Holy Shit

Oh my, my,my.

I have found a blog that keeps me rolling with laughter.

Thanks to Kim for showing me the way.

This guy lives in a Monastery. He's a MONK! I'M CRACKING UP!!!!!

I didn't want to comment and show this guy my ass's ass (I mean really, would you show your ass to a religous man), so I thought about just linking to him...but that then posed the question; if I link to him, will I spread sin? Also, he may click on my name (not my ass)and come visit my blog and the first thing he will see is a BUSH and an ASS - it's not good to flaunt that sort of a thing in front of a monk.

I could be damned to hell for all eternity (as if I'm not already). It's not like I could leave a comment telling him not to come visit me, when we all know when you tell someone not to look, the first thing they do is LOOK, thusly I would again be damned to hell. If he actually read one of my posts! ... that would be a good enough reason for the Lord above to throw down some fire and brimstone so I think I'll just link to him, lurk on his blog, and leave it at that.

BUT NIKKI! WOULD YOU SPREAD SIN?

Answer - Most definately - I am a sinin' fool by nature and I would hate to be selfish and not share the love (read SIN).

Then I thought - Should I link to this guy when I have a reader who is a preacher's wife (denomination unknown) and another who is a female and is about to be ORDAINED?

Oh yeah, I'm linkin' to him.

My preacher's wife reader won't give a hoot one way or the other and will get a good giggle out of his blog.

The about to be ordained minister woman...hummmmmmmmm, that takes some thought (pause) k, all done. She's all growed up and can handle it and would probably laugh too.

This monk is so funny it's unreal. I can't believe I'm saying that. A funny monk (snicker...giggle...chortle...snort).

I've read about 10 or so of his posts and laughed at all most all of them. The man has snark and zing. God Bless him (he's gonna need it after I link to him)

Dear readers,

I give you (choir singing)

Soliloquy In An American Cloister.

And You You Wonder Why I Am The Way I Am

An especially endowed lady client leaves the office...

Nikki - Jim! OMG! Did you see that lady? She has obviously had those things done.

Jim - Why do you think that?

Nikki - Because no bra in the world pushes your boobs up until they touch your chin.

Jim - Well, that's okay with me. I enjoy artifically flavored food.

*********************************************

A conversation between hubby and I, after he refused to see reason...

Nikki - Alright! This is the part where I pluck you in the ding-ding.

Charles - This is the part where I pluck you in the ovary.

Nikki - Oh! (covering abdomen) YOU'RE GOING TO PLUCK ME IN THE OVARIES?

Charles - What was I supposed to say? That I'm going to pluck you in the clitoris?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Charles talks to Connor while he's whippin up dinner. Charles says "I'm gonna teach you how to cook little man. All the ladies will love you and want to keep you around...

Nikki - You know the only reason I keep you around is because you're a good cook.

Charles - You know the only reason I keep you around is because you have big boobs.

_____________________________________________

On my birthday, the office threw me a little party. They got me a cake and they all signed a card.

There are 4 other people that work in my office, one person signed Happy Bithday Nikki, another signed Happy 21st Birthday Again, one simply signed his name, JIM however, lovingly signed

Happy Birthday Bitch.

No one has seen him since.

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

Riding down a back road and I read a street sign incorrectly...

Nikki - Well, don't I just feel stupid!

Charles - Stupid...ER

Sigh

I'm 32.

Could be worse I guess.

I could be 132.

It Takes a Special Kind of Stupid

I really don't know where to start, this is so damn stupid it deserves to be posted for all the world to see but I don't know quite where to start or how to explain.

Um...

On the way back from my HIL's ("Horror In Law" for those of you that are new)hubby and I ran into some bad storms. We were traveling on the interstate and there were reflectors on the road and reflective barrels on the side of the road, and traffic had slowed and several people had put their hazard lights on for easier visibility when following them.

Everything was fine. The road conditions weren't so bad that I had to stop pressing my chest up against my husband's arm for fear it was to much of a distraction. (snicker)

Then out of the darkness, emerging up ahead (because we are gaining on them) is a car. I don't know what color it was or the make/model - but I'm comfortable telling you "IT WAS A CAR" (this isn't the special kind of stupid part)

Well, THE CAR was keeping abreast of A VAN. THE CAR in the far right lane, and THE VAN immediately beside it on the left.

THE CAR started slowing down and almost ran into some reflective barrels on the shoulder of the interstate, THE VAN never wavered in his course or tried to run THE CAR off the road. THE CAR immediately turned his blinker on to get back on the interstate. It was not a "let me pull over" stop or anything like that. Do you want to know what it was?

THE CAR RAN HIMSELF OFF THE ROAD.

I shit you not.

How in the fuck do you run yourself off the road? There was no swerving, so he didn't loose control, there was no light on inside he didn't need to pull over to read a map etc.

HE RAN HIMSELF OFF THE ROAD. It takes a special kind of stupid to run yourself off the road.

Who in the hell gave this guy (could have been a woman - I couldn't see) a friggin drivers license anyway? W.T.F.

This kind of dumb shit begs the question - was this an armless driver? It must be a real pain in the ass when you're trying to make a turn huh.

And while we're on the subject of really dumb ass drivers, let me relate this story to you - it's true - I swear.

Remember that movie National Lampoons Vacation where Chevy Chase is in his station wagon and he slips beneath an 18 wheeler going down the road?

Yeah, I know a guy who did that, but the 18 wheeler ran him over. He's fine. Walked away from the accident and everything - which is why I will now talk shit about him.

