"You remember So-and-So?"

"Yeah"

"When we found out she had cancer, you just shook your head and said it was to bad for her kids and then you walked away."

"Well, it is to bad for her kids. I don't see how expressing my sympathies for her kids make me heartless." I admit it, I was chuckling at her logic thus far.

Turns out, because I didn't chip in and send her flowers, and write a mushy message on a card I was heartless.

"Uh-huh. Look. I know you guys liked her, and that's all well and good for you. But I knew her better than you guys did considering I worked more closely with her - as in the same country! and I picked up more than my fair share of her work that she slacked off doing because she was a lazy piece of shit. I never liked her, and wasn't going to make all nicey-nicey with her when I found out she had cancer, just because she had cancer. I felt and FEEL bad for her two girls because it's gotta be a hard thing when you're mom's sick like that, especially since they were so little and probably didn't understand a thing about what was going on....but I'm not going to be a friggin hypocrite and send her messages of love while she's sick when I couldn't stand her when she was well. If that makes me heartless, then what the fuck ever."

Girl I Used To Work With is obviously offended by what I had to say. "You know she died don't you." This pissed me OFF. She was clearly trying to take me to task by telling me in the way she told me. Hand on hip, eyebrows making a V in her forehead, eyes narrowed. She wasn't letting me know friend to friend, she was trying to put me in my place.

"No I didn't know she died. I DO feel sorry for her daughters. It's gonna be very hard for them to grow up without a mom and if I could do something for them I would, BUT - regardless of whether or not she died - I still didn't like her, and while I don't like speaking ill of the dead, I'm not going to suddenly profess to be her best friend and sing her praises either. I can see that you're getting pissed and offended by what I have to say, that's just to bad for you and I don't give a fuck. Get the fuck over it." I walked away, and that was the end of the conversation.

Because of this conversation - trying to guilt me into mouthing words of friendship and respect I didn't feel...I would like to present to Girl I Used To Work With the BITE MY ASS AWARD. Frame it and hang it baby.

Have a nice day.

Wow

My husband sent me flowers. A dozen long stemmed red roses, with a vase and a little teddy bear to go with 'em.

He sent them to me at work.

I'm BLOWN away.

We've been together for 10 1/2 years, and this is the first time that has happened. He's picked me up a couple here and there every couple of years, but they have never been delivered, and never have I gotten any at work.

My office is filled with their sweet scent. My credenza is suddenly the most beautiful piece of furniture in the room.

The card that came with it read:

TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. FROM THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE. CHARLES AND CONNOR.

......

He can have the damn TV that reaches to the ceiling. I've got flowers...and a perfect man.

Odds and Ends

The washing machine is half dead, it no longer has a spin cycle. Well, that's not entirely accurate. It has a spin cycle..it just doesn't spin. It guess it would be more accurately described as the sit there and be soggy cycle...much better than the sit on it and spin cycle.

Our 36" TV went to that big repair room in the sky. Charles is terribly upset and obviously forlorn. We replaced it with the 19" TV from our bedroom that has the unfortunate habit of losing it's picture from time to time. Unfortunately, it loses it's picture more frequently these days and for longer periods of time. We used to be able to restore the picture with a light tap to the side, these days, it sounds like the percussion section in the high school band trying to get the damn thing to work.

The ice dispenser in the door of my fridge is only there for decoration now. I have to actually open the freezer door and reach into the tray to get my ice these days. WTF is that? If I wanted to do that, I would have just picked up the fridge that the Salvation Army had put out on the side of the road with a sign that said "Free to a good home"

My dog has the unfortunate habit of humping my cat...we're expecting kuppies any day now.

The age old question of why the chicken crossed the road will never be answered. The dumb bird got squished by a passing motorist just a few feet from my house. There's feathers everywhere (I'm not kidding).

I just read a news article that said a lot of people in a certain overseas country believe that jumping up and down after sex will prevent pregnancy. I don't know about you, but I think if you still have enough energy after sex to jump up and down - there's nothing to jump up and down about...and I have found that a solid punch to the face when initiating sex is the best birth control method I've encountered thus far - but my eye still hurts from the last time.

I'm still trying to figure out why in the hell the Capri Sun people have named one of their drink flavors "Cool Breeze" or some such shit. I think that it's marketing code for "this doesn't taste nasty enough to veto and we've spent a whole lot of time and money developing it so we'll put it on the market anyway...but we don't have the balls to say that it actually tastes like the flavor we were aiming for..so we'll just make some shit up to make it sound cool and the kids will want to drink it."

