Give Me Furniture Or Give Me Death

Man oh man!

I need some living room furniture in a bad way. I am absolutely fed up with it.

I would like to be free from fear - fear of sitting on the overstuffed armchair - scared that it's going to try to eat me again. Last time I tried to sit in the damn thing I sunk way down deep in it and COULDN'T GET UP. I felt like those old people on that commercial for Life Alert and wished to hell I had one. It was not pretty - especially since I was at home with just Connor and I was stuck - practically folded in half and pinned by a chair. (Yes,I have grace - what can I say)

*Grunt Grunt uuuugghhhh!*

"Damn it!!!! Son of a...hi sweet baby, mommy will be up to get you some milk in a minute. No, nonononooooo, please don't cry. Mommy will get you some milk, I promise. NO SCREAMING. Connor, look at that toy over there honey - isn't it cool."

*More wriggling and squirming*

"Sorry peice of shi...come here baby, give Mommy a kiss ...NO NO! Don't play with the vacumn cleaner honey, that's not a toy. I said to put it down. Connor Allen! Boy, you're getting ready to have a bad day"

*wriggle squirm wriggle squirm*

"Connor - SON! you're going to break it! Go play with Elmo, that's right Elmo. Elmo likes to dance. There you go! Dance with Elmo!"

*I try to dance along folded in half and trapped in the chair - the fluffy jaws of death had me in a firm grip - I could not get leverage to get out - it just wasn't happening.*

"Connor honey, don't throw Elmo. Pick him up. Connor, I said to pick him up."

*Connor toddles happily away*

*Son of a bitch - sorry rat ass bastard of a chair! I'm gonna burn this thing...if I ever get out of it."

Grunt, wiggle, squirm, cuss

"Connor! Connor! Come back in the living room sweetie! Do you want to sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider? Connor!"

Then suddenly without warning - the chair released me....I was free, and I haven't put my ass in that thing since.

No one else has had any problems with that damn chair. The frigging thing is out to get me.

I'm going to visit the Basset store....and I'm not buying any stupid overstuffed armchairs either

HAHAHAHA! Yes!!!!!

YES! YES! YES!!!!!

No, I'm not faking it - I'm talking about....I FIT IN MY SIZE 12 SHORTS!

HA HAHAHAHAHAHA MY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Granted they're a little tight (okay, a lot tight) but I can get in them.

Color me a shocked fool.

I'm also fitting into a rather form fitting shirt - AND I LOOK GOOD in it too!

*does stupid dance and scares people*

I just hope I can lose enough by monday of next week to actually be able to zip them up without holding my breath LOL.

NOW!!!!

To the person who found me by googling "mom takes it up the rearend"

PPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It certainly seems that way sometimes, but don't go getting any ideas.

I Said This Too

The whole Pledge of Allegiance thing is really twirling around my brain. (see comments - previous post). If this is not a subject that is interesting to you - aka - you don't give a shit - please click the "NEXT BLOG" button and get the fuck off my blog. This is my blog - my space - and I can damn well say what I please.

I am at a loss at how - EXACTLY HOW - can saying or hearing The Pledge or hearing the National Anthem bother or pissoff any American?

There are MILLIONS of people every year that break their ass trying to get here or stay here because we DO live in the greatest country on the face of Earth. We have more freedoms, more rights, more liberty, more opportunity than any other nation. People from other countries may bash us, but remember - it's the people from other countries that are trying to get here.

I am a Veteran. I was in the Army. I jumped out of helicopters and worked hellishly long hours in constant training to make sure that if the need were ever to arise, I could protect your family and mine...I could help protect our country. My job in the military was telecommunications, I was signed for MILLIONS of dollars worth of equipment, I carried the M16, the SAW (an automatic weapon), the M60 (the bigger version of the SAW). I have numerous awards and plaques from my service and I am PROUD of them. I am PROUD to be a Vet. I am PROUD to be an AMERICAN.

As soldiers, ALL of us had to train to understand and know what to do in case of Nuclear, Biological or Chemical attack. We were trained on how to give buddie aide - meaning, if a fellow soldier was hurt - shot - or maimed - we would all knew how to help him with some basic medical knowledge so that he/she WOULDN'T DIE.

I missed my daughters first steps doing what my country called me to do. My husband missed my daughters first steps doing what our country called him to do - he left and she wasn't even crawling - he came back and she was running - leaving me to be a full time, working, military, single/married mother in a forgeign country where I didn't know anyone and had no support. My brother left his infant son when he was barely 2 months old - missing first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Birthday, first steps, first tooth, first word, to do his SECOND tour in Iraq doing what his country called him to do. How many soldiers have left home to fight to protect us? How many soldiers have died? How many soldiers have to listen to demoralizing bullshit about people bashing what they are doing?

Don't pull that bullshit on me about how you're upset with what's going on in Iraq because all the people are dying and that's why you're against it - cause I don't want to fuckin hear it.