Do you want to know what he said to me? He said he didn't see the 18 wheeler there when he was trying to change lanes. I'm not bullshitting you. He was sober and very serious when he told me this. He said - AND I'M REALLY QUOTING HERE - "I didn't see him."

HOOOOLLLY SHIT. Is this the same stupid fucker that RAN HIMSELF OFF THE ROAD?!!!!

How in the hell do you not see an 18 wheeler right there beside you. Even if you are blind and ARMLESS - you can hear those fuckin things MILES away.

My theory - he had to have been stoned out of his gourd to not know that there was an 18 wheeler there. THAT'S A SPECIAL KIND OF STUPID right there buddy.

I say with sincerity - I hope these over achievers don't breed.

A Few Things

I'm sure some of you have noticed that I turned the word verification back on. I hate dealing with it, but I've been getting spam comments up the wa-zoo and I'm tired of it.

Also, I no longer allow anonymous comments. I've seen some juvenile stuff floating around blogland and if you're going to leave me a shitty comment - you should have the cajones to give me your blog address so I can send everyone over there to give you shit, or at least cuss your sorry ass for setting up a temp blog to talk shit. Make no mistake, I will zing you and then I will ask my good friend Carmachu to have a few words because he will rip you a new one (if you're lucky Happy Kat will go with him), and then I will ask Dirty Birdie to have a few words as well, because she's pregnant and will tear your ass up, and then you will bleed from all orifices and I will laugh at you while you bleed out on the floor.

My apologies to my family and others who may want to leave a comment, but are unable to do so because of this change.
Okay, on to other things ...

I would like to point your attention to my side bar. At the very bottom you'll find "Dormant Shit". I thought long and hard about putting that there, but finally decided that they should be moved out of my active links, but at the same time, I didn't want to delete the links all together.

I would like to especially recommend to you Used Kitty Litter. My good friend Charlie writes/wrote this blog. Recently, he's been goofing around with it here and there, maybe we'll get lucky some day and he'll do a new post. This man has a brain, and he is SO DAMN FUNNY I almost stroke out.

I Hate You, New Guy Who Sits Next To Me - this chick is funny as hell. I ran across this blog a couple of months ago and was laughing so hard I couldn't breath. This is a blog full of zing, sarcasm and cutting humor. I highly recommend it. The new guy who sits next to her has finally moved and put her out of her misery, but go read it anyway, it's worth it.


I have also removed a couple of blogs from my links. I just got tired of them. They no longer held any entertainment value for me so they went bye-bye. I've got them book marked and I'm sure will go look in on them from time to time, but they're not so grand that they deserve a spot among my beloved blogs.


OH! I want to point you all in the direction of Cheaper Than Therapy where Attila The Mom is giving advice on how to save on your grocery bill. Good stuff here. READ IT and save money. I have already done a couple of the things she has suggested and it's saved me dinero. Tell her hello. She is very gracious and has a wonderful sense of humor.

Well, since I'm pimping out some blogs here, let me continue to do so (just remember, I get 30% of what ever you earn)

Rhonda's Ruminations is a fabulous read. Some really heartfelt pieces are there. She's an animal advocate and vegetarian and just a good person. I don't get the vegitarian thing either, I like to eat things that go "MOO" entirely to much for that, but that just leaves more steak for Charles. (He told me to tell you he appreciates that Rhonda) She doesn't post but about once a week or so, but that seems to be because her home business is taking off and I'm tickled as hell for her. ((HUGS)) Rhonda. Shoot for the stars. (the sparklely things in the sky - not the over done things on the movie screen)


I would also like to direct you attention over to Jim's blogs. He has a few. There is Paradigms, Fredericksblog, River Voices and also one that he keeps for our local newspaper entitled That's My Story. He's pretty smart considering he's REALLY REALLY OLD and almost all of his brain cells are dead by now. (snicker) Pay him a visit.

I'm going to stop there because I don't want people to get all pissed because I didn't pimp them out. (SMACK! DON'T BACK TALK ME YOU BIYATCHES)

I catch everyone up on my visit to my HIL's as soon as glue hair back on my new bald spots.

The Dumb Show

With your host - Nikki The Not So Great.

Good morning everyone. I'm your host, Nikki the Not So Great. (sedate sound track applause)

Today I'm going to take you on a ride, a journey if you will, thru the random stuff in my life.

We're going to start with the really good news - because we all need some of that from time to time - even if it's not our own. (fake smile, hands folded primly in lap)

Today, Charles and I became considerably more caught up on our bills.(wild sound track applause) It's a really big mile marker for us. We haven't been this close to being all caught up since we moved into our house a few years ago. My Slave (aka - hubby) got a really wonderful raise and we have barely avoided bankruptcy - which we were going to have to file next month.

We are both tickled that we no longer have people who want to turn off our power and our car insurance coverage is uninterrupted. Also, the people who wanted to take us to court now love us and have offered to have our children (read: extend our credit). There are also several people out there who no longer want to sue us - which just pleases us to no end. (It has nothing to do with the threats that I ~ahem~ someone called into them)

My hubby and I would like to take this opportunity to make a sacrificial offering of a spider (because we all know I hate them and will take any opportunity to kill them). May our credit get increasingly better from here on out - somebody please take this piece of shit score that I have now, cause I couldn't finance a candy bar at this point.

(Camera Switch)

In other news. . .

It appears that we may actually save money on our child care bill. We currently pay WAY TO MUCH every two weeks and several times I have almost broken down and wept while writing out the check. Today - your ever vigilant investigative reporter - has a hot lead into QUALITY childcare at half that price. Yes, HALF that price. (awed gasps from audience)

Let us take a moment and kill another spider for the sacrificial offering.