My daughter and I were sitting in the car waiting to go thru the car wash, when the guy in front of us opens his door, presses a finger against one nostril and blows the other nostril clean onto the concrete, reverse, repeat. I took the entire box of tissues out of my car and took them to him. If you're going to be disgusting enough to do that, I'm going to be rude enough to give you a box of tissues while trying not to blow chunks in your face.

We went shopping for a TV over the weekend and it was no surprise to me that Charles wants a 57" boob tube. He's been saying for years that once the 36" goes, he wants to move up to the 50's. What is the point of having such a big TV? I hate the idea. hate it. hate it. hate it. hate it!!!!!...but he never asks for anything...so I'm going to shut up about it, and we're going to spend the money that I wanted to use for a treadmill on a friggin TV, and the electronic monstrosity of a television will consume the entire living room and I will want to wretch everytime I look at it. I'm pissed about it...but I guess I'll get over it...in about 3-5 years, because that's how long I've been wanting a friggin treadmill. whaaaaaaaaaaa DAMN IT.

6 Weird Things About Me

Jazz tagged me with this one....and now I must add her to my "To Be Drawn & Quartered" list.

1. Whenever I buy a new book, I have to get a new bookmark to go with it. It MUST match. I would never be able to handle having a blue book cover with a brown bookmark. ALL of my books have their own bookmark. If there is a series that I am reading or have read...they DO NOT share...each book has it's own bookmark.
I started doing this a couple years ago. It had gotten to the point where I would loan out a book and it would be returned to me having the spine broken or the pages were dog eared. I hate that crap, so I started buying bookmarks for each book and it rarely happens anymore. I have however, lost a few bookmarks.

2. I can only use a towel ONE time in between washings. I know most people just hang up their towels and use them again the next time they shower...I DON'T. It grosses me out. I may hang the towel up to dry, but it will go in the laundry basket after it's dry. There are however, 2 exceptions to this rule. a) - I can wear my tericloth bathrobe at least 2 times and be okay with it. b) I can use the same towel to dry my hair twice. That is all.

3. This may be TMI but I'm having a hard time coming up with things that are weird so I'm putting it in....
I always wear a bra. Even when I'm at home in a ratty t-shirt and shorts bumming around or doing housework. I don't sleep with it on or anything (at least not regularly) but as soon as I get up I shower, brush my teeth, put on some anti-stink and the bra goes on....before the panties even. I have got to have one on...at all times...period. Jiggle Factor does not make you cool.

4. My pantry is kept in a strict discipline of neatness at all times. Have you ever seen Sleeping With The Enemy and she has to have the cans turned facing front and everything has to be just so? Yeah, well, that's me.

5. I can't put my laundry away unless it is folded in a particular way, or hang the clothes in my closet unless they are all facing the same direction.
For example, shirts. If they are to be folded, then you pinch the seam at the shoulder where the shoulder and the sleeve meet, shake out the shirt with a good POP, fold the shirt back so the shoulder seems that you are pinching touch - and the front of the shirt MUST FACE OUT, smooth the shirt to get at least most of the wrinkles out, grab the cuff of the shirt in your right hand and make sure that the sleeve is laying flat on your arm (doing the same with the other sleeve over the top of that one) and then fold AT THE SEAM WHERE THE SLEEVE HAS BEEN SEWN ON. DO NOT - OMG! - NO NOT FOLD THE SLEEVE SO THAT THE CUFFS ARE TOWARDS THE HEM OF THE SHIRT. FOLD THE SLEEVES TOWARD THE OPPOSITE END OF THE SHIRT. If the sleeves go over the shirt, fold them back on themselves and then fold the shirt in half so that the sleeves are between the top and bottom halves of the shirt. The front of the shirt should be facing to the LEFT, no sleeves should be poking out of the folded shirt. Lastly, smooth the top and you're done.
If you are hanging the shirt, it should face LEFT and have the top button buttoned. (let's all say a quick thankful prayer for hangers shall we hummmmmm?) I'm not kidding when I say that I have gone behind Charles a million times refolding the clothes that he has folded, though I try not to be obvious about it. I could be a little anal retentive on this issue, what do you think?

6. I can't stand it when someone where's their hat inside. In today's day and age of the ball cap, so many people are doing this and it's now considered normal. What is wrong with you people? Show some frigging upbringing. NO, it's not okay to wear it into Walmart - you're still INSIDE...and if you walk in MY door with a hat on your head, you had better be undergoing some serious chemo treatments. I won't even say Hi to you...the first thing I'll say is "Please take your hat off."


I'm all done now. Don't worry, I won't tag you....but you're still weird...weirder than me even.