Do you know why they are dying? The are dying to keep us safe - your family - my family - ALL of us. They are puttin their families on hold - their everyday lives on hold - putting their lives on the line to keep another 9/11 from happening. Don't belittle the sacrifices these soldiers make by saying "Thanks but no thanks" - why don't you fucking hit them instead - I'm sure they would probably take that better than being snubbed in such a petty, shitty, condescending way.

Don't sling that mass media crap at me about how we aren't being effective and doing what we need to be doing. Go here,and here and it will tell you what's really going on over there.

For fucks sake - when you hear the National Anthem - when you hear about amber waves of grain, purple mountains majesty and fruited plains from sea to shining sea - your heart should be damn near to bursting from the love that you feel because THAT IS America - that is where we live. When you see the flag waving lazily in the breeze, or popping in a sharp wind - BE THANKFUL - be PROUD.

You will never, EVER hear me say war is a pretty thing, and I wish to GOD - HOW I WISH! - that we didn't have to be there - but I believe in what we are doing - I believe in us. I believe that we can make things better and safer for us and for them - not by forcing our culture on them - but removing the crap from the fundametalist bastards that has been forced onto them.

It frankly disgusts me that someone - ANYONE - can't even bring themselves to say The Pledge of Allegiance - or cringes when they hear the National Anthem. That's just a bunch of shit. PERIOD - and if you think otherwise, please feel free to delete my link and don't fucking bother me again with shitty comments. I'd really rather not have you here.

You can disagree with the politics of the Nation, you can disagree with the wars (Iraq and Afghanistan) and you can disagree with any fucking thing that you want - but if you disagree with THE PLEDGE....then get your sorry ass out of my face.

Yeah, I Said It

Yeah, the comments were gettin ugly on that last post, so I turned them off.

The whole point of the post I think was missed.

I was meant to be a humorous jibe at what a difficult and low paid job teachers have and how they are not allowed to pray in school for guidance on a particularly horrible day (ie - dear powers that be, please keep my hand from stabbing this kid in the eye with this pencil - or - oh no, here comes Little Johnnie's mom - please grant me patience so I don't tackle her at the knees) or even thank the powers that be on a good day (ie - whew! sure am glad that kid moved - or - I sure am glad I don't have to go to that stupid meeting).

BUT! Since the subject was broached, I'm going there.

I do believe in the separation in church(or mosque or temple) and state, but I also believe that it should be okay to pray OUT LOUD in school regardless of your religion.It shouldn't be a problem because most of the worlds population believes in a higher power of some sort.

Whether you believe in GOD - no matter what language we worship him in, there shouldn't be a fucking problem with loving him. There also shouldn't be a fucking problem if you believe in GODS or anything else.

The issue here with me is this.....

If we believe in a higher being, why shouldn't we be allowed to show our love for him/her/them - as long as there is no sacrificing/mind control/torture/moral problems/etc.

I don't believe in pushing religion of any type down anyone's throaght - it's all about letting us do our own individual religious thing.

Why is there such a problem with this?

What in the fuck is wrong with people? Are we all so damn narrow minded that we can't accept what other people believe? It's not a matter of embracing everyone's beliefs, it's not even entirely about understanding them, it's having the the fucking decentcy to embrace people for who they are, regardless of how/who they worship.

YOUR approval, MY approval - it's not fucking needed.

I was just talking to Bossguy about this and he said that back in the day, it was a mandatory part of the day for the teachers to read a passage out of the bible, pray out loud and say the Pledge of Allegiance.

I can totally see how this would bother someone who is Jewish, or Muslim, or Buddist etc. - with the exception of the Pledge of Allegiance. (I do believe the phrase UNDER GOD should stay btw. - I can't see how this would bother anyone - unless you're atheist - and you can just skip that part)

Comments are open on this post. Come be a bigoted asshole - Please.

It's Either Prayin or Cussin - you pick

Someone emailed this to me and I just had to post it:



After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right:

"You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial
behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

"You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

"You want me to do all this and then you tell me...

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

OTLA UPDATE

Weight - 187

Ass - bigger than ever

Scale - squished flat

You may now rub it in that I gained weight. I blame this entirely upon Stinky. I have had bar-b-que ribs that fell from the bone in tenderness, chicken and dumplings, home made mac and cheese, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans cooked in the traditional southern way with bacon in them, and ice cream - all in the past week.

Like I said...it's all Stinky's fault...if it didn't taste so damn good, I wouldn't eat it.

I think you all put him up to this. You are all partners in crime. You're in cahoots, I just know it.

Damn scheming wenches.

Hello My Bitches

I thought I'd stick my head in the door to show you I still have all my hair and let you know how things are going.

First of all, Stinky tells me I have a lot of loyal readers in the land of big bad TX. (The grand state where people will kick your ass for making fun of the freaky road systems and they are infinately proud that Texas could break up into 5 smaller states at any given time - why I don't friggin know, but I know that you are proud because every time I meet someone from Texas, they make sure they tell me all about it). May I eloquently say "What's up?" with a nod of my head and thank you for subjecting yourselves to this particular torture.