I hope I get that warm fuzzy in this situation that is sooo important to have. Let's sacrifice another spider just to be sure. (Kill the bastards! Kill the bastards!)

Now to you Mike.

(camera switch)

DUH...

(camera switch)

That was great. Thanks for that captivating report Mike - go take more vicodin.

This is Nikki The Not So Great, thanks for tuning in and please leave a tip (of the money kind) on your way out.

Ticker Tape: I'll be gone for the weekend. I'm picking up my daughter from the HIL. I catch up with everyone when I get back.

CAUTION - Bitching Ahead

Super Baby is sick. Sigh. It started out with Pink Eye. Went to the Dr., walked out with a prescription for eye drops. He says "He can go back tomorrow. These eye drops will fix him right up." EXCELLENT! I called the boss man, told him I'd be in tomorrow. This was Tuesday afternoon. I haven't been back to work yet. (incidentally, I stayed home on Monday because I felt like regurgitate crap) That means I've been to work a grand total of a half of a day this entire week. (did I ever mention how much I despise staying at home?)

I called daycare on Wed morning to let them know he would be coming in that day equipped with a Dr's note saying it was alright. "Does he still have discharge coming from his eye?" "It's just a bit watery. It's from the eye drops." "I'm sorry Nikki, but he can't come back until his eye has stopped watering." "But I have a Dr's note." "I'm sorry Nikki, we just want to make sure that the other kids won't catch it." Well damn. I understand their concern, but honestly, I have a friggin Dr's note. So I stay at home with him, and we both nap A LOT but he seems fine and I'm happy that he's letting me nap because I feel SO MUCH BETTER with all the sleep I'm getting. Later that night, I have a surprise waiting for me when I pick him up from his evening nap.

A cranky, squirmy, feverish, coughing, sneezing, mucus producing little baby. Okay, little dude caught my cold that explains why he was so happy to nap. Poor little guy. I give him lovies and sing to him and cuddle him and give him lots of kisses and it'll be okays. I feed him and he eats great. He takes medicine A OK and I put him down for the night.

My thoughts? Lets see how he is in the morning, maybe I'll get lucky and can go to work. I get up in the middle of the night, fever is down but he's sleeping a bit restlessly, I check him again at about 3 am, stuffy little nose, fever is back up. I wake him up and give him medicine and we sit in the recliner and watch TV for about an hour until he finally goes back to sleep and I fall asleep with him, both of us there in the recliner cuddling. I wake up at 7am, with a screaming baby and vomit all over me, the recliner and the carpet. (did I ever mention how much I despise staying at home?) If I may quote one of my favorite blogs - OH THE JOYS.

I clean everything and everybody up and catch hubby on the way out the door. "Can't you stay with him today? I NEED to go to work. I don't want to get fired for pete's sake." "I can't, I'm teaching assistant in a class today." "You're teaching a class? Since when?" "Since the other teachers assistant called in sick. I've been trying to get this gig for a while." FUCK. "Charles, I love you, and I'm glad you got this position BUT I NEED TO GO TO WORK. When you go in today, tell them you can't make it in tomorrow BECAUSE I NEED TO GO TO WORK." "I'm off tomorrow." "Works out well for you then doesn't it" (yeah, I was a bit cranky and this would fall under the heading of bitchyness)

I call boss man - I can't come in, Super Kid is vomiting - he has his daughter take a message. WONDERFUL - that means he's not happy. I mean really, if you were him wouldn't you be a bit pissed? If I was the boss, I know I'd be a more than a little bit frustrated, but, what can I do?

So here I am, it's noon and I have just managed to take a shower after stinking of vomit, clorox and carpet shampoo. Little dude is napping and is keeping everything down just fine. His fever just broke so he should be fine tomorrow when daddy stays home with him.

Why does it always work out like that? Why does he always get to play and goof around and never have to deal with cranky stinky vomiting baby?

I ask you - Where is the justice?

CURSE YOU GERM GODS!!!!!!!

We all know that here in the land of Nikki, all is not well with the world.

I'm friggin sick. I blame this entirely on that chick at the drive thru window at Dairy Queen. No, she didn't cough and hack on my food and didn't have that sore through rasp. I'll tell you what she did. SHE WAS NICE TO ME.

Now, I just heard your collective breath intake. Calm yourselves. It gets even more shocking. SHE SMILED AT ME. Yes, that's right. That's enough to have to make you fan yourselves vigorously, but I'm not done. Are you ready for this next part - brace yourselves. SHE THANKED ME FOR STOPPING BY AND WISHED ME A NICE DAY. HOLY FRESH FRENCH FRIES BATMAN!

I would like to say at this point that I thanked her and wished her a good day in return, or even that I can up with some sort of witty response. Sadly, I didn't. All of this courtesy at one time from a fast food joint was so deeply shocking to me that I briefly went catatonic and passed out. I awoke outside of my car laying on the pavement with an EMT kneeling over me using the chest paddles because my heart had stopped. It seems my body just couldn't take the shock.

I gave a quick thanks to the underwear Gods that I was wearing my new black bra and I explained what had happened. They didn't believe me - and really can you blame them? Who would believe such a wild and crazy story. I mean really, how often do we get treated with plain ol' courtesy these days - especially from a teenager hanging out the window at a fast food joint?

I hear you out there. "Nikki, give me a break. This story is ridiculous" That's true, but I will ask you a question.

IS IT ANY MORE RIDICULOUS THAN SUFFERING FROM A COLD WHEN THE DAMN HEAT INDEX IS 110 DEGREES OUTSIDE?

I think not.

So I'm sticking with my ridiculous and rather unimaginative story. Besides, it sounds a lot better than saying "I should have sanitized my desk and washed my hands better after the guy with a cold came into my office last week."

Damn it.

HUH?

I HAB A COLB AN I BEEL TERIBBLLE.

I'll POSS SOME PING LABER.

HE'S GOT A TOOTH!

Connor is 1 yr, 2 months and 11 days, and he has finally cut his first tooth.

FINALLY!

HURRAY!

I was starting to consider baby dentures.

Please Help Contribute To The Suffering Of Man

Specifically MY MAN.

He's got it comin. We all know that. I have spent my time thinking, thinking, thinking and have come up with ZIP, ZILCH, ZERO, NONE, NADA ideas on how to get my beloved Boogerhead back.

I'm depending on you, dear demented reader (and I know you're demented, otherwise, you wouldn't read me) to help me top Charles' gloriously good practical joke.

I have decided to start a contest. The grand prize with be (trumpets and fanfare) NOTHING. Why nothing? Because I don't have shit to give you, and I'm not a member of paypal. Sorry.

You will however, get to "see" Charles' reaction in my play by play accounting that I will give you right here.

Please leave all ideas in the comments section...please, I'm desperate to top him. (does this sound like begging? - cause I am)

Feel free to put the word out if you are so inclined on how to one up him. BOMBARD me with inspriration (no poo please)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Addendum - Feel free to ask as many questions about Charles as you deem necessary. I will answer what I can.

SON OF A...

Late one evening, while I was innocently checking my email(are you buying this? - innocent - yeah, that describes me)and hubby came into the computer room with me and chatted a bit(like I wanted to hear it, but whatever). Nothing unusual there. We opened the window (light drizzle outside - I'm not standing in that to smoke and the computer room door is kept closed) and were smoking and talking and goofing around.

Charles' Nextel goes off. CRAP! It's 9pm! I couldn't believe they were going to call him into work that late, but it happens from time to time.

It's HWB (Hubby's Work Buddy)

"Hey man! You have GOT to come over here! I'm at this ladies house and they are havin some wild ass party and everybody on the face of the EARTH is invited! They got some really HOT chicks, I'm sure we could both score! That chick that you met last week is here man! Get your sorry ass over here, she says she wants to play with you again! One chick has perfect 36C's. They just stand at attention. I think I'm going lick them or something! WOOO HOOOOOO!" He already sounded more than drunk.

I couldn't say a damn thing. I was so shocked out of my mind. Then my mind went to working overtime.

THAT SON OF A BITCH! What in the hell was he doing when he was supposed to be at work? What the fuck?! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIS SORRY CHEATIN' ASS AND STRING HIM UP BY HIS INTESTINES!

I look at Charles, still to shocked to speak and he is looking uncomfortable to say the least. He even went so far as to try to hide the Nextel down by his leg and his eyes are as big as saucers. The OH SHIT expression is on his face.

Murderous rage enters me. I lock eyes with him, and he KNOWS he ain't staying in my fucking house tonight.

HWB: Hey MAN! Are you there? You comin or what? They got three kegs man! And I think that's a happy pill bowl. We're gonna fuckin PPPPAARRRTTYYYY!!

Me: (I don't really remember my exact words because I was so upset, but I'll try to get you close) You sorry sack of shit. I despise you. Get the fuck out of my house. You don't get to pack a FUCKING THING! JUST GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW! GET THE FUCK OUT!

By this time I had stood up and was in his face. My nose was almost touching his.

Charles gets up, backs away and responds to HWB on the Nextel.

"Hey man, we got her. She's pretty pissed to. Why don't you tell her hello."

HWB - "HEY NIKKI! I GOT YOUR ASS BACK FOR PRANK CALLING ME LIKE FOUR TIMES! HAHAHAHAHA! YOU SUCK!"

Me - HUH?

Hubby - ((snicker))

Me - WTF is . . HUH?

HWB - NIKKI! NIKKIIIIII! I GOTCHA! HAHAHAHAH! I GOT CHORE ASS! HAHAHAH! SUCKER!

Me - (Outrage, anger, astonishment, relief, all at the same time) SON OF A BITCH!

Hubby - I love you baby. (add big shit eating grin)

Me - You ASS! You are in such deep trouble, you just have no idea.

Hubby - Serves you right Little Miss Practical Jokes.

Me - (I can't help it, I'm starting to smile) I'm gonna kick your ass Charles. You'd better go get your cup on.

I started laughing my ass off. I got gotten, but GOOD.

Me - Charles, exactly which one of you thought that up?

Charles - GRIN

Me - uh huh. Watch yourself buddy. I'm gettin you back.

Charles - I just got you back on the twins thing, you can't get me back just because I got you back.

Me - That's true, but I've got to top it.(evil grin)

Charles - It's just a viscous cycle baby, a viscous cycle.

Me - (snicker)

I Hope

I went and dropped off some baby blankets at the NICU about 3 weeks ago.

I walked in and spoke with a couple of nurses and generally shot the shit for a while.

I have to hang around while they "inspect" the blankets to make sure there is no fringe to get caught on cords or wires and making sure the all cotton and acrylic were separated etc. This takes a while because I package mine - the hospital has a rule that they won't take anything unless it's in it's original package, smart, but difficult for me b/c I make these by hand. So the solution - gallon sized zip lock bags, with labels made from my printer - instant packaging. The nurses have to take everything out and put it back in and it takes a while.

I'm not allowed near the babies but I peak into some of the rooms and marvel at how something so tiny could be so beautiful.