Secondly, I would like to say a heart felt appreciation to everyone who left a comment on my blog about the "Cat Punting Incident" as I have come to call it. Everytime I logged on to take a look-see around and check my comments...saw there was more comments....I sweetly told him he had more hate mail. I would like to thank you for you words - seriously - he has sworn to me that he will never lay his hands on my animals again - and Charles doesn't break his word. Your words with mine seem to have brought him around and both cats have come home and gotten cleared by the Vet. It took several days before Night-Night would be coaxed and cajoled back into the house, but I finally got him and he hasn't left yet. That's just fine by me. He's very soft and makes an excellent head warmer while I'm sleeping LOL.

Thirdly, Carmachu wanted to know the history on my cats....

All three of my cats are rescues. Back in Feb 2002, I went to pick up Lauren at daycare and a very small cat (not kitten) tried to slip into the building behind me to get out of the cold. I said something to one of the teachers about the little kitty outside and she replied that the cat now lived in the bushes outside the facility and had been there for several days...to her knowledge, she had not eaten. Lauren looked at me with her sweet little girl face and asked if we could keep her (she's an animal lover like her mother). I went home, got a card board cat carrier and went and got her. We named her Jezebel, started calling her Jazz, and she's been one of the best cats I've ever had. I think someone had her and turned her out because I never had to teach her to use the litter box, the scratching post and she has never ever jumped up on the counter or the table. She is full of manners and is almost prissy....she's also very skittish but I've never had a more gentle and sweet natured cat. She pats me very gently on my face with her paw when she wants me to pet her, and she has only scratched me once the entire time I have had her, and that was on accident when we were playing with her feathers. She was starving when we took her in. I could clearly see her ribs and the vet recommended I turn her into the shelter because of her condition. I didn't, and she sleeps at my feet every night.

A few months after we moved into this house, around Thanksgiving (this is about 2 years after we got Jazz), I kept hearing a kitten meowing over at our property line with our neighbors (not the neighbors I've told you about before) and figured they had either gotten a cat or had taken one in (as we had a colony of feral cats here). For 3 days, I kept hearing this kitten and finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside and called and he trotted right up to me. I thought that Jazz was skinny, but this cat was half dead. I can honestly say, I had not, up to that point, seen a cat in worse condition than he was at that moment. We named him Tom (after begging Charles to let us keep him) and he and Jazz eventually learned to get along well. He likes to curl up in the crook of my arm or my knees when I sleep.

That very next year, again in the winter, Charles and Lauren and I were in the living room and I happend to look outside through the sliding glass door. I was shocked to see a cat looking in. He was laying down with his feet tucked underneath him and was looking directly at me. I said "Charles! Look at that! Have you ever seen a cat do that - a cat that you don't know?" "There might be something wrong with him. That's not normal." I was inclined to think he was right. Tom is very territorial - even after being neutered - and does't allow cats around the house. But it was cold, we had just had a bit of snow with a thick layer of ice on top and he looked kind of thin - at least insofar as I could tell with dim porch lighting. "I think he's cold and hungry."

Lauren finally perked up and wanted to know what we were talking about. I pointed out the cat on the back porch and she of course wanted to keep him. We both told her immediately that it was out of the question since we already had enough pets and couldn't afford any more vet bills...but I kept looking at that cat. It was late, and animal control wouldn't be able to come out our way until they cleared the roads, and that was going to take a while since we live so far out in the country - days.

"I'm going to check him out honey. At least give him a box to sleep in or something and give him something to eat."

"God NO!" We can't afford what we have now! Don't feed him or he'll keep coming back."

"I know we can't keep him honey, but I just feel so bad for him. I'll give him a look and something to eat, you know he's cold. When Monday rolls around, I'll take him to the shelter myself." (we have no kill shelters here)

Charles finally agreed and I bundled up and opened the sliding glass door to go check him out. He ran in the house and made himself as at home as much as we would let him. He REFUSED to be coaxed into a cat carrier to be taken to the vet and animal control never came. He had pretty bad frost bite on his paws (and his over all condition was terrible - I think he would have been dead with in a few days or less if we hadn't fed him - his general condition was aweful, just so hearbreakingly terrible) and he needed to be looked at...but I have never had a cat get ugly with me like he did when he saw that cat carrier. I called the vet, he remembered me from Jazz, Tom and my dog Spud and knows my neighbors S and J (which is how I got his name - S is a big animal lover)and he stopped by...free of charge. (Yes, I almost had a stroke) The vet offered to take him then, but Charles had made the fatal mistake of becoming attached to him and let me see it.

Neither Tom nor Jazz are lap cats. Night-Night is, and that's what Charles likes.

It was so weird when the vet offered to take him, the cat just looked at me like he KNEW what was going on and was asking to stay. I looked at him and said half jokingly "Don't look at me! If you want to stay go talk to him" - pointing at Charles. He trotted up to Charles, jumped in his lap and preceeded to lay on the love. Lauren and I looked at each other and went "AAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" and Charles told us to stop because we weren't keeping the cat - the whole time rubbing him and loving on him and I could see he was melting like hot butter.