A mother walked in and walked over to her baby that was in the same spot my son was when he was there. She gently picked him up, cradling him so tenderly and sang him lullabyes and kisses him so, so gently on his head. She stayed that way for a long time.

She started crying those deep racking sobs - soul wrenching. She had her hand resting on top of his stomach and legs, he was that small that her one hand covered all of that and just cried and cried.

I was immediately taken back to when Connor was born and he was in that very same NICU and I was sitting in a rocking chair that was almost exactly the same, and I did the exact same thing. I cried and cried.

I could identify with her pain. I don't think I'll ever get over the fear, the terror, of watching him, holding him, and praying to GOD that he would take another breath.

I went and I took 2 blankets out of the ones I brought. One, a soft blue with white trim, the other was a solid barely pink. I walked over to the mom in the rocking chair and laid the blue blanket over the baby and the mom smiled up at me, that crooked crying smile and then I laid the pink on her leg and told her "Mommies sometimes need extra love too."

She held my hand and we stood like that for a long time.

I can't stop thinking about that mom. I hope she's okay. I hope the baby is okay. I hope she gets to watch in grow and play peek-a-boo with him. I hope she gets to see his first smile. I hope she gets to hear him say I love you. I hope she gets to read him bedtime stories and watch him splash in the tub. I hope he gets to aggravate her to death every night by getting up every ten minutes for a cup of water.

I hope they're okay. I hope that someone is there to help her. I hope someone is there to give them a little extra love.

Hey PETA ! BITE ME!

I love animals.

I'm especially fond - no - LOVE cats. There's not to much out there that's better to me than a cat sleeping on my pillow with me. I don't even mind when they wake me up when they're purring because I pet them in my sleep. (Yes, I pet them in my sleep - get over it)

I also love a good joke. Enter my mother.

Mommy Dearest (she looks nothing like Joan Crawford btw) likes to torture me with cat jokes from time to time. Things like when she sees a dead cat on the road. "Oh look! A bent kitty!" Thanks for calling my attention to that ma. 'Preciate it.

She came for a visit a few years back and brought me a gift. (ROCK ON! I love it when I get free shit) Did she bring me a shirt? A new set of knives? No, her smart ass bought me a bumper sticker. It cost her 99 cents. (I hope that didn't break the bank)

Despite my sarcasm, I LOVE that bumper sticker. I'm not a bumper sticker kind of person. Especially when they are neon mustard yellow with great big black lettering, but I LOVE THIS BUMPER STICKER.

It says: Lost Your Cat? Try Lookin Under My Tires.

She pulled it out from behind her back, I got a real good laugh out of it and immediately went and stuck it on my car. She was expecting me to say something like "Oh poor kitty" and feel bad for all those bent kitties out there and throw it away. Nope, sorry 'bout that, I love it.

At the time, I was working not to far from Washington DC. Guess who has an office in DC? PETA. These people get upset over almost everything. Some with good reason. But it seems that it wasn't just the PETA people who took offense.

I have had people STOP in the middle of Interstate 95, with traffic moving at 65 MPH, just so they could scream "Fuck you cat killer!" while flipping me the bird and giving me the radioactive version of the stinky eye while I passed them. I had a couple of people leave notes on my car. My particular favorite was one that said "Why you got to be so mad? Just cause you ain't getting no pussy don't mean you should go around killing cats." (I wish I could have met who ever left that note to compliment him/her that they really took advantage of the ed-u-macation system) I was also car pooling with a couple other girls at the time (can you say HOV lanes?) and one of them was so offended she demanded I take it off my car. (It's still there if you were wondering)

I have also had people pass me in traffic while giving me the thumbs up. If there was a traffic jam, I've had people flash their lights at me and honk their horn. I'd look in the rear view and they'd point to my bumper and give me the thumbs up. One guy was sitting beside me in one traffic jam and motioned for me to roll down my window. "I love your bumper sticker DUDE!"

My most favorite reaction I've gotten out of it? I was filling up the ol' gas tank and an older gentleman (late 50's or so) pulled in behind me. He took one look and and started laughing so hard he started crying. I mean he was snorting and snottin' all over the place. "I take it you don't like cats?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Where did you get that?"

Of course I had to break it to him "Oh I love cats, I have 2(at the time). My mother bought it for me as a practical joke and stuck it on my car without my permission. I think people who laugh at it are assholes." I almost gave the guy a heartattack.

Yeah, I told him I was just jokin' and I loved it too.

Mailer Damon

Dear Friends and Family (no, this isn't a phone commercial)

OMG

Please stop sending me those damn emails asking me to tell you a little bit about myself.

I've been good and participated a couple of times. I've told you I like broccoli (no cheese), corn on the cob (not that creamed corn shit) and how much I love a baked potato piled high with crap you're not supposed to eat. I've told you how much I hate - do you hear me? - HATE onions, tomatoes and mushrooms.

My favorite color is what ever color I feel like wearing today.

My favorite shirt is which ever one I feel like wearing today.

My favorite pants are the ones that are so old and pitiful looking I wouldn't want to wear them in public but feel like silk against my skin.

My nickname is Nikki, it is the name I go by. There are only a few people who still call me Angela (my given name) because that's the way it is. I don't have to explain it to you.

I have 1 dog, 3 cats and two goldfish.

I am still happily married and have been for 8 1/2 years, we've been together for 10.

My favorite TV show is HOUSE - because I like the main character, he makes me laugh, though I seldom watch it because working full time, having two kids, the above mentioned pets barely leaves me time to fart, much less watch TV. Don't ask about my favorite movies, because I see 1 about every three months, I really don't have much of a basis for comparison.

I prefer chocolate cake to ice cream (though they are great in tandem).

My real hair color is mud brown. My eyes are SHIT brown, and I don't have any piercing other than those in my ears. I did have my belly button pierced at one time but I took it out and let it heal.

I've been to a Sammy Kershaw concert and an Allen Jackson concert. Yes, I was a rebel and brushed my teeth and used deodorant for both events, unlike some of the folks there.

Yes I graduated high school.

No, I do not have a degree though I did attend college for a while.

Yes, I like George Carlin and Robin Williams, but also enjoy some of the lesser known comedians because they're funny too.

I have lived in a lot of different places. Please don't make me list them because I have better things to do than to try and remember if I lived on Pineview Dr or Longview Rd in the spring of 1987.

My hobbies are reading, hiking, practical joking my husband and making baby blankets to give to the NICU at my local hospital. Don't give me any shit about how you can't understand how I can sit down and make baby blankets. I've never asked you to understand, I've never tried to explain, just like you have never tried to explain to me why some of you are wasting valuable oxygen, and I'll never understand that.

I am otherwise craft handicap, please don't send me anymore cute ass patterns to make shit with cause it always ends up looking like the dog got to the damn thing after I finished with it, when in reality, he has never touch it.

My favorite type of car is the one that is paid off, runs well, has good gas mileage, the brakes don't squeak, has a clean, unbroken, cracked or other wise undamaged windshield, has both side mirrors and a rearview mirror, comes equipped with seat belts, a good radio, heating and air conditioning, and has low insurance premiums - seats are not required smart ass. I don't give a shit about the year, make, model or color. It could be primer color for all I care and as long as it meets my listed requirements, I'd still drive it. I'm sorry if you're a car snob and this bothers you, but you don't pay my bills and can go play with yourself for all I care - don't condescend to me.

The real thing that pisses me off about these things is that if you feel the need to send these stupid emails to me, you don't know me at all and you shouldn't have my friggin email address anyway.(how in the hell did you get it anyway?)

I tried not responding hoping you would get the clue. I have tried sending you responses that were funny, but if you read between the lines, you have realized I was serious and was trying to tell you to stop sending me that crap with out creating hard feelings.

Here's a revolutionary idea for you. Just ask me if you want to know. Shoot me an email saying something like:

Hey Nikki, we haven't gotten together in a while and I've been thinking about you and wanted to drop you a line. I really don't have that much to say, but wanted you to know that I miss hanging out with you. Oh BTW do you like broccoli?

It Happens To The Best Of Us

Let me set the scene for you.

It was HELL FIRE Hot outside, and so humid you immediately became sticky when you stuck your head out the door. One 8 year old about to bounce out of her skin to go to a BBQ, a 1 year old that is not happy unless you are holding him or playing with him - but preferably playing with him while you are holding him, I'm trying to do house work, dog following me around the house and tripping me up when I turn around, cats hissing at dog following me around from their lofts on the window sills.

I'm trying to move from one room to the other with a strange squirmy growth on my leg - MY SON as he clings and whines and headbangs my kneecap. I'm trying to loose myself in the 80's music I've got on, but keep hearing something fly by my ear - MY DAUGHTER as she runs from room to room talking faster than the speed of light about what she's going to do, what she should wear and blah blah blah
AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CIGARETTE FOR 3 HOURS.

Can you say grumpy? How bout bitchy? How bout foul, evil, loathsome or crabby.

Fast forward 2 hours later, we're in the car, baby screaming in back seat, daughter bemoaning the fact that I wouldn't put make-up on her so she could dress up for the BBQ, how she wanted a red ponytail holder and not the white one...

BE QUIET! EVERYBODY JUST BE QUIET! MOMMY NEEDS A CIGARETTE! MOMMY NEEDS A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW! CHILL OUT! JUST CHILL OUT! CHILL OUT UNITL I'VE HAD MY CIGARETTE.

Instantaneous quiet.

A few miles down the road after mommy has chain smoked 3 cigarettes and is working on her fourth, a commercial comes on the radio where a bunch of little kids saying "I want my mommy! I want my mommy!"

Lauren promptly responded "You can have mine."

**********************************

Hey Puss! I know you read me, Her Majesty told me. Wanted to tell you Hi and I love you.

That Was One Good Ass Hump

I've been humped!

It was goooooood too. I was smiling when it was all said and done.

Lucky gave me a perfect score of 5 humps!(HE SCORED WITH ME! HAHAHAHA!) I saw it last night and just kept his page up so I could re-read it. I was so tickled.

You know, this just makes you think:

1) would he have given me a perfect score if I hadn't called him HOT? (it's not like I really care - he's still hot)

2) this hump was obviously good for him too.

3) would I have gotten 10 humps if I was single?


Go here to read my humping results - tell me what you think.

Thanks Lucky!

Ode to Red Clay

oh how you suck

You serve no purpose
other than to cover up huge rocks
Hiding in my yard

oh how you suck

you are naught but acres full
of potential stains of clothing
bleach can't drive you away

oh how you suck

nothing grows in you
except sticker briars and razor weed
and the occasional nasty blackberry bush

oh how you suck

you hate pretty green grass
all I have to say to you
is that you can bite my ass




+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Okay, I know the Ode sucks, but red clay sucks more. What sucks most is the great BIG red clay stain on my white capris.

Stupid slippery steps....

Stupid red clay.

Happy 4th of July

On this day, our forefathers earned our freedom. They gave their lives for it. They sacrificed their families for it. They believed in it.