We spent two days picking out his name. He's the one that sleeps on my pillow.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We now have four adults, 4 children ages 8,6,4, and 17 months, 2 goldfish, 2 hermit crabs, 3 dogs and 4 cats in my house. Oh, correction, make that 2 cats (one is mine, one is Stinky and Redhead's). It seems that Charles treated our 2 Tom cats as furry little footballs last night. Punted them right off the back porch, and he kicked one so hard that one even landed on the grill (or actually slid down the lid). Then he showed true man wisdom by telling me about it.

I won't even go into the "conversation" that ensued. Let's just say that he won't be doing that again because he wants his testicles to stay attached to his body. I'm still mad...seething actually.

I know some of you may find this funny when you visualize the cats flying through the air with stunned expressions on their faces and then hearing the "THUNK" of one of them as he made contact with the grill. Rest assured, I don't find that shit in the least bit funny.

My poor kitties. I love my cats - treasure them even. I even had a cat rattle when I was a baby. Me and cats are a package deal. If you don't like cats - then you can pack your shit and go 'cause I'm gonna have me a kitty...PERIOD. I let them sleep on my pillow and pet them in my sleep... SHUDDUP.

Both of the kitties that Charles scored a goal with just showed up at my house one night. The first tom cat (who we ingeniously named TOM - a beautiful tabby cat) came out briefly from underneath the house today and I was able to check him out. He didn't seem any worse for wear. I'm sure his ribs are a bit sore and I'll be taking him to the vet to be checked out as soon as I can coax him in the cat carrier. I was foiled in my attempt to do that today when Charles came out on the back porch and the cat saw him. Apparently, it was to much for Tom (flashback for him I guess...like a bad trip on acid...or so I hear), and he beat all four feet getting the hell out of dodge. Can you blame him? I shot Charles the stinky eye and shoved him, and I don't mean I shoved him in any playful sort of way either.

The other tom cat - black as pitch (we thought about naming him "Midnight", but that name has been done to death, "Turd" had also crossed my mind but I didn't want Lauren going to school telling her friends that she pets her Turd, so we named him Night, which very quickly changed to Night-Night)and looooves to eat. He came to the edge of the yard (about 20-30 yards away) and sat there looking at me and slunk away when I called him. I'm guessing he's the one that became intimately acquainted with my grill...what do you think?

In my house, there are a few things that are just sacred. ONE - my animals. TWO - Charles' Nascar races. THREE and FOUR - don't pertain to this conversation.

There will be a reckoning, you can bet your sweet ass on that. NO ONE TOUCHES MY ANIMALS. I have this funny feeling that all his Nascar races are going to be deleted from the DVR, ALL VHS tapes will be erased and his fucking #3 Dale Earnhardt throw cover is going to mysteriously disappear, along with his favorite Nascar mug, his sorry ass Nascar collectible bullshit that is collecting dust sitting on top of the mirror of my dresser,the fucking latch hook Nascar Checkered flag I've been doing for him, and just for fun, I will purge all traces of "Adult Entertainment" from this house just to piss him off. He will tune into his race next week to find that I have locked his sorry ass out of it and only I have the password. I'm also going to screw around with his Nascar bullshit that he keeps on line.

Oh yeah, I'm a pissed bitch. You just don't treat animals that way. He WILL learn.

Oh, and I'm sure you are wanting to know why he kicked the kitties....we finished cleaning out the den late last night and found that one or both of them (definately not the other one.."Jezebel" we call her "Jazz" - she's very skitish and won't go anywhere in the house except for my bedroom)had crawled into a couple of the boxes and used them for a litter box. We also found a couple of piles of kitty poo one on some folding chairs and one on his very expensive golf bag that he never uses. One of the boxes that was treated with such malice was family pictures...some of those are baby pictures of Lauren that had been blown up AND FRAMED and they can't be replaced. We had some of them professionally done. I'm hoping the frames afforded some protection, I'll be taking a look later in the week. I just can't bring myself to look right now.

To be honest, I'm pissed about it myself, but that doesn't excuse his behavior as far as I'm concerned.

Maybe I wouldn't be so pissed if he had taken the cats and showed them what they had done and put them outside or whatever, but he just went into the bedroom, snatched the cats off the bed where they were sleeping, and watched to see how far they could fly.

Mini Humps

Hey Everybody.

I'm going to be taking a bloggin' break. My friends are moving in this weekend and it's going to take a while getting everyone and everything settled. I'll still be doing my Operation Lose That Ass updates and I'm sure a sporadic update here and there.

While I'm gone, I've got some of the blogs I read for you below.

Please don't be upset if you're not on this list. I tried to get to everyone and there was just no way for me to do it. I apologize Rain, Sophia, Rev, Wayne, Mama Tulip, Mama C, and about 50 more that I read. You guys rock too (except for Rain) and just didn't have time to do more.