Today, when you are at your cookout, connecting with friends, watching your children play, your face in the sun. . . remember them, the first Veterans of our fledgling country.

Remember all our vets past wars and present, show them respect, because we owe them a great debt. We owe them our very way of life. We owe them more than anyone else, with the exception of GOD himself.

Tonight, while I am watching the fire works burst in fantastic display, reflecting in the river below, I will thank them again. The screaming and booming thunder of the fireworks that we hear and see each year, would seem to me, to be remimiscent of war and the dead and dying soldiers. The great BOOM BOOM BOOM of cannons, tanks and artillery. The screaming of the soldiers, and lastly the magnificent burst of color that touches Heaven is their souls. I have no words to express to them my appreciation and gratitude.

I will leave you with this:


"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Declaration of Independence

20 Things I Hate

Superstar, I'm so going to track you down and stalk you for this.

1. - Dogs dressed up in dumb little outfits. They look stupid. If God wanted them to wear clothes, they would be born naked. To those people who have those hairless dogs - that's just gross. I'm sorry if you're allergic, but it's gross.

2. - People who don't brush their teeth. When they smile at you it looks like they have brown corn niblets sticking out of their gums. YUCK! Damn man, get some toothpaste. If nothing else, rub a stick on your teeth. I mean, at least do something. White out people - WHITE OUT.

3. - People who refuse to acknowledge they have BO. For all of those people out there who don't wear deodorant, please let me enlighten you. . . YOU FUCKING STINK. Do not try to engage me in conversation because my gag reflex is pretty damn sensitive and I will puke on you. Then you will smell like musty vomit. Hey Kevin - here's today's word - MOIST!

4. - Men who stare at my boobs when we talk. Sorry guys, my nipples are not eyes. They don't blink, they aren't going to wink at you, and they damn sure aren't going to cast "Come hither" looks at you either. My eyes are on my face - my face is on my head. You know, my HEAD - that thing that's located 3 ft above my ass. Accept it and move on.

5. Panty lines. I'm sorry ladies, but if you're wearing tight pants and I can see your panty line - YOU ARE WRONG. I don't want to know what kind of underwear you are wearing. I give two shits if you are doing the granny panty thing or if you're in a bikini kinda mood. That's just sick to me. Get a friggin thong for cryin' out loud and floss your butt.

6. - Women who wear to much jewelry/make-up/perfume. You look like a bunch of over done whores. Really you do. This may be harsh, but it's reality. Oh, and just a clue for you. . . you still stink.

7.- Destruct-O kids. Aka: heathen children running all over the place and tearing shit up. Moms AND DADS - rein your kids in for pete's sake. I have my own kids to deal with and I don't want to deal with yours too. It is blatantly obvious who runs your house. I will be the first one to give you the stinky eye. When you tell your little heathen to "Stop that" "Put that down" and to "Come stand over here and be quiet" mean it for crying outloud. Show him/her that you are the parent. I would much rather listen to him scream bloody murder because he is being brought up correctly rather than to listen to him whine about everything because he's not.

8. - Old bald headed men giving me "THE EYE". How nasty is that. You're ancient, you're bald (sometimes with that yummy comb over) and you walk with your belly a full 2 ft in front of you. Don't even glance my way. You disgust me. I hate your letcherous leers. They give me the heebie jeebies.

9. - Women who wear shorts but don't shave their legs. The hair on your legs is so long - Why don't you just braid it? This is not mainland Europe. If you want to wear shorts and not shave, please go there for the summer where it is more socially acceptable, but be advised, it's nasty over there too. I just don't want you here where I can see you. SKANK.

10.- Men who continually adjust themselves. What is up with that? Are you scared that it might fall off? Is your pubic hair so damn scratchy that you continually have to scratch, adjust, scratch, adjust, or do you have crabs? My advise to you - trim it or see a Dr. - which ever is appropriate.

11. - Loud cell phone talkers - What? Do they want an award for getting a friggin phone call? I don't give a shit if your new Subaru Outback did get hit in the parking lot. And I damn sure don't want to hear about your hernia operation, your eye infection or the fact that your neighbors are assholes. I mean really. If you want everybody to know your business, get a blog.

12. - Inconsiderate smokers. Now first, let me say that I am a smoker. I am a considerate smoker. I fully realize that some people are allergic to smoke and can't be around it and others just choose not to be, and that's okay with me. This is my choice and I don't want to thrust it upon you. It's those fuckers out there that blow smoke into kids' faces and flick cigarette butts in to gas station parking lots that just kill me. YOU'RE SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYBODY. I mean damn, can you not fuck with my addiction please? Included in this would be bitchy little non-smokers. Take a flying leap before I ring your neck.

13. - Former smokers - what a bunch of whining little widgets. SHUT UP. Don't try to enlighten me on the dangers of smoking. I'm pushing 32 here and I know already. I'm educated and shit.

14. - People who refer to cussing as "The Language of the Unimaginative" or "low class" FUCK OFF YOU RECTAL SORE. I am a connoisseur of cussin. You have got to have an imagination to use it correctly. I mean, if you wouldn't laugh at something that included the term "scrotumless" - I probably don't want to know you anyway and you can bite my ass.

15. - People who don't use their turn signals. I wasn't aware that they were optional. They are there for a reason - use them. If you have no fingers or they are to short to reach the little stick that is CLOSE AS HELL TO THE STEERING WHEEL to indicate in which direction you wish to go - have your vehicle modified so you can push a little button, or in the case for people with no fingers, they can nub the button.