A Bug's Life - Pan lives in Milan Italy. She's a teenager - 18 now I think. She's very sweet and I really like it that she takes a look at herself in an intellectual sort of way, and she's a lot of fun. My favorite posts of hers are of the signs.

Beer Drinking Scale - 0 - Sorry Pan, but here in the States, you're underage.

A Tykes Progress - St Jude is a woman among women. Gracious, thoughtful, funny and very down to earth. I quite like her and wish to high heaven that SHE had been my mother in law instead of this demon woman I'm cursed with now. My personal favorites of hers are her Experiments. Don't know what I'm talking about? To bad for you, cause they are FUNNY.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 . She's just one of those people that you'd love to sit down and chat with.

An Allegorical Life - Kat is the woman! I love her quirky sense of humor. The woman has brains and sometimes just shocks me. She has kindly pointed out that I am not a fuckity fuck-fuck. She's such a sweetie.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause I would love to get this woman drunk and hear some of the stuff that she would come up with. Hey Kat..do you guys do confessions? ..and if you do, I'll get you really really drunk just so I can hear some of it. LOL


Call Me Soccor Mom and DIE - I love Christina - in that special non lesbian way. She constantly takes me by surprise. Her humor is so great. A gar-un-teed giggle if you go visit her - that is - if you have a good sense of humor. A real and gen-u-wine person.

Beer Drinking Scale - 4 - only because she's a preachers wife and it would freak my sinnin ass out...uh never mind, make that 5 cause she's funny.


Desert Odyssey - I love this guy. I have ribbed him endlessly and he has taken it with real grace and good humor. I mean, really, some of the shit I have talked to this guy...(snicker). I really like it when a man can take a joke and I just can't seem to fight off cracking on how a guy named Lucky Humped me and how good it was for me. (MUST. FIGHT. WISECRACKS)(wipes sweat from forhead)Lucky has a brain. His posts are intellegent with a sprinkle of "little kid" all at the same time. I enjoy his blog.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - because I think he's be a laid back kind of guy. I'd buy. (no this is not an attmept to get him raving drunk to take adv...sorry Lucky - I caught myself LOL)

DILLIGAF - this guy is fucking hilarious. I found him thru Lucky's blog. His blog title stands for - DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK. If you want to laugh up roarously, go visit him. To me, he gives off a real - I DON'T GIVE A FUCK attitude, and I respect that. He doesn't seem to be one of those people who secretly give a fuck but try to hide it. I get the distinct impression that he really doesn't give a fuck.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5, and I would buy them all, just to get him to tell me some stories and to hear him talk shit.

Dirty Laundry - OMG OMG OMG. This chick makes me knee slap sometimes. I distinctly remember one of her comments on my blog that made me laugh manically "so i'm immature, so blow me" I have loved her in that special non-lesbian way ever since. I like that she says what she means. I'm very excited about her being pregnant because it's such an awesome thing - even though it can be difficult and painful and piss you off because your body goes to shit. Don't sweat it - that little person is well worth it. Go read her blog. It's not all about pregnancy and what not - she just tells it like it is. (btw -- I'd be happy to make a baby blanket if you would like - just tell me the colors)

Beer Drinking Scale - 0 - sorry Becka, but the whole preganacy thing means no. I will however have several large cups of water with you and watch you run to the bathroom every 10 seconds.

Dooce - If you haven't read this lady you are really missing out. She is so so so funny. I don't read her everyday, I check in on her about twice a week and usually get a good giggle.

Beer Drinking Scale - 0 - this chick is on some meds and I don't want to introduce alcohol into her system. No thanks. Her writing is funny, but I wouldn't want to hang with her.

Dribblingwitt - This woman tells some of the best stories I have ever read. I don't know how to explain it other than that. I love her writing style and she comes across as secretive, but open at the same time. A great writer.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause I want to write like that one day.

Eva Las Vegas - What can I say about Kristin that most of us don't already know? She's great and now is a writer for MONEY. Say it with me kids...say writer for MONEY. ALL HAIL KRISTIN! You go with your bad self girlie.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause if I get her drunk, maybe I can talk her into getting me a job doing that same thing....oh wait, there's no publication out there that allows swearing...never mind...but I'd still drink a beer with her.

Fun With Hand Grenandes - Dread Cow takes you on a journey with his blog. I have read all of his archives up to the current day. He's a soldier deployed to Iraq and tells it like it is. I visit him often, though I rarely comment. This blog is important to me in a way since he and my brother are over there at the same time, though I don't think in the same place. He's currently on hiatus, but he's still worth your reading time. It'll open your eyes to what's really going on over there - sans mass media bullshit.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause he's over there doing what needs to be done, protecting all of our families. Dread Cow, I'd buy for you and all of your buddies if I ever have the chance.

Heather's Small Space -Heather is a gamer and she keeps her blog mainly to let her family know what's going on with her. Very nice person and can kick anybody's ass any day of the week with her crosstitching ablility.

Beer Drinking Scale - 3 - cause I'm jealous that she can cross stitch like that and the only thing I can do is tangle the thread.

If It Wasn't This It Would Be Something Else - one of the very few open and giving to a fault people I know, in or out of blogland. I'm proud to call her my friend.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - no further explination needed.

Jennster - this is the most fun chick out there. She's not about being a bitch or whatever, she is who she is. A very bubbly natural personality - very gen-u-wine. But don't go visit her if you don't want to be called a Fucktard or a Whore, cause she'll make you cry.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause I would love to see this chick drunk..er..as long as she doesn't puke or anything LOL

Kevin Charnas - you are missin out if you haven't read this guy yet. He is fuckin hysterical. There has been more than once where I have spit something on my computer screen. He's genuinely funny. He doesn't give me the vibe where he has to stretch it - he just is who he is.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5, but only if he brings Will and that chick he keeps talking about that over heard the conversation thru the bushes. SUCK IT SUCK IT. Don't know what I'm talking about? to bad for you. It's one of the funniest posts ever.


Memoirs of Misha - My soul sista. Misha is a truely twisted individual that somehow makes the rest of us believe she's normal (yeah right). She's a belly dancer!! (Go Misha! Go Misha) She's also one of the biggest smart asses on the face of the earth. LOL I love her humor.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause she is friggin hilarious and I can see a table full of us bullshitting and hurling spit balls at men.

Mhitheag - a photo journal. They take a pink bag with them on their travels - great theme.

Beer Drinking Scale - 1 - I don't know them, but would like to sit down and have them tell me all the places that they've been and all the things they've done. A bit scary though, since I don't know them at all.


Now What The Hell Do I Do - Nikki is an absolute trip. She can talk some shit buddy, let me tell you - a trait I rather admire LOL. She's all about her son Aaron and loves her some Elvis sighting Wednesdays.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - she's just cool like that.

Oh, The Joys - I enjoy - really enjoy that she is not afraid to make fun of herself and is very honest. She just gives me that "I am who I am" vibe and I like it. She talks a lot about butts and poo b/c she has wee ones and that's what moms do. But, I have to say, in my opinion, no one else could talk about butts and poo and make it funny like she does. Not gonna happen. I also think is terriblely funny that she claims to love to cuss, though I have never seen her do it. LOL

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause I think she is friggin hilarious and anyone who can make butts and poo sound fun ...I wanna drink a beer with 'em - then tell them the terrible, horrible truth about how butts and poo are icky and gross and she really needs to get a grip on reality...nah, never mind, it'd fuck up her blog.


Only Happy When It Rains - Claire takes some really beautiful pictures and has a great photo blog. I just love her photos. We've shared a couple of emails and I really have to say that she is such a lovely person, one of those people that you enjoy knowing.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - even though I'm afraid if I got her drunk, I wouldn't be able to understand what she was saying because of her accent. LOL

Rhonda's Ruminations - I've touched on her before. You will have a hard time finding someone who will touch your soul like Rhonda can. She has a true gift. She can get inside you sometimes and give you the shivers and make you cry. I love her blog.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause I want to write like her too.

Seriously My Vay-Jay-Jay - This chick comes up with some of the most off the wall stuff I have ever run across. She's a nurse, which is what originally got me reading her. My mom's a nurse, thus the initial interest. The penis postings are by far my favorite, just because NO ONE ELSE ON THE FACE OF THE BLOGOSPHERE has post 2 or 3 back to back postings on biological man leashes. She will trip you out.

Beer Drinking Scale - 3 - because nurses see some scary shit and have to tell you all the gory details and I'm not quite sure if she's that type of drunk or not, so she scores a 3 just because of the unknown factor. LOL (mom, you've scarred me)

Single Life In Your 30's - I'll never forget the first post I read of hers. She mentioned GAYDAR - as in radar for gay men. That is so funny to me. I laughed so hard. OMG. If you haven't read her yet - poor you. I especially like her comments because her (actions) are so visual for me. On the posting I did of the practical joke hubby did to me, she put in (unpacks bags) and I saw her do it in my head. I love that shit.

Beer Drinking Scale - 5 - cause she's funny, goes to a lot of bars, and we could probably get in free at the majority of them. That's my kind of drinkin buddy right there. LOL

SHHHHHHHHH! It's A Secret

Sorry, I forgot to put up my OLTA update yesterday.

I gained a pound damn it. Sayre and Factor - HUSH. LOL

It really isn't my fault. I blame Charles. He came back from NC with a German Chocolate cake. He also came back with Out Of This World Cookies. Everything was home made and scrumptious.

I didn't want to eat all of that stuff. He made me do it. He forced the yummy moistness of the cake past my lips. He crushed cookies into itty bitty crumbs, shoved a funnel down my throaght and made me swallow.

I was outraged. I couldn't believe he would sabatage me in that way. I'm hurt beyond all words (are you buying any of this? I'm curious - cause I'm laying this on pretty thick).

I took drastic measures to lose some of these terrible calories that have magically turned to fat and attached themselves to my rearend. Do you want to know what I did?