16. - Moms who don't change their baby's diaper. You have all seen it. That diaper that looks like it could sink the titanic. What a sorry bunch of lazy bitches. That poor baby. You know his/her butt is sore. You are such a lazy shit. You would rather you baby walk/crawl around in their own waste than to get off your fat lazy ass and change a diaper. If those diapers had fingernails, that's exactly how'd they be hanging on. You know it's true. I despise your sorry ass most of all.

17. - Women fighting. There is NOTHING that looks more rediculous than two women whippin up on each other. All that hissin' and pulling hair. It's the dumbest ever.

18. - Emptin' the cat box. Super yuck. It's worse than changing a diaper. At least when I change my son's diaper, he will give me a hug and a kiss. When I empty the cat box, the cat closest to it goes and takes a shit in it as soon as I put it on the floor. It's times like this when there just doesn't seem to be any justice in the universe.

19. - Waking up and hour before the alarm goes off. I CAN NOT go back to sleep to save my life. It pisses me off so bad I can't stand it. It's not like I don't need that extra hour - what's the deal? I'm gonna have to do something about those voices in my head.

20.- Women that continually flip their hair. Hon, you aren't that cute. Don't flip your hair at me. I'll get the scissors and cut all that crap off and you will cry. If you are bent over your desk (either working, or for your boss) and it keeps falling down in your face and you have to do THE FLIP - GET A FRIGGIN HAIR CUT or put your hair up. You probably have split ends out the ass anyway.

K - I'm all done now.

Feel free to fry me on something. The comments are open.

Perfection

Today has been one of those perfect days.

Sleeping late.Cleaning house. Playing with the kids. Hanging out clothes. Shucking corn on the back porch steps. Watering and tending to the garden. Bathing the dog. Eating brownies.

Lauren hugging me and telling me I'm the best. Connor giving me baby kisses and patting me on the arm when we hug. Charles home early from working over time. Hot dogs on the grill with french fries and a little chili with a cold beer for him and a tequila sunrise (easy grenadine) for me.

Talking to my husband and telling him I love him, and really, deeply meaning it. My husband cradling my face in his hands and telling me that no one could make him happier, telling me that I take such good care of us all and that he will love me until his dieing day.

Watching Charles play baby games with Connor on the living room floor, smiling even bigger when Lauren joined in. Watching the kids pile on top of daddy and giggling until they couldn't catch their breath.

Connor running up to Lauren and hugging her. My cats weaving in and out between my ankles while purring.

Later, I will sit down and watch some of the Nascar race that I hate watching, but I will watch it with him because he likes it and I'll I crochet some baby blankets to give away. Lauren will take a bath and watch movies in her room when it's time for bed. I'll give Connor a bath, and Charles will rock him to sleep and tuck him in his crib.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Be Gentle, It's My First Time

I'm going to get HUMPED. Are you jealous? Are you excited? Are you curious? Are you wishing you could watch?

Well fear not. You can watch. In fact you are already watching. STOP SHOUTING! I can hear you already!

Rainman and Steve,I know I don't have a video feed set up here and stop asking everybody for a towel. ~D, I'm afraid that we are out of popcorn. Kevin, hush. Christina, could you please control this mob? NO? (fine, see if I try to guard you digs while you're on vacation again :P)

Some Lucky guy is going to hump me. He's a pilot no less. Can you say HOTNESS? How bout YUMMYNESS? How bout HOT YUMMYNESS or YUMMY HOTNESS. He's going to look me over and tell me all the wonderful things I want to hear. He's going to tell me he thinks I'm great. He's going to tell me he thinks I'm da bomb. (KABLEWY) He put me on a list of people he wanted to hump which made me feel kinda dirty - but really, if you think about it, who could say "Don't hump me." to a pilot? Not me. Hump away baby.

What? I know I'm married you idiot. What does that have to do with getting humped?

GET YOU'RE MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! I'm not going to have sex for pete's sake! Let me explain.

Another blogger NAMED Lucky - who just so happens to be a delightfully delectable pilot (he's got flicker and he's hot - ladies, click here to see for yourself) is going to review my blog and tell me what he thinks of it. His reviews are called "Getting Humped" in referrence to the camels he uses to rate you - thus the "HUMP". One hump - you're probably severly dyslexic, color blind, and missing a sense of humor, five humps - he nominates you for the nobel peace prize. . .or not

He's not some great writing critic, he's a normal guy - THAT IS PILOT HOT. I'm cool with it. It's kinda exciting to me, so I'm trying to gussy up the place in preparation for my inspection. Basically I'm doing what I've been meaning to do for a while, putting people in my sidebar that I read (I know I've missed a few and I know he's going to ding me because the thing is so long but whatever, I can't figure out that do-dad that Mel linked to. You can find that here) and robbing pictures from GOOGLE to pretty up my posts.

Also, if anyone knows how in the hell to get a picture in my header, please let me know. I've been working on it forever and can't figure it out either. What can I say? I'm a computer idiot.

Lucky just had baby #3 (cute CUTE little baby. I just have this urge to kiss him on his little head) and is rather busy so I might end up getting humped by someone else. I think it's a chick doing his co-humping. You know, this whole being humped thing is new to me, especially being humped by a pilot, but being humped by a chick - well, that's okay to, I'm living proof that chicks can read. I'm just going to have to use a different term - something other than "Humped". I can just see myself calling my mother and saying - Hey Mom! Some chick just humped me pretty good.

I have the click on my banner do dad on my side bar. Pay him a visit and if you want, sign up to get humped. We'll talk about it while smoking and basking in the after glow. Or, if the mood takes you, you can always go hump yourself.

Hey Lucky! Make it good for me hon. Thanks