I SHINGLED THE ROOF ON MY SHED. I'm not kidding.

I have often passed a group of builders swarming over a skeleton home and knew that it was hard work, and felt sorry for them working in the heat, but never really gave much more thought than that to it. The only thing I can say at the moment is OUCH.

OOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My ass hurts. My legs hurt (specifically my hamstrings). My wrist hurts. My back hurts. My knees are killing me. I'm one big ball of whiney pain.

Do you feel sorry for me?

NO??!!!!

You are wrong. Just wrong.

Huh? What was that?

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Don't tell anyone it's really all my fault. I'm looking for sympathy points here. What do you mean you aren't giving me any?

Fine, see if I share my cake....I MEAN...see if Charles shares his cake with you. Yeah...his cake....

East Coast Living

I had thought about breaking this up into 3 different parts, but that is going to take entirely to much effort and I have shit to do. Read some now, and come back later and read the rest if you can't stand to read it all in one go. (lazy ass)


I love living here on the east coast. Really I do. I've lived further inland and have visited as far west and north as Montana - and it was beautiful, but I like living here. Lots of trees, lots of green shit all over the ground (the animals have upset stomachs) and I can grow an ass load of flowers and shit if I can ever manage to keep the friggin Japanese Beetles from killing every damn thing (notice how I blame them).

There are a few disadvantages to living over here:

1 - Inbreeding. Laugh if you must, but it's a friggin reality. You know the story of somebody's cousin gettin' hitched to one of his cousins? Yeah well, I have a distant cousin that did that. I'm not kidding. They are second cousins and they have offspring. No shit. They were fully aware when they tied the knot. Apparently, it didn't matter. Their kids have 6 toes (okay, NOW I'm joking - or maybe not - I've never met their kids or seen their feet - of course, If I had seen their feet with out actually meeting them that would imply that they are detachable or they've been severed and either thought is just a little to "out there" for further contemplation)

2 - The BUGS. Oh My God. I have wolf spiders around my house that are as big as my palm. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. It's plain nasty.

We also have Japanese Hornets, Yellow Jackets, Bumble Bees, Carpenter Bees, Honey Bees, Wasps, stinging flies, biting flies, horseflies, gnats, mosquitoes, fleas, ticks, a BILLION species of moth, Black Widow spiders, Brown Recluse Spiders (I just found out the other day from one of my clients that there have been a rash of those biting people here lately), red backed spiders, regular black spiders, garden spiders, Japanese Beetles, cicadas, Katiedids, June Bugs, Beetles, cockroaches, termites, grasshoppers, crickets, camel crickets and any other kind of insect that "The Big Cheese" decided he wanted to torture me with. (Thanks for that God - 'preciate it).

I live in a cloud of DEET, go through endless cans of bug spray and I'm starting to seriously consider having an affair with "Bubba" (cause that is one guy the can chew some Hubby Bubba - even if he only has one tooth) the pest control guy to cut down on the monthly costs of treatment. Hey, it's all about home economics and tightening the budget belt. This is just one of ways they don't teach you in school or talk about in expose magazine articles. I mean, I've already seen his crack - you'd think he was a damn plumber with the way he shows it off or something, and you really know a lot about a guy after you've seen his crack.

3 - Storms. I hate storms. I'm scared of Thunderstorms. (insert wussy jokes here) I hate it when the storms roll in with low hanging clouds and the thunder shakes the house. I'm constantly walking to all the windows in the house - back and forth, back and forth, to look out of the windows. My x-bastard said I looked like a caged puppy - to wit I responded that I wouldn't be waggin' my ass in his direction anytime soon.

Hurricanes and all Tropical Storms suck big donkey dicks. They throw out tornados for fun and that just doesn't endear them to me. I want to keep my shit thank you. I won't appreciate having to crawl out from underneath the ruins of my homestead and walking a mile down the road with the baby on my hip to pick up old bank statements and deny that any of the other rubbish is mine so I don't have to pay to have it removed.

Ernesto the Pesto hit here this past friday. It wasn't to bad. I was expecting worse to be honest. It turned east before we got the full wallop and so we were spared the horribleness of the eye of the storm.

I worked all day and left at exactly 5pm. I was worried about some of the low spots flooding out on the roads for me to get home, so I drove as fast as was safely possible and beat feet to the house. I stopped by the little country store that is 2 1/2 miles away from my house and picked up a gallon of milk and a couple packs of cigs and went home. No worries.

I walked in the house and there was no power, no phones, no nothing. DAMN.

You may remember that Charles has been out of town in NC. We were also still expecting the worst of the storms in a couple of hours. So there I was, in the house with Lauren (who is also scared of storms) and with super baby, a dog, three cats, and I'm sure an endless variety of creepy-crawlys that had managed to squirm, wriggle and bore their way into my sactuary to get out of the rain. Did I mention it was starting to get dark? Yeah, the fun factor went right off the scale.

Like I said, it wasn't to bad. We got a lot of rain - which we needed and that was about it...except there were no lights and no phones. Super kid had mercy on me and went to sleep for the night at 7pm - an unheard of phenomenon. Lauren and I made a great big pallet on the living room floor and I read her some of The Hobbit until the lighting was bad enough I had to stop before my eyes exploded.

We made shadow puppets in the flickering candle light and watched the storm whip the trees around a bit.

The lights came on about 9ish and Lauren jumped up and down and yelled "MOVIE!" - so that was the end of the quality mother-daughter time.

The phones didn't come back on until about 6 or so Sunday night. Did I mention I have dial up? Did I mention that I read blogs EVERY DAY???? I was about to DIE. Hello, my name is Nikki, and I'm addicted to the internet.

I was FORCED - do you hear me? - FORCED to spend quality time with my family. Now they think I love them or something.

A Meme

Pendullum tagged me with this meme.

I've hired a PI so I can start stalking her. Love ya Bella...er..Shania...what ever your name is.

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1 Travel - I want to see Ireland, Scotland, England, India and Egypt. I also want to see the Pacific Ocean. I really want to joke on as many people world wide as humanly possible.

2 Take my honeymoon. Charles and I never did get to go on one, and he wants to go on a cruise. Whatever - we can go on the cruise baby, if that's what you want...but don't plan on sticking your head out of the door to often, you're going to be awful busy.

3 Raise my children to be responsible, intelligent adults. I don't want them to resemble me in any way.

4 Hold my babies baby's. Just thinking about this chokes me up. One day, I'll be holding a baby that I love beyond words, and I can give it to someone else to change the diapers. MAN! I'm looking forward to that.

5 I want to be published. I write quite a little bit but I have never had the balls to submit anything. I'm chicken shit, what can I say.

Things I Can Not DO

1 Cook. I do cook, you can eat it and you won't die. However, the likelihood of you accepting another invitation to my house for dinner is extremely slim. If you should accept for some odd reason - ie, you're a glutton for punishment - you'll probably want it in writing that Charles will cook dinner that evening.

2 Stop being a Smartypants. Of course, this isn't a trait or characteristic I'm looking to get rid of either. It's way to fun.

3 Forgive easily. That bitch who cut my hair last time is on my shit list. She better hope I don't ever find her - I will key her fucking car so deep that the metal will curl up like ribbons hanging from presents.

4 Hula-hoop...but really, at my age, who would want to? It looks ridiculous when adults try to do this - at least that's what I tell myself.

5 Not kill spiders and insects. They have to many legs - mother nature should go ahead and admit that she screwed up and get rid of them all. It would damn sure save me a lot of paper towels picking up their squished little bodies.

Things I Can Do

1 Spot a spider with in 50 feet. I have "Spidar" and it is my mission in life to eradicate as many as possible.

2 Give a good massage - I reduce Charles to a quivering mass of jelly to get my way.

3 Snore - and I'm really good at it too - don't be jealous.

4 Laugh at myself - I do some stupid stuff sometimes and I can't help but laugh. Don't worry, I laugh at you too. (I don't want you feeling left out now do I)

5 Play a good game of cards. I love Gin Rummy, Spades and Hearts, but I can't play poker.

Things That Attracted Me To My Husband

1 He had the respect of those around him, and it wasn't because he threatened to kick their ass.

2 He's easy going. It's my job to stress out over everything, I didn't want anyone trying to do it for me.

3 He's tall. I like tall men. Back when I was dating, you had to be a minimum of 6ft tall - I just feel like I should be looking up into your eyes when we get ready to kiss, not vice versa.

4 His hair - He has salt and pepper hair that he keeps short. I thought that he was older than I was and I've always had a thing for older men. Turns out he's 6 months younger than I am. I'm still thinking about kicking his ass for false advertisement.

5 His sense of humor. I've got to be able to laugh - and he makes me laugh all the time...except when he's nekkid.

Things I Say Most Often

1 Well Damn.

2 I love you

3 Check your Sugar, Booger. (Talking to Charles - one of his many nicknames is Boogerhead)

4 Lauren!

5 Little Dude, please let go of my knees!

Books I Love

1 The Hobbit

2 Harry Potter series

3 Wheel of Time series

4 The Grapes of Wrath (I love me some Steinbeck)

5 Where The Red Fern Grows

Movies I Love

1 The Green Mile - I love the thought that God - or fate - or chance - sent/created some one so purely good the way John Cofe is.

2 Phenomenon - and not just because John Travolta's in it. It's a good movie and I think it brings a good question - what sort of unlocked potential do we have in our brains?

3 The Shawshank Redemption - I can't say I care very much for Tim Robbins politics but I really loved the way he stuck it to the Warden in this movie. I also love Morgan Freeman and his narration of this movie was great. I really love his voice.

4 Forest Gump - I think this movie really says a lot about how fate can take us places we never dreamed of.

5 Driving Ms Daisy - A good "coming together" story of two people who live in a world segregated, not only by color, but by religion and socioeconomic status.

Hummmmm....Whom should I tag?

Christina and Super.

Have fun ladies! *throws kisses*